to wait or gr search for it

[DiscipleOfChange]

I'm curious as to people's opinions on this.

 

A good female friend of mine whom I talk to about women, dating etc. often tells me one thing more than any other as far as advice goes when it comes to finding love/developing a relationship. She says "let them come to you." I howver am of the belief that doing so, for me and most guys out there would be like waiting for Godot; you'd just be wasting your time. The only way you're ever going to meet someone special like that is by putting yourself out there, talking to women and doing your best to get to know them and trying to spend time with the ones you're interested in.

Obviously I'm not saying it should be the driving force of your life but it doesn't seem sensical to "let them come to you" since, whether for better of for worse, the burden of courtship (in my opinion) still falls initially on the guy.

[Meow18]

I agree with you.

 

I think that if you want something, you should go for it. Why wait til they come to you? It might never happen that way. There is always the possibility of rejection, but that's just part of life. You have to go for what you want instead of sitting back and waiting for that person to maybe possibly one day come to you.

[punchy504]

I think your friend might mean to not show all your feelings at once, not let yourself be a doormat for girls. no one respects a doormat

[ShySoul]

It's the combo platter. You wait for something to find you, but when it does you hold onto it and don't let it slip by.

 

When people say let it come to you, they are saying that in the course of everyday life we will meet countless people. We will get to know them, become friends with them. Eventually, there will be some level of mutual attraction between you and someone else. You won't have to try and create the attraction, it will simple exist on its on because your personalities will mesh right. At that point is when you act. It should be clear that feelings are there, so asking to hang out alone sometime, if you don't already do that, is good. Just admit your feelings, and be honest. Let things progress naturally, but don't be afraid of saying what is on your mind or in your heart. Let her now how you feel.

 

Letting it come to you means that you don't need to go out and have it on your mind. You don't need to go to bars, clubs, the gym, or anywhere else with the thought of meeting someone on your mind. You don't need to try personals or matchmaking sites. Nothing against the people who do, I just don't think its the best wa to go about things. Relationships, love... it will find us when the time is right. It found me and its found countless others out of the blue when they weren't expecting or even wanting anything.

 

Concentrate on your life, put the idea of a relationship as far out of your mind as you can. When you do you can better enjoy all the other wonders of life. And when the relationship does come your way, it'll throw you for a loop and you'll be more amazed from it.

[atraceofblood]

I honestly don't know what's right or not. For some, waiting and not thinking about it is right for them, for others, actually putting effort into finding women works for them. I guess it's all up to us to experiment what works for us. I'm still trying to figure it out for myself.

[TheWriter1]

i think i agree with her, lately it seems every time i pursue it, things end, and im left broken. However, every girl who i let come to me still hangs on me and wants to hang out on occasion...weird huh?

[ShySoul]

Not weird. That's the way it usually works. When we actively pursue something, we get our hopes up. We become wrapped up in the thrill of the chase. We put all our hopes into finding it, and since things aren't likely to work out, we are left disappointed. This can often backfire on us and make us feel even more alone. But when you don't think of it and let it happen, your mind moves onto other things. You don't have any expectations, so when something doesn't happen you aren't disappointed. And when something does happen, it takes you by surprise and sweeps you off your feet.

[melrich]

I honestly don't know what's right or not.

 

The is no "right" way. Sometimes someone will find you, fall into your life, other times you will get out there and find them.

 

I think that if you want something, you should go for it. Why wait til they come to you? It might never happen that way. There is always the possibility of rejection, but that's just part of life. You have to go for what you want instead of sitting back and waiting for that person to maybe possibly one day come to you.

 

I gotta go with Hope. Those people who are going to fall into your life are going to fall in anyway. So in the meantime why not get pro-active about getting out there and meeting people. It can only increase your chances of meeting someone who may be the person you are looking for.

 

And ultimately do you really want to be one of those people that life just happens to.

[ShySoul]

If the right person is going to fall into our lives anyways, why put all the time into finding someone and potentially wasting our time? Spend that time and energy on other things that are at least, if not more rewarding. Like doing the things you enjoy, being around your friends, making the most of life. Life is so much more then relationships, explore the rest of it and that part will come to you.

 

And really, do you want to be one of those people who always has to make things happen instead of appreciating the natural wonder of life and the way things to work out for the best? To quote a song:

 

"I'm in a hurry to get things done

Oh, I rush and worry til lives no fun

All I really got to do is live and die

I'm in a hurry and don't know why."

 

"I'm in a hurry" - Alabama

[melrich]

Please , please, please stop taking me out of context and meaning. It is driving me crazy.

 

Your quote,

 

If the right person is going to fall into our lives anyways

 

My quote,

 

Those people who are going to fall into your life are going to fall in anyway.

 

They are two completely different things. My quote does not say that the right person is going to fall into your life anyway.

 

I don't mind you disagreeing with me at all and I am sure you don't mind my disagreeing with you. But I just ask you that if you want to comment on my post please check the context and meaning. I really don't like to have to revisit and explain what was in my previous post when my previous post was quite clear (if that is clear??!!??)

 

Yes the right person could fall into your life (NOT WILL). My only point was, and I didn't really think it was something anybody could have an issue with, is that you can also go out and look. It does not have to be one or the other.

[ShySoul]

Sorry, I intended nothing disrespectful. I wasn't even addressing you. Please, do not take anything I say the wrong way.

 

The difference between "these people" and "the right person" is splitting hairs. The right person will most likely be one of those people. The point is, love comes to us when we aren't looking. Love happens naturally. Do we really want to spend our lives seaching for it and trying to find it, only to more then likely experience disappointment after disappointmen? Or do we want to live our life to the fullest, focusing on experiencing the myriad of other joys in life? Don't be doing things with the intent of finding someone, be doing them for the simple joy of living your own life and doing your own thing, what you like to do.

 

The right does fall into your life through the natural course of events. It's happened to each long lasted successful relationship I know. You can go out and look, but whats the point if its going to come to you anyways? Just live your life focusing on being your true self and doing your own thing.

[melrich]

Sorry, I intended nothing disrespectful. I wasn't even addressing you.

 

OK no problem.

 

Please, do not take anything I say the wrong way.

 

I try not too take any posts by any member the wrong way. I do respect your values very much and I admire your commitment to them. I just know that they are not for everyone. Just as my values are not and nor do I expect them to be.

 

Do we really want to spend our lives seaching for it and trying to find it,

 

Some do some don't. Some people are happy to wait for it to come along and some people want to go out and actively search for it.

 

Or do we want to live our life to the fullest, focusing on experiencing the myriad of other joys in life?

 

Again this is really a matter of choice. Not the right way to live life or the wrong way. For some people going out and looking for love is a depressing and difficult task and not what they want to be doing with their life. For others it is fun and challenging and the way they want to live their life and spend their time. For some that is actually the fun time, their downtime if you like.

 

I've said on many other posts. No human behaviour (as long as it is legal and decent) is about a right way or a wrong way. It is about a preferred way or a non-preferred way.

 

It is pointless trying to tell an extrovert that he should just wait for love to come to him/her. That is simply not how he/she is programmed.

 

Equally it is pointless to tell an introvert that he/she should be out there mixing it dating as many people as they can. That is not how they are programmed.

 

You just have to accept that there are different ways of doing things and different people will have different views on how they should be done.

 

These are not matters that need to be right or wrong. They are not matters taht anyone is able to stand ion firm ground and say this is how you should be behaving.

 

Really we should just state what our own position is, how we would handle it, and leave it at that. No use trying to find fault in how other members handle a situation because they can be just as right as you and I or just as wrong as you and I.

[melrich]

The right does fall into your life through the natural course of events. It's happened to each long lasted successful relationship I know.

 

OK Shy so having said all that. I'll get back on topic and address this

 

I am one of those people that prefers to go out and look. I met my partner and mother of our child and child to be at a "singles" event. Had I not gone along looking for someone I can say for 99.99999% certainty I'd never have met Melanie.

 

We lived on opposite side of a city of 4,000,000 people, we had no common friends, worked 15 miles from each other in unrelated jobs and she is a fair bit younger than me so socially we were doing very different things (me restaurants, her nightclubs)

 

So, is she the "only one" for me. No my belief system does not allow that there is only one perfect match for me in the world.

 

But she is perfect for me and the most beautiful (in all senses of the word) person I have ever met but I freely admit that had I been passive about finding someone in all likelihood "someone" would have come into my life. IT just would not have been Melanie.

 

But I am super glad it was Melanie and I am super glad that I went to that "singles" event. If someone had just come into my life I'd have been very happy for it to have happened that way as well.