men and speaking

[Caterina]

I read something that said that men in general do not like to talk, that talking inspires action and independence, while for women it is the glue that holds the relationship together. I don't know if this is true, but I also know that I want a man who likes to communicate and have a good conversation. If he doesn't like to speak, I dont want him. Is this a generality or a bunch of bull?

[darkblue]

Is this a ... bunch of bull?

Yes, pretty much.

 

Some men like to talk, others don't.

It is the exact same for women.

[BellaDonna]

I think a person's propensity to talk/express themselves has more to do with their personailty, the way their own family communicated, and their own self-esteem than it does with their gender/sex.

 

I read something that said that men in general do not like to talk

 

I can think of some various men in my life that I WISH this was true for! lol...For example my boss...I really wish he didn't like to talk. Sadly, he does though, and often...too often.

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

I'm living with a married couple. He never takes a breath, and she smiles sweetly as he blathers on.

 

I can go for days without talking, but with my friends I can often be a real yenta. Blah blah blah. Me me me. Disgusting!

 

Sometimes people stay quiet because their spouse steals the show or criticizes their ideas. Nothing like telling a story at a party with a wife to correct you on minor details. Makes a guy clam up. That was my father's situation.

 

"Harry's so quiet! It just makes me so mad when he won't talk to me it's like talking to a brick wall he never cares to ask me about my day or share his thoughts with me I get so fed up with him he's like a little child sometimes you know what I mean he just sits there and staring at me with that stupid look on his face. I told Marge about it and she said her husbands the same way why are men so hard to read I can't get over how stubborn they all..."

 

Yes dear.

[darkblue]

"Harry's so quiet! It just makes me so mad when he won't talk to me it's like talking to a brick wall he never cares to ask me about my day or share his thoughts with me I get so fed up with him he's like a little child sometimes you know what I mean he just sits there and staring at me with that stupid look on his face. I told Marge about it and she said her husbands the same way why are men so hard to read I can't get over how stubborn they all..."

 

Yes dear.

Funnily enough, those marriages tend to work...

[SpyderE]

Coming from the guy's perspective here, i am generally a quiet person, I listen to everything that is going on, put in my .02 when necessary but other than that I am not a big talker. I am not sure whether it is I don't like to, or I am not good at it. I try to talk more when I am in a relationship more for the girl than me, I like to be out doing things, watching movies etc. With my last ex I would talk on the phone for hours... listen on the phone for hours... I am more than willing to listen, i am good at that, and I do hear what is said.

 

I think with guys it has to do with focus, we get centerd in on one thing, say a movie, and don't want to switch.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

everyones different when it comes to communication styles and how much they like to talk. but you wouldn't want a man simply because of his communicaton styles? goodness that sounds a bit extreme

[BellaDonna]

you wouldn't want a man simply because of his communicaton styles? goodness that sounds a bit extreme

 

I think it's good to know what you want in a partner. Communication, especially, is an extremely important part of any relationship.

 

 

If he doesn't like to speak, I dont want him

 

I think it's good that Caterina knows this- it will save her a lot of time and energy when it comes to dating, and help prevent all kinds of relationship problems later on.

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

This is a really big generalization, I know plenty of men who love to talk...about anything, everything, or even nothing, and plenty of woman whom you can't get to say a single word.

 

Every person is different, every communication style is different and every couple is different.

 

My own boyfriend is great for me, he listens to me when I need an ear, comforts me, we talk often about everything and nothing, but at the same time I know that when it comes to things like politics for example, or with other people, he is someone whom likes to have all the facts before he blathers, and likes to also feel knowledgeable before he starts debating with someone. I would prefer more people did that honestly He also has his more quiet times when he needs to just think things through, or has a lot on his mind, and is not ready to talk yet. I just let him know I am there for him, and give him that space.

 

I think to rule someone out based how much they talk RIGHT AWAY is a bit premature, as once someone is more comfortable with you over a few days, they may become MORE communicative, or in some cases less so. What if the guy whom you have great conversations with at the beginning, suddenly turns out to be someone whom only chats women up when he is flirting initially? What if the guy whom is a little more reserved, is the one whom as the relationships develops, is the one whom loves to communicate even more then you do! HOWEVER, there does of course have to be some sort of standards, it should not feel like pulling teeth at the outset for him to even tell you his favourite colour!

[SolSystem]

If you judge someone because they don't speak as much as you then you're superficial and shallow. Maybe the guy is shy. Maybe not.

 

People need to stop caring so much about whether people talk enough or not. Get over it.

[BellaDonna]

If you judge someone because they don't speak as much as you then you're superficial and shallow.

 

I'm confused.

 

This is what I'm getting from your post:

 

It's not ok for a person to judge someone because they don't speak a lot- that would make a person who judges "superficial" and "shallow"

 

However it's somehow ok for you to judge someone like Caterina simply because she wants a partner that likes to speak and make good conversation? It's also ok to call her names apparently.....like "superficial" and "shallow".

 

That does not sound like respectful communciation to me at all. It also is very contradictory.

 

I think to rule someone out based how much they talk RIGHT AWAY is a bit premature

 

RayKay put it very well. Don't judge someone and their communication style without getting to know them. However, once you get to know them- if their communication style is not compatible with yours, then I see NO REASON to look down on a person who has standards (for example, wants a partner that likes to make good conversation).

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

Many people can't stand silence of any kind. They have to wear headphones to walk, can't drive the car without a cellphone or music or TV and talk during films they've paid to see. There's also a need by some to have the full attention of the room.

 

Avoiding quiet people is a good idea for these people. As a quiet guy, I have nothing to offer them.

[Caterina]

I think a person's propensity to talk/express themselves has more to do with their personailty, the way their own family communicated, and their own self-esteem than it does with their gender/sex.

 

 

 

I can think of some various men in my life that I WISH this was true for! lol...For example my boss...I really wish he didn't like to talk. Sadly, he does though, and often...too often.

 

BellaDonna

 

You're hilarious.

[Caterina]

BellaDonna pretty much explained for me why I do not want someone who will not speak with me. To me, having an animated discussion is a sincere form of expressing love. People like to feel appreciated, and I feel appreciated if the person is listening and then providing good/interesting feedback on what he has heard, and visa versa. TO me, if someone is not able to communicate with me, then they do not have the same definetions for expressing love that I do and that is important. Also, I think that there is a time for everything. I like quiet, but I like quiet on my own time, and I don't just like noise, I like someone who says something that piques interest, or expresses emotions through words, etc.

 

Anyhow, the article I read said that speaking means different things to men and women, and had a smaller focus on how much they speak, and a larger focus on what their motivations for speaking are. Men establish power when they speak, supposedly, and women establish a connection. I had a problem with that, more then whether or not they speak a lot. LIke its been said, I know some people who speak too much about nothing at all.

[SLMitchell918]

Communication is the key to all relationships however you have to be careful when picking the guy because sometimes you never know how they will turn out. My husband was a talker in the beginning. Which was one thing i really loved but eventually as time passed, he didn't talk nearly as much. So some men might not come off as talkers but after a few months together, they can really open up. You need to talk to any potential guys and let them know how important communication is to you.

[Derek]

Caterina, some guys might express their love through actions, through building things for you (handyman), through doing chores, through giving gifts perhaps. Is that so bad?

 

There are guys that like to talk and have the skills to talk alot. I would agree that generally guys don't see "talk" as an action or as a way to "connect". They see it as a necessary evil to get things done. =) They are thinking about the end goal, about the bottom line, guys are thinking about the solution as soon as you start talking about the problem. It is hard for a guy to realize that "talk" has value in itself, especially for women. (I'm a guy and I know this, but I still don't feel a great need to talk to anyone, but I will if I am prompted and I would try to force myself if the relationship needed it, but at a certain point the effort outweighs the benefits)

 

If verbal communication is a clear need for you, then there is nothing wrong with looking for that ability in a guy. Just remember that a guy can't fulfill all your needs in life, only you can. Don't look to the guy to solve all your problems and make you feel good all the time. Girlfriends are still good to have around.

 

 

[corvidae]

I either talk too much or not at all. Oh well.