The ex came over today...

[chaos]

It was only to get more of her things. I made a point of not being here as I really can't face seeing her yet. Bad enough I have to talk over IM. She was supposed to do it on Monday, but something came up. I can't remember if it was during the discussion about her coming on Monday or when she cancelled it, but at some point she asked me if I was ok. When she asked me that, I suddenly got very angry. My first thought was "Why the f#@$ do you care?". Of course, what I said was "Good, and you?" To which she replied "peachy"; I then said "glad to hear it". And that was the end of it.

 

But it really irked me. Where does she get off asking me if I'm ok? If she gave a crap she never would have left. She gave up the right to ask me those questions when she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore and that she'd just been pretending. Even now, days later, it's really pissing me off. The only reason she's asking is to relieve her guilt. She doesn't really care how I am and it's not any of her damn business anymore. I don't know if the anger is helping me or not. I still love her and it's hard to be so angry with someone you care about. Perhaps that's why I'm so angry.

 

I've been able to start seeing all the things she did wrong in the relationship also. All the times she lied to me, all the times SHE took ME for granted. She blamed the breakup entirely on me and that makes me angry to. She can't take any responsibility for herself. She couldn't see the fact that when we got a puppy, I was the one that encouraged her to keep it. After the first week she was ready to give it up. I never wanted it in the first place, not to mention I turned out to be allergic. Nevertheless, I knew she'd hate herself if she didn't and I made that sacrifice for her. I supported her in her new career, even though it meant paying ALL the bills as well as giving her money to pay her bills. I did this for 6 months before she had the nerve to tell me she didn't love me, that I took her for granted, that we never did anything anymore. Well, guess what? We don't do anything because I'm having to dip into my damn savings to keep all the bills paid! Now, I hear she's quitting the new career too. Seems that's all she can do is quit. She would have quit the dog if it wasn't for me, she quit her last career, she quit her new career, and worst of all, she quit me. Well, I don't need a damn quitter in my life. Perhaps she did me a favor.

 

But, I still miss her...

[Hawk]

Chaos - sounds all too familiar for a lot of us who come to this forum. I think you are right when when you say that she only asks how you are doing to relieve her guilt. And the anger that you are starting to feel is a natural part of the whole process - but again you are right when you say for all of that you still love her and still miss her - but this tells me that you are a great person and somewhere, someone is waiting to be with a great person just like you. It sucks, but the only thing that fixes it is time.

[sprawl]

I can identify with a lot of what you're feeling... my gf of 13 months just broke up with me a little over 2 weeks ago. We still live together for another day (finished out the end of the academic quarter at school) but it's been rough... Basically she blamed a ton of things on me--I didn't socialize enough without her, she didn't have enough space, I didn't stand up for myself enough and ultimately she wasn't happy anymore. She said she 'loved me like a friend'....

 

I spent almost a week just terribly upset to the point where I could barely look at her anymore without tearing up a bit but then I gathered myself together and some things became clear. There was really nothing that I could have done to make her happy. The root of all her problems with me really only became an issue because she made them an issue herself. I gave her everything I could, but ultimately I'm not responsible for her happiness--only my own.

 

Right now I've just got an emotional balancing act going on in my mind... one side of me wants to think she'll come to her senses and realize how good she had it while the other side realizes that just isn't going to happen and makes me angry. I feel like all the time we've spent together was based on a lie... after all, how could she be so willing to quit if she'd felt anything close to what I had?

[chaos]

Hawk: Thanks. I do feel that I'm a good person. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'm a great catch, despite how horrible my ex made me out to be. In a way that makes me angrier because I didn't deserve what she said. Sure, I have my faults, who doesn't? But, I'm tall, thin, good looking (so I'm told). I have a nice apartment, and with a little luck, I'm about to land a great job, where I can actually afford my current lifestlye. I'm honest, loyal, caring, and, on occasion, romantic. But, if she can't see all that, if all she can do is make excuses as to why I'm a horrible person... then to hell with her. I always felt I didn't deserve her, truth is, maybe she didn't deserve me.

 

Sprawl: I'm sorry to hear that man, that sucks. It took a couple days for my ex to move out too and it was horrible. I can't imagine doing it for two weeks. I've come to the same conclusion as you: how could they just quit if they really loved us? Either you love someone or you don't, there's no contingincies, there's no what if's. If you love someone you accept who they are, you accept they're faults. You love them through thick and thin, good times and bad. It's only if you don't love someone that you give up, that you quit and run away.

 

Don't get me wrong, there's acceptions to every rule. If abuse is involved than, for the love of god, get the hell out. But when the worse thing your partner does is tease you about your guy friends, and even then a lot less often than he used? That's not a reason to quit, it's just an excuse.

[chaos]

I just saw something one of her "friends" wrote on livejournal... I know, I know, I should stop reading it. The only reason I do is because I've suspected she might have left me for someone else. Well, what I read today only intensifies my suspicions. This "friend" is the one I suspected her leaving me for. Well, he wrote something about spending more time with someone more amazing than breathing. That, combined with her comment about spending the day with a "wonderful person". The fact the she could leave me for someone else and not even have the guts to tell me. Instead, she not only blames me for everything that went wrong with the relationship, she lies right to my face when I asked her if there was someone else. I'm so pissed right now I want to break something!!! How DARE she treat me like this when she's the one... I just... AUGH!

 

Sorry, I'm so angry I can't even type coherently...

[Twinkle_]

So much anger. I felt it too. I'm feeling it now.

 

I was also told he didn't love me anymore. When I told him I didn't love him anymore, everything changed. He went into over drive to try to change my mind.

 

I think knowing exactly where you stand with an ex is a good thing. She left you for someone else, she treated you so badly, she doesn't deserve you. No contact, and start moving on with your lives. take evrything a day at a time. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, take time out to cry.

 

When you're ready, you will meet someone who will worship you, for who you are. x

[chaos]

I think something positive is at least coming out of this... I'm ready now to let go. My goal right now is for her to get the rest of her crap out of my apartment, get her off the lease, and get my keys back so I won't ever have to deal with her again. The fact that she would do this to me means she was never who I thought she was. I suppose I should have seen it coming really. She'll never admit it, even to herself, but she left her last boyfriend for me. She left me for someone else, and more than likely, will leave this new guy for yet another person. She has no idea how to take responsibility for herself and her actions. She has no concept that relationships aren't perfect and take work. I hope she learns her lesson before it's too late but it's no longer my problem. This experience has shown me the mistakes I did make and has made me a better, stronger person. I'm sure I still have a lot of healing to do and it will be probably be awhile before I'm ready for another relationship but I wash my hands of her. I don't think I'd take her back even if she begged me.

[chaos]

I was cleaning up a little today and came accross the valentines day card she gave me last valentines... In it she said that she didn't know what she'd do without me and that she loved me more than I could possibly know... What a crock of *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED*. She loved me so much that in 8 short months she'd be leaving me for someone else... yeah, that's more than I could ever know... *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED* her!