Perception of something real...

[JakeInFla]

I came accross this thread and had to post something that's been bothering me. My girlfriend loves her blog. She's the one who introduced me to it actually, and I must say it is theraputic to post my rants, thoughts and feelings. My problem is her posting of nude photos of herself and communicating with other blog members with flirtatious posts, and email correspondence. It bothers me. She acts as if I am a jealous jerk out to ruin her happiness, and basically doesn't care how I feel about it, as she sees it as harmless flirtation and a way for her to ease stress.

 

She assures me after her last relationship she loves me and would never do anything physical with anyone but me. She constantly reassures me how much she loves me and cares for me. We've had our drama and fights, and betrayals of concsience in past weeks, and I am hurt by it all.

 

Having gotten over her email to me stating the entire time she was with me, she had love in her heart for her ex boyfriend she caught cheating on her, over and over again. It floored me.

 

Later that day she apologized and I wouldn't hear it. After talking things over, and realizing what we meaned to each other I buried the hatchet, spilling all of my insecurities. One of my biggest ones is her posting of nude photos and flirting with other bloggers both via blog comment posts back and forth, and email communication.

 

Driving home last night I told her again how it bothers me that she would make comments on men's blogs she is friends with that basically say "If I lived over there I'd give you a chance", or a recent reply to his post about having a jacuzzi.."That's what I need, can I join you?".

 

I realize this is all just innocent flirting with someone thousands of miles away. I realize she talks to these people and forms a bond of sorts, leading to sharing of thoughts and feelings. It's an escape from reality that she desperately needs, and I understand that.

 

However, after yet another argument about her recent posts of nude shots of herself, she went home again last night and proceeded to post more, knowing it hurts me, and knowing how I feel about it.

 

Am I being old fashioned in not wanting anyone with a computer to be able to see my girlfriend's body? Am I being selfish in that respect? Should I just let it go and accept her declaration that she loves me, and sees the kind, innocent, loving soul I am and would never do anything to break my heart, like her ex did to her?

 

I just feel lost inside because A) I don't want to be a old fasionhed, closed minded jerk, B) I don't want this to come between us and C) I merely don't understand why she needs affirmation from strangers about how sexy she is.

 

I just need some input because I feel hurt that she would continue doing this, knowing how much it pains me. Her response that it's her private blog and if I don't like it, don't read it..really hurt me. It's like what I feel doesn't matter, and after all her relationship issues in the past, she is no longer willing to accept anyone telling her what to do. But honestly, that's not my intention. I am merlely trying to understand myself and all of this without being a sarcastic, over bearing, jealous jerk.

 

Any input is appreciated.

 

Jake

[RayKay]

I don't think you are being "old fashioned", nor do I think what she is doing is "innocent". My guess is you feel her body is something special to be shared between you and her, and that you feel hurt that she does not seem to feel the same way.

 

She has also fed your insecurities about it even more with those comments about her ex-boyfriend, and the fact she does not just post up nudes of herself, but she also makes rather suggestive comments to others.

 

I think you did the right thing in bringing it to her to talk about it, but I also think you are not going to have to look at her response and her actions to that. She really showed you she does not care how you feel about it, right?

 

Has she ever told you why she feels the need to put nudes of herself up? My guess is she has some issues of low self esteem, and is rather unconfident in her other attributes (other then a naked body) and is looking for attention in all the wrong ways.

 

I don't think you can or should give her an ultimatum, but I DO think you need to consider whether she is treating you very fairly in this relationship if she seems to have little respect for your feelings on others seeing her naked when it hurts you, when she chooses "strangers" over you. That's not innocent flirting - that is selfish. It's also a control issue for her I think...she knows it bothers you, and you are staying with her, so why should she change? And you are not being an overbearing jerk as you said, for having an issue with it!

 

Would you ever do this to her or a partner? Why do you feel that you thereforeeee deserve this, or should settle for this kind of relationship? It sounds like you two may be incompatible, and if you can't work through it together to come to a compromise, it may be time to consider going your separate ways.

[Day_Walker]

It seems that you two just feel differently about such key things that she likes to do online, now thats nothing new but there has to be some kind of common ground otherwise your relationship wont work. If you feel that she is deliberately doing this then maybe you should start thinking if she is the right for you.

[JakeInFla]

Thank you for the fast replies. It's been a whirlwind of emotions and drama these past three months. She suffers from some depression and emotional issues stemming from her brother's passing at the age of 17 in a car accident, and a dysfunctional 4 year relationship with her ex.

 

To be perfectly honest this is my first full fledged, 100% relationship and my insecurities can get the best of me. I've worked through alot of my own issues and what they mean to me, and so has she.

 

The problem lies with her seemingly adamant stance on not letting another man tell her what to do, that fans the flames of this posting of nudes\correspondence with fellow bloggers issue.

 

I love her so very much and I don't want to be the architect of my own misery by making this blog problem an issue, but it can't be good if I share my feelings over and over again, in a calm, loving manner that her posting of her nudes coupled with her overly flirtatious posts bother me and violate what I consider to be the sanctity of our love in a way. I know it sounds corny, but that's how I feel.

 

We've had three months lf ups and downs, fighting and arguing, and alot of tears. My insecurity had me chasing after her each time she was offended that I had feelings and disagreed with her.

 

It's hard to know what I should do. My feelings are more than hurt that she would tell me "If you don't like it, don't read it". I think that's uncalled for when I'm just wanting not to share out intimacy with blog members who spend thousands of dollars on cam girl sites, and make distasteful comments about her body.

 

The fact she ran right to MY laptop last night after we had yet another argument about this, her seeing me as an overly jealous\petty jerk and me having to explain that it just goes against my morals and values to do such a thing when you love someone. Am I wrong?

 

It's very confusing and I want to seek couples therapy. I've wanted this fora while now. I feel if I have a third party who is unbiased with us, I can share my feelings and have someone back me up without emotion being the catalyst.

 

Am I overreacting to all of this? Possibly. Am I so much in love with her that I want to tear any man's head off that even looks at her funny? No. I'm not a sociopath. LOL

 

I just want her to live up to the behavior and expectations she expects from me, nothing more.

 

 

J.

[Vanilla]

Jake...woah woah woah!! slow down- I mean when did it become "innocent flirting???" I think you are making excuses to make her terrible behaviour justifyable (sp??)...I am in a relationship and by God I would never ever do such a horrid thing.

 

A fantasy stays in your head or if you reallyn want you act it out with your partner ...but to me fantasies are just that , a mere thought in your mind you toy with but dont put into action...

 

I would be sooffended if my partner was doing that- and eve more so if they had the guts to tell me I was being unreasonable.

 

Noooo...I mean this is just not acceptable. Is this what you have come to expect in your relationships? Set some boundaries. You are a gentleman and you deserve a woman who respects you!!!

 

It is just NOT acceptable...

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BellaDonna]

My problem is her posting of nude photos of herself and communicating with other blog members with flirtatious posts, and email correspondence. It bothers me.

 

Um yeah...I can see why you're upset. A journal-type blog is one thing- but what she is doing is something very different in my opinion.

 

I realize this is all just innocent flirting with someone thousands of miles away. I realize she talks to these people and forms a bond of sorts, leading to sharing of thoughts and feelings. It's an escape from reality that she desperately needs, and I understand that.

 

I don't think that is innocent. Everyone needs an good ole' escape from reality now and then- but there are more constructive ways to go about it. What she's doing is a form of emotional betrayal to your relationship, she especially knows it HURTS you and she still does it:

 

However, after yet another argument about her recent posts of nude shots of herself, she went home again last night and proceeded to post more, knowing it hurts me, and knowing how I feel about it.

 

 

 

All I can say is that your girlfriend probably has very low self-esteem, and as a result has a cosntant need for attention and compliments from others. She has reduced herself to a sex object for that attention, and is too caught up in her fantasy world with strangers to see or care about who she is hurting in real-life. This level of dysfunction is not something that you can change, in my opinion. If I were you, I would seriously consider ending this relationship, out of respect for yourself.

 

Your views are not "old-fashioned". They are normal. She is not.

 

BellaDonna

[Vanilla]

anyways...why would you be angry at the men who look at her when SHE IS THE ONE exposing herself PURPOSELY so she can be looked at that way??

 

If she REALLY loved you she would have never done this. Depression is NOT an excuse for hurting and disrespecting your partner.

 

Do whatever youw ant when you are single but when you are with someone YOU RESPECT AND HONOR that love, that union.

 

You need to stop trying to make it so easy for her and put your foot down.

 

The more she hurts you the more you want her...that is NOT healthy...

 

 

 

 

 

[BellaDonna]

You need to stop trying to make it so easy for her and put your foot down

 

I agree with Vanilla. Better yet, don't just put your foot down, take those feet and run.

 

You should not have to deal with that BS. Hopefully you will realize that,

 

BellaDonna

[JakeInFla]

Yes, I see your points people. It's hard for me, as I do love her very much. I'm so confused and exhausted by all of this I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a millennium.

 

 

[Vanilla]

that would be ideal, but unfortunately the life doesnt stop for us ...you are the only one who can decide what you want in and out of your life...where you want to take it, and what you want to make out of it.

 

how old are you if i may ask??

 

you sound like a really good guy Jake...I think you know whats best for you and that you also may be a bit blinded by love/lust.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JakeInFla]

Thank you for your kind words Vanilla. I'm 31 years old.

 

Here is my blog. I could use a few online friends with good hearts. Feel free to post. I can use the encouragement. LOL

 

 

link removed

[WildChild]

I don't think you are being old fashioned at all! If she were single, that would be one thing but she is NOT. If you had no problem, fine. But you don't like it, you have explained yourself and I don't think you are in the minority on something like this. My G*d, how disrespectful to you and your relationship! Why should you have to change your morals for her? It is not a question of who is right or wrong, but it is definitely a difference in values.

[PocoDiablo]

Hi Jake,

 

May I comment? Here's a look at it from the worst-case scenario. (I seem to be known for that.)

 

My problem is her posting of nude photos of herself and communicating with other blog members with flirtatious posts, and email correspondence. It bothers me.

Um, yeah, it would more than bother me. It would tell me that she is seeking attention from other men in a sexual manner. This is an adult thing to do, and she is seeking an adult response. As a result, it would also tell me that she does not value me or care for me. If she did, no woman would ever do anything to risk upsetting the man she loved. Now, would you go do that? Probably not, right?

 

She acts as if I am a jealous jerk out to ruin her happiness, and basically doesn't care how I feel about it, as she sees it as harmless flirtation and a way for her to ease stress.

Sounds like she is crazy. Sorry, I tend to be blunt, but ... wow ... totally accross the line.

 

She assures me after her last relationship she loves me and would never do anything physical with anyone but me. She constantly reassures me how much she loves me and cares for me. We've had our drama and fights, and betrayals of concsience in past weeks, and I am hurt by it all.

Now here is the problem I see. Not only does she treat you like crap, but you let her do it over and over again. So basically she can have an adult good time with other guys, and the emotional times with you. What are you getting out of this, other than being berated and made a fool of? Is she flirting with you? Sending you nude photos? Doing some serious intmacy sessions when you get home?

 

Later that day she apologized and I wouldn't hear it. After talking things over, and realizing what we meaned to each other I buried the hatchet

She got away with it?

 

spilling all of my insecurities

Oops. Sounds like to me you need to change this around. These are not your insecurities, but rather your STANDARDS for her to follow. But it sounds like you are not enforcing them, either.

 

However, after yet another argument about her recent posts of nude shots of herself, she went home again last night and proceeded to post more, knowing it hurts me, and knowing how I feel about it.

This is her way of telling you "Be a man, dump me, so I can go sleep around." I may be wrong, but I really do firmly believe this. Actions speak louder than words. She is calling your bluff. She is doing everything in her power to treat you so badly that you will dump her. You HAVE to be an adult and stop kissing up to her and letting her walk all over you.

 

Again, this is just MY opinion. I could be wrong. But man, I would NEVER let anyone treat me like that. I am sure you can tell I'm fired up about it and it's not even happening to me - it's you!

 

I just feel lost inside because A) I don't want to be a old fasionhed, closed minded jerk,

Ah! Here is the problem. See, here is what I see... You want to be a man. You need to be a gentleman. Right now you are being a kiss-up. A man would have some standards, WHATEVER you make them to be, and would simpy tell her something like "You know what, I have come to a realization that if you really cared for me you would never do something that would upset me. I've made it clear that your nudity and flirting is something that crosses the line for me. It's rude, it's disrespectful, and it's thoughtless. These are all traits that I will not tolerate in my partner. I am looking for an adult, mature, caring, and thoughtful woman, and you do not meet my standards when you do things like that. So, I am just letting you know that if can do whatever you want, but if you continue to disrespect me and fail to meet my standards then I will not stick around. Consider this your only warning." Then stand there and see what happens. You should stick to your guns, because if you give in even one INCH then she is disrespecting you.

 

B) I don't want this to come between us and

It already has, you are pretending it does not exist.

 

C) I merely don't understand why she needs affirmation from strangers about how sexy she is.

This is going to come off as harsh, so please forgive me for being blunt, but if a woman did that to me I would take it as her not liking me. thereforeeee, I would say she does not like you no matter what she says. Something in your relationship has changed and she wants out, but cannot dump you because it would "hurt your feelings." I've even seen posts on here where woman do this. It's sad, but it's often true.

 

Her response that it's her private blog and if I don't like it, don't read it..really hurt me.

Well YEAH! It's like she's saying "If you don't like me going behind your back and cheating then ignore it." WHAT??? I'm blown away!

 

I am merlely trying to understand myself and all of this without being a sarcastic, over bearing, jealous jerk.

Jake, the way I see it you are being steamrolled, disrespected, and spit on. You're not jealous in one bit! There is nothing over-bearing about it! You're 110% dead on.

 

In my book. But I am a lot further than you are, so keep in mind that I have gotten to the point in my life where I do not toelrate liars, cheaters, or devious people to control me. I would break free from this knowing you are SUCH a good man you probably don't even know! I highly doubt she deserves a man with such standards, such caring, such thoughfulness that you would take so much time to make things work.

 

Save your efforts for someone who deserves everything you can give.

 

/End of the reality check.

[JakeInFla]

Asking that you all refrain from posting comments that in any way relate to this thread, I will post her blogsite and ask you to take it all in and give me your honest view. I don't question her integrity regarding her feelings for me. I don't ever expect she would cheat on me physically, given the hell she went through and knowing her true feelings for me.

 

However, would this bother you if you were dating someone for three months? She has said she sees me as the future father of her children. That I am a kind, loving, innocent, caring soul who she trusts completely.

[Vanilla]

31! you're a man and still young! you're at your prime!!! goodness gracious !!! I think you know what you have to do...

 

(((Going to check out the blog...)))

[PocoDiablo]

Jake,

 

First, the blog reads like an invitation to sex. And I am sure she gets solicitations frequently.

 

Second, you can contact her. Why? Who would need to contact her if she had no need for attention because you were everything?

 

Third, I read this: "About Me: I like to be a bad little girl." Am I the only one who reads into this?

 

Fourth, there is not enough mention about you - her boyfriend.

 

Call me crazy, but I'd say this woman does not meet my standards. I would not date her unless she got rid of the blog. Being online is okay, but being sexual online is the issue. YOU should be the solution to all needs sexual.

 

In my opinion.

[Jut]

Posting of Nude photos!!!! How can you call her your girlfriend? WOuld you be happy if tomorrow you get to know that she has things going on with other guys. This is no innocent stuff and you dont need to act THE SAVIOR to help her out of her depression. There are certain actions she needs to be responsible for even if she is depressed. You cant help someone who is driving on the wrong side of the road towards incoming traffic , all you can do is teach people to be in lane when they are on the right side of the road.

[Vanilla]

I comepletely agree with Poco...I mean seriously!!! That was just too much and ...I wont even go into it...

 

the invitation for contact is SO creepy!!! Its like she's seriously looking to cheat on you or something. I mean this is JUST NOT NORMAL.

 

Why should she stop anyways? You aren't going ANYWHERE and she can still be sexual with other men (even if it is online its still BAD)...

 

I just dont get why you're still around!

[WildChild]

Nope, absolutely UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!! The black and white photo is artsy, so I am not certain on my thoughts on that. But the erotica blog, jesus martha, write for Hustler. Just glanced through some previous blogs and comments, and nope I would kick her to the curb. Sorry, but she has no business talking like that to anyone if she is in a committed relationship. She may tell you she would never cheat on you, and maybe she wouldn't but the way she is talking to these men does not leave a whole lot for the imagination. Again, sorry but I could not support you if you said you would change your values and morals for something soo, soooo, wrong. Does she even post that she has a bf? And if these people know that she does, what do you think runs through their heads that this gal has a bf and she is talking to us and sending us photos. You gotta really sit down and think this one through. Don't change your values for something that is so obviously wrong whether she wants to believe it or not.

[lgirl]

hey Jake, really sorry to hear of your troubles with your gf. Vanilla is right, it is NOT innocent flirting (when is it ever?). your girl is playing games with you - she knows it hurts you and upsets you, but she deliberately still goes ahead and posts nude pics of herself. i have to say that as a woman i don't understand her behaviour at all. it sounds like she is craving attention of the negative variety and i'm sorry to say that as you can't help her you would be better off without her. stand by your feelings - if you feel emotionally betrayed it's for a reason. there's NO way someone in a loving r/shp would behave the way she is behaving towards you. it's totally unacceptable.

 

there is NO excuse for choosing to hurt your partner on purpose. why would someone do that to the person they love? i'm sorry but she obviously has control issues and sounds incredibly emotionally immature. i'm also sorry to say that it sounds like she has NO respect for you whatsoever, which is why she's actively 'defying' you. she really is playing you big time, buddy. taking advantage of you emotionally, definitely manipulating your feelings/pushing your buttons for her own aims, is how it looks from here. maybe she learned this from her ex, maybe she's just damaged. the main thing is you have to listen to your feelings - and act on them (the hardest part!!) - and most importantly, PROTECT them.

 

you deserve to have your love reciprocated fully. don't compromise yourself b/c this is yr first r/shp. there are SO many lovely girls/women out there who would NEVER dream of treating you so badly.

 

love isn't about playing games, causing anxiety and confusion, or (consciously) hurting the other person.

 

be brave - it doesn't sound like she's right for you at all. (PS i hate to mention this, but i feel i must warn you that her behaviour will only get worse and it will eventually lead her to cheat on you).

[WildChild]

When I get a second, I am going to go check this out again based on the other posts I am assuming there are different pics than the one under TODAY'S BLOG? And that is something else I forgot, she just posted that TODAY....after another huge argument about it last night? Now I think that is a liiittttlllleee ironic and it seems to me she is now doing her best to piss you off and basically say "Oh, yeah? You don't like it? Watch this!"

[JakeInFla]

Yes, I know it's an obvious "Screw you!!" by her posting these things. I just don't understand how someone could treat another person so badly, when all they try to do is be there for them emotionally and physically. It hurts so much that I just want the pain to go away.

 

](*,)

[WildChild]

Jake, why, why, why, would you want to love or be loved by someone who is behaving this way????? AND treating you worse than I don't even know the word for it. You know it is wrong, you know you would have to change your values and morals, you know she is INTENTIONALLY doing this to hurt you. So what if she says you are the one she wants to have a family with, so what if she is depressed....her behavior is inexcusable and stop making excuses for it. You are not her saviour, you are a man who wants to love her and be there for her. If this is her love, it is twisted.

[WildChild]

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so hard on you because love can be blind, but this time I am just astonished. I would love to say speechless, but I just can't stop ranting at her audacity.

[JakeInFla]

My wish is that she could understand that. I know she sees this as simply her venting her thoughts and feelings and nothing more. She just can't see how I could have the nerve to be offended and put off by it all.

 

I wish she could understand this. I wish I could accept it. It's not the postings that scare me...it's what they represent. A precursor to more outlandish behavior resulting in my having my heart broken all over again.

 

I wish someone could make her understand this. IN a way, I almost feel as if she is doing this, either consciously or sub-consciously to end our relationship without feeling guility. Perhaps I don't do it for her sexually and this is her out?

 

I don't know, but it's hard to feel attracted and turned on by someone who does such things, in blatant disregard for my feelings.

 

I hate all of this.