Husband wants divorce - 7 1/2 month pregnant

[SLMitchell918]

Yesterday my husband came home saying he didn't want to do this anymore. We had an arugement because I needed to talk to him yesterday. I have a very recent post about this in the marriage section but i just need help with something compeletly different. I dont know what to do. Should I just let him go? He wants a divorce over extreme petty arguing. Things have been hard on me during this pregnancy. High Blood pressure and yesterday I found out about the gestational diabettes. I wanted to talk to him about it. He was too busy with his friends at work to make time to even call me. What do I do? He keeps telling me he is not sure what he wants. How can you not be sure you want to be with someone if you love them? NO matter how bad it gets, i never think about leaving him. I am emotional drained from the events that took place last night. He left me alone to stew over everything for 4 hours and never once talked to me about it. He just went to bed. When i tried to talk about it he would tell me he did'nt know what he wants and hes not sure if he wants to be with me. After saying that , he would tell me he doesn't want to talk about it, hes got to go to work tomorrow. So i spent the whole night upset and crying. He's breaking my heart. We are going to be having a little girl together but if he leaves me, I will never forgive him. i could understand him leaving me over something major but all this stuff is so petty. Like him never wanting to watch tv with me. Its always sports, never having sex ( his choice) I just dont know what to do. Should i tell him since he isn't sure what he wants then maybe he should leave? I can't spend the rest of my time waiting for him to make up his mind. All of this is killing me. I want it to work but If hes going to leave I have to prepare to pay an outstanding amount of bills by myself. It would just get nasty. How can you love someone , plan on a baby, get pregnant and 7 months later you dont want to do it anymore. How will I go on? I've had one divorce and the guy gave up for really no reason so this is happening again? After only one year of marriage? Please help me. I dont know if I should just make up his mind for him or what. He says he loves me, but how could he? I am totally willing to fix everything, but he just doesn't seem interested.

[avman]

Pregnancy can be a really stressful time for both partners. Hormones run high. Everything is changing. And there are plenty of things to worry about.

 

I would ask him to go to counseling to talk through things. You've only been married a year so both of you are still figuring each other out. And it sounds like you've been pregnant most of the marriage. There are going to be really stressful points. Try and get the issues out on the table through counseling and then you can sort out how to resolve them.

 

Give it a shot. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Divorce at this point would be a real headache.

[SLMitchell918]

i know. I dont want a divorce. We have been living together for 3 years, so we know each other pretty well. I love him very much. But he is breaking my heart

[Dako]

I'm truly sorry you're in this situation and I hope this works out.

 

I've never had kids, but have seen friends go from irresponsible morons to dedicated fathers just by holding their newborn.

He may be feeling trapped. Not long ago he had a girlfriend to play with and not much to worry about. Now he's facing some intimitating responsibiity. He needs to grow up fast, and a counselor may help. Sulking isn't going to enlighten him and a third party might help you start communicating.

 

Best of luck

[RayKay]

(((BIG HUGS)))

 

I am really sorry to hear about this SL, I can only imagine how painful that would of been. Actually, I have a general idea - my father left my mother when she was 7 months pregnant with my baby sister, so I remember it very well. He decided he was not ready for this "commitment" anymore (after 7 years of marriage, and two, almost three, children!). He remarried a year later to his mistress and had more kids...but I am getting WAY off topic!

 

I think you two really need some serious counselling - now, rather then later. You are in your first year of marriage and still "learning" really, even though you have been together three years, this is still something NEW to the relationship. On top of that, you have been pregnant for most of the marriage so far, and that can add it's own stresses - not just with hormones of course, but with the added impending responsibilities you both will have as parents.

 

I hope that counselling will really help you two figure things out, it sounds though like maybe learning some better communication and conflict resolution skills may help, as well as learning to understand one another a bit better - and of course getting to the "root" of why all this is going on.

 

Good luck sweetie.

[Day_Walker]

I think all you can do at this time is communicate with him and see if you can reach some common ground that way.

[momandchild]

I agree that the two of you sitting down and being able to air things out with someone who is trained in guiding you thru this will help. It sounds like maybe the petty things are just a cover for deeper issues like impending fatherhood. Maybe getting some books from the library about pregnancy from the male perspective would help? Just get the books and leave them around, don't push them on him. Let him find them and pick them up if he chooses to, but don't point them out or tell him about them...let it be his call to investigate...if he ask you, let him know that you care about what HE is going thru about this pregnancy and thought that having the books may give him some information. Talk to your ob about the issue, I'm sure he/she has heard this all before and may be able to give some advise too.

 

Good luck

[MyNinja]

Im sorry about this difficult time for you, but please try not to stress alot as this will have affects to your pregnancy. To me, your husband is being somewhat selfish knowing you are pregnant and all the his child. I think he should be a bit more supportive of you instead of just saying, "I don't know if I can do this anymore". He has a child on the way and he needs to step up to the plate and be a responsible father and put away the attitude. You sure enough didn't make the baby on your own.

 

I'm not trying to be brutal or harsh on your husband, I'm sure he has his reasons for his actions, but he should think about the well-being of the child first and deal with the marriage later. I know none of this is easy on the both of you, but I would suggest talking to him about the child's needs first. Tell him to wait after the baby is born then discuss your future with him. Please don't stress, hun. I don't want you to have any complications with your child. Good Luck!

[Shadows Light]

You both need to talk to a counselor. And Soon. Pregnancy, while it is a happy occasion, brings with it extra stressors. You are going to more moody, more needy, more uncomfortable. He is not going to know what to do to make you feel comfortable. You are going through changes. He's looking at you going through changes and doesn't know what to expect or how to act.

 

I've read other posts of yours. And it seems your husband picks up his que's from his friends. And you are NOT happy about this. You need him to be more with you... to listen to you. NOt problems solve. Some of the things just "ARE" and will work themselves out. You are trying to vent... and he see's it as Nagging.

 

Calling at work. Yep. Been there. Used to call work to talk to him about whatever to get it off my chest. Especially while I was pregant. I think I got the same response you did. And... I can't say that I blame him. He was at work. And his head was into his job... not into things going on at home. What I "tried" to do... is NOT bother him with anything at his place of business. And let it wait till he got home. And this works sometimes. However, just as in your case, when he got home.... I couldn't even get his undivided attention then.

 

Right now.. I think you need to concentrate on you and the BABY. You need to take a deep breath... and just think beautiful thoughts about the baby.

 

See if you can talk your husband into seeing a counselor with you. Don't be accusing. Don't be angry. Just tell him. You love him.. need him.. want to be with him. And want to be a family. But for some reason.. the two of you are NOT connecting as far as communication. And...maybe a counselor...(like a refferee) can help you two reconnect. And create some ground rules... You can "BOTH" be happy with. Marriage is all about compromise. Both of you have to be willing to give up some.

[DN]

I doubt that he wants a divorce. Possibly, he is saying that as a means of trying to avoid a stressful situation. I agree that counselling is a good option but be careful that you don't use the fact that you are pregnant as 'leverage' to get your own way. He may cave at he moment but it will cause long term resentment if he feels he can't talk about any legitimate issues he has for fear of having the pregnancy used against him.

 

Of course, he should be supportive during your pregnancy but what he should feel and what he does feel are not necessarily the same thing, especially if he feels his concerns or issues are not being addressed. It may explain his reluctance to talk to you about these issues now. You are pregnant and upset, and he feels that the tears and crying are yet another way of 'guilting' him into giving way.

 

Try to think of the long-term relationship as well as getting the current problems sorted out. Obviously you are emotional because of everything that has happened but both of you need to discuss things rationally in order to get the relationship back on track.

[ratherbesailing]

If you don't think he'll go along with the idea of counseling, it might be a good idea for you to go alone for a few visits to someone who focuses on couples counseling and then ask him to go with you. That way he won't feel like you are accusing him of having all the problems.

 

I wish he was more concerned with your needs and more excited about the baby but it sounds like you are going to have to ease him into the idea of working on the marriage in a non-threatening way. He definitely has some issues in his head and he doesn't seem to be giving you any real clues as to what they are. Could he be depressed?

 

I hope things turn around and you have a long and happy marriage. Guys are a lot less mature and at 22 he's got some growing up to do. When he does you just might have a keeper. Don't give up yet.

[SLMitchell918]

He agreed to try and work things out, but I'm not sure if it is truly what he wants. EVERYTIME i sit down to talk to him about this, he tells me he doesn't feel like doing this, or he doesn't want to talk about it right now, or its late. I dont know what to do. I have so much i want to say to him. I wrote him a letter about how i felt an naturally I took all the blame but it really isn't all my fault. HE is honestly not treating me right. Last night he was quiet. I tried to talk to him. All i Got was short answers. Then he made the request that he wanted something "strong" to drink. I thought this would have probably been a good thing, but it wasn't. I went and got him something because if I didn't, he would. I tried to make physical contact with him yesterday and he wanted nothing to do with it. I can't stay in a marriage where the other party is just with me to be there. He has a new guy friend at work and he calls and talks to him so much, im starting to wonder if it is a girl. Who knows. He never calls me anymore, its like he wants nothing to do with me. COunciling is not something he could or would agree to. If i said anything about it, he would just freak out. Now he is going to hang out with one of his other friends tonight without talking to me about all this stuff. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I left him a txt message asking to meet him @ lunch and bring him something to eat ( He works like 1 mile away from me) but i haven't heard anything back from him. If he declines then to me, its the last straw. I give up. I've tried to make things better but nothing is going to get better if it is all one sided.

[RayKay]

Awww, sweetie. I know how frustrating it is to deal with someone who seems to not really be putting much into it.

 

How does he propose to "work things out" if he would not be open to counselling. Counselling is not just for people who are "wrong", it's for people to create better relationship tools and skills and learn more about one another, which it sounds like you both dearly need right now.

 

Have you met his new friend? Whether guy or girl, it sounds like if he is spending that much time with them and talking to them there is some influence there, and it's coming at the expense of your relationship at this time.

 

I don't have too many answers, but can you perhaps go see a counsellor or marital therapist on your OWN at least and maybe they can help you through this a bit? It's important for YOU to stay healthy right now with your gestational diabetes and higher risk pregnancy right now as a result. Also, did you know that if you are stressed, the baby also gets those hormones and that can cause other complications (children even inherit their mothers anxiety - it explains a lot about me!). Of course, it's impossible to not be stressed at all right now, but talking to a counsellor may really help you work on your own coping skills and get some clarity. Even if you do decide you have had enough....it can help you through that process too. Just a thought.

 

 

Also, as another side question - how involved is he in the pregnancy right now - as in is he going to Lamaze classes, or helping you with a birth plan, or your hospital bag? Things like that? Or does he seem to be just ignoring the pregnancy altogether as much as he can?

[SLMitchell918]

He really doesn't seem involved with this pregnancy at all. He doesn't act like this whole diabetes thing is a big deal. He really doesn't have any problems getting me all stressed out. I am going to meet him for lunch in about half an hour. He didn't sound too happy about it but I just dont know. I haven't met this new guy friend of his. THe day all hell broke loose he talked to this guy friend for like 22 minutes.....I'm like wow. 22 minutes? You work with a guy all day, and you get off work and call his cell and talk for 22 minutes? Im trying not to overract but Its hard not to. I am going to try to bring some things up at lunch time. Wish me luck because if he blows up then Im not sure how I can take it.

[RooferGirl23]

So many people on t his formu say "go to a counsler", but this is very expensive and not everyone can take that rout. if you can, great!

What sounds like to me is he's getting really scacred. babies change everything. if having a huge, active social life is how he likes things, then the fact of having a baby may make him think that those days are over. Not always the case, but you dont usually discover that until AFTER the baby. People with babies can still have lives, too. He might be sooo afraid that the only solution he sees is not to be with you. BUT: he created a life and has responisbility now for that child, reguardless of the fact if he's with you or not. he needs to understand that his life is changing NO MATTER WHAT. I think he needs to grow up.

[Relationship Coach]

SLM,

I have been reading back over your posts going as far back as April. My question is, if you were not pregnant would you still want to be with him? It seems the two of you have drifted apart and your sex life has fallen off the charts. By your posts, you are very unhappy and he does not seem to care or even desire to put in any effort. You need to be thinking more about yourself and your unborn child.

 

I know and understand your feelings about divorce. I know that you have been down this road before and I'm really sorry about that but I think you have gravitated twice now to spouse who probably share many of the same qualities. I always try my best to advise my clients and to help them get what they want but there also comes a time when I have to help them see what is best for them as an individual as well as a parent. Even with counseling, I have my doubts about his level of commitment to making this marriage work. Once your child is born, I feel things will get much worse based on his past behaviors. You are spending an immense amount of time alone, even when he is there. Raising a child is very demanding of your time and I don't see him pitching in. I see him making even more excuses for not coming home and drifting further from the marriage. His actions do not warrant you allowing him to be a father to your child.

 

Insulate yourself from further heart ache and confusion. I know you still love him but you need to love yourself and your child more. I really feel for you and I'm very sorry if I'm telling you something you don't want to hear. I'm a big believer in hanging in there until your fingers bleed but you have so much more going on that can create additional health issues for you and your baby. There are plenty of men out there that would love you and your child.

Best of Luck.

[Kabwe]

As I know he has no legal right to divorce in this period.

[avman]

As I know he has no legal right to divorce in this period.

 

That is not true. There is no such restriction in West Virginia that a person cannot divorce during a pregnancy. West Virginia has no fault divorce law and no reason is necessary other than "irreconcilable differences".

[Kabwe]

That is not true. There is no such restriction in West Virginia that a person cannot divorce during a pregnancy. West Virginia has no fault divorce law and no reason is necessary other than "irreconcilable differences".

That's not good...

[Shadows Light]

I think that I missed something... Why is it not good that she can divorce during this period of time????

 

What is going on right now.. with her being pregnant is NOT good for the baby. Not at all.

 

Counselling is a wonderful beneficial thing to many. No.. not everyone has ready access, however there are always help lines and agencies who work for free or on a per-dium basis. Payment based on income. Counselors have seen it all.. heard it all. They can be objective observers for you. They are a wonderful resourse to get relationships SKILLS that you may not have otherwise. Going at it alone... is too hard.

 

To the OP... the holidays are upon you.. another added stressor. Do you have any good friends to lean on??? family to lean on???? You need all the care and comfort right now. Confide in someone close to you that you can trust. Relieve some of your anxiety...and lean on your friends and family. Obviously your husband doesn't feel bad about laying his burdens on his "FRIEND".

 

I do have male friends. Male friends who confide in me. And I always try to give them advice on how to care for their SO..and to talk to them and be honest to them and love them. Men communicate differently from us women.. they filter differently. I always tried to advise them to the better. In your case... I'd be telling your husband to put whatever his beef is aside... and care for you as a WOMAN who is about to bring life into this world. This is NOT the time for him to be acting out. I don't think to much of MEN who don't have the sensitivity to realize how vulnerable a woman is while pregnant.

 

NOPE.. pregnancy and having a baby is not a hook. It should never ever be used as a hook. If he feels that is the case with you...then take care of business when everyone is safely healthy and baby is delivered.

 

For him to discount you and NOT want to go to counseling if its available... shows that he isn't willing to walk the extra mile for you.

 

Even if I was dead wrong.. dead wrong.. I would think my SO would want to do everything in his power to work things out... if that meant going to counseling to set US straight.. and getting help from the outside.. then I'd expect him to go the extra mile. I know that I'd do it for him.

 

YOU concentrate on YOU right now.. and YOUR BABY. By all means go to counseling if you have it available... and surround yourself with your support system. Lean on friends and family. They love you. thats what they are there for.