Now what...ex questions?

[Juha]

OCD,

 

I am going through a similar situation...WHen I am out meeting new girls/women I am not comparing them so much as I am going by the connection betweenus...

 

I think I never will have a connection that comes close to the one I had with my ex...

 

I ma not contaction her and she contacts now sporadically meaningless things...SHe is dating someone else and I have nothing to say to her anymore...

[Regretfulman]

OCD, is your ex seeing anyone right now?

[OCD]

OCD, is your ex seeing anyone right now?

 

I don't think so...she asked me when I made my first call to her about a month ago if 'I' was seeing anybody...I said well...no coment...then I asked her...she said I'm not telling you if you're not saying anything. I said fine...I've been out on a few dates, but nothing serious and 'no' I'm not seeing anybody right now, what about you. She then said yeh same here nothing much. So I do not think she is seeing anybody seriously right now. Perhaps she's just dating like myself? It is my worst nightmare her being with someone else and also she's been calling a bunch of times for the past month or so. I don't think she'd be calling me that much if she was involved, right? I mean I wouldn't want my girlfriend calling her ex all of the time...it doesn't make sense. I've thought for a while that behind all of this she might have found someone else that peeked her interest and wanted to give it a try, that's really why she dumped me. There is no proof of that and that's not what she's been telling me. I can't think up those types of situations, it's not healthy and it only hurts me. It's only speculation. So here I am, going through my game plan on trying to win her back with NC, being cool and indifferent, and friendly once in a while, and letting her make the contact. Although I didn't anser her last 5 calls. I hope I'm doing the right thing...Thanks.

 

OCD

[kellbell]

Hey OCD!

 

Glad to see you are hanging in there. I have to say you are doing the right thing. As each day goes by, the pain gets less and less. But there are going to be days where you feel like did you do the right thing and some regret but that's normal. One day at a time.

[OCD]

Thanks Kellbell,

I'm trying to hang in there and yes it is getting a little better every day. I still miss her and want to hang out with her though. It still hurts that I can't just pick up the phone and call her or go out. I know I can't make her want to be with me so I'm doing all I can to not push her away and maybe she'll think twice. I hope by not answering her calls isn't pushing her away, NC. I keep thinking about that....thanks.

 

OCD

[sibling295]

Still checking on you - OCD - Hope you are doing well. keep up the positive attitude!!!I bet you meet a cool girl very soon!! Make plans for News Years , and promise yourself to have nothing but a great time!!

[OCD]

Thanks for checking Sib, I appreciate it. Life is actually pretty good. I am letting go slowly but surely. I've meet some really cool girls lately, but of course I want the one I can't have and I'm just not attracted to other girls like I was my ex. I'm just looking for the 'spark' that I had when we met. Some days are great I have no problems being without her and I think of some of her bad qualities, then other days I miss all of the small things about her that I know and miss. Oh well, I am getting better thanks for checking and I think I am a pretty good guy. My self confidence is still intact and I won't sell myself short. I have plenty to offer...my luck will be when I'm totally over my ex and won't want to even hear or talk to her and then she'll be knocking on my door to come back....

 

OCD

[sibling295]

So she is still calling you?

[OCD]

sibling295So she is still calling you?

Hi there,

Yeh, she still calls. I actually haven't gotten a call for about a week and a half. She called me twice on the Sun/Mon before Thanksgiving...I didn't answer...then she called me the Sat after Thanksgiving 3 times in the same night. She left a message on the first call and then tried calling back twice. The message was "Hi it's T-----, what's going on? Call me back, bye." I never called back...I keep kicking myself in the pants for not calling, but the great advice has been stick to NC for a while to let her miss you, basically.

 

OCD

[sibling295]

Yes , she MUST miss you. But I will be honest , when my boyfriend and i were broken up those 2 months - i only did nc for about the last month. Then he showed up and cried and we talked everyday after that for a bout a week until we got officially back together. I know NC works for allot of peeps here on this forum , but i am not sure it would have worked longer than the month for me. I dont want to steer you off course , though , you sound great. I just wish this girl would come to her senses, GEEZ!

[OCD]

Yes , she MUST miss you. But I will be honest , when my boyfriend and i were broken up those 2 months - i only did nc for about the last month. Then he showed up and cried and we talked everyday after that for a bout a week until we got officially back together. I know NC works for allot of peeps here on this forum , but i am not sure it would have worked longer than the month for me. I dont want to steer you off course , though , you sound great. I just wish this girl would come to her senses, GEEZ!

 

You and me both Sib...I wish she would come to her senses...I went NC for about a month and a half, then she started calling a lot. We talked for about a month and a half; I thought she was slowly wanting to work it out at that point. And now I'm about 2 weeks in NC again after her calling just for selfish reasons. I plan on answering the next time she calls though, if she calls...just to see what it is she wants. What is your oppinion? NC or not? Keep answering her calls, when she calls? Don't call her, let her call me? Keep it friendly? I can't be her 'good friend' I would rather be with her and she's not really telling me what she wants at all? Thanks.

 

OCD

[sibling295]

Well , i just want you to think about my advice about this. You have to make your own decision. But when she calls you again , I would answer. keep it normal. Do not say ' i miss you , or want us back together - keep it very friendly. I know you will do it well. Dont call her - wait till she calls you. But yes , i would answer the phone. But keep going out and doing good things for yourself. Dont dwell on this relationship working out. Honestly , my last month of NC - worked for me because i stopped counting days of it - i just moved on. Oh but be friendly "like hey how are you?"act interested . Also what worked for me was I acted like i had sympathy for my boyfriend. You know Like i was really concerned that he was okay. A little like switching the story , understand? It was kind of funny actually. Now we laugh about it. He says "i dumped you and when we talked again you acted like it was me who was about to commit suicide"

[OCD]

Thanks Sib...yes the majority of folks said to go to NC just before Thanksgiving for many different reasons, so I did and it felt like the right thing to do. I think that would show strength to her, that I'm not waiting around and perhaps get her thinking. But yes just about all folks say to answer the next time she calls and keep it simple...I just don't want her to have her cake and eat it too. I mean break my heart and then keep me on the back burner in case things don't work out...you know? I was keeping it very friendly with her for that time we did talk, but I felt like my needs and feelings didn't matter at all to her, it was only about her....I do show concern when I talk to her. I ask if she's alright and her response is yeh I'm fine....so we'll see....Thanks.

 

OCD

[lonelyfish]

Also what worked for me was I acted like i had sympathy for my boyfriend. You know Like i was really concerned that he was okay. A little like switching the story , understand? It was kind of funny actually. Now we laugh about it. He says "i dumped you and when we talked again you acted like it was me who was about to commit suicide"

 

Sibling, that is a great way how to act and try to turn the situation around! I still miss my ex from time to time and that made me feel so much better and gave me better perspective. The last time I talked to my ex he told me he got fired from his job. I gave him a lot of sympathy during the conversation, things haven't been going so well in his life. I remember after I got off the phone how bad I felt for him. Your post made me remember that conversation and how I felt like I was the one in control despite that fact that he dumped me! Thanks!

[sibling295]

also make jokes , be funny . humor goes a long way. And she cant have her cake and eat it too, if you dont allow that. She is just a friend now, no need to ignore calls anymore. Just go on with your life.

[OCD]

I understand Sib...but I really don't want to talk about who I'm dating and worse who she's dating...she asked me once how my date went. That one time wasn't even a date...I was just meeting a friend for a sandwhich. I told her it wasn't a date, but she assumed it was? So some of that sort of stuff I don't like talking to her about, and I don't want to fall into a 'friend trap'. Where she just thinks I'm only a friend, when I have more feelings than that...you know? Thanks.

 

OCD

[OCD]

Hi all,

I've come to a pointe where I'm totalling confused. Some folks tell me to go to NC and stick to it. Others have told me to answer and keep lines of communication open and be friendly. So, I understand that this forum is to gather as much information as possible then you are to make your best judgement. After following a sort of game plan this whole time and it working for the most part, I'm at a stand still and am very confused. I do want a second chance with her and it still hurts even though I've been out with other girls. Has there ever been an instance where someone actually just called them up, broke contact, and asked for a second chance, and it worked? I'm not trying to find excuses to contact my ex, but by the majority of the folks here NC is the way to go...the ex eventually comes back. Well, mine is still around and calling. I ignored her last five calls which I now feel like I should have answered... Do I really just let her go? I do have mixed emotions for her now. I'm very upset she left me like she did and that I'm not sure why she keeps calling me if it's not to work it out. But also I love her and I wish I was able to convey that to her. Sorry guys, I'm just venting for the most part...and was up most of the night over thinking this whole thing. I don't know, but I don't know why I can't let this one go. I've been in other relationships where it wasn't as much of a problem to let go and move on. I really do love me ex, and I really do believe she loves me, I really do. How do I fix this? Is it even fixable? Thanks.

 

OCD

[sibling295]

ocd - have you thought about what if you did call her? although you cannot imagine exactly what she would say , you can guess. How would you feel ? How long would it take you to then get over it all again? Ask yourself these questions. If you feel like taking the risk , then my friend, stop beating yourself up and call her. But get ready for a possible landslide. You never know with love. But i hate reading how upset you are. Other peeps may not agree with me. But if after you have prepared yourself and you feel this is a last chance before you can really move on. then call. OCD _ Do remember this woman hurt you. You dont have to do this to yourself . But if you choose to call , i know some peeps wont agree here, i say do it. Get it out. Dont be whiney , be a man. and call her. Stop the games you are playing with yourself. Go get what you want from life. But be prepared tobe hurt. Pick yourself up afterwards and continue getting what you want out of life. We only live once , but we can love several times....

[OCD]

Thanks Sib...for this whole time I've felt like calling her and letting it all out. Since day one I thought I should tell her how I really feel, period. But reading all of the posts and advice, that historicaly has been the wrong move, a lot more times than not. That's why I haven't done it. But it's building up inside to tell her how I feel even though there might be major consiquences. Man I hope I don't sound whinny? Trust me I'm not normally like this, I just come here to vent and get some deep thoughts I have out. It's helped a lot. I'm normally a pretty strong willed guy and can bounce back from anything. This one is really sticking it to me. I have thought about what will happen if I were to call and let it all out....might not be good. I just don't know anymore...I thought silence speaks volumes...the problem there is you have no idea if they understand what you're doing. Thanks

 

OCD

[sibling295]

i didnt mean whiney here on this forum, you ARE allowed to do that!!! I meant when you talk to your girl.

So whats the decision?? God i hope this girl gets a friggin clue!!!

[OCD]

i didnt mean whiney here on this forum, you ARE allowed to do that!!! I meant when you talk to your girl.

So whats the decision?? God i hope this girl gets a friggin clue!!!

 

Gotcha...lol#-o So you'd really like to see her get a clue huh? What do you mean? Do you think she loves me? I know you don't even know her, but you've followed my story for quit a while now and have seen some of her actions...I think she's really confused. As far as a decision, I'm really not sure what to do...perhaps I should sleep on it? I'm too emtional today to really call, that might be a bad idea. Perhaps tomorrow I might feel better just getting it all out to her, even though its against everybody's opinion here...

[sibling295]

Well its hard to say with this girl , because there is a child involved too. And from what i read you and the kid got along well. i.e. you loved him. A real woman would take that into consideration as well. And maybe she has. I def think she misses you, is curious about what you are doing and stuff. Sleep on it today , see how you feel tomorrow - start thinking positive again. Maybe , this might sound corny, but read some material on getting what you want out of life. I will look for some books too for you. Take care ,

Sib

[lonelyfish]

OCD - I think if you call her and let it all out you will just scare her away. If someone as confused as your ex was to hear what you wanted to tell them, they would run for the hills. You need to give her more time, be patient with her. I know you are hurting but you seem to be thinking of only your feelings at the moment. Do you want to take the risk in telling her your feelings and have her never talk to you again. I say wait for her to call you again. You know she will especially with Xmas coming up. She obviously still cares for you with her recent calls. I wish my ex was calling me. If I was in your situation I would just be on friendly terms with her, let her contact you. Answer he calls from now on but don't be her emotional crutch if you know what I mean. But at the same don't scare her away. Who won the race between the tortoise and the hare - the tortoise of course! Give it some time.

[OCD]

Thanks Sib...it's really cool that you're here...yes, her son and I got along really well after a rocky start. He was a little rebilious in the beggining and then we became great buddies, then it ended. So I was working on 2 relationships really, with her and him. They both were really good. I hope you're right that she misses me...I honestly can't imagine that she doesn't...we spoke everyday for almost 2 years without missing a day...How does one just, cold turkey, not want to talk any more or see each other?? Some people close to me say that she's a pretty selfish person and was finished having to share time with you...I'm baffled...thanks Sib for all of your advice, I think you're great! I'll sleep on it, perhaps I'll get lucky and she'll call me and I'll be able communicate somethings? Thanks again.

 

OCD

[OCD]

Thanks Lonely,

I know what you mean....I just have these days where it all just hits me on what the heck am I doing? What the heck did I do wrong? You get the pointe, playing the what if, why game. It's not fun. The tortoise did win the race...I'm trying to be that tortoise, trust me. Not knowing how she feels is the worst thing through all of this. I'll try to be patient and perhaps it is the right move to wait till she calls again....I just keep thinking the worst. Your mind is your worst enemy. Why is that, it's always working against me. I hope and pray that she does call me again and wasn't scared off that I didn't answer her last 5 calls and didn't return her message???....Her company Xmas party is this weekend and it kills me to think who she's taking this year since we had a blast last year. I won't get to hang with all of her coworkers like last year, etc....I just keep remembering those great times and get so sad....last night was hard. Her surgery is coming up too and I'm soooo concerned for her, it's killing me too that I can't be there for her or worse that she doesn't want me to be there for her, what did I do so wrong to her?? I would climb the highest mountain, cross any valley and stream for this woman.... I just hate having my hands tide, you know.. Thanks Lonely...I appreciate your thoughts as well.