i really hurt myself.

[teacup]

the guy i like/liked? and his work friend. i went out with them both and they both found out. it blew up in my face. guy 1 doesnt want to see me anymore and guy 2 cant forgive me.

 

i called up both of them...i wanted to say sorry, i wanted to fix things but it got worse and worse. i made it worse, i wanted to make amends and the more i tried, the worse it got. the more i tried to fix it......the worse it was.

 

im hurting like crazy inside because i never meant for this to happen. i didnt want to hurt either one of them. i like one but i also kind of liked the other. though not as much as i really liked guy1 who i still think has a lot of problems. but they are both so pissed off.

 

im not a bad person. i dont have bad intentions but it is like im playing a game, a child's game. i need to grow up. and guy 1 told me he doesnt want to see me anymore or talk to me anymore because im damaging his friendship. guy 2 cant talk to me anymore....i dont want to contact him, i just want to say sorry.

 

we are all hurting. what can i do to help this? what can i do to get guy 1 to forgive me? what can i do? i keep wanting to call guy 1.....but he doesnt want to talk, he is so angry.

 

im such a mess. i do the stupidest things....i wish i could go back to a few weeks ago but it's too late.

 

but the thing is......i just dont trust guy1.....i try and i try but i just don't. i just.......don't. i pray that i end up with the one who is genuine, honest, sincere and who genuinely likes me.

[annie24]

oh my! I'm sorry about the mess!

 

From my perspective, you weren't doing anything wrong. Neither had asked you formally to be their girlfriend, right? I think it's ok to date multiple people as long as there is no official committment involved with anyone.

 

If you don't trust guy 1, then try your best to forget about him. Let your instincts be your guide. As for guy 2, maybe send him an e-mail saying, "I'm sorry if I did something that hurt you. I really like you and never meant to hurt you. However, we were not boyfriend/girlfriend, and we were both free to date other people."

 

Good luck - I hope it works out.

[Indirect]

Ok, I didn't quite get what happened and how you came out to both of them at the same time! Did you just blantly tell them on a separately occasions or were they together when you broke the news to them? Look, multiple dating can be viewed as shopping for the same product in the store. Well, people are not products and when you treat them as such, understandably, they wouldn't be too happy. You usually try to go into the relationship with the mind set that you are the only one. When that trust is violated, you can't expect them to be all jolly and happy about it. They probably think to themselves you played them... From your last comment, I really don't think you "MUST" be with either of them. There are other guys out there; start fresh.

[WildChild]

Well, you a were afraid this was going to happen Do you remember when you posted how you always pick the wrong guy? In this post you just said you want to talk to Guy 1 and not Guy 2 (you only wanted to apologize to him) but you then mention that you can't trust Guy 1. You also say you want the one "who i pray that i end up with the one who is genuine, honest, sincere and who genuinely likes me." and if I have kept this straight from your last posts, wasn't that Guy 2?

 

Teacup, IMHO I think you need to leave them both alone for now. Give them time and then approach whoever it is that you want of the two. During that time, I think you need to evaluate why you tend to choose the men who don't treat you the way you want to be treated

[Jadtt]

Teacup,

 

This situation is not your fault and these guys are being very immature in my opinion.

 

I think it is generally safe to say that if two people have just started dating, and have not discussed exclusivity with each other, then they are free to also see other people.

 

Do not let these men pawn off their feelings of rejection or insecurity on you and make YOU out to be the bad person in this situation. If they wanted exclusivity with you, then they should have been the ones to discuss that directly with you.

 

I would let the situation be for now, don't try and contact them and make anything "better". I personally do not believe you have done ANYTHING wrong in this situation, you should not be upset and feel horrible. What you should be upset with is the fact that they are toying with YOUR emotions in this manner.

[WildChild]

I hope I am not remembering wrong what the situation was with all of this. If memory serves me right, teacup wasn't honest with these two and that is where her concern was before today's post. Am I right teacup?

[teacup]

both of them think i played them. apparently they are good friends and hang out at work and outside of work. but i went on 5-6 dates with guy1 and only 2 dates with guy2. i wasn't planning on seeing guy2 again either (because i only saw him twice) but he was really nice to me and i really appreciated that. i just feel guy1 doesnt treat me right....and i cant shake the feeling.....am i just paranoid because of the abuse? he doesnt seem to ask me questions about myself.

 

they both found out from each other in the car. apparently they were talking about me and each had no idea. and i guess they pulled to the side and had a big blow up. guy1 being very angry and saying i played them.

 

guy1 told me that sometimes you dont have to talk about exclusivity, you just have a feeling and that usually ppl dont ask others to take std tests unless they are moving to something closer. i was like...huh? that's against all the dating advice i have gotten. he told me i need to talk to more ppl about dating. he said i wasnt honest because i asked him for honesty but i didnt tell him i was seeing other ppl. i just assumed that unless u have the talk that you are seeing others. and if he had ever asked, i would have said yes.

 

guy2 seems like he really cared. i feel real bad here because last thing i wanted to do was hurt somebody that was real. and the worst thing about the phone call was all i could talk about was guy 1 and how bad he treats me. HEH. still think guy 2 is a good guy.....i hope he understands that i really thought he was so nice.

 

i didnt mean to hurt anyone. i didnt think that the situation was so serious. i didnt think what i did was so bad. i thought that americans date inbetween friends all the time. but i must have made erroneous assumptions. guy 1 is really worried over his friendship with guy2. he doesnt seem to care about me. i guess cuz he's always known how crazy i am about him.

 

this situation makes me feel sick and sad and angry and worried and shaky.

 

funny thing is, i have this feeling that everything is going to be okay. at least right now i do.

 

so i should just back off from both of them right? im tired of this. i never meant any harm. i didnt think a few times mattered. i was wrong.

 

oh and guy 1 has 3 DUIs. not just one like i thought. he has to go to class. and he told me he was going to get his license back soon but i find out he still has 6 months. i mentioned to guy2 i thought his friend was an alcoholic and he was so nice and totally defended his friend. but i mean i see guy1 drink all the time and 3 DUIs??! guy2 said one time it was because guy1 had eaten a cough syrup and was driving on a suspended license. what the?

[Jadtt]

both of them think i played them. apparently they are good friends and hang out at work and outside of work. but i went on 5-6 dates with guy1 and only 2 dates with guy2. i wasn't planning on seeing guy2 again either (because i only saw him twice) but he was really nice to me and i really appreciated that. i just feel guy1 doesnt treat me right....and i cant shake the feeling.....am i just paranoid because of the abuse? he doesnt seem to ask me questions about myself.

 

My first question would be, did you know they were good friends? I think this is an important fact. Sometimes, there are people out there that get upset and a little territorial over the people they are dating, i.e. you don't date your ex's friend, or your best-friends ex, or a friend of someone you're dating, etc. I am usually careful in these situations myself because I don't want to step on anyone's toes, and the reason why they might be "assuming" you are "playing" them could be this particular reason.

 

they both found out from each other in the car. apparently they were talking about me and each had no idea. and i guess they pulled to the side and had a big blow up. guy1 being very angry and saying i played them.

 

Were punches thrown here? I think that guy1 is immediately assuming that your intentions from the beginning were to play them, and is most likely completely not even considering your thoughts or feelings on the subject. This happens a lot in relationships, I've done it and the people I've been involved with do it, it's a hard thing not to do sometimes, especially when you're feelings may be hurt and your emotions take control of all rational behavior.

 

guy1 told me that sometimes you dont have to talk about exclusivity, you just have a feeling and that usually ppl dont ask others to take std tests unless they are moving to something closer. i was like...huh? that's against all the dating advice i have gotten. he told me i need to talk to more ppl about dating. he said i wasnt honest because i asked him for honesty but i didnt tell him i was seeing other ppl. i just assumed that unless u have the talk that you are seeing others. and if he had ever asked, i would have said yes.

 

I think guy1 is right on this subject to a degree. You only went on 5-6 dates with him right? If so, then this is a casual dating relationship and I don't understand how one would immediately assume it is exclusive. I think the only situation that I would say I would assume a relationship is exclusive is maybe if we've been dating on a regular basis for about two months or so. In any case, most of the relationships I've been in, there has been an open and frank discussion on exclusivity, it has never been assumed. Taking the step in any relationship to move to the b/f g/f stage can be a big step for some people, and usually this step is discussed. You might not have a long drawn-out conversation about it, but it is addressed.

 

I will say to you that I 100% believe that this situation is a lack of communication on guy1's part, and a bad mistake of him "assuming" you were his exclusive girlfriend. I just don't think this is something to "assume" after 5-6 dates. And, quite honestly, I really think that he is playing an emotional game with you in the sense that he is trying to make you feel bad for your mature outlook in the relationship because his pride is destroyed by the fact you are dating someone he knows.

 

guy2 seems like he really cared. i feel real bad here because last thing i wanted to do was hurt somebody that was real. and the worst thing about the phone call was all i could talk about was guy 1 and how bad he treats me. HEH. still think guy 2 is a good guy.....i hope he understands that i really thought he was so nice.

 

I'm sure if you've communicated your feelings to guy2, then he will understand how you feel (or at least should make an effort). If guy1 treats you badly, scrap him...he is obviously not worth your time, especially in light of his reaction to this situation.

 

i didnt mean to hurt anyone. i didnt think that the situation was so serious. i didnt think what i did was so bad. i thought that americans date inbetween friends all the time. but i must have made erroneous assumptions. guy 1 is really worried over his friendship with guy2. he doesnt seem to care about me. i guess cuz he's always known how crazy i am about him.

 

Teacup, I don't think this situation is as bad as these two men are making it out to be. If they didn't know eachother, I'm sure their reactions would have been more rational. I just really believe that they are reacting this way specifically because they know each other.

 

Furthermore, I do not believe you have anything to feel bad about nor should you feel like you hurt anyone. Your life and who you chose to date is YOUR business, it is not THEIR business, and it is not something to broadcast either. If they ask the question upfront, like they should, and you're honest, then that's all you have to worry about....being honest when the situation is addressed.

 

Also, these guys need to grow up I think and stop blowing this situation out of proportion. I'm sorry, but there weren't very many dates here, there wasn't any exclusivity and they need to work out their own jealous issues between themselves and not with you. Honestly, if they are truly good people, they will not let this situation destroy their friendship. And, if they do....it is THEIR fault and not YOUR fault.

 

this situation makes me feel sick and sad and angry and worried and shaky.

 

funny thing is, i have this feeling that everything is going to be okay. at least right now i do.

 

so i should just back off from both of them right? im tired of this. i never meant any harm. i didnt think a few times mattered. i was wrong.

 

I do not think that you should feel bad about yourself right now. Stay true to yourself and make yourself happy. Understand that each of these guys have their own lives, and the way they chose to handle this situation will show not only their character, but it will also show their level of maturity as well.

 

For now, I would back off and let the fire die down. If they both like you, they will find a way to reconnect with you. If they do not, then recognize it was not meant to be and move on. I believe that there are three reasons people come into your life:

 

• The first reason is people come into your life for friendship, both of you recognize that there is much support and happiness you can have by being friends.
  
• The second reason a person comes into your life is for marriage, it is the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with
  
• The third reason is that a person enters your life (and exits your life) for a particular reason, and that reason is to teach you something about yourself, life or dating in general.

Whether this sounds hokey to you or not, it is something that I believe. There is much to be learned from relationships with people, take this as a learning experience, learn how people's reactions can really destroy something that might have been great, and if they would have reacted differently...then things might have turned out differently. 90% of life is how you REACT to it.

[teacup]

thanks jadtt. you always have the nicest things to say to me and all of it makes a lot of sense to me. thanks so much.....

[Jadtt]

thanks jadtt. you always have the nicest things to say to me and all of it makes a lot of sense to me. thanks so much.....

 

Anytime chicka, thanks...we're all here to help each other. And, if you ever need to talk, you have my email address. Keep your chin up, and don't let these two guys tear away at your sense of self or self-esteem...no person is worth sacrificing a part of yourself.

 

 

[teacup]

im pretty confused. did i do something wrong? i mean, i ended up feeling guilty and apologizing because they were both so angry. but what i wanted to do was to pick the right person for me, regardless of whether they were friends or not. well, i knew they were friends but i didnt know how good of friends. (turns out their pretty close heh.)

 

and i wanted to pick the guy that would be really good to me. (that's very important to me) i may have inadvertently stepped on toes but to just rail at me and to assume that im a player and a bad person is unfair.

 

and did guy1 really assume i was already his? i told him i wanted honesty. which is true, if he had ever asked me, i would have said yes i am. he said i was dishonest. but the way i operated was......this is dating and i assume that both sides may be seeing others until we have a talk about being exclusive. he says that sometimes you just know from feelings and such. how am i supposed to know how he feels??

 

and he said that unless we have mentioned that we are seeing other ppl, then we're not. otherwise if it were the other way around, he said he would have to ask me every day "are you seeing someone else? are you seeing someone else?" isn't that backwards from what i've heard before?? i feel like he is just twisting the situation to suit him.

 

and he said that you just know because only in exclusive relationships do ppl get physically intimate. and that if their just dating around...they dont get physically intimate.

 

either way i am confused as hell.

 

im pretty sick of it all.

[annie24]

and he said that you just know because only in exclusive relationships do ppl get physically intimate. and that if their just dating around...they dont get physically intimate.

 

Wow - he is such a liar!!! I'm sure that he knows at least 10 friends who have had a one night stand. His statement is not true at all.

 

Jadtt - I really like your post!!!

 

teacup - I don't think you did anything wrong, so don't blame yourself, ok? Dating is about going out with different people, getting to know them. Then, if you start to like one person better than another, you ask them to be in an exclusive relationship with you.

 

No, it is not "implied" if you have been on 5 dates with someone that you are exclusive. Nothing is "implied" about the status of the relationship. Neither of you are mindreaders. You're not a mindreader!

 

Didn't you say that he didn't want to spend time with you around thanksgiving? And that he doesn't call you very often? That doesn't sound to me that he's treating you like a girlfriend right there.

 

I think that he's just turning things around on you. He sounds really immature. Forget them both. You deserve better treatment

[lovecrazy]

OK here is the thing it sounds like both of them liked you! And there egos/pride hurt. You might need to just tell them that you are sorry, but you werent in a serious relationship with either of them.

 

The only thing you can do is tell them that you are sorry and leave it at that!

Now since you said that you dont trust Guy1 then dont date him. Go for the second guy, and just tell him that you are sorry, but you didnt think he would get so mad about it! Tell him if you two were just dating/seeing each other, and that he went out with another girl, you wouldnt treat him like he is treating you!

 

Just try and talk to him, and if he wont listen then just leave it at that!

People make mistakes!

[teacup]

another thing. i told guy 1 that guy 2 had asked me to hang out. guy1 didnt say anything so i assumed that he didnt care that much.

 

i told guy2 i was seeing someone and had seen him a few times. i just didnt tell him the name.

 

i thought i was open and honest and fair enough. but i get all the blame for this. i dont get it. they just assume i am playing.

 

obviously i value being treated well very highly and i knew guy2 would treat me well so that made him attractive to me. it's easy to find a guy to treat me like crap but it's pretty hard to find a guy who treats me golden. now guy1, i obviously have concerns about some of the things he says and does that makes me balk and wonder what loyalty i have to him. obviously, if he really liked me, he would be really good to me. and since he wasnt bad but he wasn't particularly good or nice, i assumed he must not like me that much.

 

i hate how men will blame women for doing something like this but never examine their own actions, behavior or words that would lead to this. isnt it great how they just pin me with it and interpret it in a way to put it all on me?

[annie24]

It is soooooooo not your fault!!! I think that you told them both your dating situation, so you did your part - even more than your part! Neither had asked you to be their gf, after all. I guess when they realized in the car that they were friends that were both dating you, things blew up. Again, that's not your fault! Forget them both!

[teacup]

wahh. im missing him.

[novaseeker]

I dont think you did anythng wrong here. Nothing was exclusive either way. It wasn't reasonable for him to assume you were exclusive after 5 or 6 dates for goodness sake.

 

But ... take care when dating two folks who are friends with each other at the same time. That's pretty risky business. Not that it's wrong, but to be honest it will create problems. I can't honestly imagine being comfortable dating a woman when my friend was also dating her at the same time. That would cause tension between me and my friend, if we both decided we liked the woman.

[DN]

I would like to ask the people who think these guys are wrong and immature if they would feel the same way if they found out they were dating someone who was also seeing one of their friends and that this was being kept secret.

 

If there is nothing wrong with the concept why keep it a secret?

 

I suspect that may be the reason these guys are both upset - they feel played and for them at least, perception is reality.

 

It is of limited use telling teacup she did nothing wrong. That may ease her conscience, but if she still wants to see either of these guys it is unlikely to help her get what she wants.

 

teacup, I think you should decide what you want, or at least, who you want. If you want neither of them, then you can continue to feel you did nothing wrong and move on with your life.

 

But if you want one of these guys, then I think you have some fence-mending to do. Probably with both of them since they are friends.

[annie24]

another thing. i told guy 1 that guy 2 had asked me to hang out. guy1 didnt say anything so i assumed that he didnt care that much.

 

i told guy2 i was seeing someone and had seen him a few times. i just didnt tell him the name.

 

i thought i was open and honest and fair enough. but i get all the blame for this. i dont get it. they just assume i am playing.

 

But DN - teacup told them both! Well, she didn't tell guy2 that the other guy she was seeing was his friend.

[Jadtt]

I don't think Teacup did anything wrong here in terms of her assumptions regarding exclusivity, I do not believe she was playing either of these men. Yes, of course you can say that their reaction was spawned by their pride being destroyed because they were both friends. But, the truth of the matter is that this is the dating world, neither one asked Teacup to be their exclusive girlfriend...period.

 

As indicated in my prior post, Teacup can most certainly take this experience and learn from it in the sense that it probably isn't the best idea to date two friends. At the same time, these men do need to learn how to control their reactions, they are reacting using their pride and ego. I am quite sure their reactions could have been more tame.

 

I'm sorry, but a similar situation has happened to me before, my ex started dating my "acquaintance" immediately after we broke up. I didn't like it, but I did control my reaction about the situation, which is what BOTH of these men could have done.

 

Let's me put it in more defined terms...they are both adults, and they do not have to behave like high-school boys fighting over the prom queen.

 

Teacup...chose who you want and what you want, but do not feel bad for being in this situation. Your intentions were true and you were honest, you had no ties to either of these men and that is the bottom line. The only issue is that they were friends, if they were strangers it would have been a different story and they most likely would have reacted differently. But, you cannot change the past and they need to learn how to move forward.

[novaseeker]

Yes, but ... imo it is a bad idea to date two people who are friends simultaneously. Whatever you want to say about maturity and all that, it leads to problems no matter what the maturity level. It's just not nice to know that your friend is also dating someone that you're interested in .. plain and simple. My guess is that if both guys knew the situation, guy2 may not have dated teacup out of respect for his friend, guy1 ... but in any case he would have known what he was doing. That's the only mistake that was made here imo.

[DN]

There are no 'rules' in these situations. teacup is entitled to do as she pleases and date whom she pleases under whatever personal 'rules' she chooses. But if the person she is interested in has different 'rules' she is should not expect that person to conform to her 'rules' any more than she should conform to his.

 

I don't believe these guys are wrong any more than teacup is wrong. They happen to share the same 'rule' in this case - they don't want to be with a woman who would secretly date one of their friends. That is not immature or unreasonable - it is just what they believe.

 

They are not 'fighting' over the prom queen at all - they are making a decision to walk away from the prom queen because she has different standards of dating behaviour than they do.

 

Are they angry - apparently so. But no more than teacup is.

[annie24]

Oh yeah, I wouldn't date two people who were friends either, because eventually, they're going to find out and it will cause a strain on everyone, just like what happened here.

 

are they really friends though, or just acquaintances?

[teacup]

yes. i know i did something wrong. i think i did. it's wrong to date two people who are friends. but i also think i have been unfairly punished.

 

i just remembered. guy2, when i was working at the same company, he was the first person i met there. he used to stare at me with his eyes everytime i saw him and flirt with me and put wrestling moves on me. i was intrigued by him, he didnt seem that old and i wondered what it would be like to go out with him. he asked me questions near the coffee machine, was i the type who would expect her bf to buy her lots of expensive things etc. so i was curious then. but he never asked me out.

 

then guy1 i used to talk to him at the company and he was nice but because he was so much older i never thought of him that way. guy1 ended up being the one i emailed when i was leaving the place and he asked me to hang out. i saw him once and then didnt see him for a few weeks when i saw him mabe another time and then another.

 

then i had emailed guy2 who asked me to hang out. (and i had told this to guy1 who hadnt reacted) so since i had only been out with guy1 mabe...two? three? times by that time......i accepted. and it was only on this first date with guy2 that i learned they were good friends. i mean to them it might seem obvious that they are really good friends but i didnt know before at the company at all. and i learned pretty much on the first date.

 

i shouldn't have accepted a second date with guy2 because then guy1 and i were getting more serious (this was after 5-6 dates) but i figured hell, twice won't hurt. and it is only through this that i understand they are good friends.

 

and it hurts but logic wont do any good when emotions run high. i got cruxified for this. would it do any good to even mention this?

[Jadtt]

Ok, it sounds like these guys are more work acquaintances then friends, am I right to assume this?

 

In any case, yes...it is a slippery slope to date two people that know each other...as I stated in my original post, I avoid these situations for many many reasons.

 

And yes, you cannot expect someone you're dating to conform to your rules, but I get the sense that in the beginning, you were not aware of the fact that dating two friends would cause any issues. So, now you know...and you must learn from this and apply that knowledge to your future situations.

 

We can all sit here and defend both sides and keep on defending both sides in this post. But, the truth of the matter is this:

 

These guys are chosing their reactions right now. And, even though it might hurt them because they are both dating the same girl, the fact is that there was no exclusivity. They can both chose to take the higher road and not get so emotionally bent out of shape over a girl that neither one has formed a committment to. They can chose to let go of their pride for just a second and deal with this situation. I know this might sound harsh, but they have the CHOICE on how to handle it. And they can chose to still be angry or they can chose to listen to Teacup and where she was coming from. I am not saying that they have to be happy with her side of it, but they can chose to try and understand.

 

I will hold firm in my stance and say that does boil down to their level of maturity in this situation and their willingness to let go of their pride and ego. Is it really worth it to cause this much drama between themselves for an issue such as this? An issue of casual dating where there is no exclusivity nor commitment? I'm sorry, but I've been in the same situation before, and I was not about ready to let the guy come between me and my friend. Even if it is an unwritten dating code, no one comes between me and my friends, I will not let them.