Tips for healing the depression???

[healinginnyc81]

Hey guys,

 

I've posted my story in the "getting back together" forum under the title "aren't there any success stories?"

In sum, we dated for 2 and a half yrs and thought we were soulmates but then she dumped me suddenly (12/7/05). After a week (12/14/05), I asked to talk to her and understood that she just didn't have any feelings for me anymore. It was obvious that although at one time she thought i was a cool guy to be around, now she thought i was a loser b/c i have been pretty depressed about myself for a couple of months now.

 

Now that I know I won't get her back, I just want to know how to get over this. I can't sleep. All day I feel this painful vacuum in my chest and my eyes are all red and ready to let out the flood. Most people I have known to get over depression did it by finding a good support group of friends, but the problem is that I haven't hung out with a lot of my friends since I started dating and now it seems weird to even talk to them - they just want to get plasterd drunk and get laid (I'm in college).

I just was wondering what kinds of things people do in the first couple of weeks and months when every day the pain is still fresh and eating away at me. ?????

[healinginnyc81]

What adds to the pain is feeling abandoned by her b/c a few months after we started dating she was going through some really tough times with some of her friends betraying her and stuff and i helped her through it and other issues until about 6 months ago she started hanging out with a new group of friends and now she's all better and thinks she's too good for me. but I know it doesn't make sense for her to date me while I'm still dealing with my depression, so I have to get over this blaming her and saying she abandoned me.

[catgirl82]

ah, bkjsun

im so sorry to hear about whats happened to you. first i would like to say that breakups are terribly hard and never get easier and are so much worse than you remember and so much worse than you pictured it would be. my heart goes out to you (so many of us have been there).

 

what i've learned is that time heals all. i know that is not what you want to hear seeing that its so early on, but its just to give you hope that one day, you will feel 100% better and that you will get better and better each day, week, month, etc.

 

i think its also best to look at the situation for what it is. your ex tells you that her feelings have changed and she no longer wants a relationship- so... this is how she feels. theres nothing you can do to change that, all you can do is acknowledge that and realize- do you want to be dating somebody who does not want to be dating you? probably not. once youve really accepted that fact, it should make it alot easier to move on.

 

for me, once i realized that my bf and i were not right for eachother, i sort of let go of all of the trying, and struggling, and worrying, and just accepted it for what it was, a breakup.

 

ive found that the healing happens subconsciously- you just sort of feel better about things as time passes, theres no rhyme or reason.

 

so, the best thing to do while youre trying to heal is to keep busy with things that you like. its time to rediscover yourself. you are in college- which is great. look at this as an opportunity to make new friends, participate in clubs, hit up the social scene, take up some new hobbies, exercise, cook, read some good books, anything!!

 

you mentioned that youve lost touch with your close friends. this forum is a great place to vent, let out your feelings- someone will always be around to listen. its fabulous- i love this site!! sometimes i find that giving people advice even makes me feel better, its kind of a rush.

 

best of luck to you

[Hannibal]

For me one of the best things to overcome first stage depression is to catch yourself when you're thinking in a negative cycle. I started to think that I had no purpose and my life was lost without her. Then once I caught myself and actually told myself out loud that I was free from her now and free to do what ever I pleased in my life. That really helped a lot.

 

Also surrounding yourself with friends helps a lot, even if you dont talk about it. I always find myself laughing around my friends and that helps with the depression. I got back into going to the gym and that has a big impact on how I feel. Eating lots of fruits and veggies helps me feel a lot better aswell. I think that if you force your body into a healthy state then your mind will catch up sooner or later.

[lonelyfish]

If you haven't worked out in a while get back at it and wip your body into shape. It's hard to be depressed when you are looking good, plus the added indorphins that you get from working out will really help your depression and you will sleep better and gain confidence. Also, how great would it feel when the ex sees the new confident you.

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks to all for your encouragement: catgirl, hannibal and lonelyfish. If you've been through this or are going through this, I am so sorry and I totally understand.

 

I am in decent physical shape but I think I will try to work out. I tried to hang out with a good friend and his buddies the other day and it helped me laugh but at the same time I felt like i was just bringing everyone down b/c I was still depressed and unable to get into the mood to talk.

Do you think it's better to be alone for a couple of weeks and maybe just call friends now and then?

[onmyownagain]

Do you think it's better to be alone for a couple of weeks and maybe just call friends now and then?

 

No, don't be alone. You will drive yourself nuts. This is the time you find out who your true friends are. A good friend wont mind you boring them with your troubles because that is what friends are for. I am sure you do the same for them.

[catgirl82]

dont be alone even though its sooo tempting. if youre not in the mood to talk, do things that dont involve a lot talking- just get out of the house. go to a movie with friends for example. you will find that just being out in society and around lots of people will make you feel better- it sort of reminds you that there are other fish in the sea and that there is a whole wonderful world outside of your little bubble of sadness

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks catgirl and onmyownagain, I spent a little time alone to let myself grieve.

I hung out with a friend yesterday and talked to him. It helped a lot b/c he was sympathetic and I didn't really expect that.

 

Right now it's killing me b/c I feel like my X used me. I was always there for her during her times of loneliness and depression and helped her feel better. Now she makes a bunch of friends and wants nothing to do with my depressed self. I want to blame her for giving up on me. Is this normal?

 

Also, do you guys believe in soulmates b/c I didn't really until I met her. Now I can't get it out of my head that we're soulmates still. Should I try to make a list of her faults or something?

[chaos]

Dude, go ahead and blame her, she DID give up on you. It's perfectly natural to feel anger at your ex, I'm still feeling it plenty towards mine.

 

I used to believe in "soul mates", "true love", all of that. Since my ex left, I don't know what I believe. I'm starting to think it's all a bunch of crap. Some people never meet their "soul mate" so what's the point of having one if you never meet them? I think you just have to find someone you get along with and who will put as much into maintaining the relationship as you will. THAT is the key to a long lasting relationship, not some fairy tale mumbo jumbo.

[healinginnyc81]

I thought I was getting better as I started hanging out with the one friend who was willing to listen to me. But now I'm back in depression and I just don't enjoy anything. I hung out with a couple of friends to watch football and I couldn't even get into that. I went to a birthday party for my nephew and I couldn't get myself to talk to anyone.

I just don't know if I'll ever get out of this depression and longing for my ex to call me. All the randomest things remind of some good time I had with her.

What do I do? I have been in NC for 2 weeks since she broke up with me except for 20 minutes a week after the breakup when I asked her to really explain how she felt.

What does everyone else do when they're so depressed and angry they can't enjoy anything?

[healinginnyc81]

Is it a bad idea to send an email to my ex telling her why I feel she used me? When we broke up I was very understanding about it and I made sure not to complain or cry. All I can think of right now though is I really want her back but I'm also angry that she gave up on me when I was depressed.

 

How can someone forget all the love you gave them when they were down and depressed, as soon as they get better?

The depression for me seems to be getting worse now.

[healinginnyc81]

Man, I am so angry that she has just moved on and is having fun when only a month ago she was telling me how she couldn't imagine us not being together.

what do I do to convince myself that I'll be happy without her? I'll never find someone who understood me the way she did or who has been through the kinds of things we both have. She was the best friend I ever had and she told me she felt the same way. How do I let go of that?

[Lion-Guy]

Man, I am so angry that she has just moved on and is having fun when only a month ago she was telling me how she couldn't imagine us not being together.

what do I do to convince myself that I'll be happy without her? I'll never find someone who understood me the way she did or who has been through the kinds of things we both have. She was the best friend I ever had and she told me she felt the same way. How do I let go of that?

 

 

bkjsun I totally know how you feel!!!! My GF of 3 years broke up with me 2 months ago. I thought it was the girl I would marry. It puts your life in shambles. To top that off I tried dating a new girl and recently got rejected. And my GF has already moved onto a new guy.

 

Trust me, things will get better. Take the time to improve your image, your health, your attitude and things will get better. I started working out everyday and have seen great results. I suggest you do the same. It will make you feel much better about yourself. And if you are ready, trying going out with a few girls, even if they are just friends. That has really helped me to get my mind of my ex, even if it is temporary. Good luck man. We are all here to support you.

 

Oh and hold NC with the ex. Not even a peep to her. It will make you heal 2x faster and she will start to question what she did.

[capricorn85]

Bkjsun,

 

Hello sweety, I hope you are feeling better! My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago and ofcourse I thought we were soulmates. These are some symptoms I experienced after the break up:

-Lack of sleep

-Irritable

-Angry.....I was furious!!!

-Crying constantly

-Laziness, I stopped going to class for that jerk!

-I felt like a BITTER old woman

-Lack of appetite

 

The first few weeks-months are the WORSE. I was there for my ex at his roughest moments too. Oh and hun, they dont forget. They are human too! Let's be real you think she has really forgotten the things you've done for her? Nooo way. Right now start NC. This week will make a month of NC for me, and I feel like the power is now in my hands. He's been calling me this week (not to get back with me, just to say "hi"), and thank you to my enotalone family...I have been strong and not given in. There is no need for an email. IT IS WHAT IT IS. It is rough as heck! But you do not want to seem desperate and needy hun. It's time for you to realize you are a wonderful person who deserves someone that will treat you great! Be strong!!! Hugs and Kisses

 

-Cap

[healinginnyc81]

Lion Guy & capricorn, thanks for sharing your stories and advice.

Lion Guy, I have been attracted to other girls that i've met before but when i met my ex, it was like those stupid hollywood movies where i had no problem talking to her and making her laugh and everything just clicked for us and for a week after i met her, she was all i dreamed about. That's why it's so hard for me to see myself with anyone else. I'll try to start dating again once I have built just a little self esteem. I will also work out. Thanks.

 

Capricorn, Thank you for your nice words. Your symptoms sound just like mine. How long did it take you to stop being angry and start sleeping better? I guess working out will help me to feel better but emotionally I'm just up and down like crazy. I feel like I'm worthless but it's so nice to hear from you that NC has helped you. Thank you.

[capricorn85]

Well everyone is different. I had a tendency to just sit in the house and not move. It was bad...it took me about three months to stop being angry and bitter. The NC helps with that. I have my days where I get upset and relapse, especially if he calls. I must say, I am sooo much better than I was before. Bkjsun, there were some days when I honestly did not think I was going to make it to the next. Now I am able to go outside the house and laugh again. I'm not completely healed...but I am on my way! You are too! Just remember be strong.

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks cap,

I'm happy for you and it's motivating to me to know that you've healed to the point that you can go out and have fun. Thanks, it's true I am on my way and I needed to be reminded of that.

[capricorn85]

No problem! You will be fine! You can and will heal. That goes for everyone who is at their lowest point...feel your emotions never bottle them up.

[Lion-Guy]

capricorn85 is correct. It really is a roller coaster of emotions at first. Some days you feel completely sad, the next might be ok, then all of a sudden you get really angry and bitter towards the person. Then you get sad again that all your dreams, desires and goals are no longer the same. Right now just worry about you and don't think about what your ex is doing. If they are with someone else already it probably won't last. And take comfort in knowing that they won't forget the great things you did for them and the life lessons you taught them.

 

Sleeping was tough for the first few weeks. But I found that getting your mind off it (like reading a book before bed) really helped me.

[healinginnyc81]

lionguy, reading a book before bed is a great idea. I'm going to try that, I'll find some books I haven't read in a long time. Thanks for the support.

[autumn99_99]

Hi, I Just Read All Your Post And Reply's And Wanted To Share Something With You As I Have Just Gone Thru The Whole Mess You Are Talking About. About 3 Weeks After My Breakup I Called My Ex And Ask If We Could Get Together, I Had Left Some Things At His House That I Did Want, And Also Wanted To Get Some Insight On What Really Went Wrong, I Never Did Get A Real Understanding, And It Opened Up All The Wounds Again, But One Thing I Did Walk Away Knowing Without A Doubt It Was Over. I Bawled Like A Baby All The Way Home And For A Day Or So, But I Have Realized I Must Put It Behind Me. Sadest Part Of All Was He Cried As Well, He Still Loves Me And I Him But Something Was Missing, And We Just Couldnt Put It Back Together As It Once Was. Its' Something We Cant Understand At The Time But Sometimes Love Just Isnt Enough. The Best Thing You Can Do Is Just Do Not Contact Her Anymore Because It Really Does Set You Back In Healing, U Have To Start All Over Again, Un Fortuately, He Was Nice To Me When I Went To Seen Him, Which Did Make It Harder, Would Of Been Much Easier For Me If He Was Cold And Mean Then I Could Of Been Angry At Him And Not Care What Went Wrong. I Think If You Go Back Over The Past Few Weeks And Think About What Led Up To The Breakup You'll Eventually Understand, Because To Try And Ask Them Like I Did Doesnt Make U Feel Any Better About The Breakup. Just Take It One Day At A Time, Talk To Friends, And Have A Little Pride In Yourself That If They Dont Want U Back Then Let Them Have It That Way. I Wrote Letters To Him, I Was Gonna Send But Tore Them Up And Decided He Didnt Deserve Anymore Of My Heart. Hope This Helps, Im Truly Sorry For You But You Will Get Better, This Only Happened 4 Days Ago, And I Had To Go Thru Christmas With All This Heartache It Was Pure Hell, But Im Getting Stronger And We Will Be Ok,,,thankx For Listening.....

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks autumn,

I agree with you that it just makes it worse to ask what happened because i did that last week and we were really nice to each other on the phone and we talked about the issues that we had but it was stupid of me. I know realistically we can never get back together and feel the same about each other. There's just too much negative emotion built up about each other. But I still feel like I've lost the best friend I've ever had and I have to deal with it.

Thanks again

[ocrob]

bkjsun,

 

I have gone through and still am going through what you are going through. My ex broke up with me about 10 months ago, but I tried to stay friends with her because she was my bestfriend. We ended up dating again, but then she basically said she no longer had romantic feelings for me. I am only starting to heal now because I stopped talking to her three weeks ago. I know what you are talking about with the pain in your stomach. I don't even know how describe it, but it is this empty and aching feeling. As everyone else has said, you will get over this with time. I think the exercise advice is really good as well as reading. I suffer from insomnia and have just started reading before bed. Good luck my friend.

[healinginnyc81]

ocrob, thanks for the support. I've been trying exercise and reading and it does make me feel better but it seems like a temporary solution.

I guess I have to live through it until it goes away. I've been falling asleep easier now but then I wake up really early and start really feeling depressed and can't go back to bed

Maybe one of these mornings i'll wake up and feel good. I'll look forward to that.