My grandfather is suffering

[br0ken]

I just returned from the hospital.

 

My grandfather had been taken there after they discovered there was something wrong with his colon. They started to treat him for it but they couldn't clean it up enough to be able to operate.

We all hoped that after this operation he might be able to continue his chemotherapy but today while standing in the hospital hallway, he fell and broke his hip...

 

The doctor told my grandma that this probably was the last straw. They won't operate him and he's too weak for chemo. I've allways known him as a energetic, clever and funny guy. But now he is suffering , sleeping and trying not to show any of us how much it hurts.

 

As my parents divorced when i was just a baby , he pretty much is the person closest to a father for me. I've never lost anyone before and now i fear i'll have to lose him twice....once as he suffers and i can't do anything about it ....and then eventually when he passes...

 

I feel lost and worst of all anger because i can't help him.

 

On top of that my grandmother is amazing me at how she keeps so strong through all of this .... unfortunately that also means once she passes away she'll crumble.

[RayKay]

Sorry to hear about your grandfather broken - it is always hard seeing those we love in pain and dying. It is part of life, but not an easy part of it by any means.

 

I remember when my last grandfather died about 5 years ago now, he had terminal lung cancer and was in palliative care, and still managed to have a sense of humour as he was dying. I was lucky that I got to see him the day before he passed away...he went to sleep right after I left and never woke up again. Someone from our family was with him around the clock so he would never go while he was alone. I now fear the day my own parents go, I cannot imagine life without my mother around - her own mother died when she was 26/27..my age now. I cannot imagine that. My stepfather lost his mum when he was only 13.

 

One of my friends recently lost her own mother too, and she is close to my age, after her mom's battle with cancer.

 

It never gets easier, but in time you accept the process, and remember the positive memories left behind, not the bad.

 

Just spend the time you can with him right now, and when he is not around, be there for your grandma. She'll be okay with your family's support. As will you.

[Tigris]

Your Grandmother is putting on a brave face for the rest of you. When she's alone she will grieve.

 

Everyone copes differently with this sort of situation. I cope the same way your Grandmother does. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it!

 

I understand what you are going through. It's very hard when you can't do anything to help ease their pain. The person who's ill (which was my Mother) puts on a brave face and says they're not in a lot of pain. This is to protect the people that are going to be left behind.

 

My way of coping is knowing that I did everything humanly possible during the 3 weeks we knew our Mother was ill. I sat at the hospital with her when it was my turn which included night shifts. And I was alone with her when she died.

 

You've got to do what's best for you in a situation like this. If you are strong enough to keep visiting him then do it. If you can't cope then he will understand. Don't let anyone force you to do the opposite to what you want to do because you will suffer for it later on.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Relationship Coach]

Broken,

I am also sorry to hear what is happening with your grandfather. You have been blessed by having him in your life and in return so is he. The feelings you have are very common due to the fact there comes a time in our lives where everything must be given to a higher power to relieve those suffering from their pain and those being left behind, strength to support others around them.

 

Your presense is felt and your love will comfort him until the end. The body is an amazing machine and when his pain becomes too great he will put himself in to a state of unconsciousness but will still feel you close. Pray for him to be at peace and continue to be there for your grandmother.

 

I too have lost three of my grandparents and my grandmother who is 95 years old is coming to meet her newest great-grandson today. She is and always has been my hero and rock, I pray the day that she passes I will have the opportunity to hold her hand just one more time and thank her for the joy which she has brought in to my life. As a matter of fact, this weekend I purchased a very nice artificial Christmas tree in honor of her visit. The tree has now been named after her and will be called "Louise" to eulogize her in years to come so my children will always remember her for the special person she was. We will be here for you in this difficult time and your grandfather will be in our prayers.

 

David

[br0ken]

Thanks for all your kind words.

I'll certainly keep visiting him, i just hope that he doesn't pass away when i'm not there as i think i'll need that for my closure...

 

There is so much i'd still like to share with him .... and tell him that i love him .... as that never seemed to come up much during all these years .... but i guess we both know it without saying....which of course doesn't mean i won't try to tell him if he's clearheaded enough.

 

I can only hope i can keep his memory alive by carrying on what he taught me.

 

He used to tell me to blow one nostril at a time because i allways pushed both in...and still do in fact .... but luckily almost everytime i blow my nose i can hear him saying it ....

 

Thanks everyone!

[br0ken]

He passed away today. I stayed with him for 20hours straight...and somehow when i went outside this morning to put money in the parking meter he let out his final breath. I held his hand and told him i'd only let go when he decided it was time to go but somehow ...i broke my promise by not holding that hand and ...

 

He'll always will be with me but my real concern is how my grandma will cope .... they were married for 51years so she sees him everywhere around the house or anywhere else...

[RayKay]

He passed away today. I stayed with him for 20hours straight...and somehow when i went outside this morning to put money in the parking meter he let out his final breath. I held his hand and told him i'd only let go when he decided it was time to go but somehow ...i broke my promise by not holding that hand and ...

 

He'll always will be with me but my real concern is how my grandma will cope .... they were married for 51years so she sees him everywhere around the house or anywhere else...

 

Hey br0ken, I am sorry for your loss....it sounds like you were wonderful to him....he knows you loved him. He died in peace, knowing that. You did not break your promise, I mean it.

 

Your grandma will have a tough time, but she will be okay if her family gathers around her, okay? I have seen people lose their life partners too, and it is hard, but age also teaches you that it is part of life, and they are not gone in so many respects. He is in her heart, and he will watch out for her. She will be okay - love her, be there, and take care of yourself.

 

I am sorry for your loss again, I am sending you BIG hugs and warm thoughts.....

 

Take care of yourself,

 

RayKay

[Tigris]

I'm sorry about your loss br0ken.

 

Your Grandfather would've known that you were still around. He would've sensed your love. I'm sure his spirit would still be in the room when you returned.

 

You did everything you could for him that was humanely possible.

 

Keep an eye on your Grandmother and take care of yourself.

[Relationship Coach]

br0ken,

I too am sorry for your loss and pray for you and your grandma. I have cut and pasted the section below with hopes that it will help you heal and be strong. We are here for you.

 

Coping With Loss:

Bereavement and Grief

 

In our hearts, we all know that death is a part of life. In fact, death gives meaning to our existence because it reminds us how precious life is.

Coping With Loss

 

The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love, you experience bereavement, which literally means "to be deprived by death."

Knowing What to Expect

 

When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but there is no real order to the grieving process.

Some emotions you may experience include

• Denial
  
• Disbelief
  
• Confusion
  
• Shock
  
• Sadness

• Yearning
  
• Anger
  
• Humiliation
  
• Despair
  
• Guilt

These feelings are normal and common reactions to loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change. You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. But be assured that these feelings are healthy and appropriate and will help you come to terms with your loss.

Remember — It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life. (Included in a call out box)

Mourning A Loved One

 

 

 

It is not easy to cope after a loved one dies. You will mourn and grieve. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Mourning may include religious traditions honoring the dead or gathering with friends and family to share your loss. Mourning is personal and may last months or years.

Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. Your grief is likely to be expressed physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For instance, crying is a physical expression, while depression is a psychological expression.

It is very important to allow yourself to express these feelings. Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain, but you cannot avoid grieving forever. Someday those feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.

Many people report physical symptoms that accompany grief. Stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets, sleep disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms of acute grief. Of all life's stresses, mourning can seriously test your natural defense systems. Existing illnesses may worsen or new conditions may develop.

Profound emotional reactions may occur. These reactions include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression and thoughts of suicide. An obsession with the deceased is also a common reaction to death.

Dealing with a Major Loss

 

The death of a loved one is always difficult. Your reactions are influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental. Your reactions are also influenced by your relationship with the person who died.

A child's death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice — for lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may feel responsible for the child's death, no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel that they have lost a vital part of their own identity.

A spouse's death is very traumatic. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause a potential financial crisis if the spouse was the family's main income source. The death may necessitate major social adjustments requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life and maybe even return to work.

Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means losing a lifetime of shared experiences. At this time, feelings of loneliness may be compounded by the death of close friends.

 

 

A loss due to suicide can be among the most difficult losses to bear. They may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. Survivors may even feel responsible for the death. Seeking counseling during the first weeks after the suicide is particularly beneficial and advisable.

Living with Grief

 

Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope effectively with your pain.

• Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.
  
• Express your feelings . Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the grieving process.
  
• Take care of your health . Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief.
  
• Accept that life is for the living . It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past.
  
• Postpone major life changes . Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss.
  
• Be patient . It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.
  
• Seek outside help when necessary . If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to help work through your grief. It's a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.

Helping Others Grieve

 

If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process.

• Share the sorrow . Allow them — even encourage them — to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.
  
• Don't offer false comfort . It doesn't help the grieving person when you say "it was for the best" or "you'll get over it in time." Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.
  
• Offer practical help . Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.
  
• Be patient . Remember that it can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk.
  
• Encourage professional help when necessary . Don't hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

Helping Children Grieve

Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent's death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent's display of grief.

Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings puts very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.

Coping with a child's grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child's anxiety and delays recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.

Looking to the Future

 

Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Broken, I am so sorry to hear about your loss... *hugs*

 

It takes a long time to get over your grandfather's death, especially seeing you were so close to him, but as you said, he will always be with you, remember him for all of the wonderful times and experiences you shared with him.

 

It almost seems like he didn't want you to see him die - so he waited till you left the room. Quite often when we think of our grandfathers they are still strong, they pick you up on their shoulders when you are young, and all that sort of thing.. and old people really don't like being old, they remember how strong and healthy they used to be, yet they can't do anything about their deterioration.. and they hate people seeing them weak...

 

Stay close to your grandmother and help her out - she might seem strong on the outside but remember that she has lost someone that she has been with for such a long time, it will take a lot for her to be able to live without him...

 

I am always here if you need help - PM me if you want support.

[steff]

broken,

 

im sorry too, to hear about your loss, this year my family lost 6 people, which included our last grandparents. so i totally understand where u are coming from.

 

you didnt brake your promess to him, and i know, that he knows that to.

 

when my nana died 15 years ago (i think) we all thought opa (her husband) would die shortly after her, however opa only died this year he lasted another 15 years. im sure your grandmother is going to be strong enough to do the same, if not more

 

just remember all the good times