They disappear after a month or two of dating...

[Venturer]

I'm noticing a pattern in my dating life. First, I start dating someone, and things are going well for a month or two. We contact each other daily or every other day if we're both busy, and see each other about 3 times a week on average.

 

But all of a sudden, the girl disappears out of my life without any kind of explanation. She stops contacting me. Or she keeps contact, but it is much less frequent and does not tell me anything what is going on with her like she did before. I'm not talking about gradually decreasing contact, it just happens quickly, almost like overnight. It's like a switch that was flipped, as if she lost interest overnight.

 

Preceding this disappearance, there had been no fights, no arguments that had not been left unresolved, and I could not pick out anything that I had done wrong that I think might have made her run off.

 

Something like this has happened at least 5 or 6 times in the last 2-3 years. And this is the main reason why I have not been in a relationship for that long.

 

Also, I noticed one thing about those "disappearances" ... whenever I start dating a girl, and she goes away for a weekend or a week - for something like visiting her family or going to a friend's wedding or a conference for work, or whatever. And then she returns to town, and she's just not the same... its as if she lost interest in dating me while she was away.

 

I keep wondering, "what did I do wrong?" And not knowing eats me up inside, and whatever it may be, I probably keep making the same mistakes again and again. But this is just mysterious... it may even have nothing to do with me, or it might. I just hate being left hanging high and dry... and I rather be told the brutal truth of why she doesn't want to see me anymore than be given no explanation at all.

 

Can anyone try to explain what is going on? Or better yet, is there a girl here who suddenly "dropped the ball" on a guy and did not tell him WHY... if so, please give some input on why you did that... and how a guy like me can avoid this happening in the future.

 

Thanks in advance!

[chai714]

She didn't lose interest while she was away. It happened sometime before, and likely more toward the last few times you saw her. Remember, we tend to go for those who:

1. satisfy our emotional needs

2. are somewhat aloof (i.e. not always available)

3. people want what they can't have. (this is human nature at its best.)

 

Dating and progressing into a relationship involves a series of acts, which require good judgement. It's really a balancing act of fulfilling her emotions, withdrawing, letting her chase some, then chasing her some once she slows. Also, I recommend dating multiple women at at time. I'm not saying sleep with them all, just date. This will give you more perspective and the one you want will stand out from the rest as you will naturally gravitate toward her. Also, keep one main idea in mind: it's all about how you make her feel, not how you feel. So, focus on how you make HER feel, rather than concentrating on how you feel. This simple principle goes a long ways. Good luck.

[DropToZero]

Yea, I agree with Chai first of all, especially on dating multiple women as to not put all your focus on one.

 

Basically, the reason they're losing interest, is because you're giving the girl too much attention too soon. Saying that you see her 3 times a week, and everything is fine....that's how it always is, I've always seemed to notice that girls have no self-control at first when they learn of your interest. They want to hang out or go out on dates and call you every day...or they want you to call every day. And I'm highly against that, I'll do what I want, I have my own life, you're just a part of it, not all of it.

 

But by giving a girl 3 days a week every week, I think that's a little too much. You need to become more busy, and create a little more attraction by not being as available. I'd say cut it down to no more than 2 times a week, but for most of the time, make it only once a week. Then later on as it progresses into possibly something more, then you can start seeing her more often. You're pretty much just acting like a b/f from day one, and that's going to lose a girl's interest in very short time easily. Like chai said...and you see it everywhere 'people want what they can't have'...so in the future, take our advice and cut down the number of dates and calls.

[Venturer]

Actually, in some cases I saw the girl 2-3 times a week... and in other cases maybe once or twice a week... and this still happened. So looking back, I don't think the number of times a week really matters in my case. So, droptozero, your theory may indeed hold up for those that I was seeing frequently early... but it doesn't hold water for the cases where I didn't see the girl more than once a week.

 

It's hard for me to give all the specifics for each case, as each case is different and they all lie in different contexts, but the end result has been the same. Each case varies from one end of the spectrum to the other: sometimes it was just a couple to a few dates where we just talk about the superficial stuff and "getting a feel for each other"... or sometimes the girl herself was acting like she's my girlfriend, having OPEN and honest communication between us....even in one or two cases, I was the ONE who put the brakes on a little bit once in a blue moon, espeically when I got busy (studying for a midterm, etc).

 

I've also been thinking that if this keeps up, I'll just stop dating and get married so I don't have to suffer the boom and bust business of dating and then getting let down by them disappearing on me.

 

So... any ladies willing to give their perspective? Because since I am a guy, I already have an idea of how a guy views this dating problem... but I don't know how the girls view this.

[RayKay]

 

I've also been thinking that if this keeps up, I'll just stop dating and get married so I don't have to suffer the boom and bust business of dating and then getting let down by them disappearing on me.

 

So... any ladies willing to give their perspective? Because since I am a guy, I already have an idea of how a guy views this dating problem... but I don't know how the girls view this.

 

I'd be interested in knowing how you are going to marry someone without dating...and what you would do when you found out that person was a "bust" AFTER you married them!

 

I would say it's just a matter of them having lost interest honestly. It's easy to say it always happened when they went away, but that cannot be the cause in every different situation, the thoughts of not being right were probably there before...when they went away they had more time to think of it, talk to friends and family and make a decision.

 

The fact is this IS dating, is meeting someone a few times, maybe moving a bit more forward, to see if there is potential for more. Both people have opportunity to decide this is not the person for them, and move on, and so breakups do occur. I don't think having things end after a date or two, or two months later, several times, is uncommon at all. 5-6 times in the last two years is not uncommon either! The fact is NOT everybody is a match for everybody, and not everyone will stay with EVERYONE they date (there would be no need for this forum then, nor would love be so special and elusive would it!). It's a journey towards finding the right person for you, and them finding the right person in you - and for everything to fit right, and be compatible and so forth.

 

Eventually you meet someone and things just progress naturally for you BOTH and it feels RIGHT for you both and it turns into something significantly more long term. Until then, you meet some duds and some of them see a dud in you

[Dating Coach]

From your perspective things have been going great but maybe the other person had been experiencing some doubts and overtime it grew to the point that they left. When someone goes out of town and comes back feeling distant... maybe they found someone else that gave them more of what they are looking for. That happens quite a bit.

 

As far as what you could be doing to cause them to lose interest? I don't know as you really didn't give us much insight into what you have been doing.

[Venturer]

Raykay: ok you made an excellent point about marriage. however I have a couple of friends who never really dated all that much, and now are married through an arranged marriage (that type of marriage as much lower divorce rates) - and they seem to be doing great, going 2-3 years and still strong. I'm not particularly wanting an arranged marriage when I'm ready for marriage, but I find it interesting that it has a significantly lower divorce rate.

 

As for finding someone where it just feels right to go further, you can never tell, eh? One day it feels totally right, and the next day the person is gone.

 

Diggity: Okay, if the other person was experiencing doubts, then why didn't they tell me? Or at least try to talk about whatever is bothering them?

[RayKay]

Raykay: ok you made an excellent point about marriage. however I have a couple of friends who never really dated all that much, and now are married through an arranged marriage (that type of marriage as much lower divorce rates) - and they seem to be doing great, going 2-3 years and still strong. I'm not particularly wanting an arranged marriage when I'm ready for marriage, but I find it interesting that it has a significantly lower divorce rate.

 

As for finding someone where it just feels right to go further, you can never tell, eh? One day it feels totally right, and the next day the person is gone.

 

Diggity: Okay, if the other person was experiencing doubts, then why didn't they tell me? Or at least try to talk about whatever is bothering them?

 

Well I don't have too much experience with arranged marriages - but part of the lower divorce rate may have also to do with the tradition, the culture and the different perception on WHY you get married (ie not for love, but for family & tradition & preservation of culture). So as long as those values are being met, there is no reason to leave even if the "romantic love" is not there. Some of course might get lucky and have it all, but I am sure there are many unhappy arranged marriages too. It all depends what is more important to you - to be happily married, and choose the woman you want to be with, or to risk being unhappily married (but maybe lucking out) and not getting to choose.

 

It just takes time..eventually you can tell

 

As for why they did not tell you..who knows. Some people prefer to just mvoe on rather then work on it, and if its early, they may not see any reason to work on what is not there. Ie if its two or three dates in...you should not have to "work on it" already. Some just prefer to move on when something does not feel right. And I admit I would do same. If there are issues in my relationship wiht someone I love, then I work on it as I do with my boyfriend now..but if I don't LOVE them, or there is something really wrong there, then I would move on if the issues seemed to be too great for me.

[Venturer]

Raykay: You said Some people prefer to just mvoe on rather then work on it.

 

Okay... if it is early and a strong bond hasn't been established between a couple yet, I can understand not seeing a reason to work on it and get past a little issue if it arises.

 

But the cases that bother me the most are when the girl and I have already bonded, gone way past the "getting a feel for each other" phase, and sometimes even slept together. A person, in that situation, not trying to work on something when an issue comes up... just seems to me that the person is giving up too easily. I mean, really... it's like drowning in a drop of water.

 

At least give the budding relationship a CHANCE by sitting down and talking about whatever is bothering one of the two people. Or if one person doesn't want to continue, he/she would do a big favor to their date by telling them straight out that they don't want to continue. Just so nobody is left hanging high and dry. Sure, it might hurt more in the short-term, but less in the long-term. Just like that band-aid concept... if you pull it RIGHT OFF in one quick stroke, it'll hurt A LOT for a few seconds but the pain goes away much faster. However, if you pull it off slowly, the pain may not be as intense, but it is PROLONGED. I prefer to pull it right off.

 

Have people gotten so lazy that they've forgotten to communicate their feelings? I mean, I thought women are better than men at talking about their feelings... however, I'm starting to think that is not exactly the case here.

[teacup]

im in the process right now of trying to decide whether i want to drop someone. we had a feel dates where there was great chemistry, attraction, just a great sense of connection......wow. we spent those days in his apartment talking and making out.

 

and then as soon as we go out, i notice he is a cheap bastard and he starts being inconsiderate and i am MAD. angry as hell. that happened last date and the date before that. and now im really turned off. i really liked him but his attitude pisses me off so much. i deserve better, im worth more.

 

so now i am wavering whether to drop him or to see him some more. not sure but i feel really really angry and repressed anger is not good for me. im not sure i should bother explaining this time. im not sure it's worth it to try and work it out. he doesnt seem like he would compromise, though he did mention that word. and frankly, im not sure it's worth it. i've lost some interest, i feel disgusted and im mad.

 

i also picked up a second date with a guy who was nice and gentlemanly to me on the first date. (no chemistry but he was good to me and i noticed that).

 

and yes, it has been about almost a month. much like ur situation.

 

so ask yourself

are you a cheap bastard?

are you inconsiderate and rude?

[Venturer]

so ask yourself

are you a cheap bastard?

are you inconsiderate and rude?

 

Teacup:

 

Before I answer your question, I want to know what you really mean by "cheap". Is he just very careful with money? Or does he spend and spend on himself only, and then at a restaurant he makes a fuss about you paying when the bill arrives? Does he offer to split the bill with you? Or does he want you to pay the whole thing and doesn't offer to cover for you the next time? Does he have a job? Or is he a student with financial aid? Have you even tried talking to him about this?

 

Personally, I am a graduate student on financial aid and I also have a part time job. So I don't splurge every time I go out. Sure, I go out once or twice a week and use my plastic. But I also have to be careful not to spend too much money so there's enough money in my bank account and that I can be safe from bounced checks and I'm able to pay my rent. When I go out with a girl, I usually pay for both of us the first time. After that, I usually offer to split the check. Or if she covers for me, I'll tell her that I will cover her the next time. I cannot be expected to pay for both of us everytime - there are limitations to what I can do and what I cannot do. So if you think that is being a "cheap bastard", then I guess I am. However, I would not think that many people regard this behavior as being cheap.

 

And am I inconsiderate and rude? Far from it, and I'm not trying to toot my horn here. I've been referred to as a "nice guy" much more often than "rude", HOWEVER, at the same time, I am careful to not over-extend myself to the point where I'm overlooking my own needs and putting other people's needs first.

[RayKay]

I am not saying it's right or wrong Venturer...I do think they SHOULD at least TALK to you about what is going on, and why they are leaving even if they made it up in their mind already to move on....but I am just telling you some people don't think that way!

[Mjane]

I've been the victim of the vacation dump twice in the past three years... but as I was reading this thread... I realized that I did it too.

About three years ago I was dating this guy for about four months... I broke up with him 6 weeks in because it just didn't feel right, but then I had second thoughts and we got back together. So... about two months later I went on a ski trip and I met these two great guys.. and it got me thinking... there are other interesting, single, attractive men in this world... hmmm... and then another month later I went to visit family ... and that's when I realized I just couldn't date this guy anymore... we just weren't right for each other. So I returned home and broke up with him about 10 days later... I procrastinated a bit...

[Msnak]

This happened to me this year, and I did this to someone two years ago! I still feel guilty! I should've been honest and said to him that I wasn't feeling the same as he was.

 

What goes around comes around! I've learned my lesson and tell everyone else in my life that--in the long run--honesty and communication are keys to not hurting people or yourself.

 

Leaving someone wondering or having false hope is cruel. I think people are afraid that being open is always equal to being mean.

[bubbamackdaddy69]

Hey man.... good thread you started because I'm like you.. Same thing happens with me for some reason and sorry I can't offer any advice as I'm hear looking for some as well for the same thing....LOL..

 

One thing I can add though is that what you are going through happens to me alot as well but after thinking about it I'd say that of all the girls I have dated in the past 2 years , 1/3 of them I dumped after a month or so and honestly I think it was because I was being superficial?..... I mean I'd lose attraction for them and not be as interested and in it for just the sex but then now I'm thinking of all the other women I have dated and did the same to me in regards to being distant after a month maybe felt the same way as I did ( and they are the girls I still find attractive and sexy)..they were not attracted to me anymore ??

But like I said..I have no clue why this happens to me really and looking for advice

[SoMuchLove]

Yeah...I was in a similar situation once Venturer. I agree with the facts that

we tend to go for those who:

1. satisfy our emotional needs

2. are somewhat aloof (i.e. not always available)

3. people want what they can't have. (this is human nature at its best.)

Only with my situation I actually worked with the girl. I really wanted to not answer her calls when she called me, but i figured "hey i'm gonna see her at work 7days a week anyway so i might as well answer the calls." Yup...Big mistake lol. she went on a trip and came back very distant from me. It was very awkward because I was her boss which meant I HAD to see her at least once a day for an hour or two...

 

Before she left, working together wasn't too much of a problem because I was a manager. This meant I could send her away so she couldn't be around me so much and vice versa

 

The main reason I answered her calls was because we could get more personal information about each other over the phone and speak on a professional level at work. And because of the work hours, the little time we could get on the phone was so special to both of us...

[Dating Coach]

Venturer, your question has been pretty much answered by Msnak and Mjane. I know it would be easier on you if they "pulled the bandaid off quicker", but for the girls who lost interest in you and left, sitting there and trying to work it out with someone they really didn't have any interest in working it out with simply was not easier, and nor did they want to do it. They felt there was a better match out there for them and left. Telling you why they left is adding much more drama to the situation than they want to deal with. It is easier on them to just leave.

[Venturer]

Diggity: I guess you make a good point, that it'd make it easier for me if they pulled the bandaid right off quickly, but wouldn't it make it easier for THEM as well? I mean, Msnak and Mjane have expressed guilt for dropping their guys (though Mjane did tell her guy after procrastinating a bit)... and I'm sure most people would feel better after being honest and getting their feelings off their chest. I know I would. One time there was this girl I wasn't interested in, and I told her straight out that I wasn't interested, and she thanked me for telling her this. All I ask for is people to do the same thing for me... if they're not interested in me anymore, just spit it out and get it over with.

 

That leads me to my next question - the latest case of this date disappearance, I know I will see her around again because we have mutual friends, sooner or later. If I see her and our mutual friends are present, I won't say anything about this. But if I see her and we're both alone, I will say something. But what should I say about her "disappearance" and how should I say it calmly and cooly? Like, "hey, what happened? before you went to xxxx, we were dating and doing fine... but since you got back you haven't been the same. Mind telling me whats up with that?" Any thoughts?

[Dating Coach]

No it isn't really easier on them. I think the main reason those two Mgirls are feeling guilty is because they come here and get to hear first hand from guys just like those they dissed, so that makes them feel most guilty.

 

To most girls in this situation, the easiest thing would be to either walk away or offer some non-insulting excuse to end things, and then hope that the guy just takes the hint and walks off. If it works according to plan, it is the easier thing for them-or at least seems like it is the easiest thing for them. The problem is that most guys don't get the hint, either because they are inexperienced, dense, or are blinded by what they want to see.

 

We could argue all day about which approach is better, and yes, I do think that someone should be open an honest, but the reality is that this isn't going to change. This is the way it is and we can either be upset and cry about it, or we can learn to read actions (which isn't too hard) and understand what is happening that way.

 

As far as confronting this ex, I wouldn't recommend it. What is the point? This is also something you ex is dreading. She doesn't want to be confronted about it and she doesn't want to discuss it. Hence her disappearance and lack of an answer. Further pushing by you seems desperate and pointless. Just ignore it and act like it never happened. This is the best thing.

[PocoDiablo]

When I go out with a girl, I usually pay for both of us the first time. After that, I usually offer to split the check.

Kiss of death right there.

 

I've been referred to as a "nice guy" much more often than "rude"

Oooooh a double whammy.

 

Yeah, okay, you need to do some work here Mister. You are making mistakes and they are bad.

 

1. If you invite a woman out, you should always pay her way. And tip where appropriate. If you are broke, go someplace inexpensive like Starbucks! If a woman is overly concerned about money, she does not like you. Dump any woman would would not go for a walk on the beach or in the (nice!) park with you. She does not want to spend time with you? But with your wallet? Gold digger!

 

2. Nice guy = doormat, desperate, perverted, and a host of other bad things. Do not over-compliment a woman. One per day works fine, and "You look great" is fine.

 

Don't be serious. Lighten up. No talk about cars, computers, SEX, politics, religion, EX'S, gruesome stuff like murderers or rapists or blood and guts, guns, your pets, or technology in general, problems, death, etc. Keep it light and fun. No crude comments, racist remarks, or rude jokes!

 

Are you a BORE? I was. You need to ask your date questions, you need to get to know her! If she asks you a question, don't answer right way, don't answer serious right away. Play, flirt, have fun. Keep things rolling by asking for more information about her answers. "Where did you go to school" she replies "Oh, Yale." and you say "Your name is not Yim Yohnson is it?" (Haha, funny joke.) "No seriously, did you like it? What did you study?" "Are you still doing stuff related to what you studied? What do you like best about that?"

 

Do NOT touch your date unless she touches you first, and always touch her less than she touches you.

 

Go for the goodnight kiss on the first date. If you do not get it, you did something wrong on the date. What was it. Identify it, never do it again, ask someone else out on a date. Try again.

 

Look a woman in the eyes, never at her tits, ass, etc.

 

Does your breath stink? I have halitosis. It is a complete PITA. I have to brush my teeth several time a day, Listerine, AND use a tongue scraper. How about cologne? Do you shower before your dates?

 

You need to watch these movies: The Tao of Steve, a few with Cary Grant in them (Your pick, but romantic), and Bedazzled. IN THAT ORDER.

 

Then, analyze your dates and figure out what you are doing wrong. As SOON as you lose her interest, her focus, think what you just said or did. It was BAD. Don't do it again. Learn!

 

It took me about 6 months of doing this to figure it out, I am sure you can too.

[Venturer]

Poco, are you for real?? lol

[Dating Coach]

Yes Poco is.

[Venturer]

Poco and I discussed this over PM and I realize that now. And also, to emphasize this, she didn't lose her interest after something I said or did. It was while WE WERE NOT TOGETHER that I detected a loss of interest on her part, not DURING a date.

 

I just don't understand what it takes to keep a relationship going, I guess. But I don't want to have to play games to do that.

[Mjane]

duplicate. had problems posting.

[Mjane]

Venturer, your question has been pretty much answered by Msnak and Mjane. They felt there was a better match out there for them and left. Telling you why they left is adding much more drama to the situation than they want to deal with. It is easier on them to just leave.

I just want to clarify... I've never disappeared on anyone... I always END a relationship. It's a really hard thing to do and I most recently told a guy in July... we only went on two dates... but I told him I didn't see a future with him. I don't mislead people. And I don't just hope that he'll get the hint if I never answer the phone or call him again.

I had a guy do that to me earlier this year... he didn't have the GUTS to end it. And I gave him the opportunity a couple of times and he never took it.

I think guys-girls-aliens who break up with people by disappearing are some of the biggest COWARDS on this planet. It's much crueller than actually breaking up with someone and it takes longer to get over.