what should I do...

[Dogg]

I have been in a relationship for a little over three years. To make a long story short, it had been very rocky for at least the last year during which we had some MAJOR fights, a three month break-up, some more fights a few small break ups before finally amounting to our last breakup a little over a week ago that came "out of the blue" menaing that there was no fight or argument that led up to it. She came over to my house and we were planning on going out, when I got out of the shower, she hit me with "I just don't think that this is going to work, I feel like there is something missing!!!!" this hit me like a ton of bricks because I was not expecting it at all. I love her and I want her in my life more than anything. The time that we had brokn up for over three months, I worked sooo hard to get her back, I did everything possible to change myself and the things about me that were causeing her to question our love for each other. I literally did everything under the sun for us to get back together. It worked, but I just don't feel like it was really the same, I felt that she was never really able to get over things from the past and move on and be happy and she has admitted this as well. The last few times that she had broken up with me, she would say the same things, then we would not speak for a few days or maybe just one day and then she would always be the one calling me asking if I wanted to do something or come over or whatever. Of course, I did. Anyway, this time like I said she broke up with me again out of the blue stating the same reasons. She said that she needs time to figure things out (whatever that means) she wants to see if she can actually continue in this relationship with me. She said that the way that things were going were not good and that she was unhappy because there are still times when she thinks about the past. I told her that I loved her and that if she needed time that I would have no choice other than to give her that time...that was a little more than a week ago and I have not had ANY contact with her since. Its killing me not to talk to her and be with her but I have tried to keep myself busy hoping that she will call. I did howvere speak to her father only because he and I had a very good relationship and are interested in many of the same things, I called him up to report to him that I had sold my car and he began asking ME what twas going on with is daughter and myself and why he had not seen me around in a while. Apparently he had no idea that she had broken up with me. I did not go into great detail about what happened, justthat she had broken up with me and that she said that she needed time to "figure" things out and that I hoped that things would all work out for us in the end. That was it. He didn't say much in return and I did not expect him too. Anyway, I miss her to death and Love her with all my heart but I feel as though this time apart so that she can "figure things out" will only serve to put more distance between us that will eventually lead to the true and utter demise of the relationship for good. I do not think that I can have that for I would marry this girl in a second if I had the chance she is my everyhting and I enjoy her so much. I know that she loves me, and I know that I love her, I just do not know what to do. I realize that things had not been going perfectly between us for a while, but I truly feel that is because she refuses to let her guard down and even more so refuses to let go of the past bull crap and move foreward. What should I do, I want to talk to her, I want to contact her, but I do not want to risk losing her or puching her away. What do I do? I love her with all my heart and I do see a great future together with her, or at least, thats what I want...help

[nataliejulie]

I, too, know the troubles of being with someone who has a lot of resentment build in the relationship.

 

And sweetheart, I don't know the real answer... no one here will. Only her. She is the only person that can decide what makes her happy. By being in her life during this time, only will cause more confusion on both your parts... and lead you to suffering in limbo.

 

No one wants to be in a rocky relationship. And I'm pretty sure when someone says "Something is missing" in the midst of a rocky relationship, it means that the spark is gone.. that innocense is gone.. that happiness is damaged. I'm not saying it's not REPAIRABLE, but she has to be willing to let go of the past. If she doesn't, this relationship will just lead into the same pattern..... breaking up, space, breaking up, getting back together, etc. There is no way to change her mind besides her. Anyone who has enough resentment like that needs to let go of it themselves. I constantly tell my ex, "WHY can't you just LET yourself be HAPPY?"

 

I say, use some NC and give her time to leap over the hurdle. If she cannot, this relationship cannot be saved and will be even more damaged in the long run.

[Mrocza]

I agree with what nataliejulie said....you can't really change anything about your situation because it is your choice, and I'm sure you've worked hard to prove the extent of your love for her, but she just can't let it go.

 

What exactly happened though that she can't let go of?? Because oftentimes, when theres a loss of trust it's really hard to build it back when there is resentment. Whatever the issue is, just give her some time. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know that may be irrelevant to say since you KNOW that and you're frantic with missing her now, but there's nothing YOU can do at this point but wait it out.

[Dogg]

I never cheated on her if thats what you meant. I would never ever do that to anyone because I knwo how it feels. All that I thik that she is holding on to from the past is the fact that we have had some major fights before, Over nothing in particular, which is why they are just so damn stupid. we are and have always been so very thick headed about things that almost anything had the potential to turn in to an argument. I feel like for a ahile now, we had bith been at each others throats or would just get instantly defensive when there was no reason too. What I do not get though, is how NC will make anything better, won't it just lead to groing farther apart? I will keep up with the NC rule only cause I really have nothing to say to her anyway right now. ADVICE PLEASE>>>

[Jjasonn28]

I know exactly how you feel. The more time I spend reading these posts the more sense relationships seem to make to me. I am going through a fairly similar situation.

 

She has walls built up, resentments and anger that she cant get past. In the beginning, whey you two first met, there was nothing to hide. Nothing shielding your shared desire to give and receive of eachother. But, in every relationship, hardships and 'bumps in the road' are going to happen. It says something about your character, that you are willing to work through these tribulations and become better together because of it. Unfortunately, she has to feel the same way, or you will just continue to keep torturing yourself.

 

I understand your fear of NC and the distance. You feel like the more time you dont spend fighting for her, the quicker any feelings she has for you will dissolve. That is such an aweful feeling, trust me man, I know where you are. But I will just give you the advice that 99% of people here at enotalone have given me.

 

Give her space. You are doing a GOOD thing by sticking to NC. No matter how wrong it feels, and how much it hurts, its the only way. Time and space may be what she needs to deal with her issues. There is no guarentee with NC. But one thing is for sure, the sooner you understand that you need to do things for YOU, the better it will be for both of you. Regardless of how it turns out.

 

I sincerely hope that you two can find that love together again. Nothing on earth hurts more than a broken heart. Keep your head up. And stay strong.

 

JP

[Dogg]

Thanks for all of your support and advice. Here is another quick question that I have or two or three I'm not sure yet...

 

One of the things that she finds to be EXTREMELY important and has always spoke about meaning a lot to her are holidays. Now I find myself in a major predicament here, November is obviously thanksgiving which is one of theose holidays that I had spent with her and her family for the past few years. Then we have A whole lot of things happening in December, first, her birthday is on the 8th, then, what would have been our three year anniversary is the 20th, then christmas which I have spent with her then new years eve. What do I do about al of this stuff? how do I handle NC in these situations, do I continue with NC in full force, do I write a quick note, make a quick call, WHAT? I am hoping that I will not need to worry about this much longer and that everything will work out, but I don't want to make her ANGRY with me because I don't call her on the holidays or whatever.

 

Also, is there anything that I can do to make her remember the good times that we had together because they were numerous. Anything that will remind her of the reasons that we got together in the first place? Aything at all or any way that I can get feedback about what she is thinking. Maybe talk to her father or mother I don't know...

 

How long does NC go for before I should just give up completely. Her mother said (when we first broke up about a week or so ago) that she just needs time to figure things out in her own mind, and that her problem with not letting things go is something that she realizes and that has always been a problem and has always caused stress upon relationships whether they be family or romantic ones. Her mother also said that she (my ex-girl) knows that she has to actually you know what I'll just copy what her mother said from the email and put it in so here it is...

 

My name,

As far as you trying, you are right, you have really tried to make things work. At this point, I can really say it is not you. If this is going to work, my daughter has to really sit down and put the past behind her. She thinks too much and can't get over things,but this is way that she has always been with everything, even with us. This can really put a toll on a relationahip. She has to change, in order to make your lives happier and she realizes this. This relationship should be happy and stress free. Too many little things get each of you on the defensive. This shouldn't be. Your backs are always up and this isn't the way a relationship should be. All she wants to do is take a step back, really think things out instead of waiting for another year to go by. This is supposed to be for the better, either way. You 2 cannot go on like this.

 

There it was, the last bit of contact that I had aside from when I spoke to her father about my old car...thats it, I took it as a good letter, but I htink that I may have forced myself to believe it was good...any other interpretations...

[chaos]

I'm in something of the same boat. My ex and I had a huge fight 8+ months ago and we almost broke up, over something pretty stupid. She, apparently, never got over it, as she listed it as one of the things that started the death of her love for me. I thought we'd forgiven eachother and had moved on. But her... she let every little thing that happened that she didn't like build up and build up until she finally left me. She never really talked about it, she never told me she was having trouble getting over that fight. She never really talked to me at all. The first week and a half I tried to get her back, telling her I'd change, etc. It's been three weeks now and still no interest from her in getting back together. I'm not waiting for her, I'm moving on as if we'll never get back together. But, I can't stop hoping she'll come back. In my ex's case, and maybe yours too, I think she was just confused. I think a lot of the reasons she gave me for the breakup were bogus. I don't even know if she really knows the real reason. I honestly hope she takes this time to figure her life out and find out what she really wants. Maybe it'll be me, I just hope, if it is, it's not too late.

[moondog627]

NC straight thru the holidays. Stay strong. It will get easier once the holidays pass.

 

There is no need to remind someone of good times past. The ex's do remember. Don't speak to anyone connected to her. It will get back to her that you're asking about her and the last thing she deserves is your attention. While she most likely remembers the past, it could take a while for her to appreciate it (if she does at all). Either way don't dwell on it. That will only hold back the healing process.

 

NC should be something that you see as a permanent solution, not short-term. Give up completely, let go. I know it's hard. Think of it this way, would you really want to be with someone that you had to convince to come back? I wouldn't. Don't listen to the mother. My ex's mother said that my ex was confused and the mom practically begged me if her daughter could call me back in 6 months. That doesn't mean sh*t though. If I listened to the mom I would just be counting the days. The only person that matters is the ex and what actions they take or don't take.

 

Stick with NC. Any form of contact will hurt you. You will feel so much better/stronger once you make it thru this very difficult time coming up with the holidays and all.

[Jjasonn28]

Dogg, you are feeling the exact same things I am. I question the very same things you do. Holidays especially are tough. In my situation, her birthday is in 2 weeks, and I too am agonizing over wether I should at least send a happy birthday card.

 

Reading your posts is helping me to better understand my situation. Its easy for me to give you advice on what I see as best for you, but hard for me to grasp that same advice as its related to myself.

 

I guess first you must understand that NC is a tool for you. It is the first step to start YOUR healing process. You will only end up hurting yourself more, if you approach NC expecting it to fix things. There is no timeline associated with it. Take it one day at a time, and try (as hard as it may be) to put her out of your mind. You need to concentrate on yourself.

 

As for the holidays. I dont know what to say. Some would say dont bother, even on her birthday. I have a hard time swallowing that myself, as birthdays are the ONLY holiday I ever celebrated with the gf. or ex.. But that is in a couple weeks, and in your case a month or so away. If you stick to NC, in a month, the answer may be more clear for you. I know you dont want to hurt her, and it feels like you may be pushing her away by not sending her your wishes, but remember, she wanted the space. She knows how you feel. She DOES remember the good times, and she wont forget it. She doesn't need a reminder of why you got together in the first place. She still loves you, and the time and space will make her think about these good things more. Thats the point. With you in her life, pushing this on her, wont give her the chance to understand it as much as if you are not in her life.

 

And as for her mothers email to you, dont try to overanalyze it. It seems that she is being supportive and honest with you. Give her time, and space. She needs to work things out for herself, before things can get better.

 

Thats about it. Remember, there are others going through very similar situations as you. Reading how others are coping, has helped me tremendously. A week ago, I couldnt eat, sleep or find motivation to do anything but torture myself. Today, I am still heartbroken, but am dealing with things much better.

 

Stay strong!!

 

jp

[sukerbut]

dog i am as well going through the same thing...my girl started putting up a wall mid aug..we went on vacation came back and i picked a small fight with her when we got back..nothing major..for me anyways i said my i am sorries and i thought it was over..that fight was the building blockl of our destruction...every time we would bicker about something another brick would be installed in that wall of hers...evventually she said she did not love me like i love her any more ... plus i am sure during this wall building process she was out searching for her next man...i am a firm believer in the x factor..whenever i would break up with my ex ex i would always have a potentiol suitor on the side..i am sure she had some one..actually i know she did becausse as soon as she broke up with me she was on the phone with her ex boyfriend thaT DUMPED HER 2 months prir to us dating. i tried fighting for her love but only temporaraly because the truth is you can turn blu in the face unless you win the mega millions she aint coming baxck lol. so its been 3 weeks since i have last spoken to her..i am not planning any holiday call s her birthday is in jan as was our anniversary..just drop it and let it go...the more YOU persue the more she wants to run away.. let her be concentrate on yourself and start looking..because you know she is...good luck brothers .. i wish she was still in my life but only for the right reasons.

[sukerbut]

dog i am as well going through the same thing...my girl started putting up a wall mid aug..we went on vacation came back and i picked a small fight with her when we got back..nothing major..for me anyways i said my i am sorries and i thought it was over..that fight was the building blockl of our destruction...every time we would bicker about something another brick would be installed in that wall of hers...evventually she said she did not love me like i love her any more ... plus i am sure during this wall building process she was out searching for her next man...i am a firm believer in the x factor..whenever i would break up with my ex ex i would always have a potentiol suitor on the side..i am sure she had some one..actually i know she did becausse as soon as she broke up with me she was on the phone with her ex boyfriend thaT DUMPED HER 2 months prir to us dating. i tried fighting for her love but only temporaraly because the truth is you can turn blu in the face unless you win the mega millions she aint coming baxck lol. so its been 3 weeks since i have last spoken to her..i am not planning any holiday call s her birthday is in jan as was our anniversary..just drop it and let it go...the more YOU persue the more she wants to run away.. let her be concentrate on yourself and start looking..because you know she is...good luck brothers .. i wish she was still in my life but only for the right reasons.

[Dogg]

I appreciate the advice that ya'll are throwing my way, in a huge way, I guess that writing all of my thoughts and feelings down to all of you is some sort of strange therapy. I try as hard as I can to not think of her and to not analyze stupid things like her mothers letter to me but its nearly impossible. I feel almost like I am cheating myself if I try to go out and do things while convincing myself that I'm not still madly in love with her because lord knows that i am. I truly have no desire to be with anyone else at this time. I force myself to go out and to do things but is it really healing or moving on for that matter when its forced? I don't know...Asside from the NC rule, is there anything else that I could do that would maybe increase my chances of getting her back? Anything at all? Anything? I constantly wonder what she is up to and what she is thinking and whether or not she is actually trying to "figure" things out like she and her mother said or if she was simply just saying that to try and ease my pain...I don't know...Sometimes I feel all of these hopes and dreams are relevent and that they are worth keeping and then other times I just don't know. Should I keep up with the NC no matter what because I have looked at some other sites and advice colomns that say not to stay away completely but to shoot her a quick email sometime just to say whats up but I do not want to do that if it will hurt my chances of getting her back. I guess I am at a complete stand still. Does anyone have any advice on this issue?

 

Is there anyone out there who has gotten back with their ex that has anything good to say about things? WHAT DO I DO???????? WHAT IS SHE THINKING RIGHT NOW AND IS SHE "REALLY" trying to "FIGURE THINGS OUT?"

[nataliejulie]

Is there anyone out there who has gotten back with their ex that has anything good to say about things? WHAT DO I DO???????? WHAT IS SHE THINKING RIGHT NOW AND IS SHE "REALLY" trying to "FIGURE THINGS OUT?"

 

I got back with my ex. He had the wall built up. All the fighting, the drama built this huge resentment in his life towards his view on me and the relationship. Things actually were great till recently, know why? He can't forgive and he can't forget. That wall he built as yet again, ruining us. Try to stay calm, save yourself from more pain and let her be on her own right now for the best of you.

[heloladies21]

Stay in NC. It will give her the time to figure out what she really wants and let your emotions cool so you can handle the situation. And if she wants back in, don't give her a wide open invitation. She's going to have to prove to you that she won't pull this again.

 

And stop trying to be the perfect bf. Girls don't want that. They want someone real with the flaws included. Stop changing who you are for her. Start talking to some other chicks. It will put you in the right frame of mind.

[moondog627]

Heloladies really cracks me up every time he says "start talking to other girls" every time someone needs advice. Let me say this though, from first-hand experience, it does help A LOT. I couldn't do it effectively at first (after the break-up) but now I'm getting back in the groove and talking to a few females. It helps with the healing process like you'll never believe. You'll feel desired again and your confidence will skyrocket. Listen to Heloladies and just be yourself. If somebody doesn't like you for who you are then "f*ck em" and move on. And definitely START TALKING TO OTHER WOMEN!