Relationship off to a great start then she goes back to her ex-?(Long)

[RayKay]

Rescue,

 

Best of luck to you and Jennifer, I hope the very best for you both!

 

Cheers to lots of love, happiness, respect, faith.....and strength together!

 

RayKay

[eosesd]

Dear Rescuer,

I am currently involved in the exact same issue - right down to my boyfriend being in the middle of a divorce, then dumped by his girlfriend and then rebounding to me - then dumping me because he went back to her.

I'd be curious to hear how things are going for you - 9 months after getting back together. Also looking for some advice....

[RescueDiver]

Dear Rescuer,

I am currently involved in the exact same issue - right down to my boyfriend being in the middle of a divorce, then dumped by his girlfriend and then rebounding to me - then dumping me because he went back to her.

I'd be curious to hear how things are going for you - 9 months after getting back together. Also looking for some advice....

 

Well Eosesd first I'd like to say I am very sorry to hear that you are going through a similar situation. And before any further let me just mention that what happened with me is certainly the exception and not the rule. That being said Jennifer and I are not only still together, we are married and have a little one on the way (due in less than a month). Remember how you always hear that birth control isn't 100%? Well, ding! Our child is living proof. Anyway, we're not sweating it since we've been over the issue and we both feel that there's a plan at work and we're not going to sit here and question that plan.

 

So, we ended up finding out back in March (just before a wonderful and romantic trip to a couples only resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic). It didn't really change anything, it just moved the time-table up a year or so. Jennifer and I are both 32 so it's not like we're in high school or college and we both have successful careers. An aside to that is that I recently passed all the qualification tests to be promoted from Firefighter to Apparatus Engineer (driver). In June we flew off to Newport News, VA and got married with her father and step mother and my best friend and his wife in attendance (my parents couldn't make the trip as they couldn't afford it and my dad just started a new job and couldn't really take vacation so soon). We actually had planned on going somewhere like Bora Bora but since we'd just gone to the Dominican, we figured we'd just keep it simple.

 

Other than that things have been going really well (relationship and pregnancy)-wise. Yes, there are times when I kinda wonder about what I did, if I really did rush into something when maybe I shouldn't have... but then I step back and remember how wonderful Jennifer is and how much she really embodies pretty much everything I was ever looking for. So I really have no complaints. Yes, there are misunderstandings and arguments but we never really stay mad at each other for long.

 

As for your situation, well, I don't want to give you false hope since no two situations are 100% alike. But if you'd like to elaborate on your circumstances, I'd be happy to share any advice I had.

[eosesd]

Thanks for the update. That is quite a wonderful story - I enjoy happy endings.

As far as my story, I am separated from my husband of 20 years (long story - he suffers from bipolar & I'm just too worn down to handle it any more) and was very much in need of some support during this time. I'm a PhD with an incredible income (so I need no man to support me), outgoing, friendly, fun to be around and men tell me that I'm extremely attractive (although not feeling that way lately with this rejection). Around this same time I get a call from a friend who I had not seen in a few months telling me he was down in the dumps and needed to talk. He had filed for divorce, had to move (now lives closer to me), has issues at his work, blah blah blah. So I meet him for lunch. I had always liked this man and one thing led to another and I end up dating him (I never cheated on my husband while we were married). Things are pretty good and I'm happy again - first time in about 15 years. I'm getting much needed attention, support during my divorce and I'm having fun. Then I find out from this man that he had left his wife last year - but had started seeing another woman immediately therafter. They were reportedly hot and heavy in love and all of the sudden she dumps him. He said he was crushed and devastated. Hit rock bottom. From what I hear, however, this woman is almost identical to his soon-to-be ex-wife. Controlling, nasty & self centered. He agrees she is all this, but still is crushed. I ask him if he has spoken to her and he tells me that initially she would not take any of his calls. But now he speaks to her a "few times" each month (it's only been about 2-3 months since they split). I ask him if he would ever go back to her and he vehemently denies this - telling me that he would never want to be hurt like that again.

Then you probably know the ending....things are great between us (we never once fought) and out of the blue he calls to tell me that he can't see me anymore - except as friends. He blames it on my marriage - doesn't want him to be the reason I left my husband (it wasn't - the marriage was over already & we have been separated for more than 15 months). I know there is something else going on but accept his explanation and then, of course, break down. I go into this deep depression. I called him a week later and he agrees to meet me for dinner - just as friends. We end up staying at the restaurant till they close - laughing as we used to. I never once bring up the relationshi between he and I or his ex. He kisses me good night and then I hear nothing from him again. A week later I invite him to a baseball game - just as friends. Again, he accepts but treats me just as a friend. This is killing me but I pretend it is fine and we talk as if nothing is wrong. Then when he drops me off that night I ask him straight out if he is back with his ex girlfriend (the one that dumped him). He tells me that they had lunch and are talking again (in other words, they are dating hot and heavy). I am crushed - but tell him I wish him well. He calls me a few days later to say hello (I had surgery that day) and see how I am doing. I ask if he can help me out and bring me to a dr appt the following week (he had earlier offered) and he says he'll "see" if he can & let me know. 3 days go by and nothing. Then he calls me right before my appt to tell me he's busy - can't help me out - and apologizes. I am upset and tell him I got to go. He wishes me well and says he'll call again. It's been 2 days and nothing. Before the "break" he was calling me up to 3-4 times per day. I'm devasted that he left me for this other woman. None of us are teenagers - we're all in our 40's and have been around to know better. But now I feel like I was the rebound and although we were great together, he chose her over me. I know that he wants her because he thought she didn't want him - and he knows how deeply I care about him (I'm a sure thing in his mind), so he wants what he can't have. But now he has her - will it last? Will she dump him again? Will he ever want to be with me again? Am I wasting my time? I feel horrible. I have tried not to call him since we spoke a few days ago. Is this what I should do? No contact? And is that what gets them to recognize they miss us? I don't want to keep calling him - only to have him ignore my calls (which he did). That makes me feel even worse. And I know he is ignoring my calls because he is either with her or doesn't want to talk to me. But then why does he call me out of the blue? How do I handle this? I would truly love to be back wth him again. What should I do??

[RescueDiver]

I have a few other questions before I can really launch into too much of anything. So you knew this guy as a friend before you started dating... how long did you know him prior to dating, how well did you know him, etc... and how long went by between him breaking up with this other gal and him going out with you? It might be irrelevant, but I like having a feel for the timing of things.

[eosesd]

Thanks for writing back. I'm sure there is lots of better things you could be doing than trying to help me. So I appreciate this...

As far as how long I knew him - approx 1-2 years before we began actually dating. We sat near each other at work (I no longer work there) and even after I left the company we still met for an occasional lunch. I wouldn't say we were best of friends, but we knew each other well enough to have a good time together and ask for each other's advice. With regard to how long after his breakup with his ex, I don't really know. But I believe he began seeing her in Jan of this year (2006) and they split probably 4-5 months later. So this was not a long relationship - just very intense from what he tells me. Then I suspect he called me within a month or so of her dumping him. We then got together in June (many times) and this went on until July when we actually started dating. In early September is when we split up. So we were only together for a few months before he went back to her. But we have been friends for years. I'm really down right now over this. I know I shouldn't want him back, but I do. You did what others told you not to do and it worked out for everyone. I know this man is better off with me rather than his ex. But obviously he doesn't see this now. What should I be doing/not doing?

[RescueDiver]

Yeah, I feel for you Eosesd... What should you be doing? Well, that's tough because as I mentioned before, what happened to me certainly was an exception to the rule. Most people out there are going to say "grieve the relationship and move on". Which really is good advice.

 

Intense relationships are very attractive, but often it seems that they simply do not last. Now, will their relationship last? Probably not, based on what you said about her being so similar to his ex-wife. However, bear in mind that how long it takes before it falls apart again is completely unpredictable. I don't believe for a minute that his underlying reason is that he doesn't want to be the reason you left your husband, and personally being that you were separated for so long, I don't see how he could even legitamately say that. When you have a relationship like the one he had and you get tossed out of it... you want it back. Just like you want the relationship you had with him back. He may have thought he was indeed over her when you asked him if he'd go back to her. But it's another thing entirely when that carrot is dangled right out in front of your face. I myself have been caught by that too. Gone back to people I thought I'd never go back to because they hurt me so bad.

 

You are wrong about knowing you shouldn't want him back. Actually you have every reason to want him back. You know (and you are probably right) that you are better for him than she is, but he is the one that needs to come to that realization and there is really very little you can do to convince him of that. What I've found is that a relationship... once it's left, is never the same when you go back to it. That can be true for his relationship with her, as well as your relationship with him if things were to go that way.

 

So, having said that, the first thing you need to do is sit down and do some very serious soul-searching. You need to know that you can put this aside if the two of you get back together, otherwise it will completely poison any rekindled relationship. Secondly, keep the lines of communication open. Don't pester him, don't burn any bridges, don't go out of your way to avoid his calls or try to make him jealous because there's no guarantee that it'll work. Next, just do what you can to mourn the relationship and move on. The process will be much slower for you if you nurse hopes of getting him back. So just be prepared for a much longer haul. With Jennifer, there were signs that things were not all hunky dory with their relationship after getting back together. There were setbacks, and there were victories. The other thing to keep in mind, is you have to know when to throw in the towel. If he is one of those guys that's doomed to keep repeating his mistakes or unconsciously needs the controlling, nasty, self-centered sorts of women... there won't be anything you can do but find someone else and it'll be hard to know that for sure because he can still complain about it and need/want it at the same time.

 

Finally with Jennifer and I, even though we both said we'd like to still be friends, talk, and eventually maybe do things together just as friends... I think we both knew that would never work. Jennifer knew that if she saw me again, she might do something she would regret (i.e. cheat). It was also evident that the more we talked, the more she wanted to talk to me and the more she missed me. So, I guess, be careful about doing things "just as friends" because that is going to torment you. Yes, it's wonderful to be in his presense, but it's going to give you a false sense of hope and it will get frustrating after a while. The other thing, is that it may be giving him his cake and letting him eat it too. If he is allowed the convenience of being able to see you when *he* wants... he'll never grow to miss you. So I would start with that and it will be hard... make no mistake. But just nix the friendly outings for now and see what happens.

[eosesd]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am going to try (hard) to take your advice. This will be difficult. But I will talk to him if he calls, but cut out the "outings". I agree that he is having his cake and eating it too. But saying that and really acting on it is difficult when you just want to be with that person and miss them terribly. If you don't mind, I'd like to keep you posted - and possibly get some additional advice as hurdles come along. Would you prefer I post or email you? Thank you again.

[RescueDiver]

Well do what you can, it definitely won't be easy. If you want to post that is fine, it might help others that are in similar situations. Or private messages are fine too if you need to give details that you'd rather not share publicly.

[thomask]

RescueDiver, that was a tremendous story. I was thinking you should have been more bold, but I guess in that situation it was only a matter of time. Now that I think about it, you were bold with the big e-mail and rather assertive. Anyway, I'm glad things worked out for you, quite a motivational story.

 

Thank you eosesd for posting a reply, enabling me to see this thread. Wish I had some advice for you. All I know is that while people like to be pursued/adored, they also want what they can't have. You sound like an amazing person, someone that this guy doesn't deserve. Maybe if he realized that, he wouldn't be so stupid.

[eosesd]

I sent my ex an email letting him know that while I value the friendship we once had, now that he has gone back to his ex - our friendship is not possible. And I am not willing to play seconds to anyone. I was not mean - in fact I was quite nice , as I always am - but firm. I told him that I do not intend on being in contact with him any more. I sent that email on Sunday. It is now Wed and no response from him. I suspect he is just plain happy to be with his ex and perhaps relieved that he won't hear from me again. How sad. I should feel better now - but I feel worse.

Do you think he will ever try to contact me? If so, what should I do? Remember, deep down I still want to be with him. Did I screw up? Should I have said nothing? Did I just eliminate any chance of seeing him again? Am I crazy?

[RescueDiver]

Relax, you did nothing wrong. Things will play out the way they will play out and there's really no way to predict that. You did the right thing telling him how you feel. The friends only thing would simply have continued to tear at you. If he chooses to not initiate contact anymore, then that will be his loss. For now, just try your best to let yourself heal.

[eosesd]

Rescue-

Tonight I went out to a local restaurant to watch a football game with a friend of mine (male). During dinner someone tapped me on the shoulder and said something. I looked up and it was my ex. He smiled and walked away. He then went to a table next to mine and sat down with his ex (the one he went back to). He sat on her side of the table - right next to her- just as he had done with me. She didn't see him talk to me. I never saw her face but she looked almost identical to me - tall, thin, blonde. He didn't do much talking. But she was all over him. And kissing him - he kissed her back. He couldn't see me behind him, but I could see him. I felt sick to my stomache and my head began pounding. I got so sick I had to leave - without him seeing me leave. I didn't want to give him the pleasure. Of all the gin joints in the world..

They looked happy together. I'm back now to square one. Depressed even more than before. I wish I had not been there or seen that. Whay would he act like that with her - having me sitting right behind him? I never hurt him. Why would he do that to me?

[RescueDiver]

I feel really terrible for you eosesd. That is a terrible experience you went through there and I can tell you, had I been in your shoes I would have reacted similarly... getting sick and all. I doubt that he was intentionally trying to hurt you... more likely he didn't want it to seem like he was avoiding you. Or, he may have mistakenly thought that you were over him because you were out with some other guy. Either way it really doesn't matter. All I can say is do what you can to mourn losing him and move on. I'm not really sure he will come back to you. I'm not saying it can't happen, but you may miss out on some really wonderful opportunities waiting for her to remember why she dumped him (or for him to realize that she's not the catch he thought she was).

 

I posted another thread with you in mind about one of my past relationships. It was a relationship where I dated a girl for three months and then she broke it off and went back to her ex-. Unfortunately (at the time) things didn't go the way they did with my story in this thread. Things went terribly terribly wrong and it's one reason I told you that my success with Jennifer truly was the exception and not the rule. I would hate to see something similar happen to you.

 

 

 

I know one of the things that scared me the most was what if I start dating someone new and the old person comes back... what will I do? Well, I consider myself fortunate that I never really had to make that decision. With the exception of Jennifer and Marissa (the woman the new thread is about) my ex's have never come back. I like to think that I would give the new person a serious chance, but there is so much that factors into that... who broke up with who, why, how much I loved them, etc... With Marissa, there was a long period of time (months) that I worried that if I dated someone else and she came back, that I wouldn't be strong enough to refuse her. Obviously this guy had that same weakness with his ex and wasn't strong enough to resist it.

 

Do what you can to heal, and don't waste your life waiting for someone... know when to say enough is enough.