Where did my anger go??

[lulu04]

Hi everyone--

I've posted a few times about my ex-fiance who left me out of the blue 2 months ago with a letter while I was at work. We were together for 6 years, and I have been struggling consistently since this happened, as I still love him very much.

 

I did NC for a month, during which time he called about once a week and left messages saying he wanted to talk, to see how I was, one message said he wanted to "fix things & make things better" -- I always felt the messages were somewhat vague & didn't know what to make of them.

Finally the "limbo" got to me - - I was feeling so anxious about it all that I decided to call him.

 

We had a good talk last mon. on the phone for 45 min -- he said he had gotten a lot of perspective & wanted to see me to tell me about it. We met last Wed. and it was so awkward & sad & hard --- long story short, I felt like he really didn't share anything with me except that he was happier when he was with me, wasn't sure if he wanted to come back but was equally unsure that he didn't want to. He isn't seeing anyone, but he was very concerned that I was. (which I'm not).

 

Finally, I told him we had to come back to our place to get papers for him to sign for our cell phone separation. When we got here, he cried and I cried for a long time. It was very painful. He said "you should see where I'm living" -- like he's living in squalor -- but it was HIS CHOICE!!! I can't understand if he's so miserable, then why doesn't he want to come back?? He also told me that he was thinking about killing himself 2 weeks ago when he thought he had lost me forever. ????? what is this???

 

ANyway, it got late & he said he didn't want to stop the conversation, but put it on pause. I asked him if he would like to take some more of his things with him, or should i box them up, and he said no. My point of this post (besides venting) is that since seeing him I feel my emotions are so complicated, so confused -- I seem to have lost the anger I was feeling that was helping to give me strength. Now I am just sad again, missing him, wanting him back, and confused. On top of it all, I am worrying that he will hurt himself & feeling sorry for him that HE is sad!!! I must be crazy. He says he loves me & will never love anyone like me. I haven't heard from him since last week.

 

What is going on here? any insight, guys?? Why doesn't he want his things? It is getting cold & all of his sweaters & winter things are still here, along with his cds, books, etc. If he wanted me back, why doesn't he come back?? and most importantly, what do I do now? I need to stop feeling so wrecked every day, it is killing me. But I don't want to let him go. I seem to have forgotten my anger towards him & can only focus on the good times we had. Please, I feel desperate for any help or thoughts or encouragement.

 

thanks for listening....

[Serendipity1607307077]

If he left you without justification and wasn't even prepared to talk to you about it before you broke up then perhaps he didn't feel ready for a commitment. He may have flipped out from being engaged and was scared about marriage and things like that (let's face it, a lot of guys are scared).

 

Maybe he wants to leave his things with you in the hope that you will take him back, but he hurt you in the first place with his leaving - what if he does it again?

 

Have you asked him why he left you in the first place? If you do want to get back with him, maybe ask him what made him leave, and what you can do to stop that from happening again.

 

To me it just sounds like he isn't quite sure what he wants out of his life and isn't sure if he is ready for committment. Talk to him directly about it, get him to open up.

[lulu04]

Thanks for your quick response, serendipity.

 

As far as the commitment thing goes, it's possible, but we have been engaged for 4 years, so.....I would think this would have come up before now. I never pushed for a wedding too much as I wasn't that "into" the whole idea of marriage -- it was more important to me to know I had a committed partner (or so I thought) and I always thought of marriage as more of a legality. I guess I may reconsider the importance of this in the future.

 

Anyway, when I ask why he did what he did, he says "it was the only thing I could think of to do" or "it was all I could do" -- seriously, he really doesn't have any answers for anything. lots of silence or "i don't knows". He turned 30 in Apr. which was a really big deal for him; he feels he has failed in life and seems to be blaming that on our relationship. I honestly have done nothing but tried to be encouraging to him in whatever he felt he wanted. I try to explain to him that our relationship isn't to blame for our own issues w./career, etc., but it is like talking to a wall. He has also been drinking a lot since we broke up, i know.

 

I feel like i shouldn't want him back, but I totally do. But you are right, what if he did it again? How can I trust this person? On the other hand, it is clear he is going through a breakdown/severe depression & I want to help. I know I can't save him, but I can't understand why he would shut me out at this time. I don't know if I miss him, or us or being with someone, or am I just scared of being alone forever? Our connection was immediate & very powerful and I am afraid I will never find that again. I am not sure how to proceed, if I should call him, let him call,what next?? what am I looking for? this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through and it is seriously messing me up.

[Serendipity1607307077]

If he can't give you a straight answer as to why he broke up with you, it seems a bit odd in that he shouldn't be afraid to tell you why.. in a relationship communication is one of the most important factors - it almost seems like he has something to hide from you.

 

Ahhh I see - it looks like he has had a mid-life crisis. I think this is the problem. He is upset because he feels like has achieved nothing, but it looks like he is blaming it on your relationship "just because" he can't bring himself to accept his mistakes and problems. Don't let him blame it on your relationship - if you have done nothing but be supportive to him and the choices he has made, then it is not your fault!

 

Him drinking is a problem and he should probably see a counsellor or something - he is only 30, he has plenty of time to find a direction for himself.

 

Despite the hurt he has caused you I know you still want to be with him, but I am sure that there is still a lot out there for you. You are only 26! Try and move on. Sure, stay as friends if you want to help him, but perhaps tell him it will not go any further than that because of the fact that he ran off like that.

 

I know he shouldn't feel like he can't talk to you, but what if he does? He might think that if he talks to you about his problems, that you might judge him? It does happen a lot - all an illusion of the mind of course.

 

Again, my mind flicks back to him hiding something from you - otherwise I am certain he would be talking to you about his problems - maybe his problems started when he walked out. He might have been with another woman or something, or got into a bad situation, so he wants to talk but can't because it might hurt you? I don't want to scare you or make you anxious, but there is that possibility.

 

Has he always been this closed up with you, or was it only in the months leading to the breakup?

 

I think you are scared that you won't find another person that you had such a high level connection with - but you will. So many people on eNotalone have the same problem, and it happens with all breakups - you feel like a part of you has died inside. I think that even if you get back with him, you won't have that same level of trust or that same level of emotion with him as you did before the breakup, primarily because he did walk off on you.

 

If I were you, I would stay strong and true to myself. You don't deserve to be hurt, no one does, but you need to look out for yourself.

[lulu04]

yeah, i mean I guess it's possible that he has been with someone since he left. If so, I guess it wouldn't hurt me THAT much after all the other stuff I've been through, because I know it is just another means of surpressing at this point -- self-medicating without actually dealing.

I know it would be meaningless. However, I don't think there was anyone else before he left -- I really don't.

 

It truly seems like he totally snapped. He has always had trouble communicating, and tends to walk away in the midst of arguments. He also always felt that we should never argue, that couples should never fight, which we all know is ridiculous. So there is something messed up in that thinking that must be ingrained from his childhood or something. His dad left his mother in an equally painful way, and left her with the financial burden as well, which is why this is so crazy to me -- he always felt like his dad was so cruel to her, but he's doing the same to me!!!

 

I need to talk to him again. I don't know why I feel this way. I need answers, but I know I may never get them. After 6 years, I can't imagine him being out of my life, but I can't be his friend. A friend doesn't treat you like this; if they do you say forget it! Why is that so much harder to do when it comes to a relationship? God, my heart just aches. I can't seem to accept that it is over. Maybe because he doesn't seem sure about that either???

[Serendipity1607307077]

*big hugs*

 

If it is related to his childhood, particularly to when his dad walked out, I know where he's coming from. My dad did the same thing to my mum when I was five (on mum's birthday) and left everything for her to deal with. Even when we don't want to, we quite often find ourselves walking down the same path as our parents..

 

Tell him you do need answers. You have asked him before with no luck. Tell him that it's important you get direct answers because you are sick of him hiding things from you. Tell him it's ok to talk to others about his problems, and that it's not a sign of weakness. You getting answers will help with getting some closure.

 

Remember that people deal with different situations in their own way - I avoid my feelings too, ducking and diving.. I guess that's just one of those things.

[acuraman]

I think your ex is regreting his decision to break up with you. It seemed to me that he thought the grass was greener on the other side and that he would be happier if he found someone else. Well, it looks like that his plan had backfired on him.

 

Now, I think he wants you back, but he doesn't want to be the one who takes the initiative to ask you back. It sounds like he is waiting for you to ask him to come back to you.

 

The reason he doesn't want his things back is because it gives him a reason to see you again. If he had picked those things up, then it would be hard for him to come up with an excuse to see you.

 

Im in the same situation as you are with not being angry at my ex anymore ever since she contacted me a few days ago. Before that, I resented her and that resentment gave me strenght to move on with my life. Right now, her and I are talking a lot and Im getting those feelings back again.

 

All I can say is follow your heart and do what you think is best for you so that you dont get hurt by him again.

[lulu04]

Oh, this is so hard. I can't stand it. I really feel like this has nothing to do with loss of love, or anything like that -- it's just that he's running away from responsibility & being an adult b/c he is freaking out about his life & where it's going. That makes it harder for me because I don't feel like the core of our relationship is "off", rather he has ruined our relationship through these break-up actions & the way he handled it. not sure if this makes sense.

 

I don't know if he wants me back or not. I don't think HE knows. I really don't think he knows the answers to the questions I have. He seems so lost. I did tell him when I saw him that I loved him & he asked if I wanted him back & I said my heart did, but my head said no. WHich is true. I said I didn't know either. SO as far as what is good for me & what I want -- seems like those are 2 different things.

 

What I don't understand is if he really did want me back, why wouldn't he just come and tell me??? Why isn't he on my doorstep with a million roses? and if he doesn't want me back, why doesn't he just get his stuff and let me close the door? Acuraman, I have read lots of your posts. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too, as I feel like it has put me in a more confusing place than any of my prior "stages" up til now. I want to see him again, and need to if we are ever to truly "end" this, but I also can't handle continuing this jerking around or whatever it is. SO what do we do? I thought the lines of communication would be more open, but now he hasn't called and I feel I am back where I started before I did the month of NC -- waiting, wishing to hear from him, almost expecting it.

 

THe worst part is why do I still want him??? WHy can't I just be mad and hate him? Why do I think I will never find anyone better & more importantly, how do I change this pattern of thinking so I can have some hope?

Thanks for listening. I am posting a lot but feel like I'm kind of freaking out again, here we are 2 months later....god....

[Serendipity1607307077]

You can't be mad at him because you still love him...

 

But think about this...

 

In this world, there are "wants" and "needs" - of course two different things, needs being greater than wants. Now, do you want him, or do you need him?

 

I think that you are just better off settling into No Contact until you get over him. He hurt you a lot by doing what he did, and he needs to understand that you need time to get over it....

 

I think you're right, he doesn't know what he wants and is not man enough to grow up and sort himself out. You shouldn't have to pick up the pieces for him honey...

[kellbell]

Hey lulu,

 

I remember you, He is the one you thought had BPD. I am so sorry you are still toiling with this situation. Last time you were here he just took and you couldn't find him. So did he just call you out of the blue, what happened? Hugs to you and I hope you feel better very soon, I know this has been very hard for you.

[lulu04]

hi kellbell, thanks you guys for responding. it really helps me.

 

yeah, he started calling about a month after he took off, once a week or so he would leave 2 messages -- one on my cell & one at home. i did NC for a full month & i could tell it was making him panic, just by the sound of the messages.

 

finally saw him last week & made him come back here so i could give him the papers for the cell phone bill (i'm still even tied to paying for HIS cell) & he informed me that he doesn't have a checking acct. And also didn't want to take his things with him....i mean, I feel like I can't get rid of the relationship even if I wanted to, which I'm not sure I do. Like I said, my anger at his actions seems to have vanished & now I'm left with sadness & loneliness & thinking about our past....

 

i guess i feel like I don't know what is "normal" in a relationship -- i have been in this one for so long -- I really have no faith that there will be someone else that treats me better than him that i have the same connection with. All I seem to hear about are these devastating ways that people treat each other.

[lulu04]

WHY can't I get over this??? I feel like our breakup is just stringing along, dragging along....

when I saw him I asked him if he'd like to take his things that he left in our apt. & he said No. I don't know why. So his things are still here & I don't know if I can handle packing them up. I asked if he would like to just say our goodbyes, and he said no to that as well. He said he wanted to talk again about everything because he doesn't know what he wants -- he said he wanted to "pause" the conversation we were having; not stop it. So that was almost 2 weeks ago. I have heard nothing from him.

 

What is he doing??? Why?? And what do I do now? I am so afraid to let him out of my life. I don't want to. I wish I did want to , but I don't. How do I get to that point, you guys? I mean, he left me after 6 years with a letter while I was at work!! But all I can think of is how great our relationship was & how I thought he was my soulmate....what if I am losing my soulmate?

 

just feel like i don't know how to move on, and don't really want to...

[chaos]

I'm sorry he's doing this to you, it really sucks. But, you have to let him go. It sounds like he's really confused and he may never figure out what it is he wants. All this is doing is prolonging your pain. You need to tell yourself it's over and go on as if that's true, because maybe it is.

 

I know how hard it is, my girlfriend left me 3 weeks ago today and it seems that, lately, I can't stop dreaming about her. I dream we're together then I wake up alone and it sucks. But, I'm going on as if this is the way things are going to be between us from now on. It's over. I think my ex is really confused now too. Sure, she had plenty of excuses for leaving me, but honestly, it's nothing you should ruin a good relationship over. Whether she knows it or not, she's confused and needs to figure out what she wants. Maybe it'll be me, but I can't go on hoping that's what she'll do, no matter how much I want it to be true.

 

Moving on is hard and there's no real way of doing it. You just have to go day by day. You have to learn how to live on your own again and it's going to be a long, painful, lonely, journey, but we can get through it. What other choice do we have?

 

As sad as it may sound, I think I've lost my belief in soulmates. I really don't think there is such a thing. You find someone you're attracted to and they're attracted to you. Maybe you have some things in common, you get to know eachother, fall in love, etc... But no matter what, relationships take work and both partners have to be willing to accept that and do what they can to keep the relationship happy. Soulmates is a romantic ideal that, quite frankly, doesn't exist anywhere. There is no perfect relationship, but there are two people who love eachother enough to work through their differences and who will be there for eachother through everything.

[sadgirl_april]

I think it is totally up to you. If you want him back, there is a lot you can do to get him back. He obviously can't decide yet if he wants to lose you forever. If you step back, he will no doubt push forward. On the other hand, if you push forward, he will hesitate and may even step back, because he can't make up his mind to ask you back, either. I believe he has difficulty making decisions in general (correct me if I am wrong).

 

If you are willing to take the risk, the risk that he may do it again when you and he are very close to commitment, then you just need to sit still and wait for him to come to you. In the mean time, don't put your life on hold, go out and enjoy it. When he is not on your mind constantly, your time goes a lot faster. Before you know it, he is coming back to you!

 

If you don't want to take that risk, you can ask him to give you an explanation of his behavior. Ask him to figure out what he wants first, before he comes to talk to you. Personally, I'd take this approach. I am not much a risk taker.

 

But I think you are the one in charge here. Don't worry. You will get what you want, no matter what that is. Just don't go to him and ask him back first, without hearing something solid (apology, explanation etc.) from him.

[lulu04]

Thanks, guys, for responding. I know he has difficulty making decisions, and so do I. He has apologized for the way he did this, and even said he regretted doing it, and that he was miserable, but has made no further moves. i really don't feel like I am in charge right now, i feel like he is -- what makes you say that I am in charge, sadgirl? I feel like I need to make a move in order to be in charge, but I'm not sure what that is. I'm not good at games. My therapist said I need to call him, but if I have to leave a message then I feel like I'm losing power to him again (waiting for the call back, etc). I also don't know what to say on a message. any thoughts on this?

 

THis is all so crazy. It shouldn't be this hard, should it? I mean, I am all for working for love & I would never abandon a relationship like this, but I don't know if it should be this difficult. I feel like things are wrong either way -- if I let him go, I feel like something is terribly wrong; on the other hand, if I got back together with him.....that feels scary, too. what a mess.

 

I don't feel like I can just sit around and wait for him -- at least not from logistical perspectives : his things are still here & that really eats at me; also I am still paying for his cell phone (on top of all of the other bills he left me with that I can barely afford) and I gave him the paperwork when I last saw him to send in to get his phone in his name, but I don't know what has happened with that yet....so I feel like I need to talk to him again, at least about that stuff. I don't want to see him when he is so confused though, because it just confuses me further. you know? so what do i do next?

[kpow]

lulu,

 

I may not be able to sort my life out right now, but I can give you some perspective on your dilemma. Stay away from this guy. NC. Separate yourself from him. You are right-- if he really wanted you back and had his act together he should be on your doorstep with a million roses. don't settle for anything less. He is obviously confused, lost, and sounds like he doesn't have his life together one bit. let me tell you, coming from someone who has 2 children from men like this--- HE WON'T CHANGE. And the more you entangle your life with him the harder it will be to separate.

 

I am not saying you don't love him. We can't help who we love (although I am beginning to think we can help who we fall in love with at the beginning). But it is unhealthy to the nth degree. Save yourself, girl. Don't go back to him, don't expend another oxygen molecule helping him. He needs to help himself. We all need to help ourselves. You need to heal yourself. Box his sh*t up and leave it somewhere for him to pick up. Cancel the cell phone, or whatever--- I did the EXACT same thing with my ex, just getting the phone back this week!

 

We cannot fix/save these men. They must do it themselves. I feel men like this are parasites-- they go from woman to woman sucking the support out of us until we are shrivelled up, then they go on to the next juicy morsel.

 

I know it is hard. Believe me, I am not the posterchild of NC. But I know, I really know that it is the best way. Please consider my words. Stay strong. We are strong women, and these men are weaker than us, but we can't carry them forever. There is someone out there who doesn't require all of this tending and maintenence. You just need to heal your broken heart first.

[lulu04]

oh, you guys, this is so confusing. kpow, I have followed your story and I'm sorry for all that you have been through. It sounds like you are in a better place now, though, a stronger place. I feel strong sometimes, but many times this still seems so SURREAL and I can't even believe how things are. There was no real decline in our relationship; literally one day things were normal, the next he was gone.

 

I don't know if i am strong enough to just cut off his phone and never have any way to contact him. That seems crazily hard to me. I wish I had any faith that there was someone out there for me who wouldn't treat me badly, but I am afraid I will never feel real love again. I am very lonely, and very lost. and so scared, i can't even begin to describe it. I feel despair a lot of days. I'm lost career-wise, too, and this was the one thing I thought I had "figured out" or was "stable" and now that's gone....

 

i'm so lost.

 

anyway, the worst part about this is that he DID take care of me in certain ways throughout the majority of our relationship -- he was financially helpful and sound, he cooked nice meals for me, he was an emotional support....that's why this is so confusing. It's like that person disappeared. I keep thinking he may come back to his senses....??? I know he isn't proud of who he is right now, and he has said he regretted his decision & the way it was handled, yet doesn't seem to be willing (or able) to rectify that.

[lulu04]

ugh, i don't know what to do with my days. i work evenings, and the days get so hard....

 

i feel low so i don't know how to pursue an additional job, hobby, etc. i seem to talk myself out of everything. the only things i'm really interested in are artistic, and i always think "oh, i'll never make a living at that, so what is the point?" and then I end up doing nothing.

 

this stuff is eating at me too. seems my confidence is completely gone.

 

anyway, my counselor said i should do something this week that "takes the power back" and she suggested either calling him, or putting some of his things in a box. i know there are a lot of big NC supporters here, but it seems that NC does nothing for him but allow him to ignore it all (which he loves) and does nothing to me to help me move on, just leaves me in limbo. if i were to call him, what would i say on a message? any thoughts on this?

[kpow]

lulu,

 

Don't call him-- I can't stress this enough. I am a convert to the temple of NC-- there is no other path to healing. And I am not the best at it-- I still have to talk to ex regarding the kids. And let me tell you, each time I do he is the one in control, and I end of crying in my pillow afterwards. There is nothing good that will come of it for you. If he wants to talk to you, explain himself, make amends, he knows where to find you. You will call him with expectations of getiting answers, love, closure, whatever-- but in all likelihood, none of those things will happen, and you will end of frustrated, angry and rejected.

 

By not contacting him, you are asserting control. Over yourself, over him, over the whole situation. Pack his stuff up-- again you are in control. You will feel better, I promise.

[sadgirl_april]

I agree with kpow. Don't call him. You should not sit and "wait for him". What I mean is you sit and watch him coming to you, while you enjoy your life as if you have decided to move on. I say you are in charge because he has done something very wrong. It is his job to fix the relationship, and it is up to you if you want to give him a second chance. Also, since he can't make decisions either way, once you start to pull away a little bit, he will get nervous and try to come closer. You can first settle the cell phone bill as if you would do with a friend, be calm, polite, and civil. If he does not come to you after that, pack small items of his stuff and send the boxes to him one after another. Then he will have to decide what he wants, before ALL his stuff are sent back to him. Do not contact him to ask how he feels about the relationship. Do not call him to tell him you are willing to take him back, or willing to wait for him/his decision, or to confess you miss him. The key is to maintain some (a little) distance, until he makes up his mind. After all, you are the one who is hurt. You deserve to be careful and guarded.

[lulu04]

Well, I guess I screwed up. I wish I would've seen your posts earlier! My therapist had suggested that I call him & "take power back" & so I did, at about 4 pm today. Granted he was probably at work, but I left a message, business-like, and still haven't heard back. I do have to figure out the cell phone issue -- there is no way i am going to pay for his phone for the next 18 months!! And to cut it off would cost over 200 bucks. He already left me with all of the other bills, god! I can't believe how disrespectful this is. Anyway, I just said on the message that I thought our lines of communication would be more open since our last meeting, and that I needed to know if he had sent in the paperwork to transfer the cell phone bill, and if he had decided to come and get his things or if I should just pack them up or what. I said I thought it was pretty crazy that we had spent 6 years together & that this is how things were. THat was pretty much the extent of the message. I said I would appreciate it if he returned my call.

I need to tie these things up before I can move on, for ME. I know I can just box his things and put them somewhere and say to myself, i'm done, but it just doesn't feel like the closure I need. I know maybe I won't get it from him. he is just totally confusing me, you know?

 

I guess the biggest part of my problem is that I don't feel much hope for the future. I go out with friends, and I have a good number of friends (thank god) and we have fun, laugh, but I look around & there is no one I have ever been attracted to , ever, like him...and it seems that there are so many JERKS out there!! I just can't imagine finding that person that I could connect with like I did with him. I know that people say that all of the time, but I honestly doubt my future. I felt like dying again today, just so hopeless, it's a scary feeling. I can't even believe I have made it this long with so much pain. WHen i think back on that night when I got home from work to a letter, I get almost sick. I want to be able to say: GOOD RIDDANCE!! But I can't! Why?? it is only logical to think that this person is not good for me, but so complicated since he was so wonderful throughout our time together. i don't get it. I just want to feel hope. and really believe in it. can't figure out how to do that....

[lulu04]

well, i am now getting angry. He still hasn't called me back about the phone issue. I don't get how he can continue to be so disrespectful after all of the other things he has put me through. He must feel that I deserve it somehow, and I start to think why?? do i??

It isn't fair that he has left me with everything to deal with and I keep having to pick up the pieces. I want to try and move on, and feel like he won't even let me.

I don't know if he is bipolar or bpd, or doing drugs, or what, because seriously he has not been like this for over 5 years -- when we were first together in college, he did coke sometimes & drank alot and would get really angry. But since then, he has been the ideal partner (up until now). SO what's going on? DOes anyone know about these things?? I would think he would at least care about his things he's left, or the fact that i will have to cancel his phone if he doesn't contact me soon...

 

it's like i am trying to deal with the end of my relationship, but that person doesn't even exist anymore to help me figure things out. How could I have put all of my love and trust into someone who is capable of this?? It makes me terrified for the future -- how will I ever know if they are "real" or not?

[kellbell]

Hi there lulu,

 

I am so sorry to hear things are rough right now. Your story is truly sad. I really don't have any words of wisdom for your situation except that you are not alone in your pain and confusion and that you can PM me anytime you wanna talk or vent. (((hugs)))

[kpow]

lulu,

 

Be strong, know that you are strong, even when you feel like the weakest thing alive. You can do this. One minute at a time, you can make it through. I know exactly what it feels like to love someone who seems to have flipped a switch, and you feel like you are the crazy one, yet everyone around you assures you that he is the crazy one. YES he is the crazy one. You are the sane one, the rock, the core. Even if you feel crazy, it is HIM. You will heal, given time, a lot of goddamn time. It won't feel like it will ever pass, and believe me I feel that way right now. But I KNOW it will pass, it will. Because all suffering ends.

 

This guy is toxic for you-- he is your drug, you are an addict, and you must quit him. Cold turkey. And like an addict, you must not glamorize him, make him seem better than he is, the answer to all of your problems, etc. You must understand that he is bad for you, a poison to your system.

 

I understand about the going out and guy issue. There are a TON of freaks and losers out there. A TON. And frankly right now most guys seem like freaks whether they really are one or not. Because i am in no place to be getting into a relationsip with someone. My heart (your heart) is like an unlocked BMW with a $4000 CD collection just sitting on the front seat. We are ripe to be ripped off, stripped, and left robbed. So protect yourself, your heart, your soul. The only person that can make you happy is YOU. That is your only job. Just do it.

 

Hugs.

[lulu04]

Well, nothing has changed here logistically, but I am feeling at least slightly stronger. I'm sure that not seeing him is helping me, but I know I'm going to have to talk to him at least once more about getting his stuff....unless he just never responds, then I don't know what I will do with it. How can he be such a coward??? The only thing that still eats at me is that I feel like I MUST have been awful for him to up and leave me like this. I know I'm not supposed to think that way, and I try not to, but sometimes it still eats at me -- WHY would someone treat another person who they loved so so terribly, and not even care? I never did anything to hurt him -- i never cheated, never lied, nothing.

 

I know I'm not supposed to be worrying about what he does, why he does it, but it's so hard not to....this situation blows my mind every day. While I feel like I've come to some kind of place of acceptance (shaky ground, but it's something), I still have such a hard time with understanding how he could be so wonderful for 5 yrs and then so horrible. He has such complete disregard for my well-being, it's still very painful. You wouldn't treat your worst enemy with such disregard. So why me? I know he loved me.

 

When he did this (took off) he told me he wouldn't abandon me financially (in every other way, sure, but not financially! what an angel!). Yet here I am, left with all of the bills, and even still paying for his stupid phone (the bill is in my name)!! I am big on principle, and I don't feel like i should have to pay 200 bucks to have it disconnected! I don't even have 200 bucks just laying around. I think I am going to try once more to reach him and give him a deadline, like "if I don't hear from you by friday, your phone will be shut off and I will give your things to charity." I don't know if I should show some of my anger if I have to leave a message, or restrain it.

 

How do you guys think I should handle this? I know that the best option would be to just cut off the phone, box up the stuff and ignore him forever, but I really don't have that much money to spend, i just am struggling as it is. So any thoughts? Why doesn't he want his things, anyway??? What is this?? I'm so tired of feeling so stressed, frustrated, lost, confused.... ugh. i bet he is feeling just fine, going home drunk with whoever, having sex, having plenty of money...this isn't fair.