I made a decision...now I am not sure.

[frecklegirl]

Well, either I am the biggest idiot on the planet or maybe I am brain dead and existing just to feel so bad..............ahhhh, why is it that those we have given our heart to, when the end is here, we just cannot, will not allow ourselves to move on...at least I feel this way.

 

My b/f and I broke up a year ago. It was always on and off. There is not 1 month out of the 4 years we have dated, broke up or not, we did not get back together, have hot sex, make plans, then fight and end again! This time as I have said in another post, he has moved here with a girl he met on the internet....moved from his home 600 miles away to where I moved! So, if not bad enough..he has continued to contact me, come by and we end up in bed again!

 

2 days ago, after his last "surprise" visit I said "what are you doing to me" He finally said he cannot trust "us" again and can't make any changes.

I said "there's the door"....he sends an email later telling me how he wished it were different, he is afraid to try because if it did not work he would hate us both! He is with a woman that pays the way, he does not work, yet he still calls me!

 

This time I need to be done...my problem is...I totally think we should be together! He makes me so happy when we are good and now I am afraid he will never call again or won't just leap and go for it with us! I don't know, I sound crazy and hate that I feel this way.

 

Someone knock some sense into me please! This is someone I have such passion with, yet he is choosing someone he said is "pleasant". Maybe the security ( $ ) and comfort is more important. Am I crazy for thinking love is the ideal? Advice please.

 

thanks

[Shadows Light]

So.. you got used to the drama of back and forth back and forth. And when it was good you rode the crest.. when it was bad, you'd have drama and begging.. but you always knew that he'd be back. This time... he has someone else.. and you are upset. YOU think you should be together.

 

hmm I'd say that this relationship is NOT a healthy one to begin with. And maybe he's decided to settle or cut his losses... but those are HIS choices to make. You've both created an unhealthy pattern. It was about time for someone to say... enough is enough.. and he's trying to move on. I think you should too. If its this turbulant in the beginning... what do you think its going to be like when poop really hits the fan and it gets tough??? when you acquire bigger stressors and responsibilities????

Its not going to be good thats for sure. Let it go.

[smallworld]

Hey Frecklegirl, I have the pleasure of informing you that you are not the biggest idiot on the planet, nor are you brain dead. I think those honorariums belong to your Ex who has two wonderful women that both want him but doesn't have the decency to not "play" them both.

 

As good as things can be, reality is:

1. He's "with" her.

2. He's cheating on her with you.

3. He lives off of her and will most likely live off of you if you take him back. (But if that's ok with you, disregard this one.)

4. He said he can't trust you (as a couple) again and doesn't want to do anything about it. Translation: He's ok with cheating on her with you, but not dating you exclusively.

 

All of the above are HIS choices. Do they describe the kind of relationship you deserve or want with him??? Obviously if he hasn't forgotten you after a year, he isn't going to forget you if you do the right thing and let him go. In fact you standing up for yourself and walk away might be the one thing that makes him realize what a good thing he's losing with you. I know when things are good, they're good, but things aren't good sweetie and you deserve so much more than this!

 

If he can bought with money, then it's neither love or ideal.

[registered]

You need to move on.

 

You have got back with him and then been faced with it ending again how many times?!

 

Every time that happens is an insult to your better judgement. The next time will NOT be alright. How many times has the next time already not been final time?!

 

This guy is not someone you want to know. He cheats on his girlfriend, lives off of her and leads you on. I find it extremely hard to believe that he is looking for anything like that which you are hoping for.

No amount of good times can hide those things.

 

This guy is holding you back - why let him?

It is time to cut the chains and move on to bigger and better things.

True happiness is not what this guy offers (takes from...) you. Your true happiness is somewhere else, you will only find it if you go in search of it and leave him out of your life to take from and cheat on other people.

[frecklegirl]

Wow, I feel embarrased and a little ashamed that I have allowed someone to treat me this way. You are all right and thank-you so much for such honest responses. It must be about my own self asteem, and even knowing that I feel this way about myself, I end up fighting the urge to contact him, and try to show him how wonderful we would be!

 

Geez, his is neither Love nor Ideal as you have said.....He cheated on her, I was just an hour of his time, then the e-mails and calls come and I end up hoping/believing we will be sooooooooo happy in the end.

 

Shadow, I think you nailed it! We have always been unhealthy.

In response to how many break-up finals.......too many to count, each more intense and hateful words on his end.

 

He tells me know he needs stability...money, nice cars, etc. He is not physically attracted to her, but the comfort out weighs the desire he wants. I guess he thought he would still get that "fed" by me....I suppose if I am out, he will find another....sad, how can someone do that and how did I not take myself out of this so long ago? Bigger than that, why do I want him to want me, really want me purely???

 

I will do this NC if it takes everything I have....

 

my most heartfelt gratitude for you taking the time to read and your candid thoughts.

[frecklegirl]

Please, someone tell me not to call, not to think, not to write, I am having a withdrawl......it is like a compulsion. I feel I must write him something for him to think about me.....what the hell is that???

[Lil Punkin]

Freckle...

 

You ARE going through "withdrawals"...its very commom.You were in an "addictive" type relationship..and now you're going "cold turkey". It is expected to happen. Treat this ex as a bad "habit" you'e trying to break...would you start using drugs again if you knew you'd end up strung out

and sorry for it afterward? Of course not!! The same with an ex who is bad for you. Too bad there ISN'T drug we can take to get over this though huh?lol.

 

Hang in there girl.........you'll make it!!!

[registered]

Well you shouldn't feel bad about your "compulsion".

 

Don't call! Don't think about him! Don't write!

Is that better?

 

I think you make a good point that this issue does involve you...I would guess that you are trying to use him to fill a certain void in your life? There is something you _think_ he may be able to give you.

The only problem is that he doesn't fill that void completely.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, you are just pinning your hope on the wrong person to fill it!

 

I think firstly, you must try and fill that void with yourself...I mean, you need to be happy about yourself as an individual (Ie. not as someone's partner or potential partner).

I say this because when that void changes (shrinks, shifts, however you want to look at it), you will be attracted to different people who offer different things...this guy probably fills part of the void you have now, but there is a lot left empty.

If you can fill the part of you that he provided you, by yourself, then you will no longer need him or feel that compulsion.

The "void" will then change and you will seek different people who offer different things.

 

Hmmm, I need to stop using such stupid analogies lol...but hopefully it makes a bit of sense.

 

If you call or message him you are only going to restart that cycle. You will not be doing yourself any favours.

Put the phone down, and walk away from the computer....do something to distract you...unfortunately they don't make "ex-boyfriend patches"...you will have to go cold-turkey on this one.

Maybe someone who quit smoking could give you some more advice lol.

 

Good luck!

[melrich]

Please, someone tell me not to call, not to think, not to write, I am having a withdrawl......it is like a compulsion. I feel I must write him something for him to think about me.....what the hell is that???

 

 

Mmmmm...I suspect thatyou may not be totally committed to ending this relationship. No one will be able to "talk" you into remaining strong. I don't think you are ready for it to end and trying to "act" like you are is just going to stress you.

 

There's nothing really wrong with a volatile relationship other than one day one of you is likely to grow out of it.

[frecklegirl]

registered, you are probably right on with your analogies and your feeling that I am trying to fill a void....not exactly sure what it is. He give me the feeling that I am sexy, desired, and exciting. He also gives me the feeling that I have not accepted him when he wanted to move in, that I hide my emotions, etc. I have felt untrust with him and I suppose it was more than apparant. He thrills me and makes me insecure all at the same time.

 

Melrich, you too have made me think and I so dislike the fact that I do want this relationship to continue, but not on these terms. I do not want to be anyone's second best, or just a sexual, fun time. I want 100% love. He is not capable, maybe. He is cheating on someone he has known for 8 months and moved in with. He moved here after I left where we lived 600 miles away a year ago. He says she makes him stable, but gives me "hope" that " maybe with counceling we could make it". Then he says he has no trust. This of course was directly after we hopped into bed on one of his drive-bys! This is my low worth shinning through. I am worthy of so much more yet I seem to want/need so much less!

 

Any advice or opinions needed here!

[melrich]

Oh OK, I missed the part that said he is in another full on relationship.

 

Then you do have to cut contact, make him make the decision. I guess you already know that he is right now getting the best of both worlds and there is no real incentive for him to make a decision one way or the other.

[frecklegirl]

Melrich, it's ok.....it may have been easy to miss....after all, I even tried to pretend the new relationship did not exist! I moved away from where he and I both lived 2 yrs. ago....we broke up from the long distance about 9 months ago. He and I still saw each other, loved, etc...you know, every month. He met someone online 8 months ago here, in my town! Now he has moved in with her here about 10 miles away! he comes by my house etc. until last Monday when I said if there was no change in sight " there is the door"! he wrote me later saying he had no trust, but love you, miss you etc.

 

We have done this so many times.....this time though he is trying to move on. He is not totally happy with the new one, but she does offer material comforts. No passion, but he says maybe one can't have it all, and he and I fought to much for him to risk trying again and losing what he now has going on.

 

I have no respect, yet I am mentally stuck with this crazy thought/fantasy that we would be alright eventually....we have such passion that it is hard to believe it is not real.

 

sorry for the history, but that is the background a bit.

[keefy1972]

Freckle, the bottom line is this: HE IS A USER!! He's using the other girl for money and uses you for sex. He probably also uses you as an emotional tampon...once a month or so to lean on as a way to stroke his ego. You deserve better than that. From the background you give me here, he is a scumbag. Sorry if that's harsh and insults your tastes in some way but it doesn't reflect on you. He isn't a good person and you should be happy to be rid of him.

[frecklegirl]

Keefy, thanks for the reply. I sometimes think what could I have done to change things...He did ask to live with me all year prior to doing the internet girl deal. I was so leary of the fights and to be honest I always felt a bit used financially and found myself worrried I would become resentful. He wanted to stay home and be the "house boy". Now the new girl seems to be ok with that. She makes much more money than I do, although we are both professional people, but I keep feeling like he would rather have the financial security that a passionate loving relationship.

 

I guess that is not so bad and maybe I should take a lesson from his book! Passion has not gotten me so far with this one! I made my share of mistakes with him, drinking to much and the mistrust with my suspision of his "looking elsewhere" always was in the back of my mind.

 

Now though I feel lost. I miss us! I feel like she was able to see past his staying home and enjoy the company. He says they do not fight and he is comfortable.

 

I guess I just could not do that but I still feel I was not patient enough.

I dunno, can't help but wish it were different. It is like my head is not thinking straight!

[keefy1972]

You're not thinking straight freckle. You're hurting and that is perfectly normal. Why would anyone be ok with someone who has no more ambition in life than to be a "house boy"? I understand you were passionate about him and loved him. How were you not patient enough? What would you be waiting for? For him to continue to mooch off of and live off of you and all he is responsible for is throwing you a, or, the bone?

 

You've wasted entirely too much of your life with someone that doesn't deserve to be pampered and taken care of. You've got to see that, while Im sure he had his good points, on the whole he is just no damned good.

[frecklegirl]

Oh my, I am laughing out loud Great, uh...pun about the bone!

I always feel sorry. He had a hard life, family issues, blah blah, who hasn't I suppose.

 

He had many dreams but seemed like kept changing... computer guy, photographer, proffesional student, etc. i felt sometimes I was not totally supportive or believed the "dream" wound never happen.

 

As it is now he is still staying at home cooking her dinner and taking care of the cat.......while he is also busy downloading porn while she is working and calling me, which I end up allowing all the while being disgusted!

[Lil Punkin]

Freckle....

 

Keefy is right, harsh as the reality is..this guy is a LOSER....do you want to be associated with a LOSER?? I mean think about it. Would your parents be proud of you for your choice? Although I know it's YOUR decision who you date..but could you be proud to say..'Yeah he doesn't work, I pay the bills, he really has nothing to offer me, but I LOVE him anyway". Does that sound like your dream guy?? Think about it.....You know this guy is BAD NEWS.You gotta take off those rose colored galsses...or beer goggles, whatever you call them...and see this as it is.

 

You can do better!!

[keefy1972]

I'm glad I made you laugh freckle. Anyways, his "hard life" is not your fault nor is it your responsibility to correct. You may want to work on, what appears to be, your "rescuer" personality. This guy is a loser and he's going nowhere in life. You are not going to save him. All you can do is what's best for you. Believe me, he isn't it!!

 

I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there who would be more than happy to "throw you the bone" and maintain a job of their own at the same time. Anyways, "How you doin'"

[keefy1972]

How old are you freckle?

[Shadows Light]

Freckle...

 

Being supportive of someones "dreams" is a good thing... but its a two way street. Being supportive doesn't mean you end up paying for his bills for forever and a day. While he's chasing his dreams... he could be working at other jobs, doing "anything" to show he's applying himself.

 

Life is meant to be shared. And that means shared down the middle. If you both agree and are happy with the way you live... you working and him not..then thats great. But why should you feel resentful???? Love doesn't pay the bills or put food on the table. You LIVE IN LOVE... NOT FROM LOVE.

 

If he's HAPPY where he is right now.. and its working for him w/ this new GF... isn't it better than to "hold" on to him and you both be miserable and fighting? That is no way to live.

 

It's going to take you a little bit of time to break from "the habit"... to break the "routine" that you've grown accustomed to. And to get over the "fear" of being single again.

 

Give yourself time... and reward yourself for every week that you make it through NC. Kind of like positive reinforcement. The money that he would have cost you that week in food/bills and what not...put toward a NEW OUTFIT. A book. A CD. New linens. Something new for your living space. It does get easier as time goes on. The beginning stages of NC and letting go...is the toughest.. no matter which side of the fence you are sitting on.

[frecklegirl]

Shadow, thanks for the advice.....true I could probably have quite a wardrobe with the cash I may save! Actually letting go seems to feel more like I have failed him. He has said how he put so much trust in me and us and how I had let him down....I moved for my job ( I am single parent, sole support) did not let him move in immediately ( we fought, kids, he needed so much attention and my new job needed mine), how I did not understand him....it seemed I would say "I'm sorry" so much and sometimes was not sure what I was sorry about, yet did not want him mad, sad, disappointed!

 

I think if she is ok with the "house boy" idea, then fine.....I just did not feel good about it, yet I loved playing, laughing, loving with him....weird! Guess I was messed up too!

 

Keefy, old enough that I should know better, eh??? you would think!

[frecklegirl]

oh please, don't leave me hangin' , even though I am hangin' by my own thread!

Why is it that I need you guys....??? I guess I need a voice of reason...

 

I am ready to listen...any advice to steer me clear is so welcome

 

keefy, are you there? shadow? anyone?

[frecklegirl]

Hello all,

Saturday morning, 7am. waking up alone I think is one of the hardest emotions I feel since this breakup. I miss having the weekend off and starting off the day kissing your partner!

 

Funny, since he is living accross town now and has even come by here "to see me" after waking up with another!

 

Damn! I am stuck. How to unstick myself is the question! I have good days and today is starting out as one where I feel like I am back at square one.

 

I hear alot of people say " I wonder if he misses me". When my ex said that to me last monday ( after I said "there's the door" ) I looked him in the eye and said " you don't miss me enough D_____ ". He swallalowed hard and started the car as I walked away.

 

Man, how can one live with somone just because it is pleasant! I am having a very tough time moving on. I get asked out, yet blow them off....politely. I just feel there is no point if my heart is so stuck.

[keefy1972]

There really is no point in dating others while pining for an ex. You're closed off and unavailable emotionally. Blowing others off while you're fighting through this is the right thing to do. Good Job!! You just need to maintain no contact so that you can create the distance to see him in another light. What you see will probably make you sick to your stomach. He is a bum honey. Plain and simple. It will take time but you'll see it soon and be eager to leave him in the dust...begging for change on some street corner. LOL

[frecklegirl]

Keefy, thank-you! begging for change????maybe a little too harsh, but it did give me a selfish smile......