Update on my verbally abusive relationship...

[Wonderland]

For those of you who remember me from a few weeks ago, I have an update for you. a HUGE update. For those of you who don't remember, please reread my past threads.

 

Well, I took everyones advice.

 

He was out of town and we were talking on the phone late one Wednesday night.He had been asking me why I had been so depressed. Why I wasn't acting like myself. And I told him. I told him that his name calling, and yelling at me made me feel horrible about myself (something I had told him numerous times before) and that I was at a breaking point and was ready to leave. He was upset that I was unhappy, but we both decided that I would move my things out the upcoming weekend.

 

He came home Thursday night and we discussed how things were going to be, who would take which pet, etc. He was actually kind of cold towards me... didn't show me any emotion.

 

We went to bed that night and he woke me up at 3 am crying. And I don't mean sniffiling, i mean bawling. He just hugged me and held me and cried some more. He finally went back to sleep, but when it was time to get up, he was mopey and not himself. As I was doing my hair, I noticed him standing at the entrance of the bedroom, looking into the bathroom at me. He had a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. For the first time in our relationship, I could tell that he cared. He was teary eyed, and when I noticed him he went back to ironing his clothes.

 

I went off to work, and noticed that I had a text message and 3 missed calls on my phone. The text message read: "Words can not express how guilty I feel and how much I regret treating you the way I did. I love you with all my heart even though I did not show it. Please forgive me."

 

He called me on his cigarette break. He was torn up. He told me he was having a hard time keeping it together... It was strange to him that someone could have such an effect on him, that he could feel so lost and empty without someone. He told me he wanted to talk to me after work.

 

When I got home, he told me he didn't feel like cooking (he was still VERY VERY depressed) and that we should go grab something. So we got in his car and headed out to get some food. We got our favorite fast food and then instead of heading home, he drove us out to the lake. We ate our food there, in the dark, looking at the lake. We sat there for 5 hours. He spilled his guts to me. He admitted that no one in his life had ever made him want to change, but realising that I was not going to be in his life anymore had a huge impact on him. He told me that he wanted to change. That I deserved all the things that I had given him (emotionally) and more. He said he missed the way I used to look at him. Before I was scared, when he was positive that I loved him with every inch of my soul. He cried when he said it. He also said that he knows that what he did killed me on the inside, and that it was wrong.

 

I know you all think "PLEASE! He's just saying that to get what he wants... it won't last". I thought it too. And he knew I thought it without me ever saying it. He promises me everyday that he will never call me a name or lash out at me like that ever again. He says that I am the one that he wants to spend his life with, that he feels so close to me and my family accepts him and treats him as if he were already part of the family. He doesn't want to lose any of that.

 

Since his promise that first night, he has not broken it, or shown any signs of doing so in the future. He has become more affectionate, and expresses his feelings more openly with me. If i bring up the way things used to be, he acts embarrassed and ashamed and asks that we put it behind us. That friday was a new beginning for our relationship, he said.

 

And so, we do have a new relationship. Full of love & laughter, and no name calling or yelling.

 

Thanks for letting me share. I am so proud of him.

[RandomAdvisor]

I know you all think "PLEASE! He's just saying that to get what he wants... it won't last".

 

You got me there.

 

He may actually be sincere. He really might mean it when he says that to you. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I guarantee you that unless he makes a real effort to change and work out his issues, you'll be back to square one inside of six months. One day he'll lose his temper and wont be able to control himself. He'll shout, call you names. Same old same old.

 

People don't just flip a switch like they're turning a light on or off to change themselves. He's changed? How? Because he says he has? Because he says he will? Because he's kept his promise for a few short days?So what? He hasn't changed.

 

If he really wants to change, he has to go to get himself personal counseling. Frankly, you should go to counseling too, because only someone with severe self esteem problems would stay with someone who has put you through all the crap he has put you through. Tell him you want him to get counseling for himself and learn anger management if he wants to show that he's really commited to changing. If he even hesitates for a second then you should know all too well that he doesn't really want to change, and he's not being sincere, and you should leave immediately. But if he does go, great. If it actually does anything for him and he can learn to treat you right, even better. God bless the both of you. Be happy together. But if he loses his temper again and starts up, you're all out of excuses and need to leave ASAP. The only real reason you'll have for staying with him at that point will be fear. Fear of being alone. Fear he'll do something to himself as he may well threaten to with emotional blackmail.

 

If you've read some of the older threads in the abuse and violence forum, you know how it ends. It doesn't end. It goes on for years. He abuses you. You get sick of it and threaten to leave. He breaks down and cries like a baby, and you have a "heart to heart" talk where he swears things are going to change. And they do change. For all of two seconds. When the day finally comes where you do work up the courage to leave him (if he hasn't killed you first), you'll have wasted the best years of your life.

[Hope75]

If you've read some of the older threads in the abuse and violence forum, you know how it ends. It doesn't end. It goes on for years. He abuses you. You get sick of it and threaten to leave. He breaks down and cries like a baby, and you have a "heart to heart" talk where he swears things are going to change. And they do change. For all of two seconds. When the day finally comes where you do work up the courage to leave him (if he hasn't killed you first), you'll have wasted the best years of your life.

 

I agree with this completely. If he is serious and he shows you by willingness to seek counseling, either separately or with you, than I wish you both the best.

 

Unfortunately, I have seen and heard this far too many times (and experienced crocodile tears from my ex boyfriend when he abused me and I contemplated leaving, on more one occasion) to really believe that after all this time of treating you this way he is willing to change and actively going to do it.

 

It's been a few short weeks. The true test of time will show how serious he really is, and his willingness to seek counseling.

[TAFFY]

My last ex was both verbally and physically abusive to me. After calling me a nasty name or shouting other abuse at me, he would always say he's sorry and that he wouldn't do that again. Until the next time. I cannot stress enough to women that a partner (spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, or significant other) who starts off being verbally abusive, unless these people go into counselling for themselves or some type of anger management, the verbal abuse will almost always escalate to physical abuse. It's not too late for you to back out of this relationship. I really would not like to come back to this forum and hear or read that you have been injured, or worse. Please take everyone's advice here, and get out while you still can.