Back together... but she lied to me

[gattsuga]

hey all, thanks for reading.. you guys have been a great support through all this! and it was thanks to you guys that me and my ex are back together i believe

 

Me and my ex (or ex ex), are back together after going through hell for the last 3 months. During those 3 months, there was another guy (her best friend) who became interested in her. From the very beginning, she always told me she only thinks of him as a friend... but she started to like him.

 

anyway.. to make a long story short. after i initiated NC for a week, she suddenly came running back to me, like she finally had everything clear. I asked her why all of a sudden she became so sure, and she said it was b/c she lacked sleep and now she is able to think clearly. This last week has been absolutely amazing... we've never been so close before ever.

 

but last night, we had our talk about what happened in the last 3 months... and i was asking her some questions about what they did together (yeah i know... it was none of my business, but i felt it would be easier once i knew so i could start trusting again.)... and i asked her if they ever kissed... she said yes, on the cheek. She didn't say anything after that... so i asked if they have ever kissed on the lips... she said yes.

 

i know a lot of you think a kiss isn't a big deal... but to us it means a lot. what bothers me the most was she didn't tell me until i asked... and she told me she kissed him because 'she thought it was over' between us. and she wasn't thinking, and she was tired. I'm just losing so much respect for her through this... i never thought she was so flaky and irresponsible

 

i want to move past this... but it's just bugging the hell out of me right now. i'm wishing him physical harm, and hope he just falls in a ditch somewhere. This guy is such an *mod edit* too... he's such a player and he constantly flirts with other girls. (Last Sunday we were having lunch with a bunch of friends, my ex wasn't there, and he was hitting on the waitress!! saying crap like, 'Owww, hot stuff!'). She never saw that in him!! She only saw someone who treated her very well. And I was always the bad guy... And this was before we got back together... he doesn't even know yet... she says she's going to try to tell him tonight.

 

i know i need to get over this if i want this relationship to work! And yes, I definitely 110% want it to... but i don't know how to get over this stuff that's happened! I get so angry and I feel so betrayed... and she won't get rid of the stuff he gave her... saying it will be too disrespectful to him!

 

Help!! I need to get over this to have our relationship work again.. how do i get over the feeling of betrayal and anger?? i don't want to lose her... and she said she would do 'anything' to make this up to me. i dunno what i need to make this all better... ?!?

[patience]

and she won't get rid of the stuff he gave her... saying it will be too disrespectful to him

 

ouch! that seems kind of weird

what kind of stuff?

[ONE SXXY LADY]

She said she wold "TRY" to tell him tonight??

 

Not a good thing to say...

I would want to be there when she tells him...if she has no problems with doing this while you're present, then that would be a positive start. If she has a problem with it...I would worry.

[redandblack]

I get so angry and I feel so betrayed... and she won't get rid of the stuff he gave her... saying it will be too disrespectful to him!

 

Yeah, I was going to point that out, too. Why does she care if it will be disrespectful to her? Was it not disrespectful to her that he was just telling her what she wanted to that he could (most likely) have sex with her? Is it not disrespectful to you for her to have a bunch of presents she got from someone who she left you for?

 

Have you ever talked to her about this in a calm and rational but heartfelt manner? If not, I think you should. If she is not willing to talk to you about this, how can you communicate openly in other aspects of your relationship? Tell her that you feel very hurt. Tell her you feel terrible every time you see those things.

 

Also--When you got back together did you discuss the relationship, what didn't work last time, what your needs are and how things will change this time?

 

Goodluck and take care

[danylion]

have just got back together with my ex, month and a bit apart and weve been back for 4 weeks approx. Ok not long but he went on a date while we were apart, well it was a work party and they flirted there. I wished that i never found out and he said he thought about me and apologised to her and went back to his brothers. He said nothing happened but i am sure they kissed just to see what it was like and if he was over me.......well he was not and that actually helped him to realise what he wanted.

 

I was really jealous (it was horrid, the thoughts I had- i just had to take his word for it) but we were not together and I had to let it go, TRUST HIM! those weeks apart are now the "lost weeks", not important to each other just to ourselves and that we were learning valuable lesson about what was important to us.

 

Rise above it, your girl seems sincere and you seem like you want it to work. So like you said dont let this "kiss" ruin what you had and all the amazing things you are about to experience.

 

Fresh start, wipe that slate and move on and at least you're giving it a chance. Its not a lost cause, learn from it. I am sure it meant nothing to her.

 

Please understand this is my opinion based on my experience. All relationships like people are different another good reason not to compare and over analyse.

 

Hope you are not too angry and jealous that it will affect your future together. Good luck and look at the bigger picture....no point in portioning blame.

[gattsuga]

ouch! that seems kind of weird

what kind of stuff?

 

Presents such as a teddy bears, cds, and a HUGE stuffed animal sitting in her room. when i asked her why she won't get rid of them she said she doesn't want to, and it would be too disrespectful.. i asked her to give it back to him, and she said it would be too mean. i asked what would she do with this stuff if we end up getting married, and she said she'd give it to her sister.

 

when i said i want her to get rid of it.. she got all angry, and ended up pouting, and ignoring me for a half hour while we studied. (this was before i found out they kissed)... i eventually gave in and said she could keep them if she put them away where i would never see them.

 

i wish i could believe that the kiss meant nothing to her.. but i doubt it. she wouldn't kiss someone unless she felt it.

 

i'm just so pissed at what happened.... and it's not like we'll never see this guy again.. he goes to our church and hangs out with all our friends. just seeing him makes me sick to my stomach...

 

thanks for listening to my rant

[RayKay]

 

Help!! I need to get over this to have our relationship work again.. how do i get over the feeling of betrayal and anger?? i don't want to lose her... and she said she would do 'anything' to make this up to me. i dunno what i need to make this all better... ?!?

 

If she would do "anything" to make it up - tell her you want her to pack up the stuff he gave her and give it to charity. It's not like it is stuff from a long term relationship even.

 

Then, tell her to tell him about you getting back together, not just have her "try to".

 

You can't hold a kiss against her...you were apart, and while maybe she should of told you, she may have not wanted to hurt you, or feared you would not want her back again. However, you do now have the right to expect her commitment to you and for her to show you that commitment.

[PocoDiablo]

Man, she totally has control of you, doesn't she? That's probably part of the reason why you are having problems. You don't have to be rude, but you DO have to put your foot down somewhere.

 

Presents such as a teddy bears, cds, and a HUGE stuffed animal sitting in her room.

Tell them either she gets rid of them or you're gone.

 

when i asked her why she won't get rid of them she said she doesn't want to, and it would be too disrespectful..

So she'd rather disrespect YOU and throw her affair in YOUR face? I would be livid. I would be absolutely furious and kick her out on the spot. Why? Well, here's the way I think about it. She fooled around with another guy, and half-heartedly admitted as much to you. She did that because she had waning feelings for you. But when you gave her NC - acted like a man - she came running back. But now you are falling into the same "Nice guy" trap as you did before, and she's walking all over you. I give it only a short time before you break up again. She is flaunting her bad behavior in your face like a spoiled eight year old brat. I sometimes feel like when my GF acts like a child I have to treat her like a child. She's pouting? Whatever! Are you so meek that you fall for that??? You caved in. You gave up. You essentially told her she can cheat on you and you won't do anything about it.

 

That's really bad in my book. Really bad. It makes you look like a child, and no woman will ever respect or stay with a child. Your lack of authority is going to doom your and your relationships - all of them. You have to pick some fights and stand your ground, and this one is as important as any. You have to be polite about it - no yelling - you have to be gentle about it and explain YOUR perspective (how it's a slap in the face and incredibly disrespectful) and how you WILL dump her if she cannot understand it.

 

i asked her to give it back to him, and she said it would be too mean. i asked what would she do with this stuff if we end up getting married, and she said she'd give it to her sister.

Whatever. I don't believe that - do you? You are asking her questions. Stop it. Tell her the way it is and end this charade of trying to outsmart her.

 

when i said i want her to get rid of it.. she got all angry, and ended up pouting, and ignoring me for a half hour while we studied. (this was before i found out they kissed)...

Like a spoiled eight year old? And you let her make a decision by POUTING and ignoring you? How's that mature?

 

i eventually gave in and said she could keep them if she put them away where i would never see them.

Same thing as leaving them out. You gained nothing.

 

i wish i could believe that the kiss meant nothing to her.. but i doubt it. she wouldn't kiss someone unless she felt it.

She would not even spend time with another guy if she was strongly attracted to you. And you can make her realize you are more of a man than Mr. Cheater by having some standards, some morals, and demanding respect that you deserve. Don't let her toy with you, that is so unfair. You sound like a great guy! Why would you let someone poke you like that? It's not fair to you.

 

i'm just so pissed at what happened.... and it's not like we'll never see this guy again.. he goes to our church and hangs out with all our friends. just seeing him makes me sick to my stomach...

 

thanks for listening to my rant

If I were you I would understand that you have to embody some self-confidence. You have to tell her something like "You know, I was thinking about those gifts from X. The fact that you want to keep them around after you cheated on me tells me that you do not respect me at all. I am not going to tolerate being slapped in the face like that. You need to start proving to me that you really DO care for me. I think you need to try a lot harder, too, because I am not going to tolerate being mis-treated ever again. And to that end, I expect those gifts to be gone by tomorrow." No matter what she says or does, do not back down. If she refuses, then you know she enjoyed being with him and values his presense more than yours, and that is the time you need to walk right out the door.

 

Never allow any person to treat you like a second class citizen, a backup boyfriend, a last choice. Always demand the best - and if you do, you will get it.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

So sorry about your situation. From what I read about your situation she is not whole-heartedly interested in getting back together with you. She is kind of fuddy-duddy about this. I say this because she won't get rid of the stuff this other guy gave her, that screams volumes right there. She moved on with a different dude right after you guys broke up and she fibs about what they have done.

 

But in the meantime, I am kind of confused on why you are angry about the stuff she did with this guy. You guys have been broken up. She was free to date, so I am not sure if you warrent answers to what she did with him. One thing I learned from the past is to never ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to. You just bought into a world of trouble.

 

I guess either you realize that her heart's not completely into getting back together with you and until she is serious about it, like tossing the stuff she got from this other dude, then I would not bend over backwards for her. I mean, she is making out pretty good here, she's got one dude buying her stuff, totally into her and she's got you trying to win her back. She is holding all the cards and pretty pleased with her position. I think she freaked by the fact you were doing the NC and she didn't want you out her life for good. Pretty selfish if you ask me. Let us know how everything turns out.

[gattsuga]

yeah, i'm at the point where it's either me or his junk. and if she chooses his junk, well then i guess that's the extent of her love for me.

[OBO_Princess]

I was really jealous (it was horrid, the thoughts I had- i just had to take his word for it) but we were not together and I had to let it go, TRUST HIM! those weeks apart are now the "lost weeks", not important to each other just to ourselves and that we were learning valuable lesson about what was important to us.

 

I'm going to adopt your usage of the phrase "lost weeks" - I was in a similar situation and it's so apt !!

[gattsuga]

I'm still in a rut... here's her side of the story.

 

"Put yourself in his shoes. If you liked a girl and took the time and effort to find something for her that she might like, wouldn't you be devasted to find out that she just gave it away like it didn't matter at all or didn't mean anything at all. I appreciate these things because it shows me that he's my friend and he listens.

 

What if I ended up with him? What if?? What if he wanted me to throw away your necklace??

 

I will put these things out of my life. But I REFUSE to throw it in the trash.

 

Don't you understand what a gift means? You will never understand a woman's heart. I keep it because I like it. I DON'T look at it and google over him and remember all those times. I am 100% in love with you. I google over the things you give me. I hug your bear when I sleep. I think of you before I go to bed and think of YOU in the morning. "

 

 

She is the kind of girl who hates being forced to do things. If I threw that ultamatum... his stuff or me... she'd probably choose his stuff just cuz she hates being forced.

 

We had a talk last night after those emails, and I asked her when she was going to tell him.. She said next week sometime (and that's fine.. because this weekend is when his cousin passed away last year, i don't wish him to feel more pain already...) but i am really confused why she wants to hang onto his things when she says she wants to be with me 100%...

 

maybe u guys can give me some insights?

[Anthony M]

If I threw that ultamatum... his stuff or me... she'd probably choose his stuff

 

maybe u guys can give me some insights?

 

You just got your answer. Why are you even wasting your time??

[LiquidCherry]

Well, I've never really thought about it before but.. Looking around my room I have some things that were given to me by ex's, some from more than 6 years ago. I am over these people from my past, one never even hurt me in fact. Why do I have the gifts that were given to me? Because I like the gifts and I'm somewhat sentimental. With gifts I have given I would be slightly offended if I found out they were thrown away or given to someone else though I wouldn't mind one bit if they were packed away for good. Not that someone should turn into a pack rat but I usually do keep a few small momentoes from relationships that were important to me though unless I have not healed completely (and I mean 100%) they are kept out of sight and out of mind. If my current boyfriend had any problem at all with anything I have infact kept I would simply find a box and stick them in the back of the closet without a second thought. I don't think if you requested the same there should be much of a problem. You have feelings and obviously this is bothering you understandably. It also depends on what kind of gift as well I suppose. If it was one of those I love you bear's holding a heart or something like that, she should totally toss it, I would pretty much demand the same. I understand why someone wouldn't want to be faced with an ultimatum but it's also a negative thing that your feelings are being so ignored that you feel you may have to give one. If you are sticking up for yourself an ultimatum isn't a bad thing, not in the least. (but I would ask her to hide the thing first)

[kellbell]

No body likes to be forced to do things, this not a unique quality among people so don't use that to excuse her behavior. If you know already she will choose that junk some other dude bought her, time to give her the ol' heave-ho. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't keep gifts of ex's laying around. When I broke up with my ex's, I threw away all the stuff they got me, even when I was single. Sweaters, stuffed animals, books, blankets, all of it...gone. I mean I saved letters and cards but those are put away in a box along with other sentiments.

[LiquidCherry]

When I broke up with my ex's, I threw away all the stuff they got me, even when I was single. Sweaters, stuffed animals, books, blankets, all of it...gone. I mean I saved letters and cards but those are put away in a box along with other sentiments.

 

Interesting. Not in a bad way, I just think it's interesting. I am more inclined to keep an actual gift than I am a letter or a card. In fact, the only letters I have now are from my bf. I would never throw away a perfectly good outfit! For me anyway I would have far more emotion attached to a letter than an object and so those are the things I discard at the end of a relationship so that I can move forward emotionally.

 

I still find it odd that this girl won't put these items away knowing how upesetting it is to you.

[jsip]

No offense man, you need to grow some balls and man up.

This girl does not respect your feelings at all. Get ready to get hurt if you continue to let this kind of stuff happen. I have been in the exact same position and I let this crap happen. Dont make the same mistake i made.

Tell her that it bothers you and if she does not get rid of it, leave.

 

If she loved you, she would understand this 100 percent. Something weird is going on in her head.

 

Good luck bro, make smart choices.