ADHD son, need help.

[adhdmominga]

why does my son behave like a "normal" child with others, but acts like a possessed demon with me? Is this normal? Our psychiatrist tells me my son restrains himself when he's with others, but since he is comfortable at home, his true feelings of ...being out of control....is what comes out. They tell me he has no control, but if he can control himself when he's at someone else's house.......why can't he control himself at home?

[RayKay]

why does my son behave like a "normal" child with others, but acts like a possessed demon with me? Is this normal? Our psychiatrist tells me my son restrains himself when he's with others, but since he is comfortable at home, his true feelings of ...being out of control....is what comes out. They tell me he has no control, but if he can control himself when he's at someone else's house.......why can't he control himself at home?

 

 

Okay well I don't know a WHOLE lot about this but...that sounds odd to me. Generally it is when ADHD children are in other non-comfortable environments, or more pressured ones (ie school) where there are more rules tht need focus, they will be acting out more.

 

Is he medicated?

 

How many "opinions" have you gotten on your son, as I wonder if he truly has ADHD, or he is well, being a normal boy and acting out as he may act out around you. ADHD & ADD tends to be over-diagnosed, and I think other opinions may help. I am not sure whom it is, but Dr Phil has had a doctor on his show who specializes in this area, and has a book out that also discusses the over diagnosis, and how to determine if your child is truly ADHD or ADD. I know several people whose children were diagnosed, on drugs, and then it turned out they were not ADHD or ADD at all. Turns out they were just being KIDS and reacting normally to their environments! Some new parenting techniques and ta-da, everything was fine without drugs.

 

Also, what behaviours does he have that make him a "possessed demon"?

[adhdmominga]

He's been diagnosed by multiple doctors. We've tried all the "newer" medications, and have recently changed to Ritalin. He has less side effects with Ritalin, and when it kicks in, he's happy, more "himself", and a great kid. When the meds wear off, he turns into a screaming maniac. He'll bang his head on brick floors, glass doors, put his fists through the wall. He hasn't hit me yet, but he pulls back like he wants to. It is so difficult to wake him up and get him moving in the mornings. I come to work and I'm shaking all over. He's worn me down. It just seems like he can control himself....when he chooses to control himself. I think it's bad parenting skills, lack of follow-through, lack of tough discipline!?!??! Who knows!

[melrich]

I agree with RayKay in terms of describing your son as having ADHD. Has that been professionally diagnosed?

 

It is definitely totally normal that he is a "demon" with you but an angel with others when you arenot around. That is absolutely typical of young children. They feel safe "testing" their independence with those they are closest too.

 

As RayKay said, if he has ADHD it is unlikely he would be able to control himself around others, it isnot something a child can switch on and off.

 

How old is he? What are the behaviours he exhibits with you? How do you typically repond to them?

[melrich]

It just seems like he can control himself....when he chooses to control himself. I think it's bad parenting skills, lack of follow-through, lack of tough discipline!?!??! Who knows!

 

Sorry we crossed paths on the last post. Again I am surprised that he has been diagnosed with ADHD if as you say he can control his behaviour when he chooses to. Also the fact that he does not go through with hitting you likely shows that he knows where certain boundaries are, that is typically not the case with children with ADHD.

 

Ritalin of course will have that effect whether he has AHDH or not.

 

It really is never an issue of being a bad parent. Being a oarent is a continual learning process and some kids are more difficult than others. It may be that you child (how old?) does require more routine and discipline than others. Have you seen a behavioural pshychiatrist?

[Bethany]

If he is good in school and behaves like other children, and then comes home to you and behaves like a demon possessed with any or all of these... temper tantrums, throwing things, punching and kicking both siblings and parents, biting, swearing, and generally controlling the house by his behaviour then I too believe its bad parenting skills.

 

Children need discipline, routine, reward for good behaviour and punishment (not corporal punishment)for bad behaviour like Time Out or the Naughty step a minute for each of their years and made to say sorry for what they have done.

 

Buy a good book on parenting is my advice because children don't respect their parents for not giving them the above things hence their behaviour to them and often look to the parent to do something about IT.

Be a parent, not a friend or someone who is afraid of their child or what they might do next.

[PocoDiablo]

I couldn't agree more.

 

Also, what's his diet like? Soda, candy? How much TV does he watch? He needs to understand there are reprocussions for his behavior. If he has an outburst, take away TV privileges. He should NOT have a TV in his room. Get rid of video games if he persists.

 

It's clear to me that he is controlling you - using you. He's smarter than you (at this point) and now it is your job to be smarter than him. Never let him get what he wants for bad behavior.

 

You almost need to read a book on training dogs. Pack behavior - who is alpha? It's him, not you, so he does whatever he wants.

[Mun]

Hey there,

My son has ADHD, deppression and anger issues. When he was 8 he was constantly throwing tantrums at school, he once hit the school principal and bit a teacher. Another time he ran around campus finally hidding in a hallway. He was taking medication but nothing seemed to help.

 

One day at the doctors office he kicked the wall and knocked down the fire alarm. He was so out of control that we were rushed into the doctors office ahead of other people. The doctor thought that my son knew what he was doing but felt "safe" because I was always around. So I had my son committed for about 20 days. I could only visit once a week or call him.

 

It wasn't something I would have normally considered, but I'm very, very glad I did. The out-of-control tantrums stopped and now my other children know that they too can end up in the "hospital" away from mom if they misbehave like that. My three sons have ADHD.

My house is alot of fun

 

Sorry for the long story. I'm not suggesting you put your son in the hospital, but that you work closely with the doctors who care for him. My son's medication was adjusted and even changed a few times until we found what worked for him-- along with counseling during and after his hospital stay.

You should also look for a support group for parents of children with ADD if you haven't already. It helps to talk to people who are in your same siituation. You don't have to go through this alone.

[itry]

hey...my 4yr old was the same way... a PERFECT angel at daycare/preschool...and a complete nut at home. im a single mom so i didnt have any psychiatrists,evaluations etc. etc. but her tantrums were unreal..to the point where i would have to walk away from her so she wouldnt see me start to cry. people tend to think that young single mothers just dont know what the hell they were doing....but at the same time..i was going through a custody case and i felt that this may have been affecting her. anyway....i went to the book store and bought several books..i researched and posted a lot on "link removed" and "How to Behave so Your children will too" was one book that really really helped. i stuck with it...and thank God things are sooo much better..good luck

[itry]

You almost need to read a book on training dogs. Pack behavior - who is alpha? It's him, not you, so he does whatever he wants.

 

 

HOLY GOD that was so insulting to read. I think if anyone handed me a book in reference to my daughter on "How to train dogs" i'd punch them clear in the face.

 

 

I dont like people's assumptions of "bad parenting skills". EVERY kid is different.... every parent is different. each situation is unique.

 

and to be honest..i hate that there are so many excuses for why people behave the way they behave. when people saw my daughter with me and my age...without even knowing the whole situation..they automatically assume im incompetent. i hate that. bad parenting skills my foot....argh

[Mun]

Itry, I have to agree with you about the fact that people assume things about the parent when they see the child behaving badly.

 

A lady in my support group was so tired of the nasty looks she'd get at the supermarket or the mall when she was out with her kid that she had some business cards printed with this message:

Hello there, my child's unusual behavior is not due to a discipline problem but to the fact he has Autism. He is unable to relate to the world the way you and I do and this causes him anxiety. ( I don't remember the exact wording used) It then listed a few facts about Autism. She intended to pass them out when her son was having one of his outbursts in public.

[amylyn930]

i think add/adhd is overly perscribed and over rated.. i dont believe in it.. and i think they just need a change in thier environment..

[Bethany]

Mun,

I find it almost distressing that your childs behaviour got so out of control that he was taking in and hospitalised and forgive me if I am wrong but from what you have written it seems to be form of blackmail to keep him and your other children in line.... You'll be taken away just like ____ if you do that. I'm hoping I'm wrong but it comes accross like that.

 

I've never thought that ADHD was a medical condition but always from behavioural issues due to bad parenting and from your post it just reaffirms this to me.

You refer to an autistic child but your children do not so I have no idea why you bring autism into this thread.

[Mun]

Hi Bethany,

I don't mean to hijack adhdmominga's thread, but I'll answer your post.

 

I do understand that adhdmom's child doesn't have autism. I didn't mean to throw that out there without explanation, sorry.

 

I referred to the autistic child because I wanted to illustrate that people do make assumptions, based on a kid's behavior, about a person's parenting skills when in fact there may be a real medical ( or neurological) condition present that explains it...that's all.

 

I do have a child that has autistic characteristics ( echolalic speech being one of these) and ADHD, I'm sorry I didn't clear that up before. He is not severe though, remember Dustin Hoffman's character in Rainman? that would be a more severe form of autism. My child is not severe, he has the ability to understand, so he loses privilidges when he misbehaves. How else will he learn that bad behavior has consequences?

 

Even though my three kids have ADHD they are very different from one another. The child that was hospitalized had other issues too: anger, deppression because of a congenital birth defect for which he has had several surgeries. He was 8 and didn't know how to cope with everything he was going through. His anxieties manifested as horrible tantrums.

 

As itry said, every situation is unique.

 

I might be a bad parent, but I would rather they be afraid of something ( like being away from mom) to keep them in check than to have a kid end up in prison or dead because he does whatever he wants, uses a medical condition as an excuse and suffers no consequences for bad behavior.

 

I apologize to adhdmom for getting a bit sidetracked here.

[mrsmarvl]

Hi there Mum:

My husband and I have 6 children between us and his 2 both have add/adhd, my stepson is 15 and my stepdaughter is 16 (she is in a military school, not by choice). When my husband and I got together, he had them on ritalin,and in counseling. they were doing good. Then they went to live with there mom in another state, and it all went to crap. Now I believe that meds work to an extent, it helps them "focus in school", that is about it. But when it comes to the behavior, it gets alittle tuffer. , my husband would let things go because he he felt sorry for them, because of there problem, and there mom thought I was picking on them , they are extremley over wieght, the gorge themselves with junk food, and i DO NOT buy the stuff, they mooch off other kids, and there dad gives them money (which I just found out about), they have a problem keeping themselves clean, say they do there homework and dont! Its one lie after another. un fortunatley you have to be up on them all the time, they are like having 5-8 year olds around, and alot of kids with add etc tend to be followers istead of leaders, so you have to watch out for the drug seen and alcohol, its not easy and I feel what you are going through. But you and your spouse have to be on the same page at all times if the kids see that you r not, they will play you against each other. its not easy and its frustrating and then the kids dont listen because there problem, disipline is a big factor , stucture and routine. mail me back if you like. And good luck!