Who Will Be With Him When He Dies?

[romantic sweetheart]

Relationships end, communication dwindles...life presses forward. But how do you stop caring, worrying, and hoping someone is all right? I know eventually the pain subsides, smiles return, memories get tucked away into a safe little place in our hearts.....

 

Even though he hurt me in every way possible, I still tremble with sorrow when I think of his aloneness...The idea that he may die alone....His life was so hard, full of pain, loss and terror......His grief turned to anger and was taken out on me.....

 

I sat up last night and realised that I was trying to save him so I could save myself...if I failed him, I would fail myself, and be lost forever...That was the trick of my mind...the belief that has lead me onto harmful paths....Rescuing people, even if I had to suffer deeply.....Their tears were my tears...their rage was my sorrow...their broken life was my broken life...If I could fix his life, I could fix mine..If I could soften him..I could heal the past abuses.......

 

I know it never works that way......The drowning victim pulling down his rescuer....

 

So I have moved away, north, to a new town.....Still, I am haunted by the grief, rage and pain....The way his eyes could well up with so many tears, his voice quiver, his body shake with heavy sobs.....my sobs.....my tears, my anguish.....I wanted my compassion to heal everything......

 

My friend has told me that God takes care of everyone, that no one is ever alone, that the angels always follow us....So I never have to worry....He will be taken care of......

 

How do you find peace...Sometimes I feel so much sadness and helplessness...I don't want anyone to suffer..I don't want anyone to be alone....I feel no malice...I just want peace and healing......Want people to be protected, safe, and happy...Why all this pain? Did I not have any power? Power to heal? If we are told to heal ourselves, why can't we heal others?

 

Has anyone ever felt deep sadness thinking of someone dying alone??? What will become of those from our past? I find myself asking, "Who will love him?" "Who will be with him when he dies?"

 

Has anyone ever felt this way?? You know the connection has ended, but your care continues...and you just hope and pray...they will find peace and happiness......?

[teacup]

ur sympathy is misguided. ppl make the beds they lie in. if he dies alone, it's because of the bed he made, and you have no obligation to feel sympathy for him.

 

i was abused for 6 years by a crazy psycho X. sure, he was abused by his parents growing up, but he choose to turn that violence and hatred on someone who tried very hard to help him, be there for him, to love him and to care for him. for my pains, i got nothing but abuse and cruelty. for all the pain that he experienced in his life, i am sure he doubled it back on other ppl and made innocent ppl pay for it.

 

so you know what i say? no sympathy. we reap what we sow. if we throw out anger, hurt and pain on others, well, then, he deserves it. i can imagine the X dying alone, but he did it to himself. and that's really the truth of it.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

Long time no see! I think you should try to realize that even if you are not with this person anymore (for obvious reasons), he also has a strength of his own. We all have the responsibility for our own lives, you know. It might sound strange, but have a little faith in him, i.e. he will find his own way to not be alone. Let's just hope that he also finds a way to treat that person well. You see, it is not YOUR fault he's alone. It's HIS responsibility to stay away from abusing the person he's with.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[theantibarbie23]

I sat up last night and realised that I was trying to save him so I could save myself...if I failed him, I would fail myself, and be lost forever...That was the trick of my mind...the belief that has lead me onto harmful paths....Rescuing people, even if I had to suffer deeply.....Their tears were my tears...their rage was my sorrow...their broken life was my broken life...If I could fix his life, I could fix mine..If I could soften him..I could heal the past abuses.......

 

You sound as though you neglected yourself for far too long trying to change that which only he could fix. You need to take the compassion and kindness you are feeling for him and extend it torwards yourself. What happens to him is the result of the path he chose for himself.

 

Take this time to try and heal your own wounds. Have you gotten any help for (what sounds to me like) co-dependancy? If not there are lots of books on the subject that might help you understand why you feel the need to be this man's saviour. I wish you all the best.

[Relationship Coach]

Learn a lesson from the Animal Kingdom. The most loved, feared and revered leaders of their species, lions for example know that when their time is coming to die, they leave their pride (group) and go off to die alone. This happens with many species including humans. Dying alone may not be as lonely as you think. Your guilt seems to be centered on what you didn't do or what you couldn't do. Let it go, he will.

[smallworld]

*Hugs* Romantic Sweetheart, I'm so happy to hear you've moved away from the situation. Now for the mental separation... I've found it helps to remind myself of several things...

 

1. I can't save anyone who doesn't want to be saved. Trust me... Until they're ready and willing to admit their own contributions to their self-destructiveness, they're just going to sabotage your efforts anyway.

 

2. I leave it in God's hands. I'm not a very religious person, but whenever I start to worry about someone, I literally talk to God and ask for Him to love and watch over the person in question, because I no longer have the strength to do it alone. Praying helps calm my thoughts and gives me an opportunity to love and wish the Other well.

 

3. I remind myself that no love or kindness I ever showed anyone -- especially the abuser -- is ever wasted, but this time I choose to reinvest the love, understanding, and deep seated "need to heal" others into people who not only need it, but want and deserve it. It's apparent from your posts that you have such a profoundly sensitive and compassionate heart. The world can be such a cold and lonely place. If you could give him all the unconditional love that you did, imagine how much good could be done if you spread that same love amongst many? Watching your love grow and multiply in healthy ways helps to lessen the pain and guilt of not being able to save him.