Is it too soon: Trust in myself, or trust in others?

[LostInMyThoughts]

A few days ago, my wife and I decided to divorce. We had been separated since mid august, and after having most of november in NC, I found myself growing further from her. I kept thinking about divorce, and in many ways took comfort in the thought.

 

During this time, I've been taking care of myself: working out, taking classes, started back playing music, and other new extra curricular activities. The one thing I couldn't do was go out with girls. I dunno, I just wanted to go to dinner, movies, hang out, but I wouldn't do it because I felt like I was betraying my marriage.

 

Now of course, since things are over, and what was stopping me before isn't there. I've met someone who I think is real cool and I would like to ask her out. I know she at least is somewhat interested in me (body signals, gave me a book, asked me to come watch her band play, mentioned me to her band mates). My only concern is that other people might percieve this as being a rebound relationship. I don't believe this is the case; I think I'm ready but then again, I thought that I wouldn't be married at 24 and divorced at 25.

 

Am I blind to the reality because of the pain of my ending marriage? Should I trust that I am okay, and just go for it.

 

The last thing I would want to do is hurt/use this person to help heal myself; but I think going out and having a good time with a chick is what I need right now.

[DN]

Go out and have a good time for a few dates and see what happens. But be aware that this may be too soon; if you sense that it may be a rebound then don't mislead her and disengage before she gets too involved with you romantically.

 

Keep it light and easy to start with and don't raise false hopes.

[Relationship Coach]

LIMT,

When is a rebound not a rebound? It's not a time issue, it's a mind/heart issue. If you were just longing to be in a relationship because you have issues of being alone, in my opinion that would constitute a rebound. Being that you have considerations for this other person I would say that your intentions are for a good reason.

 

Often during the separation period people become disinterested in dating because they feel that it would hinder any chance of reconciliation of the marriage. Now that you have moved beyond that to following through with divorce, it is natural to want to spend time with someone you like and have something in common with (music). Why do I get the feeling you are a guitar player? Be up front and honest with this new girl and make sure she understands where you've been and at what speed you wish to travel.

 

Ending a marriage is never fun but it can certainly bring new happiness to your life and help you to discover what your marriage didn't give you. Best Wishes!

[heloladies21]

Dude, go hang out with this chick. It's the best thing for you right now.

[WildChild]

Well, you have had time to mull things over these past few months. Do you feel ready? Can you go somewhere, be someplace, talk to people without constantly thinking of your wife, your marriage or comparing?

 

I guess the only thing you can do if you feel you are ready is be honest with her (or anyone you date). You will know best on how to approach it with her, but it should be thrown out there if you continue to do things on a regular basis that you have to take it slow (or however you want to word it). People may think it is a rebound relationship, and may be leary to get involved but everyone who has been through a divorce knows at some point ya gotta take the plunge again

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thanks everybody!

 

You've all given me valuable insight.

 

I don't believe its a fear of being alone. I've been alone for the past few months, and before getting involved with my ex-wife, I was alone for like 4-5 months, so its not that I need the time to find myself.

 

I don't think about my wife, or my marriage too much. I do compare this girls interests with mine; I don't think thats too weird. I was at her place on wednesday helping her with some computer troubles and we talked for quite some time. I did mention the divorce; she mentioned that she went through something similar in her life. She did say that sometimes it's better that someone goes through that so they know better what they want; so I hope me coming clean wasn't the end of things with her. I did mention my ex a few times; so I need to work on not bringing that up so much. When I conversate, I often use anecdotes to relate to other people and having been with my ex-wife for 3+ years, it's hard not to reference somethings about our relationship. Obviously I need to get over that.

 

Anyway I felt really good about things after hanging out with her, and I can't wait to check her band out on saturday!

 

I plan on keeping it light, and friendly, but the door isn't closed to more. I hope that's okay.

[WildChild]

Yeah, when I said compare I meant compare girls/relationship with your wife/relationship. Nothing wrong with comparing your interests with theirs, ya wanna make sure there is compatibility there I too still do the referring to my ex/marriage and it has been 3 some years. I think some people think I am still hooked on him, but I'm not. I spent almost 14 years with the guy since the age of 18, so many of my experiences in life were with him. Have fun on Saturday, sounds like a blast!