Torn between my needs, her needs, and a failed marriage.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I'm tired of waiting around for my wife to figure out what she wants. We're married but we've been separated since september. Since then our relationship has steadily declined.

 

I don't know why, but right now I'm really hurting for that connection/satisfaction you get with being with someone romantically. I can't put into words why this is so important, but the lack of it is making things hard.

 

I've done a really good job of taking care of myself during this tough time, but no matter what I do I can't stop wanting to go out with women and having a good time.

 

I've put my need for female companionship on hold, to give her the time and space she needed to figure things out. Though its been only 3 weeks since I've really pulled back, it's been really tough on me.

 

Why is my desire to be with a woman so strong? Why don't I care if the woman is my wife or not? I miss going to the movies, going out to dinner, the emotional connection, and physical contact. I'm not going to go outside my marriage to meet my needs, but I've found myself very tempted too.

 

I've been flirting with a couple girls, and have even thought about asking one out to dinner. I know its wrong, but I hate my current situation. I also think my desire could be clouding my judgement. Other than my wife is still going to counseling with me, there isn't anything positive about our relationship anymore.

 

My best friend told me that I shouldn't end my marriage to be with a girl, which is good advice. At the same time, I hate giving up what I want, for a chance of saving my marriage.

 

My wife knows about my flirting, because I'm not going to do anything behind her back, but I don't know how much longer I can continue to lie in the cut, and put my needs on hold.

 

I want to tell my wife that I want to see other people. Is that wrong?

[heloladies21]

You don't need your wife's permission for this. You do have the right to tell her that you need a decision as to what she wants to do. If she still says she needs more time, then you can decide what you want to do. It's your life and she can't expect you to wait around forever.

[Beec]

If I were you, I'd see other people. You keep waiting for your wife to make a choice, and she knows you are waiting, and until she gets the idea that you may not be there, she won't have to choose. She can just keep you hanging. Go on a date, maybe it will put a fire under her rear. Let her know that you need to think about moving on, if she won't come back.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thank you both so much for your advice.

 

You're right; I don't need her permission, but I do feel like I'm obligated to let her know. I'm not doing this to make her jealous, just want to do it to enjoy my life.

 

Is it wrong, to feel like I'm not fully enjoying myself because of a lack of companionship? Sorta like looking to someone else to meet my needs.

[heloladies21]

No, it's not wrong to think that way. You have the right to be happy.

[WildChild]

Although I don't know what your situation as to why you and your wife are separated and in counseling, I do agree with the other posts. I completely respect the fact that you want to be honest with your wife and it is important to do so however, you are also honest that outside of counseling you don't have a relationship with her. Although counseling sessions can go in different directions, it might be an option to express your thoughts during a session so that it is in a controlled environment and you have a neutral third party to help intervene.

[OverParanoid]

I also agree with all the posts. I think you have waited long enough, Marriage is not a game and for you to stand by and wait till she decides what she wants, you basically putting your personal needs on hold. Seems to me she wants to have her cake and eat it to and your just another ingredient in her recipe of confusion. I say tell her how u truley feel and get on with your life, dragging you on like this aint healthy for either one of you.. Good luck

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thanks everyone.

 

I followed your advice, and spoke up today during counseling. I said my peace, and my wife finally had to courage to express her desire.

 

She doesn't want to be married to me anymore, so we are getting a divorce.

 

It is sad news of course, but in a way I'm also glad because I can start to address my needs.

 

Now I just gotta figure out if Im ready to start dating again.

[WildChild]

Although you expressed you don't feel like you have a relationship with your wife, I am sorry to hear about the decision for divorce. There must be some relief, but as you said it is still sad news.

 

As for dating, my thoughts are don't jump in head first, test the waters first to see if you are ready. Gather your thoughts, feelings and desires and then take it from there. You may feel you are ready to plunge in, or you may feel you need to just wade in first

[kellbell]

Hi LostInMyThoughts,

 

So sorry about your divorce. Yes, I think you have waited long enough. You deserve to be happy and to get on with your life. Try to stay strong and let us know how you are doing.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thanks all.

 

I'm going to do my best, everyday, to enjoy life for what it is, and not worry about things that I cannot control.

 

Everyday is a blessing, and I intend to spend it like that.

[RayKay]

I am really sorry to here her decision is made Lost....I think once you showed her you won't hang around waiting for her, she made it because she knew she had to in a way, and not lead you on anymore.

 

It will be very hard, I can only imagine, but I do think that it is best you are now able to go your separate ways, and you will not be waiting anymore..

 

Good luck, and LOTS of hugs! She lost something good, you know that, but that does not mean in time, someone else will not appreciate it, in fact I know they will!