Should I give up or not?

[puzzled76]

I'm trying to decide whether or not to give up on my relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have had communication problems for a while and it got to the point that I didn't feel he loved me at all. We have a long distant relationship. Anway, he only visited me once since I moved and I was tired of him not taking me seriously. So I began the process of distancing myself from him in my mind until I could get to a point that I could break up with him. I told him that I was opening myself up to other men. He didn't say anything, which I took to mean that he didn't really care.

 

Well one day I went to a club and met a guy and then I told my ex boyfriend that I met this other person. I think it was then that he really understood that we were over. But he wasn't prepared. I didn't know what to do because I was reluctant to break up with him but knew that our relationship was not working. So I stuck with my decision and dated this new guy for a month and a half. The whole time I was dating him, I kept thinking of my ex-boyfriend and feeling sick that I left him. I finally left the guy I was dating and asked my ex if he wanted to get back together because I missed him and I had no idea that he loved me that much. Well he did take me back, but it's been a very bumpy ride.

 

Now we are at the point where he just can't forgive me. He wanted me back but doesn't think he can forgive me for sleeping with this guy I dated for a month and a half. I understand that I hurt him, I really do. I don't take it lightly and I've told him time after time that I am truly sorry that I hurt him. But nothing seems to work. I'm just wondering if this relationship is doomed.

 

Is it possible for a guy to forgive his girlfriend for sleeping with another guy while they were broken up? I know he wants to, but doesn't think he can get the image of me sleeping with someone else out of his mind.

 

[melrich]

Is it possible for a guy to forgive his girlfriend for sleeping with another guy while they were broken up?

 

Is it about forgiveness? If you were broken up you are both free to pursue others. You did nothing wrong by him.

 

If he can't get over the fact that you slept with someone else then he can't get over it. It's not something you need to feel guilty about or should expect his forgiveness for.

 

He can't change the past, he either accepts it or he moves on.

[RayKay]

 

Now we are at the point where he just can't forgive me. He wanted me back but doesn't think he can't forgive me for sleeping with this guy I dated for a month and a half. I understand that I hurt him, I really do. I don't take it lightly and I've told him time after time that I am truly sorry that I hurt him. But nothing seems to work. I'm just wondering if this relationship is doomed.

 

Is it possible for a guy to forgive his girlfriend for sleeping with another guy while they were broken up? I know he wants to, but doesn't think he can get the image of me sleeping with someone else out of his mind.

 

 

Well the truth is, it's more about accepting and leaving it in the past then forgiveness, in my opinion. You two were BROKEN UP, you were no longer in a committed exclusive relationship and were both free to do as you wish. It's not something you should be wallowing in guilt over, how were you to even know then that things would happen again with you, how were you to know what would happen at all in the future? You were out of the relationship, and moving forward.

 

I agree, that if he and you cannot move on from this and he cannot accept it as past now, and part of the deal when he took you back, you will find that you are going to have a lot of problems, and difficulty. Especially if it is something brought up repeatedly.

 

How to get it out of his head, well, I am not sure he will just wake up with it gone, it's a process. You have said you are sorry it hurt him, there is not else much you can do at this point, really is there? It's his choice now whether to move on from it, or to keep it festering and obsessing over it. Be compassionate, but don't end up in a cycle where you are continously apologizing over and over for this, when you have already said you were sorry it hurt thim. It won't make it better, and will only make you feel lower and lower as time goes on. Don't let him also use this as a scarlet letter on you either for all arguments.

 

Be compassionate that he is hurt, but also realize it is now in his hands to accept it. If he can't, it is maybe best you both move on to prevent more hurt of each other at this point. Only you two can decide though.

 

Have you two considered perhaps counselling?

[puzzled76]

His main point is that he felt that I didn't break up with him properly. He said it wasn't clearly defined so to him this felt like I cheated on him. I'm just amazed how off we were and still are when it comes to communicating.

 

I think both of you have made good points. It's really about whether he can let the past stay in the past and learn to move forward. I like the analogy about the scarlet letter because he does bring this up everytime we have an argument about anything. I'm really trying to be understanding, but I know sometimes he is taking advantage of this situation and trying to make me feel bad whenever we have a disagreement.

 

It's really my fault though because I am letting him do this to me. I find myself again at this point where I am reluctantly looking at breaking up with him. I hate that he puts me in the position. I love him and I don't want to break up with him, but I feel he gives me no choice. This time I won't make the silly mistake of coming back though. He always throws this in my face, that I came back to him. As if it were the worst thing in the world.

 

If I do break up with him, i'll be on these boards a whole lot more because I am going to need a lot of support especially when we have no contact with each other. That is going to be so hard to do. I will miss his friendship so much.

[Trax]

I think what you should do is talk to him first and tell him exactly what you've said here. I can see why he'd feel this way especially if you were off meeting other guys when you were still together. He obviously is having trust issues here and feels that if you left once for someone else it could happen again. But like I said talk to him, let him know how you feel...ask him if he can let the past be the past. It may take some time for him to get over this. Its not going to happen overnight.

[RayKay]

I think both of you have made good points. It's really about whether he can let the past stay in the past and learn to move forward. I like the analogy about the scarlet letter because he does bring this up everytime we have an argument about anything. I'm really trying to be understanding, but I know sometimes he is taking advantage of this situation and trying to make me feel bad whenever we have a disagreement.

That's just bad relationship conflict skills, when having a disagreement, you should concentrate on the argument at hand. He does throw that in there to maintain a power position in conflict. When he does this, say calmly and firmly "I understand this is an issue that still bothers you, however we are not discussing that at this time. How about we discuss what is currently going on first and move to that later if you want to talk about it".

 

If you feel he is going to keep using it against you though, and never going to move on, you need to decide if you can live in this situation. And throwing the "you came back" in his face...it's like he is excusing his behaviour as it is punishment for you leaving at all.

 

To me it sounds like you were clear with the breakup, did you talk to him when you were broken up ever? Unless he just preferred to ignore it, it sounds like you were clear to me.

 

Is he treating you any better then he was before you broke up, honestly? If not, maybe it is time to just leave for good.....you really CAN do better then that! You tried to work out for a while with him it sounds like with no improvement....and one you were gone, he wanted what he could not have. If he has not made any true changes in his treatment of you, really asess whether this relationship is right for you.

[RayKay]

I think what you should do is talk to him first and tell him exactly what you've said here. I can see why he'd feel this way especially if you were off meeting other guys when you were still together. He obviously is having trust issues here and feels that if you left once for someone else it could happen again. But like I said talk to him, let him know how you feel...ask him if he can let the past be the past. It may take some time for him to get over this. Its not going to happen overnight.

 

 

She did not leave him for "someone else". She left as he was treating her poorly, and he did not "get it" that it was a breakup. They were broken up.