Tips for healing the depression???

[healinginnyc81]

Man, it seems like the depression will never end.

 

My ex talked to me wednesday after a meeting we were at for an organization we're in. I thought she was going to see how I was doing, but she just wanted to know if I would be comfortable with her and I going to this philosophy conference we were invited to, along with our philosophy professor and another student. It's not till april so I told her I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with her but by then I think I'll be fine. I asked her if she was doing okay and she said "yes, how are you?" and I said I was pretty good thanks. Then I left. But later I just felt so torn apart. I hope I'll be okay by then to go to the conference b/c philosophy is one of my passions (one of her passions as well). It'll be two days so we'll be eating meals together and hanging out. It's gonna be hard. It made me think about how we had such similar views and interests. Why couldn't we have met when we were more mature?

Anyway that kept me up most of the night depressed and ruminating. Then today I was eating dinner in the dining hall and I see her come in with her new bf and some of his friends just talking and laughing. It's just eating me up inside but I just ate my meal alone and walked out without looking her way. I got back to my room and cried though. I'm hoping that maybe I'll just get used to seeing them together. I think I'm just so jealous of this new guy. I'm also feeling so angry that she has no clue how much she hurt me, she's just off enjoying the high of a new relationship. I don't even know if I really want her back anymore. I think I just want to feel loved.

 

How could she just quit cause things got tough? She told me she thought we were soulmates and we would get through anything together. It seems like she's getting the best of this. Maybe she'll just go relationship to relationship. When things get dull, just start looking for someone else. Then when those warm, fuzzy feelings die find another person. Just keep doing that until you want to settle down. Maybe that's what I should be doing. I know I could never actually do that because I care about people's feelings too much. But maybe it's better to be selfish.

[MessedUp]

bkjsun its your twin brother talking to you right now lol...remember me and you have experienced the same exact thing at the same exact time..and I told you nobody will understand what your going through as much as me right now..but let me tell you something that might cheer you up..I have been feeling alot better this week..Listen the reason is because I finally finally FINALLY just stoped caring about her..I finally said screw her..I finally said you know what i did my best and thats it, if she doesnt want me then forget her..I did everything humanly possible to try to get her back and at times i felt like she was gonna cave back in but then she said stop I have a new bf and I cant do this to him..Remember she gave me the excuse that she just wanted to be single and go out with her girlfriends, and then 3 months later shes found a new guy and she says shes happy with him..Like you, my ex girl told me that she loved me and im the only one for her and blah blah blah...

 

But you know what I learned, feelings do change..We are human and we can change our minds about people no matter how stupid that sounds..Even you have changed your mind about people..Just think back to your other ex girlfriends..You did go out with them once because you liked them, but now you dont right? I know this isn't the same as loving someone but even love can change too..Remember this girl was my first love and she felt so strongly about me and now she doesnt..But you know what I dont care anymore..I seriously dont..YOU will get to the point where your just tired of torturing yourself and thinking about the past. WE cant change what happened..And you cant force somebody to love you if they dont..They have to love you on their own, and I know its hard when you think back and you say but she did love me..But the fact is she doesnt now..Neither does mine..But we learned and we will move on..I wish I didnt have to learn this way but thats life..We gotta take the bad and turn it into good..

 

Don't get me wrong. I still miss her, and I still wonder what happened, and why she just changed on me like that when I thought we were perfect for eachother, but you can spend your whole life thinking about that but wheres it gonna get you right? The rollercoaster ride of emotions for me still continues as I was at work today and I just realized that my ex wont be calling me and telling me that she loved me like she did before..Instead shes probably calling her new bf and shes probably with him right now for all I care, but you know what so be it..WHO CARES..You once gave me alot of support remember, go back to that way you were..We do have our good and bad days, but lets focus on the good. We will become strong from this and we will find somebody better.

 

Another thing that got me thinking was when my friend told me that I really didnt miss her, I missed the fact that she once loved me and now she doesnt..I miss the fact that she once use to call me 10 times a day and now she doesnt..YOU MISS THE ROUTINE!!!!! we are use to that routine and now that its gone, we feel helpless..And that is so true for me. I miss and want something I cant have anymore. I once had it, but now I dont...AND THATS WHATS HURTING ME..maybe this goes with you too..But thats life..Trust me your gonna get sick and tired of caring and thinking about her, and one day you'll just say screw it..Im not 100% cured and I still feel pain, and im still on that rollercoaster ride, but I feel now I can move on and just get on with my life..ENOUGH IS ENOUGH..im tired of thinking about her and thinking about how she loved me and now she doesnt..SCREW HER....maybe she'll come back maybe she wont..She messages me on msn sometimes but now I dont even answer, i just exit the window...and that gives me more strength..im still doin Little contact, but thats only cus I just wanna rub it in her face sorta..Before I use to jump for joy when she would message..Now I just laugh and close the window..

 

Theres alot of good people on this site that have helped us, YOU have helped me..the days go back and forth but at least we can recognize the good days from the bad days..You once told me that it doesnt matter how long it takes, even if its a year to get over your ex, just heal...And thats what we'll be doing...We'll heal, and we'll get better..The hurt and betrayed feeling will slowly go away, but we will get better..

 

Im here for you, and so are other good people that are on this site..This is a lesson regardless of how stupid it may seem. I've learned that everyone goes through this, its up to us if we come out on top or if we just crumble..

[healinginnyc81]

You're so right, thanks for getting my head straight again. I was really falling deeper and deeper into this depression. I needed someone else to get me back on track.

I think you're right about us missing the routine. What's happening is I'm having trouble adjusting to this new life alone. I'm too scared to really get out there and take advantage of the new opportunities I have. I'm stuck in the past.

 

I need to get back to the state of mind that it doesn't matter what the ex is up to. It's tough when I see her. I went barhopping tonight and saw some old friends but I just couldn't hold a conversation. I hope tomorrow I feel a little better, then maybe I can hang out and have fun and take my mind off the past.

 

You sound like you've reached a good mindset, keep it up. Thanks again for the support. Here's to a better tomorrow.

[GreatGuy]

Hang in there.....we've all been there and you've read it all. Now its time for you to go through it all ...alone....be strong we're here for you. If you must let it out, cry and allow yourself to feel things. I lost my father back 7 years ago...and that pain is still there, believe me it hurts. When my girl comes and goes...it hurts, i cry-breath, think of my dad and that pain puts things in perspective. The GREATEST HUMAN LIE is the worlwide notion that we're meant to be with one person...for ever. But nothing last forever, everything changes...people too...move on, come back later....ect

 

If someone told us that TRUTH when we were groing up, maybe we'd stop holding on so much, waiting and hoping for that day when we meet "that" special one to stay with us forever...ever...and ever. But while we wait for that day, many many many special things are coming and going out of our lives. Life is short and is meant to be shared with others. Not on "that special day", but maybe everyday for every day we have on this physical planet.

 

I cry...because no one told me that...nothing last forever. When we are born, we die someday, to be born again. Next time you meet someone(could be today) remember its not forever, only its for now. Enjoy all they have to offer and be better than yesterday.

[healinginnyc81]

That's a great view and I want to do it, believe me, I want to enjoy the present and not worry about the future and ruminate on the past. It's been tough enjoying anything though. I guess I have to live with this hurt until it passes.

[Wimpy]

Hey BJ

 

I feel for you - I don't think I could have got over my ex if I'd have had to have contact with him after he broke up with me in such a way as to totally devastate me. That's incredibly tough for you.

 

Realise though that what you are feeling is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY 100% NORMAL. You will get better but I feel that having to have contact with her and see her with her new b/f (how tough must THAT be ) will lengthen the process.

 

I have suffered from clinical depression - eventually requiring medical intervention (prozac) and I've suffered reactive depression - what happened after my ex dumped me. With reactive depression you have to give yourself time to get over it. I didn't go back to the Doc's to get help coz I realised the cause wasn't the same as before. I realised I'd have to do this cold-turkey as it were.

 

It was hell for the first few months - I didn't want to do ANY of the things I knew would help - exercise, socialise and get interested in new things. Eventually, little by little the "fog" lifted and I was once again able to find renewed interest in things I'd let slip whilst with my ex.

 

Now, 10 months on I still have regular thoughts about him - mostly wondering HOW he could do what he did. However, I also realise that what I had and how I behaved was REAL and he never was. He'll have to live with that.

 

Is there any way you can go to another philosophy conference? Seems like a massive thing for you to go with her under the circumstances....

 

Anyway it will get better. Just like a broken leg - but it takes time.

 

Keep strong and keep posting.

[healinginnyc81]

Hey Wimpy,

Thanks for sympathizing. I'm sorry that you wonder how your ex could treat you as he did, I keep wondering the same thing.

 

I've been forcing myself to go out and socialize but most of the time I just feel so out of place and I can't have fun. Still, I'm going to keep trying. The philosophy conference only happens once a year so it's a really great opportunity. I'm going to go and just deal with the consequences of seeing my ex for a couple of days. I'll just try not to talk directly to her much.

 

I don't have any friends in college that I can talk to about this, so it really helps to have this forum. I really appreciate your advice.