should i make a move on my friend?? HELP!

[Lola55]

Ok guys and girls, advice is needed BIG TIME!!!

I have had a thing for one of my guy friends for a long time, HUGE attraction, except I could never act on it because he had a girlfriend for the longest time. A couple months ago they broke up and things have been rather "tense" between the two of us. I know he is attracted to me and I know that he knows i feel the same towards him. However, when we get a moment alone it is like we both freeze up, get akward and basically chicken out. I know that he is still a bit messed up from his break-up so i am not out to try and complicate his life. However, there is a mutual attraction and I don't know what to do! I know that recently he wanted to "try" something with me but never got a moment alone with me (i was told by his good friend). I could say that he was just trying to get some action but why would someone do that to a girl who is a good friend?? It seems like more trouble than its worth. What do you guys think? Should I act on this and take it to the next level? Or do sit back and see where he takes things? and if you think i should act, what do i do????

[darkblue]

It's tricky.

If he is still confused about his ex, and where he stands with her - it's probably best to leave it, as it may turn into more trouble, and heartbreak - than it's worth.

 

If he is certain he is over his ex - things could proceed.

How things proceed: Simple. You let it happen.

There is no need for tension if you are comfortable in his company.

 

Good luck.

[Mrocza]

From personal experience, I would be VERY cautious. It might not work out the way you plan.

 

When my best guy friend and I ended up both single after our two year intimate friendship, and always being somewhat attracted to each other, and after many months single, both lonely, we acted out on it. I don't know if it was horomones or what. I thought I was in love with him, he acted like he was really into me, but after the tension built up and we started to get intimate, things got really weird. I realized I never really LOVED him in THAT way, and I regretted it because it seriously screwed up our friendship (non existant, except for casual outings with mutual friends)

 

Make sure it's not a sexual thing.

 

But you never know, it may work out for the best. I'm just cautioning you for the worst :S From my experience.

[Lola55]

yeah i get what you both mean, the thing is it is not just sexual. Well for me anyway, I really don't know where he stands. It would have to be discussed but everytime we have a moment alone we both freeze up. I have always thought he was a great guy and I would love to date him, I just don't want to ruin our friendship if he does not feel the same....know what i mean? So how do I know? what can I do?

[Mrocza]

Well...if you really have feelings for the guy and are considering possibly sacrificing your friendship to make something out of it, then just talk to him.

You'll always be wondering what if, if you don't.And if you do, knowing is better than not.

You're best friends, it'll come easier than you think when you actually get the ball rolling.

[Lola55]

I wonder what I can do to let him know that I am willing to cross the friendship barrier? I mean I could tell him flat out but that is easier said than done. I have tried flirting and everything! its very frustrating!

[annie24]

definitely - be cautious! Things can really blow up.

 

You can try dropping a few "hints." Like, if he does something sweet, tell him something like, "Thanks - you are so great! I wish I had a boyfriend like you!" with a smile. Maybe he'll get the hint. Be a little flirtier, wear a skirt when you're around him. See what happens. DON"T PUSH!!!!!

 

Good luck.

[darkblue]

Be a little flirtier, wear a skirt when you're around him

I don't know whether to laugh or scream..

[Markers]

wear a skirt when you're around him.

 

nobody will ever read into that

[traz]

So you mean a girl that wears pants around me doesn't like me? -/

 

 

[darkblue]

It's a new one on me, too, traz - I must admit.

 

Does it also mean that everyone in my local swimming pool is in love with me?!

[annie24]

nobody will ever read into that

 

Boys don't read into that! They just notice you a bit more, silly! It's worked for me everytime They look at your legs, and then give you a big dumb smile.

 

I have noticed that if I wear a short skirt around a male friend who typically see me in jeans, he becomes a lot more attentive and interested all of a sudden....

[Markers]

ok I dunno who you have been hanging around with lol... because sure you get noticed by guys who are just staring at your butt anyway and are just glad like "hey! more flesh! cool!" and dunno, if I was a girl I maybe wouldn't want exactly that.

[Lola55]

alright, well besides the whole skirt idea, do you guys think I should do this?? Should I flirt, put it out there and let him know for sure that I have a thing for him? Or should I wait and let him do all the work?? The thing is, I have a feeling that he is just as uneasy about all of this as I am so we are both acting the same about it. How can I put him at ease and let him know that i am ok with him crossing the friendship line without looking too over the top and desperate?? Forget about the skirt! help me!haha!

[annie24]

(I have had great success with male friends and short skirts, but fine, if you don't have the legs to pull it off, then don't )

 

Anyways, why don't you invite him over to your place to watch some videos, or ask him to fix something at your house. Get a bottle of wine also. If something is meant to happen, trust me, it will. If he leaves without making a move, then "He's just not that into you."

[Lola55]

That is a good point......however, inviting him over to my house would be very odd since we have never been alone like that before! I think asking him over alone would make him think, ok she wants me BAD! i want to be a little more low-key, well to be honest, in a perfect world he would be doing all the work! haha

I feel like i just need to give him the sign that I am ok with him crossing that barrier.....just don't really know how to do that. Should I just tell him flat out....its ok for you to kiss me?? would that be a turn on?? what if he refused? how embarrassing would that be?!!

[annie24]

Nah..... I wouldn't do that. I've done that, and I've found that while, yes, the male friend will kiss you, it's really not a gaurantee of things going well.

 

Do you have anything in your apartment that you can break? LOL. Seriously, most guys love to fix stuff. Or, ask if he can come over and help you lift something heavy, like if you want to rearrange the furniture in your living room.

 

Then, to thank him, sit down and have a drink together, and see how things go.

 

good luck

[Kaia]

I agree, ask him to fix something trivial, ask him to explain stuff, ask him for advices, those are all good and not too obvious. Hopefully he'll notice you're asking him more than usual. At least that gives you some time alone, and a common topic to talk about (make things less awkward).

 

As for asking him to kiss you, it depends how certain you think he wants to cross the friend barrier. I would advise against that too.

 

I'm dating a friend now and it's been a very interesting experience. I was so nervous at the beginning I couldn't even look at him for long (and this is someone i've known for years!). But things are going well now and I'm so glad I made the effort to cross the friendship barrier with him.

 

How long has he been with his ex before? Be careful with that!

[sparticuss]

Ok

A couple of important points.

Firstly take the secondhand claims of a mutual friend of his with a grain of salt and two asprin. They are often just as much blind guess work as yours.

 

You don't KNOW that he has feelings for you until he has said so in plain english. Even then he may be lying. This waffle about body language is worthless. The ultimate in body language is the guys who simply sit and watch the passing parade, their heads turing back and fourt like watching a tenniss match.

But they arent in live with these girls, not even in lust. They simply enjoy watching the passing parade.

 

Finally. The only guys who recover easily from a break up are those who weren't in love in the first place. The rest take breakups hard. Very hard! So expect a great many oddities, and inconsistincies in his behaviour.

[Lola55]

you are all making great points...I totally agree with not taking second hand info from his friends but at this point it is all I really have!

As for he and his ex. They dated for a long time! Approximately 4 years...the last couple years they broke up a couple times and then about 4 months ago they broke up for good. I do believe he was in love with her, why else would they have been together for so long? However, the whole time everyone thought he could do better, he seems like he got really comfortable with her though.....I am really not positive. I am worried about that aspect for sure and I really don't know if he even likes me very much....could just be physical. However, it is the unknown that is killing me! and the chance that something COULD possibly happen makes me want to at least figure it out....am I crazy?

[annie24]

So, my personal experience was this: Last year, I had a male friend that I felt that "spark" with, and he asked me out on some "quasi-dates" but he never made a move. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, so I made a move on him. We dated for about 6 weeks, but it was horrible the entire time. We ended on bad terms and are no longer friends.

 

So... Looking back, I think if he were really interested, he would have made a move on me in the first place. We really didn't have any romantic chemistry, and we were just not good together. To top it off, we're no longer friends.

 

It's risky. If he were interested, and he sensed this "romantic tension" from you, maybe he would have already made a move. I would rather recommend spending some more time on him one on one (ie, ask him to fix something in your apartment, ask him to get coffee with you, ask him to walk you home late at night). Or, is there a museum you want to go to, or a sporting event you'd like him to accompany you? If he's interested, it will give him the chance to make a move.

 

Just because you kiss him and he kisses you back doesn't mean that he's interested in a relationship. Go slow, don't ruin the friendship. I think it's better to create the right "enviornment" to have him make a move on you, as opposed to forcing the move on him.

 

good luck

[erjacobsonster]

i think we all agree that you should break something and ask him to fix it for you. you could always do someting to your car. since most guys like to think they are really good with cars. just do someting like flood the engine. if it is carburated, just pump the gas several times then try to start it. it should just keep turning over, no spark. same thing if it is fuel injected (made within the last 15-20 years), do the same thing, except pump the gas peddal as you start it. just do something simple that he can't screw up. if he can't fix, then call a mechanic.

 

also, try goin to a movie together. those usally work. try holding his hand. start buy restin yours on his, if he doesn't move it away, then try to grab it to hold it. guys like it when the girl makes a move. at least i do.

 

hope this helps at least a little.

[Lola55]

The only problem is that I don't have my own car yet! I also don't live on my own (many housemates)...go to school away from him but he comes into town quite a bit. I will be going home shortly to be with my parents (also the place he is from) and I will see him then as well. However, breaking something of my parents and asking him to come fix it does not seem ideal! haha. I guess I will have to come up with something clever considering the situation I am in.

[annie24]

The key is to make him feel needed. Fine, you don't have a car, and you don't want to break your parent's coffee table. What are his talents? If he speaks Italian, ask him to help you write a christmas card to your 2nd cousin in Italy. That sort of thing. Don't come up with a lame reason - try to find something that you really need, and ask if he will help you with it.

[Lola55]

Ok I get what you mean......

here is the current situation though. The next time I will be seeing him is less than a week at a good friend's party. All of our friends will be there and I am already nervous about what to do. I know I have to be more forward with him, I am just gonna have to suck it up and do something already! I wish you could just snap your fingers and get it all over with!

I have not decided on a plan of action yet. All I know is that HEAVY flirting is needed......is this a good idea??