At times, it's better not to tell, don't yall agree??

[lillady898]

Oh yea, easy to say it than doing it, lets say I do, then he breaks up and doesn't wanna see me no more, wut then, wut? Or it not being the same, then I would be stuck with an insecure b/f with issues and wondering if I'll do it again, which I won't, I can imagine I would aplogizing like nuts and still not being the same and still lots of convincing, and lots of questions, no, I think it's better this way. Knowing that I won't do it again, that enough. I don't really think he's gonna be that forgiving, he'll prollie show me door, I dunno or he'll be with doubts and he won't see me as the same girl he met, so no, I think it's better this way.

 

"I...I...I..." It doesn't really matter what you want anymore, quite honestly. You got what you wanted when you cheated... Instant gratification with someone other than your boyfriend. Now it's your boyfriends turn to decide what he wants to do about it.

 

And now you don't want things to be weird, you don't want to lose him, you don't want to be "stuck with an insecure boyfriend." My god, when are you going to start thinking about him?

[darkblue]

Here Here.

Well said, lillady - I completely agree.

 

I also noticed the "I's".

I believe you, and every other cheater, gave up the right of having a fair chance, when you went outside your relationship.

 

I also think that now your boyfriend should be given the decision of whether or not your relationship should be continued, based on the facts of what happened, and his feelings for you.

 

I would say you are living a lie. You are puting on a show of trust, when really - what's to stop you doing it again?

[novaseeker]

You're basically taking power out of your boyfriend's hands. He has the right to know and to decide whether he wants to remain with you or not, even if it was just a kiss. What you're basically saying is "what he doesnt know can't hurt him", but that's false. If it is as harmless and remote as you say, why should it be a big issue for him? In any case, he does have the right to know, and you don't really have the right to take that decision out of his hands by withholding information from him because you are afraid of what he will do if he knows.

[darkblue]

I'd also like to add on to what novaseeker said, by pointing out that you are basically saying it is okay to cheat; as long as your partner does not find out?

[Cecelius]

This line of posts is another thing that should warn all otherwise decent dudes on the planet from getting married -- first you lock your financial resources in with a girl, then you find out that she cheated on you (and ommitted to tell you about it) before sealing the deal.

 

When people do this in the public stock markets, they go to jail.

 

Lastly, talking about this with your friends is a bad idea. Part of a man's sensibilities is his pride. If he finds out that not only did you chump him by cheating but that people around him know about it too, he will be even more pissed off.

 

And these things do come out in the long run.

[annieo]

I have to disagree that not telling is selfish. If after 3 years he has remained faithful, there is no chance of STD's etc since it was only a kiss, then telling would be the selfish thing. Telling would be so he doesn't have to think about it, worry about it, feel guilty about. By telling the SO is going to be hit with this terrible information and have to live with it forever.

There really is no good that will come from telling. If it was something more recent or currently going on then of course you have to tell but this far in the past and with a record of being faithful for three years there is no need to cause someone pain just to clear the cheaters conscience.

[imsobusted_introuble]

annieo, thanx for understanding and I agree with u that no good will come out of telling him baout the kiss. I got sick of people telling me to me and that he got to know. I gotta agree it'll prollie relieve my guilt for sure, but it won't help him, it'll make it worst. And yes, I have learned form my mistake.

[Sleepyhead14]

Yea, i gotta agree with annieo's post, not telling doens't necessary mean ur selfish, sometimes it is better if left untold.

[lillady898]

Justify it any way you want...

 

But like I said before, if you are truly remorseful, even telling your significant other would not releive the guilt.

 

Selfishness is usually what causes people to cheat in the first place, so I guess it should be expected that selfishness also drives the cheater to keep it from their significant other.

 

P.S. I can guarentee that a majority of the posters who agreed with the original poster either has cheated at one point in time, or is someone who had been cheated on and is trying to justify their partner's actions.

[Cecelius]

P.S. I can guarentee that a majority of the posters who agreed with the original poster either has cheated at one point in time, or is someone who had been cheated on and is trying to justify their partner's actions.

 

I agree. They make it seem as if not telling them is somehow noble of the cheater.

 

I want to know because I want to know that I am associated with damaged goods and should have the right to decide whether I want to be with someone or not.

[RayKay]

Good CAN come from telling. It might not be good for you, but it may be best for your partner in the long run.

 

It gives your partner the ability to decide whether or not they want to move on without you or not. Not telling seems far more selfish to me, because it is keeping a major secret from them...your relationship is no longer based on truth, but a lie. They are continuing on not knowing what has happened, and you continue on hoping they don't find out.

 

To me the continued dishonesty is just as awful as the initial cheating.

 

I for one would NOT want to be with someone whom cheated, so is it fair that I then stay with someone not KNOWING they did cheat and they are hiding it from me? No...it is not. If I knew the information that they cheated on everyone BEFORE I dated them, I would then make a choice not to date them, so why is it fair to keep this information from me now too?

 

Yes, it could end badly, but then in my opinion that is the consequence of what you did. So what if it is two years later, it is only fair that your partner knows what they are working with and can make decisions for themselves. You may then call their actions "unfair" given that time has passed...but it was unfair of you to cheat and lie in the first place.

 

Maybe they WILL stay with you and work it out, but at least they are making the decision knowing ALL the facts...rather then staying because they don't. Seems pretty selfish on the part of the cheater to me.

 

And for the record...I HAVE been cheated on, and I HAVE been told, and I would rather have known, made the choices I did, then not have been told and kept living a lie, and giving my heart to someone whom walked all over it when they cheated.

[novaseeker]

Good CAN come from telling. It might not be good for you, but it may be best for your partner in the long run.

 

It gives your partner the ability to decide whether or not they want to move on without you or not. Not telling seems far more selfish to me, because it is keeping a major secret from them...your relationship is no longer based on truth, but a lie. They are continuing on not knowing what has happened, and you continue on hoping they don't find out.

 

To me the continued dishonesty is just as awful as the initial cheating.

 

Bingo! Absolutely 100% agree. It is an ongoing lie. I honestly don't understand how it can be viewed any other way. Your partner has a right to know, for goodness sake! You have no right to take that away from them, and gussying it up in some concern for their feelings (essentially the theory there is "what he doesn't know can't hurt him") is just a selfish rationalisation. The selfless thing to do is to tell, and let the partner evaluate it because then he at least knows, and can make an informed decision, rather than proceeding ahead with you based on deception.

[HellFrost666]

This is the second time this week I've talked about this...

 

Every situation is different. It's hard to say you should or shouldn't tell. Some people tell because they feel bad about it, some people tell out of spite, etc.

 

MY grilfriend's Ex cheated on her habitually. Then he would always tell her becasue he thought that being honnest made it allright. He even got as bold as to tell her before hand. He would be going to spend time with other women, and in two cases he told her before he even left the house.

 

It probably would have been easier at the time for her not to know about it, but in the end it was probably better he was so upfront about it, because that gave her one more reason to leave. No good could have come from staying in that relationship.

[annieo]

Sorry imsobusted introuble I called you a he and I meant she! What happened has to be put in perspective. It was 3 years ago. You were only 20. It was not sex. You have been faithful since then. My grandma always used to say don't borrow trouble. Keep being faithful. If you cheat again then you must admit it right away and deal with the consequences.

Oh and I have never cheated. I was cheated on and I certainly didn't make excuses for my husband.

[versat_il]

My girlfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago for a period of about 2 weeks. Meanwhile she had sex with another man (the 2nd man in her live) and when we got back together she told me. I started wishing revenge and also I could never kiss her the way I did before. Eventually we broke up for good. And now I’m crying and feeling bad about it … I really want her back! Now I’m sure I can live knowing that, but it’s too late...

 

So I guess both you guys and girls can learn a little from this…