Well..here it goes

[journey05]

I've been reading the threads here for a couple days and have found some form of "ease" here.

Anyway story for me is alot like others. I have been in a relationship with a woman now for 3 years. When we met we talked in the bar we worked at for hours..well after closing. She gave me her number and I called setting up a date for the day after. Anyway, we hit it off in a major way.

 

You know how it is at first. This was different for me and for her as she told me once. We had are share of conflicts but nothing drastic but 4 months into the realationship she wanted to end it. She has had problems feeling like people are trying to control her and problems with being committed. We got back together four days later, of course I came back to her with flowers

Thing were great for us.

 

Then she got pregnant.. I was there for her and told her things would be alright. We got through it and we were living together after 8 months together. Then while she was about 7 months pregnant I received orders to go to Iraq. It was really hard for her and for me aswell. While I was there I worried everyday about her and the baby and if something would happen to them. We shared e-mails and packages and talked as much as we could.

I got home last October and it was a relief..To be hoest Iwas scared shatless. Walking back into her arms and then there was my son.

 

Things were good for about a month or so but I started to feel really distant and found myself arguing and accusing here of things. I wasn't there for my son like I should have been..like she had hoped. To be honest I wasn't there at all. I became very jealous and suspicious of her and like she didn't love me or was cheating on me. We were fighting all the time but there wee good times still.

 

We broke up about 4 times within the past year. Each time I would come right back to her and say " things will be ok we jus need to..this...and that. We would get back together and things would be great. She talked about having more kids and getting a house and marriage. The cycle would soon start up again...fighting and hurt. The last time we parted she said she would get back together if I saw a counsellor--miss spelled---.

 

I agreed and I looked around but never set any appoitments. She found one and went first..then I would go then us both together. It never got that far though. I never made that call to go. I guess Iw as scared to open up that doorway of my loss in my life and well I guess just my life. The stress hit us both hard with her going back to school raising a son and me trying to find a good job..which I found in August and she was happier but the cycle hit again. Anyway one night in November I got angry over something completely reatarted and said "I'm done". I didn't mean it but I had said it before, I guess trying to hurt her. She said to me "fine, whatever". She told me she didn't want to do this anymore.

 

Shes sick of feeling pressure from her family to get married and to sacrifice this and that. She told me she doesnt want a relationship, she wants to be free. I do know that the stress of life played a major factor in this and we stopped having fun together and lost that level of connectedness that we once had. She said for me not to have any hope of us getting back together. I felt horrible. I really started to see what had happened to us. It wasn't our fault I dont think. I love her very dearly and our beautiful son. Its been a month and we have hung out when I went to see my boy or pick him up. She has asked for us to go somewhere with our son and hang out but we never went. She has asked if I wanted to get a movie..we did but she was too tired to watch it. Then we would talk and she said again " Im not wanting to recindle anything with you." That hurt.

I want her to have her space and figure things out. Ive done enough talking and pushing her to stay..I won't do that again. Its just hard to do N/C and have a son with her.

I'm just a bit lost.

[Bethany]

Trust me when I said that when you have just had a baby, the last thing your looking for is to have sex with other men, its more likey that she needs some space as she must be knackered and may even be a bit depressed so call her and make plans to see your son this weekend, take some pressure off her. Ask her about him, what has he done new today etc so you can keep the lines of communication open.

 

Don't talk about your relationship unless she brings it up, and even then don't go into details and try hard not to argue. I'm all for open and honest but when there is a child involved you need to go softly softly, day by day and try to keep it fun and for her to know that you will always want to see your son and are trying your best.

[Beaker78]

Ok i will answer your NC question.

 

You Dont do it because you cant do it you have a child to this girl and she has asked you to be friends with her for the sake of your child your best option is to detach yourself from your feelings for her (Very hard when in love) and think about you kid cause he needs you to be there for him and so does she.

To be honest if you want her back at all this is really the only option you have, spend time with them and try and create a family without the physical intimacy with your ex and then you can maybe take things from there but you have to remember that its really about you kid now and how you handle being a father because he will need you and so will she

[LiquidCherry]

You can't have NC if you have a child in common. No matter what you will always have contact with this woman, at the very least until your son is 18 and even then there's graduation, a wedding, life, etc.. She is right, that is it in the best interest to remain friends for the benefit of your son. How nice it will be for him at his first school play to see both his parents right there front and center. I would distance yourself from her emotionally and maybe even physically for awhile. There is no reason why you can't call her up and arrange a time to pick up your son. Perhaps once you've healed you can do some family sort of things together but always remain cordial and respectful with her..

[Bethany]

Journey, don't mess up by doing no contact. She is being totally honest about how she feels and you just blah it. Listen to her, man. She's telling you that she wants you as a friend right now and to be father of her child and to support her.

 

Think about it, sort out a day and time with her to see your son and then suck in your emotions, push out you chest and get around there and be a man and a father, be strong and show her the best of you.

[Bethany]

From now on, you have to arrange days and times. In between those times you can ask her if you mind if you phone to see if he is ok and what he has been up to, this will keep you closer as a family, but if she says that she thinks you should only get in touch to talk about him then you need to stick to that too.

 

If the fact that she doesn't love you anymore really hurts and you can't bear to speak to her, then tell her and explain why. Communication is the key to a good relationship and she must understand that you have feelings and even though things have gone wrong and you are keeping away (except the visiting times with your son) because despite still loving her and him, you need some time to heal but will always be there for them.

 

If you can remain friends through all this, toughen up and suck it in, there (I feel) is hope.