Anyone with kids?, please help.....

[Smarie]

My boyfriend has a son that is almost 4 years old and still drinks out of a bottle. We argue about this QUITE often, and really has our relationship torn sometimes, only because it leads to other things.

 

We are constantly fighting about the bottle because I do not want him to have it. He has it when he goes to bed at night, has it when he takes naps, and sometimes he will say that he is tired so he can get a bottle so he doesnt have to eat dinner. Then after his bottle he gets right back up again.

 

My boyfriend and I fight about this because he says it is ok because after he is done with his bottle, he takes it out of his mouth. That way it wont hurt his teeth. He tells me not to tell him how to raise his son and I am not his mother. He chose not to take him off the bottle sooner because his mother let him and his brothers have a bottle until whenever they wanted, and they got rid of it when they wanted to. He keeps telling me that he will get rid of it when he wants too.

 

Now maybe I am wrong about this, but my boyfriend constantly tells me that I dont know what I am talking about because I dont have any kids etc. etc.

 

Not that I am trying to make this a *whos right* *whos wrong*, but what is the *right* way. I know sometimes a bottle can mess up your teeth, but my boyfriend says that why he pulls it out of his mouth when hes done.

 

Can anyone help me?!?! Please?!?!?

[RandomAdvisor]

It does sound strange, but harmless. He's right, you're not the child's mother and you shouldn't be telling him how to raise his son. I can understand giving advice, but if he doesn't want to hear it, he doesn't want to hear it. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just let it go.

[avman]

Well I don't think this is a good idea. Children should not be drinking out of a bottle at age 4. That's not showing very good progression and your boyfriend and the child's mother need to work on getting him out of that habit. The child is also substituting the bottle for solid meals and that's not a good idea at age 4.

 

However as some_guy said, you aren't his mother. So it really isn't up to you and you can't tell him how to raise his son. But I would say this is a bit of a reflection of your boyfriend's parenting skills and you would want to take that into consideration when you look long term at your relationship.

[RandomAdvisor]

However as some_guy said, you aren't his mother. So it really isn't up to you and you can't tell him how to raise his son. But I would say this is a bit of a reflection of your boyfriend's parenting skills and you would want to take that into consideration when you look long term at your relationship.

 

I was thinking the same. This child isn't hers, but if she stays with him long enough she might get one that is. It's already looking like their parenting styles are different. Something to think about.

[DN]

link removed

 

This article says that prolonged bottle feeding can lead to being overweight. But this is really not something you should be arguing about in the way you are. It has turned into some sort of power struggle between you and no one is going to win. I think you should let him know the downside of what is happening and then let it go.

 

In future, you may find it beneficial to discuss things more rationally rather then let them escalate the way this issue has.

[Minty80]

I'm gonna out myself as a true weirdo right now. With my children I followed a type of parenting generally referred to as Attachment Parenting. The basis of it is letting a child move at their own pace and maintaining closeness. There is one part that applies here though, and that has to do with weaning (whether from breastfeeding or bottle).

 

An interesting little note, the worldwide average for children weaning is 3 - 5 years and anthropologists figure that the average age for human weaning should be anywhere up to 7 years old (has to do with brain development, teeth coming in, that sort of thing). My son nursed until he was a bit past 4 years old when he stopped and my daughter was a bit over three. Both of them stopped on their own when they decided that they were ready.

 

I don't see the bottle as being any different. He really will stop when he is ready and frankly, I'm firmly of a belief that children do not need to be pushed to be independent and will do so when they are emotionally ready. I've seen it happen over and over again in my children and children of my friends. So really what her boyfriend is doing is different from mainstream parenting but has studies that attest to it being an effective method.

 

To deal with the bottle before meals and the teeth/obesity issue I'd say suggest to your boyfriend only filling the bottle with water from now on. The child will still be getting his needs met and the risks from using a bottle will be lowered/removed.

 

I also agree with the other posters, this is your boyfriends son and frankly he has finally say in parenting matters. Especially in parenting issues that don't actually effect you or the relationship. My boyfriend will occasionally make suggestions regarding my children and I do take them into consideration but he also realizes that these are my kids and he has to accept my final decision. The fact that he can do that is one of the things I appreciate about him.

[RooferGirl23]

my son will be 2 next month and the bottle is gone. He gets upset, of course, beacuse he used the bottle as a "comfort" as well as a drinking source. Children have to know from the start that YOU are the boss, that when you say no bottle, thats what it means. it sounds like they are giving into him just to not have him fuss. The child will learn he has the control, and thats not good.

[RayKay]

I don't have children BUT...

 

Minty is correct in that worldwide, many children are still nursing from their mothers at that age....for both health, financial and cultural reasons. I was nursed until I was about 2 (later on this also included solid food and bottles but supplemented with nursing) and decided myself I had enough. Whether it has anything to do with fact I am rarely ill I have no idea , but I don't see it as abnormal. I think someone can choose to breastfeed for 6 months or 2 years, and that is their choice, and depends also on the CHILDS development.

 

Same with bottle nursing. I don't see the bottle as terribly different in that regard and children move at their own pace usually, unless they are developmentally behind for some reason.

 

At 4, he will as he begins to socialize with others move away from it himself.

 

I really do also agree with the other posters that as the girlfriend, you have no say in how he chooses to wean his child, this is between him and the mother. It is not something that is going to physically endanger the child or put him into harms way, and you really should stay out of it from that standpoint. While you can be a good role model to the child, you are not the parent..it's a strange, fine line. I think this is being turned into a bigger issue then it needed to of been, or is perhaps a coverup for other issues that are really the ones that are problematic.

 

However, I would look at this as a sign of perhaps different parenting styles - of you two have children one day it can be a source of conflict so you would need to discuss it, especially since it may mean YOUR children will not be able to do the same things HIS child does, or they may be raised differently which can add complications.

 

I do suggest the water idea though, if there is JUST water in it, it won't fill him up, provide him with tons of empty calories, and he will still want other substantial food.

[bemyself]

If you were the parent of that 4 year old, would you want your significant other (who is not a parent) to tell you how to feed your child? It's not worth fighting over something like that. When your boyfriend takes his child to his pediatrician visits, then let the pediatrician talk to your boyfriend about his 4 year old child feeding on the bottle. Most people will believe what the pediatrician will say, because they know that their expertise is in caring for children.

[sand_hide]

Age has nothing to do with it. No one can force a child to progress to a new more mature level in life. THe child associates the bottle with comfort. all children until 3-5 years of age need to have some sort of sucking reflex and if surpressed can cause problems. People always say to switch to a sippy cup but that only fixes what everyone else sees as socially acceptable. It is still a rubber tip with the same substance inside. The only problem is the milk or juice at night time. I started watering my daughters bottles down more and more each week until it was half and half. After 3 weeks he COULD start taking his non-sleep time bottles out, then reduce any day bottles to only half and just keep working in that direction. You are then encouraging it without just taking this child's comfort away. If he doesn't have a pacifier like most kids, this is his sucking thing. Most kids with stress take longer. His parents not being together is that stress. I actually think it is great that his parents agree on this. even if it isn't the best thing, it isn't detrimental and it is one less thing for them to fight over. that is best for his son in the long run.

[sonjam]

Im with Minty on this one.

 

First and foremost, yes you are not the childs parent, or even stepmother, so how the father and mother decided to raise the child, and still does really have NOTHING to do with you.

 

Secondly, this child obviously regressed back to this behaviour because of some setback (probably the divorce and him feeling insecure - around you and his dad most probably). Children need their "comfort" things like binkies and blankets and bottles, to help them feel secure and comforted in a big and ugly and scary world. Every child progresses at a different rate, and if you take their "comfort" things away because YOU ARE THE BOSS, or whatever you are doing your child and injustice and stand the risk of having the child grow up into an insecure adult.

 

He's not doing his teeth harm by only drinking his bottle and then putting it down, same as you would not be doing your teeth any harm from drinking out of a straw!! If the behaviour includes asking for the bottle, and then getting up, and this means missing a meal, I suggest his dad puts down a restriction on the bottle till after he's had supper.

 

Next I would advise you to stop your power struggles with the childs parent, and stop trying to take over raising him, and rather try bonding with him, and becoming better at understanding him and his parents. That way you can be beneficial in this childs upbringing, rather than causing undue conflict, which inadvertantly will lead to more insecure feelings from the child.

[CHINOOKA]

I agree with Minty about the larger view on how long a child should bottle (or breast feed) and I really agree with offline guy that the parenting syle differences will lead to later problems. What other differences do you have that could lead to disaster?

[cuda1972]

I agree with you, but hope this helps. Taken from:

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The Pediatrician Answers:

Pediatricians generally advise a child to be off a feeding bottle completely by 12 months of age. The easiest way to do this is to never put cow milk into the bottle as they are changing from artificial baby milks or breast milk to whole cow milk at the end of the first year.

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Continued bottle use tends to decrease food intake and can cause dental caries and dental arch malformations. You can put nothing but plain water in his bottle and give all other liquids by cup as a transition measure. He may fuss transiently, but it is time to get rid of the bottle. [/b]