continuation of "losing interest" ..he is so cheap

[teacup]

well we had a short spat about money and paying. i feel very unhappy because i think he is so damn cheap and stingy and it makes me really uncomfortable. it makes me feel worthless and unvaluable and not treated right.

 

today i picked him up (because he cant drive and has a suspended license) and we were going to go someplace nice to go to the bookstore (cuz he hasnt been in a bookstore for months) and walk around. i stopped by this bubble tea place and i asked him if he wanted one and i offered to buy him one. so i bought us both bubble tea. then we went to the nice place and walked around. he had asked in his apartment if i was hungry and i said i was, i said i hadnt eaten all day and i had been running around. he said he wasnt hungry and that he just wanted a hot dog when we got to the theater (because i had asked him to plan the day and he said movie after walking around). i wanted to go someplace to eat but the line at the restaurant was over an hour and he said he wasnt going to eat anyways. so i was upset because i felt he was saying he wasnt going to eat because he didnt want to pick up the tab (even though he hadnt had dinner yet). and he kept saying he just wanted a hot dog.

 

so finally i got upset and gave up looking for any restaurant and just drove to the movie theater in silence. out of the car in the parking lot we paused, i told him he was cheap. and he was angry and turned silent and rather cold. i cant stand ppl being angry with me so after a few minutes standing there debating whether we should just go back to his place or watch a movie. i apologized. (why did i apologize?) and we made up and walked back to some restaurant and he bought dinner (i ordered one of the cheapest things on the menu). i told him it was because i didnt want to be mistreated by men etc. etc.

 

when after dinner we went to a movie, but he basically MADE me get the movie theater tickets and pay for them. inside he bought himself a bottle of water and i had to give him a quarter for the water (because he was short a quarter). and he didnt offer me anything from the concession stand or anything. he told me to pick the movie and i picked a movie that i had already seen before but that i knew he really wanted to see. (so i saw it twice but there was something else i would have liked to watch).

 

anyways, he's horribly cheap and i feel really sad. i really like him but i dont want to be treated this way. he says when he was with his ex he spent 30,000 on her for 2 years and he just wants his 30,000 back. well, you know what? im not his ex and this is really early me getting to know him and i dont want to or deserve to be treated this way. i feel so horrible and at this point i feel like bursting into tears.

 

i feel like im not worth anything and that a few dollars is more important to him than me or even liking me. i make all these concessions to him and overlook his imperfections.

 

plus in asian culture, you are NEVER ever supposed to pay for a man. it is not done, it is shamed and frowned upon. any asian guy knows this. so i was really uncomfortable to do so. and it made me go against a cultural value.

 

i just want to cry because im a generous person and i took him places he wanted to go and he treats me fine in other ways but this is something that truly upsets me. i dont financially use men but i still deserve some courtesy, respect and gentlemanly protocol and this is social manners at least in the very beginning. i just think he doesnt have a good attitude about money, he's cheap to me and he's a selfish person who thinks more about his own needs and wants.

 

i have to stop seeing him because i have never been treated this way and i just feel horrible. i feel really awful.

 

he thinks that my family is well off and he knows i live at home and dont have to pay rent. but he rents and has to pay bills. but the thing is my dad is unemployed and we arent doing well financially and i dont want to stress my parents out financially. i am worried enough about finances as it is......im not looking for someone to pay my way but neither can i handle this kind of stinginess.

 

but i think this is the end or very close to the end because i cant handle it and he's probably too cheap to understand my point of view either.

[DN]

If you want a man to spend money on you, then you had better find another man more willing to comform to your cultural norms. But do be aware that he may well expect you to conform to them in other ways, in particular any that happen to work against women's equality.

[Hope75]

Hasn't this man been poor to you in other ways as well?

 

You know that we only get the treatment that we accept. If he isn't making you happy than maybe you need to rethink the relationship?

[teacup]

yes.......im trying to make a decision. and i think that it has to be to let him go......i feel so unhappy. but i like him so much and i will miss him so much.

 

i could handle it if we split the bill but that he paid sometimes. but i cannot pay for him and me (i just cant do it). i spent 6 years in an abusive relationship where i paid everything for abusive X and ME and i dug a huge hole in my wallet and it was horrible. this is in addition to the cultural thing that says women should never pay and i paid for this enough in the abusive relationship. so it is already a big thing for me to split it.

 

plus any of the asian guys i have been out with (who make less than him) have been far far more generous with money (offering me things). even though i didnt feel a connection and didnt want to see them anymore.

 

i feel so miserable. his stinginess makes me feel like im not worth it. look how much he spent on his x, i guess i cant compare. and him letting me know that he spent 30,000 on the ex over 2 years, i feel worse than ever. haha.

 

quick, someone talk some sense into me. convince me to stop seeing him no matter how much i care.

[novaseeker]

Again, people are going to feel mixed about what you have written because of the emphasis on money and 'Asian values' and so forth ... but my $0.02 is that you should realize you're on different pages from this guy, he isn't offering what you want/like/expect/value in a man, and end the relationship ... move on to find someone else who is more compatible with what you are looking for and are comfortable with.

[arwen]

Teacup,

 

I really feel like dating this guy doesn't give you any pleasure. Why on earth would you continue going out with him? Suppose you are madly in love with the guy. I think you wouldn't even notice his 'cheapness'. Who knows he just doesn't have any money to spend or has different ideas about spending it. Either way, like novaseeker said, you two are on very different pages.

 

If you want a guy to pay more for you, move on and date someone else. There CAN be cultural differences. I know the reputation of my folk, and yes, I often find myself splitting the bills, or paying in turns. I like it that way. I come from a culture where it's normal for a woman to pay for drinks if the man paid for dinner. But there is no fuss about it, it's just that there is no common rule that men should pay for women.

 

I think this particular guy of yours is not only cheap, he wants you to pay things for you that he can pay himself. The essential thing that I miss in your story is what you LIKE about the guy or that he likes you in that special way. Just don't date this guy!

 

Ilse.

[suprema99]

I agree, also in another post you say you have to do all the calling and stuff. I hope your not being selfish in your thinking. Maybe making this an issue is forcing this guy, to not want to pay. Most guys I think don't have a problem paying for you, if they like you. It's when you make an issue of something small like that, that problems start happening. Your pushing your religion or whatever on someone and it's not helping matters I think.

[PavPPZ1]

you need to start paying for everything. I bet he will start paying for you.. Like you said, he has had bad experience with ex gf, now he has made it a rule for himself not to spend any money on girls no matter what. He wsa screwed and now he is being cheap. Its all about reverse psychology. Unless he is lying about his past gf andspending money, he will prolly change his ways. I am sure if you guys start dating things will change.. if you are happy with him try to be patient and see wher it will go. As I believe this is only your 5th date..

 

PS. You should never openly critisize a guy, ie. tell him he's cheap or any other thing. It puts the two of you in a bad place right from the getgo..

 

GL

[annie24]

Oh gosh - I feel like I'm sounding like a broken record now. 5 dates - you've only had 5 dates with him! People in the beginning of their relationship are on their best behavior, and if this is it for him - RUN!

 

I agree with PAVPPZ1 - I don't think you should openly critisize a man (or any person) just like that. So, he explained his reason why he doesn't want to pay. That is fine, I understand where he is coming from. But you don't have to date him if you feel he's cheap!!!

 

i apologized. (why did i apologize?) and we made up and walked back to some restaurant and he bought dinner (i ordered one of the cheapest things on the menu). i told him it was because i didnt want to be mistreated by men etc. etc.

 

when after dinner we went to a movie, but he basically MADE me get the movie theater tickets and pay for them. inside he bought himself a bottle of water and i had to give him a quarter for the water (because he was short a quarter). and he didnt offer me anything from the concession stand or anything. he told me to pick the movie and i picked a movie that i had already seen before but that i knew he really wanted to see. (so i saw it twice but there was something else i would have liked to watch).

 

I don't understand why you are doing this. You ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, let him choose the movie to watch, and are complaining that he didn't get you anything from the concession stand. Dates are supposed to be fun! Did you tell him why you chose that movie, or why you chose the cheapest thing on a menu? I'm sure that it would be a blow to his ego as guys like to know that their date is having a good time, but it seems like you were trying to make it obvious to him that you didn't enjoy his company one bit.

 

Dating is filled with "niceties." He should pay on the first few dates or open the door only because he wants to. You can't tell someone that they have to pay for you! That's just ... gold-digger-ish. During the date, it's just better to make a mental note that he's cheap, and then just never go out with him again!

 

I too have had guys critisize me in the early stages of a relationship - it just made me feel like, "ok - you don't like this or this or that about me. So why are you with me?" And I broke things off.

 

So, I guess the list is now that he has a drinking problem, is cheap, never calls you, and has his license revoked. Why are you still figuruing out if you want to date him!?!?!?

[suprema99]

That's true about the niceties. lol I would pay for her though in a heartbeat, unless she made me feel on the first date she had some weird money issues, that might come to play or any other issues, maybe in the future .Not saying that to be a jerk, but that show's how fake, niceties" are in the beginning.

[Jadtt]

Teacup,

 

I've been following your posts and I just have to say one thing:

 

It just doesn't sound like this relationship is going to work, I really hate to say this to you. If you have these feelings and issues, then just let him go. I know that it is hard, and that you think that you will miss him. You probably will for a little while, but there is someone out there for you that is "right".

 

Let him go, it will be better for you!

 

You know, when I went through a break-up I focused on one quote I read in a magazine. Jennifer Aniston gave a great interview in Vanity Fair. She was asked if she was upset about the dissolution of her marriage. She said "Yes. However, I know right now that somewhere the right man is out there for me, walking down a street somewhere, and that gives me hope". I just thought it was really cool that she was focusing on being positive in such a horrible situation.

 

Take faith in the fact that if people can make it through divorce, or even the death of a spouse, you will have the strength inside of you to move on and find the love of your life.

 

Good luck!

[annie24]

"Yes. However, I know right now that somewhere the right man is out there for me, walking down a street somewhere, and that gives me hope".

 

Wow - that is a great quote! I love Jen Aniston! Yeah, why settle for a man that doesn't meet up to your standards when Mr. Right is out there somewhere?

[teacup]

sigh.......