The truth about getting back together...

[TheLostBird]

xxxxxxxxxxx

[Dregnought]

Interesting find there. Any other tips?

[brahman]

yeah really sucks. that hits so close to home dude. i never posted that thought, but man that same idea floated around in my head for a while.

[Hawk]

Interesting post and thanks - you probably have saved me from doing something stupid this weekend about trying to find out who she is now seeing - at best it does nothing in terms of showing her that I am getting on with my life - at worst it would have made me look like a crazy stalker!

[BONO]

The Lostbird,

Where can I find the info that you researched ??

 

Thanks

[kellbell]

Hello,

 

Well, the more you contact someone who dumped you, the more uncomfortable he or she gets and more guilt he or she feels. So, in saying that, it pushes the person further and further away.

 

One thing I noticed being these boards is that the dumpee feels that it is so easy for the dumper to leave, how can he or she move on so fast, he or she doesn't respect me, etc, etc, etc... Well, there is no joy in breaking up with someone, there is a lot of guilt that comes along with it, the person agonizes for weeks or months, maybe even years over whether he or she is making a mistake or the thought of hurting their partner is awlful. But what would you rather have, the person stay with you out of pity or guilt, string you along and keep up a facade, thus making you look like a fool even more, or would you want your partner to be honest with you and be upfront? Let me tell you, it is agonizing being with someone you don't love anymore, let alone haivng a sexual relationship with. It's like pushing a square peg into a round hole, it hurts like heck too because the person wants to be happy and be with someone he or she connects with on all levels. Why stay in a relationship one is totally unhappy with? Feelings change, people change, it's no one's fault, it just happens.

 

So in saying all that, when the dumpee calls, begs, texts, emails, writes letters, send gifts...it's alwful, the guilt and sadness over the break-up is very overwhelming for the dumper. And it's, I hate to say it folks, repulsive. So those feelings of guilt and getting into the person's grill and space makes the person pull further and further away. Plus, the dumper cannot respect the person when the act like that. People are naturally attracted to strong, confident, and respectable people.

 

That's why NC is so important. It gives the dumper time to breathe, reflect, and figure things out. The same for the dunpee too. You can't be missed until you go away. I know it hurts like heck to get dumped, but the person is doing the dumping is hurting too but for different reasons. But the difference is that the dumper had time to prepare for the break-up, hence the reason why he or she moves on faster or seems to get along better in life.

 

Getting dumped is a part of life, sorry to say. I always feel things happen for a reason. Relationships we are in help us discover the kind of people we are and hopefully shapes us for the person we are going to eventually marry. If it was meant to be, it will be. Just know, when you are going through a break-up, you are not alone out there.

[nataliejulie]

The only thing that gets an ex back, or anyone (family, friends) is time.

 

After time, I'm sure a lot of wounds heal from what kept you apart in the first place.

 

My previous ex did some awful things. So did I. Our break up was TV-movie-made. However, some months later, we are the best of friends. Instead of reliving all the bad moments, we actually bring up all the good feelings and the happiest of times.

[Derek]

Once a break-up happens, you can never go back to being as if it didn't happen, the best that could happen is two people start again with a new set of expectations and new perspective. Perhaps having to rebuild trust after it being broken in the first place.

 

The no-contact (or low-contact) strategy for the person that was dumped is a good approach to show you have self-respect and are moving on with your own life. How a person acts when they get dumped shows alot of character to the other person.

 

No contact means the person dumped is holding their head high, protecting themselves emotionally and letting time heal the wound while gearing up towards the next thing.

 

If the other person comes around later, then the dumpee will be on an even level with them and won't be considered "needy". The relationship will be much healthier the second time around if the relationship control (or power) is more equally divided.

 

 

[AC874]

So in essense.. we run the risk of pushing people just way to far away.

 

Oh well, I deserve a handshake on this... a genuine accomplishment on my part #-o

 

Well, was I supposed to suck up the fact that she's in a relantionship with somebody else.. 1 month after our break-up.

 

Makes me feel like everything ive ever doen for this girl is worth crap.

[LadyV]

You're right! After a complicated 6 years (see previous posts) my ex walked away & i was gutted. I chased for answers & for 3 months was a complete mess. At the time, phoning & texting, etc. seemed like the right thing to do but looking back, couldn't have been more wrong. He couldn't cope with it & neither could i. It was only when i started NC & stuck to it that things changed. I eventually started to switch off & move on & guess what? 5 months after the break he phoned saying he wanted to meet, that he was sorry & that he wanted things to work. I always believed that he'd call one day but i was shocked when he did. 3 months ago that's all i wanted to hear & i'd have gone running back but not now. Too much has happened, i doubt i'd ever trust him again & i've moved on. I've met someone else & whilst it's early days, i'm having a great time at the moment. Like 'TheLostBird' said, using NC to get someone back won't work but time will. The thing is, when they come back, will you want to be with them anymore? I didn't

[Regretfulman]

One thing i will say is that it is never too late to implement NC. no matter how far you pushed someone away after the break up, if you go to NC, chances are at some point the dumper will finally realize what they are truly missing in their lives....YOU. I agree though, that until NC is added to the equation, nothing positive will happen, for many reasons. I will also say that every break up is different too. Many times the dumper is the one contacting the dumpee, and this to me shows that they are still not over the one they dumped. You still must do NC even when the ex is calling, make them want you so bad it hurts. NC is good for every situation, no doubt, but it especially works when your ex is not contacting you

[sibling295]

i have talked to several people about this. And have observed my getting back together. The only way it has worked for me and people i know. Is when the dumpee completely didnt care if they came back or not. About a month after my break up , i did a whole 360 turn around. He still tried to contact me but i was very aloof. This independence and confidence made him attracted to me again, i am sure. We still argue about the same subjects , IE marriage but i drop it quicker and move on.

[TheLostBird]

xxxxxxxxxx

[BONO]

The Lost Bird / Everyone Else on this thread.

 

I posted a reply to a topic yesterday on communiacation. Basically most relationships fail beacuse of poor/bad communiaction or no communication, stemming from various external factors of which we can control/learn from. ie respect, understanding lovers needs and wants and others we can't ie depression, stress, moving to the moon etc etc.

 

How odd it is to get get the one we love back with total NC!!