I don't now what to do

[sweetheart230]

So the other night I almost hooked up with this really hot guy who has a girlfriend-- her friend caught us. And a month ago, I hooked up with this really hot rich guy when visiting a friend. I always do these kinds of things when I drink...so i don't go out hardly at all anymore. Its not like I regret them or anything, but it seems like the only kind of contact I get with men.

 

When I'm drunk, I'm open, friendly, smile and laugh and flirt. I don't do any of this when I'm sober. But when I'm drunk I only meet guys like that and do bad stuff. Its like I can't find a guy who wants to go out on a proper date with me or to be interested in me for anything other than sex. When I'm sober I don't meet any guys at all.

 

I want to stop only meeting guys when I'm drunk who want to just have sex with me. I know I'm physically attractive...when I decide I want a guy when I'm out all I have to do is flirt a little and he's mine, even if he's the most desired guy in the room. But I'm SOOO shy when I'm sober and never meet anybody. It's like nobody wants me except for a quick thrill. I don't dress revealingly...even when I go out drinking. I don't even act like I want to have sex...like my friend falls all over guys and I definitely don't do that. But she has a boyfriend (who treats her like crap and has never taken her on a date, though).

 

I want good, wholesome attention. But it seems as if the only attention I can get is sexual. I really want to start playing the field a little and getting out there and dating. I don't necessarily want a relationship, but I'd like to seeing whats out there. I feel like no one wants me, though. Do you think it will get better if I start to flirt and smile and be nice to men when I'm sober, too? Or will they just be interested in sex, too?

 

I really don't know how to change things.

[Picotazo101]

Well, the big question on my mind is *where* is it that you are doing all this drinking and carousing? Parties? Bars? Clubs? If so, then what do you expect? Especially at your age, and especially in college.

People go to these places to drink and get laid. A guy sees you drinking, flirting, having fun at a bar, he's most likely going to assume he can get some out of you. If you wanna meet more 'wholesome' guys, hmm ....

There's gotta be clubs (school clubs, not bars) or student activities you can join around campus, some that might really interest you. Good place to meet a guy who might have some similar interests.

 

Or perhaps you can *shudder* try Facebook. I wouldn't, but it might help you.

[sweetheart230]

Well I was at a bar, but I met up with some friends on campus afterward and I met him while we were getting food (we've always had a thing for each other even though he has a gf). The other one was at a bar. Most the time I meet guys at parties and that's when I hook up with them. But other girls seem to get dates and stuff.

[traz]

Maybe if you'd stop having sex with them the first night they'd ask you out on a date? Sadly, at parties and bars, if you give the guy the option of sex, he's going to take it. If you take it away, then he may see you for more.

 

And looking other places for guys is a good idea, as well as perhaps not drinking when you go out? Is that an option? lol

[Picotazo101]

Lemme put that another way;

 

Going out on the town, having a few drinks and hooking up with fellows you don't really know sends a certain message: I'm out for a good time but not much else. So honestly, nobody is really going to try to get anything else out of you.

 

But I don't think this is the problem here. Before you can really ever hope to be happy with another person, you have to be happy with yourself. You sound like you have some self-esteem issues. You obviously aren't incapable of meeting new people, or socializing, but I think you are staking too much of your happiness on finding a boyfriend. Look at it like this: work towards your own happiness, remain social and fun, and before I long, I believe, a good relationship will just happen.

[Belle]

What they said.

 

Sweetheart, if you know you can get the goodlooking guys, what's the problem? Stop drinking and hanging out in bars for hookups. Respect yourself and find interests that include lots of men. Don't have sex for a while after you get to know them. Make them earn you. Believe it or not, your looks give you currency. A great personality gives you a lot more. Don't throw your money away on beggars.

 

I hate to see a pretty girl who doesn't know what to do with what she's got.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[sweetheart230]

No one wants more for me. I stopped going out and drinking and I didn't meet anyone. I've only went ot bars twice in the last month and both times I wound up with a ridiculously handsome sought after man who wanted sex and nothing more.

 

I don't have sex with them. I draw the line and they stop. But they dont' want me for more. No one wants me for more ever. I'm so shy when I'm not drunk. I don't even look at guys or make eye contact or smkle when I'm sober.

 

I just never meet anybody. No one wants to date me. I just want to have a good time and meet nice people. Not necessarily for a boyfriend, but I want to just date and meet some nice guys to have some innocent fun.

 

The only person I've hever had sex with was my ex and that was six months after I met him. I'm not like a stupid trashy *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* or anything. But no one wants me for anything substantial. The only way a guy wants to come near me is cause he wants sex. No one else wants to have anything to do with me.

[Picotazo101]

No one wants more for me. I stopped going out and drinking and I didn't meet anyone. I've only went ot bars twice in the last month and both times I wound up with a ridiculously handsome sought after man who wanted sex and nothing more.

 

Well, there you go. You met these guys in bars.

 

I think you're trying a little too hard. It's too bad you think that you can only be social when you've been drinking. Take it from someone who used to be ridiculously shy. I still am a little, but I socialize easy when I get the chance. I choose not to do so at bars and clubs because I figure the girls are only there to get picked up. You sound like a nice girl, but you're a little too unsure of yourself.

[sweetheart230]

Well what else am I supposed to think? When I didn't want anyone, I didn't find anyone. When I want to date, I don't find anyone. I used to think that if I was just friendly and smiled and flirted, I would at least get dates. But I can only do that when I drink, and when I drink I get guys who want to use me for sex and don't even ask for my number.

 

What am I doing so wrong that no one wants me? Seriously? I don't know what to do. All I want to do is have some fun in another way. Maybe my ex is right, I'm just too stupid and crazy and and young not attractive to find anybody. I mean everyone says I'm beautiful. But god who even knows if they're lying. I look good in pictures but pictures are just pictures. I might have low self esteem, but LOTS of girls with low self esteem still get dates somehow. I used to be like "Its cause they flirt" but when the only times i've flirted (when i'm in bars and had a couple of drinks) I just get these jerks.

 

I''m sorry, but it can't just be that I am attracted to bad guys. There has to be a reason that the only time a guy is interested is when he wants to use me and screw me. There has to be something wrong wtih me. Can't someone just tell me what to do differently so I don't go on like this?

 

What is so different about the girls who get dates? I mean there must be something I'm doing wrong. Don't just tell me it'll happen. It seems to happen for everyone except me.

[Picotazo101]

You sound like you're having a really bad night. I don't think there's anything I can really say at the moment that would help, because these emotions need to run their course. I could be very wrong, but it seems to me, in college, that the harder a girl tries to find a boyfriend, especially when she's attractive, the more likely she is to land some jerk who just wants sex.

 

I don't know what else to tell you, really. I mean, I'm not a girl, so I don't know what it's like. I know what I know because of stories I've heard. I know what it's like to feel helpless, though ...I used to be quite the hopeless romantic. Unfortunately, it landed me my ex, heh heh. Live and learn, I suppose.

 

You'll be fine, no worries.

[walkingwithaghost]

whats wrong with facebook? i use that to pick up men all the time. hehe

[walkingwithaghost]

um if a guys really hot and wants to get laid he'll go with the girl who is the most likely to have sex with him (not the best catch, just the most likely to give him some)

[ocrob]

Hello sweetheart,

 

You sound like a nice person and I will try to give some advice. I don't know what you look like so I will give you two scenarios. Either you are very attractive and men are intimidated of you or you may be less attractive and these drunk guys are trying for a last call. That sounds so rude and I am sure that is not the case! I will assume you are beautiful and go from there. By the way, beauty is so subjective and to me it is way more than looks. It is the mind, heart, and soul. So, when these good looking guys are hitting on you. You should flirt, hug, and maybe kiss. When they get really horny and ask to take you home, just say that you are not like that and prefer to meet someone on a date. Ask them if they would like your number. Trust me on this. I am past this, but when I used to be drunk and was talking to a hot woman, I wanted to take her home. But, if she offered me her number, I would call! It's kind of like sales in a way. Let them know you have the best product, but they will have to make an appointment to learn more about it. You are a very busy person and if they want to get to know you, then they will have to call you. Girl, you have to trust me on this. I was never a player, but at my old age of 36 I am starting to get it all. lol One thing that you have going against you is your age. At your age, unfortunately most guys are looking for sex and not a relationship. The way you get the relationship is by not giving it up. : ) Feel free to PM me, I have seen and experienced a lot.

 

ocrob

[Belle]

Sweetheart,

 

If you truly want to change men's perception of you, you're going to have to actually make an effort to change. People have given you some good advice and it sounds like you're not listening. One thing you're going to have to learn in life is that if you want great improvement and better things brought to your life, you will have to be willing to change the way you think and work for it.

 

For you, you need to change the way you think. We believe what we tell ourselves. You tell yourself that you're not worthy of anything more than a one night stand so you have them and them you reinforce your belief. I can assure you, I've never felt that way because I've never had a one night hook up. I don't believe that all men just want to use me for sex. The way I think influences reality. I've been proposed to a lot. Most guys know they can't possibly get quick change from me for that silly little buck. I know that a lot of men would like to have sex with me, (ouch, that sounds really vain) but I in no way believe that that's all that they want. So start telling yourself that you're worth more until you believe it. I don't care if you have to stick post its up on your mirror to remind yourself. Change the message, it's unbecoming of the new you.

 

Secondly, you need to change milieus. Bars are not the place to meet nice guys. You need to figure out what you like doing, find a social outlet and move your butt. Get out there. Preferably a sport where there is a higher male to female ratio, or a regular cultural event. Mensa. French consulate cooking classes. Whatever. Regular is better because people break down and get to know you and you'll learn better social skills. You won't intimidate people as much when they've seen you a lot. You're going to have to learn to be more charming and less intimidating. But to do that you're going to need practice and build up self confidence.

 

If you keep doing what you've always done you'll continue to get what you've always got.

No excuses.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[Mun]

I hate to tell you this, but most men will want to have sex with you...especially if you are really beautiful. That in no way says anything about the quality of person you are...it just says they like what they see.

 

It's totally up to you to put the stops here. You will get the kind of relationship you want if you set some boundaries and stick to them. Start by not flirting with men when you are drunk, they might get the wrong idea about you.

 

I think ocrob gave you some good suggestions about how to turn things around on these guys. If someone wants to spend some time with you then he will call and he will ask you out on a proper date. I think most guys would put in the effort if they like someone and want to get to know her. Don't make it too easy for a guy to have you. Let him earn it.

 

If someone doesn't try then maybe they are not looking for the same thing you are and won't waste your time or theirs. Know what I mean?

 

Value yourself and other people will too. Like Belle says what you believe about yourself you will make reality.

[Juha]

Maybe you need to be with a man and not a boy...

 

A man will treat you differently than the hot boys you talk with at the bar...

 

At your age going to the bars the boys you are talking with don't want a girlfriend they just want a hook-up...If you are out at the bar this week and making out with a guy and the next time you do the same thing with a different guy all the other guys will see this and think you are easy and go for you also...

 

You do not want that so take control of what you want and don't allow that to happen...

 

It is up to you to decide what you want, it is obvious you like the attention from them...But what does it do for you? You are not happy...

 

When you take control of what you want and who you want then it will come to you...