I really need advice

[FoxLocke]

This is my first time posting in this forum, and I hope that there is someone who can give me some advice.

 

Well, to put it blunty, I believe that I'm gay but I'm still confused and feeling really isolated.

 

I'm almost 25-years-old and for the first time I've allowed myself to acknowledge how I really feel. This after years of struggling to surpress my feelings. Even as I type on an anonymous forum I am still ambivalent about telling ANYONE.

 

I think I've always known that I was gay, since I was around nine or ten years old. Well, I didn't know what gay was but I knew I was "different."

However, I was smart enough to know that my family is very religious and doesn't accept being gay as a valid lifestyle choice. So that is when I started keeping it in. I even prayed that I would turn straight...Needless to say my prayers weren't answered.

 

I have always had major crushes on guys while pretending to really like girls. I've been doing this so much that there is this huge conflict in my brain.

I am confused because I still find women attractive. Whenever I see an attractive woman I look at her. But I don't have those same inward feelings that I have for a man. Can gay men find woman attractive?

All I know is that I'm definitely not straight at this point.

 

I've always felt like an outsider looking in. While my friends were having relationships I was the loner who was pretending to be straight. Coincidentally, I have never had a sexual experience with either gender. I never wanted to with girls(even though I had a few chances to) because I always had this fear that I couldn't "get it up..." among other things, and I was afraid of gay men(and I had chances to with them), period, because I would have to admit that I am, infact, gay.

 

Well, over the last year of so all of this has been rolling around inside me...So much so that I had to admit to myself that I am gay.

After I did that I felt ALOT better...but now I feel alone because it seems like I'm on a remote Island.

It seems like everyone around me is homophobic to a certain degree. Even one of my college professors(he is from Ghana)has a very homophobic attitude...

 

I guess a small part of me hopes there is a chance I could be "converted" to straight...But I have tried it for so many years(even psychoanalyzing myself), and nothing has work. I really believe I was born this way, and now I've accepted it.

 

I really need some advice. Any would be helpful

[avman]

I'm glad you've finally come to some acceptance with yourself. That's really the only part that matters. It must have been very tough to be so conflicted for so long.

 

With the others around you, those who really care about you will not abandon you if you come out to them. It may take some of them a little while to digest it, but those who love you will accept you no matter what.

 

I am confused because I still find women attractive. Whenever I see an attractive woman I look at her. But I don't have those same inward feelings that I have for a man. Can gay men find woman attractive?

 

You can certainly find someone attractive without you yourself being attracted to them. I myself am not gay but I can look at some men and say "Yes, that man is handsome". I personally am not attracted, but I can see why others would be very attracted to certain men. I can also find many women attractive but that doesn't mean I myself want to be with them.

 

I think you are in a very good place right now. If you can love and accept yourself you are going to be a lot happier going forward.

[FoxLocke]

Thank you so much for responding.

 

I really do feel much better. For years it felt like I was trying to hide something from everyone. I was so far in the closet that I may as well have lived in Narnia. But now that I've acknowledged it I don't feel the same level of stress.

 

My only problem is that I've done such a good job of not making my family question my sexuality by being somewhat homophobic myself. I was basically my own worst enemy...

And I keep wondering had I not said something sooner would things be different.

 

It is sorta confusing at this point...

 

Thanks for explaining about being able to find the opposite sex attractive.

 

For me, I guess, it has always been sort of a way to "hold out hope"(for lack of a better expression) that I might be totally straight...simply because I find women to be beautiful.

Ironically, I feel the same way about women now that I did when I was dating them.

[UT]

There are a lot of people all over the world who are or have been in this situation. As avman said it's good that you've come to terms with this yourself, which is the most important thing.

 

However, I was smart enough to know that my family is very religious and doesn't accept being gay as a valid lifestyle choice.

 

Darling, it's not really a choice. You have prayed that you weren't and if you could have chosen you wouldn't have been gay. I would probably not have been gay if I could choose... nowadays I don't know but in the beginning I hated what I felt and I hated what I felt and then it turned into fear and not it have turned into pride.

 

You will be fine. It's nothing wrong with being gay. Your family could be a little problem though. It all depends on how religious they are. I guess they can choose between you and their religion but if they think about it they can both love you and god. If thy love you they will accept you.

 

Same goes for your friends. I don't have a religious family but I do have homophobic friends and family so I know how hard it is. I myself am not out yet but I'm hoping to be able to be out within a year.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. I feel lonely too and feel the need to come out. You are not alone. We'll always be here for you. Just remember there are over 600 million homosexuals in the world. You are not alone. We are here. 8)

[SarCareBear]

yes, just thought i'd add my two cents on how the hardest step is coming out to YOURSELF. it's great that you are acknowledging who you truly are, because you will never be happy unless you know your true self.

 

take your time, talk to family and friends about homosexuality in general to gauge their reactions. you will hopefully find at least a few people with whom you can trust to understand, and come out to them. the next step is watching your interaction with other guys... think about what awesome and beyond wonderful potential there will be for you to have your first sexual experience or even fall in love.

[FoxLocke]

Thank you so much SarCareBear and UT

 

I feel so much better after reading the responses to my inquiry.

 

I think the least homophobic member of my family is mother. We are very close, and the first person I tell will be her.

I'm a spiritual person myself, and I don't believe the way that I feel is a sin(if so why would I be born this way?). Unfortunately, the people that I've surrounded myself with over the years may feel differently...

But it is good to know that there are other people out there who can identify with me...

 

I wish, a few years ago, when I was 17 that I wasn't in such denial...But no one knows then what they know now.

 

All I know is that I feel alot better being true to myself.

[Jinx]

I see quite a few points I can relate to in your situation.

 

I don't remember what post it was that I explained my entire situation awhile ago. Anyhow to relive a bit of it I was born in a strict very religious Christian home where I was taught to be homophobic. To them if you weren't something was very wrong.

 

I suppose for years I've had feelings for women but always supressed them until more recently because it wasn't acceptable and thus, now that I look back, I covered up by dating men and everything else in that basket, who is going to assume you're a lesbian when you're out flirting and dating men.

 

Since coming to reality about the situation I have came out to some friends of mine but no friends or outsiders really because of the harassment issues as I reside in a stronly homophobic area. It is quite difficult because people are afraid to come out due to this overwhelming attitude. It makes it a tad bit difficult because of the limited amount, all the out lesbians are already taken and the ones in the closet are hard to do the guess work with. Like, two women I know and am interested in all have signs but can't be sure unless they give off some cue.

 

Nonetheless, I've decided not to come out to my parents because they've made it clear they'll never accept. There are probably others I will never individually come out to because their hatred is quite discouraging. I just assume they'll find out second hand information source anyways when I am involved in a relationship in the future somewhere, whether that is the near or far off future.

 

And I agree 100% with UT on this quote:

Darling, it's not really a choice. You have prayed that you weren't and if you could have chosen you wouldn't have been gay. I would probably not have been gay if I could choose... nowadays I don't know but in the beginning I hated what I felt and I hated what I felt and then it turned into fear and not it have turned into pride.

 

It'll take awhile to work on coming out, certain things will be fuzzy for awhile, and its unfortunately not an easy overnight job, but I do wish you the best. On a final note, I'm sure all of us here that have had our share of Gay/Lesbian living (for lack of a better way to phrase it) will be more than willing to help and should you ever need to talk, most of us I do believe are open to both PM and discussion.

[PavPPZ1]

Ok,

 

I can see that you ahve some confusion within yourself. I dont believe that someone can either be gay or straight, everything is a psychological process. I dont think there's sucha thing asbeing gay or straight. Some people chose to have sex with men others chose to have sex with women. Because its simply a choice, and there is nothing physicallydifferernt in a gay man or a straight man. So gay is a lable for the choices you make.

 

Do not try to find cumfort in anything, it is normal to have feelings for guys and for girls. I will be very honest. Some guys are so good looking, that I can look at them and say damn even I am attracted to them.

 

From what you have described, you are neither gay nor straight, I say this because you have never had sex with a man or a woman. You have never had sex with a woman how can yousay you are gay?

 

What if you had an opportunity to have sex with a very sensual and beautiful woman, this would immediateley change your perception of how you view your sexual orientation at least to a degree. If you first have sex with a man you will right away have a predesposition to think you were right in that you are gay and you made the right choice.

 

Here is my viewpoint, based on your family structure and your lifestyle. You will save yourself a lot of possible embarrassment, and lifestyle change, since you have lived your whole life as a straight man, with some hidden feelings. You need to have sex with a beautiful woman, get rid of the fears you have of women. This will help you to move forward and make a decision as to your sexual orientation.

 

If you feel like you are not getting satisfaction then try sex with a man, which is very easy to find.

 

Regardless good luck... I am not a homophobe, I have many gay friends who seem to think I am gay, I will never understand this.

[FoxLocke]

From what you have described, you are neither gay nor straight, I say this because you have never had sex with a man or a woman. You have never had sex with a woman how can yousay you are gay?

 

Hi,

 

Thank you for replying to my thread. Even though I disagree with you I appreciate what you are saying.

 

My question to you would be, How do you know you are heterosexual?

If you've never had sex with another man then how can you possibly know? I don't think it takes having sex to know what you are, physically and emotionally, geared towards. I've had a strong attraction to men since around the 4th and 5th grade(the beginning of puberty).

 

Believe me, regarding everything in your post, I have been there and done it. I even majored in psychology my freshmen year of college to try and re-orientate myself. I've tried prayer, psychology(trying to find a root "cause" for it), and just outright surpressing my feelings for the same sex. None of it has succeeded in anything but making me sad on the inside. I've dated women and had short term relationships that I was too ambivalent about pursuing. Because sexuality has always been an issue in my mind...

 

I've been confused for a very longtime. When I was younger I grew deeply infatuated with my best male friend to the point of having dreams and thoughts about him. I've never felt that way about a woman.

Yes, I certainly appreciate the beauty of a sensual woman. I'm an artist and women are my favorite subjects. I love their softness and feminity. But when it comes to thinking of them in a sexual nature nothing registers. I am neither excited nor repulsed. I just literally feel nothing for women in that manner...I have to force myself to feel that way about girls. And when you have to do that how do you get pleasure out of sex?

Case In Point: A few years back I had a subscription to Playboy magazine...I think I am the only guy alive that actually read all of the articles. And the reason I had them was so that my mom would find them and not question my sexuality.

 

The confusion came in for me because of my deeply religious background and the fact that I still find women to be physically attractive. I love to be around women, just not in a sexual nature...I used to tell myself that maybe if I found the right woman, but that was just a way to deny it.

 

It honestly is not a choice for me. This is genuinely how I feel.

 

I've never been with a woman because, sexually, I don't I have the drive to. True, many closeted gay men get married and have kids(and I have actually contemplated doing that)...but their marraiges always fail because they end up coming out to their wives.

So instead of putting myself through that dilemma I've finally decided to just be real about it. I am more attracted to other men than I am to women, and I know it on some visceral level.

 

So thanks for your advice, but I can tell you I've been through every single thing you wrote.

[PavPPZ1]

The bottom line is that whatever it is you truley desire, will be the final outcome. This is infact a very interesting scenereo, in that it is infact a psychological decision, with a very deep ruted cause.

 

As I said before to sleep with men or women is a personal choice, and no one is either gay or straight. If that makes sense, because my understanding of a gay man and a gay woman is someone who has sex with the same sex. The physical act itself is the indication, the rest is psychological.

 

Your situation is very unique, in the following ways, which I shall describe here. One very obvious problem in your sexuality which is apparent is that your family is strictly against homosexuality. This something you have been raise with your entire life. This is your conciencious internal argument against sleeping with men. The second very strong internal argument which is brewing within you is the fact that you are having very strong sexual feelings towards men. Lastly an argument in neither direction is that you do not have strong sexual feelings towards women.

 

The issue here is that it can be argued that sexual desire is one of the strongest forces known to man kind. As for your internal struggle you have very few arguments that I can see of at this point which are going to sway you for sleeping with women since you do not have a sexual desire for them. Your family is everyday becoming a much smaller argument to sway you because you no longer depend on them for your livelyhood. You are a grown man who can provide for himself. In fact its miraculous you have followed in these footsteps to this day.

 

I have not majored in psychology or any other aspect. I will although venture to make some arguments on the above notions. The fact that your sexual desire is towards men is not an indication that you are gay. This is an inclination for you to become gay, through the act of sleeping with other men. If you have a desire to remain straight, then you must find a trigger factor within yourself which will turn on your desire for women. I will tell you no matter what it is you think may be the case, every man has the builtin genome, to be sexually attracted to women. This is what our underlying genetic build up comes down to. I can only say that the reason you do not have sexual desires for women is because you have turned it off internally, weather its because of your family history, or some other external factors. The key is turn it on, I personally do not know what your switch is, but as a human you have extraordinary mental power over your own feelings and thoughts. The key is to unlock your potential and allow yourself to think with clarity. In laments terms this is known as thinking outside the box.

 

I will be glad to help you explore other mental possibilities, with any knowledge I have to share with you. Thisis as far as I can make an argument to the case without knowing more about you.

 

Share your thoughts on what you think!@

[pianoguy]

FoxLocke,

 

Sorry about that rant, but those things seriously tick me off.

 

As others have said, the most important step is accepting your own sexuality, coming out to yourself as some put it. I've found that it also TREMENDOUSLY helpful to tell close friends. These people have been hugely supportive and honestly I probably would not have survived without them. Incidentally, these are all straight people, largely girls but also some guys.

 

Do you have liberal friends who you could discuss this with? Do you have a mentor or some such figure in your life to confide in? Enotalone is a good start but I think it's better to find real people to talk to.

 

Do you have any links to the gay community or gay friends of either gender to talk to? I love talking with lesbians because there is no sexual tension whatsoever but they are able to emapthize more completely than other people. You mention that you could have had a boyfriend at one point, so I suspect you may know about these things.

 

Part of realizing you're gay means accepting that you will wish to date and form relationships with other guys (specifically, gay guys). This took me a long time to accept for whatever reason. You will need to figure out a method to socialize with other gay men, something that has completely eluded me, leading me to gnaw my own knuckles off in sexual frustration. You don't want to go there.

 

Concerning your family- you will probably have to tell them eventually but do it when you feel the time is right. Realize that this is a major thing and they may not accept you at first, but THEY WILL. If they love you, which I suspect they do, they will come to terms with your orientation. In either case, they will still love you, and that's what counts. Be heartened, virtually every family of the gay people I know have come to terms with their child's "lifestyle" as they refer to it. Love does seem to conquer all, even religious differences.

[PavPPZ1]

I will tell you no matter what it is you think may be the case, SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH has proven that a very small set of individuals are attracted to the same sex. This seems to be genetically based, in either case it clearly is not something the individual chooses. Seriously, dude, read a psychology textbook.

 

I will just add, that based on what you say, there is no scientific research to suggest that this particular guy has this genome. I am suggesting alternatives for him, as this is why he came here to ask for this information. I would like to share my thoughts to him, as you are obviously conserned what I say may sway his opinion. I see where your frustration may come from, but do understand that there is no single answer to this question. Also he has not said he is gay, he said he thinks he might be. I have given him an alternative, which will cause him less hardship to at least explore. I am not saying your suggestion is worse or not correct, bur rather that he should have a choice of topics to choose from. Based on this he will make his own decision, which is the correct course of action.

[Jinx]

I myself disagree with this portion. Then again we're all entitled to our own opinions An inclination to become Gay? If it could magically be turned on and off like a switch, I honestly doubt a majority of individuals would seek their own misfortunate in one way or another by "remaining" gay. It isn't a simple process.

 

Furthermore, preaching about turn ons and turn offs will only further confuse. Telling someone to spend their life looking for a switch they may NEVER find is not productive. If he finds interest in men, then so be it. If he starts to believe he must find this so called trigger then he will be with women, searching. Most likely finding an unhappy life. I don't see where it would do the woman any good either. I've seen too many cases where a gay man plays straight and there goes another divorce or unhappy end case. Who benefits? No one.

 

Anyhow, the only research I can honestly think of is the one based on Phermone reaction difference between those which identify straight and those which identify as gay.

 

Yes, it will all in the end be determined by him but lets consider the fact he already states loving men despite everything he has tried to straighten himself so to speak. After all that, shouldn't he have found what you speak of? If I tried that hard to do something I'd sure hope for results if it was truly possible. Nonetheless, I believe somewhere you said along the lines of until you sleep with someone you know nothing. That must mean there is a lot of not knowing going on. In that case how do you know you're Straight if you're a virgin? That line of logic doesn't work here.

 

 

This is nonsense. I've heard a good deal of Gays and Lesbians whom had the woman or man of their dreams while they were being straight and still did nothing for them in the long run. There just wasn't the same attraction basis no matter how physically perfect it was. I know my dating men and what not didn't suddenly change me over to being straight and loving men.

[PavPPZ1]

I will tell you no matter what it is you think may be the case, every man has the builtin genome, to be sexually attracted to women.

 

No one in here has the scientific authority to disagree with this statement, this is the basis for my entire argument. Unless you can suggest that one man is somehow different from another genetically of phisically and this makes him gay. Nothing said can be agreed upon, because there is more proof supporting my statement then there is the latter. Please think carefully before trying to refute what is being said.

 

Show me an article or a shread of scientific evidence to suggest that a "gay" man and a "straight" man are somehow phisically or genetically differnt, otherwise do not shoot down my very valid argument, by basing your claim on your frustration and anger.

[Jinx]

I had more but decided there isn't much to argue in the mind of a person who believes everything is a choice. I've made my point, the only research I know of is that which has to do with Phermones, other than that, not much I can say. I'm not into the blood battle debates, so I'll bow out to the sidelines before it becomes that.

[avman]

Please stay on topic. This thread was created by someone asking for specific advice - not for a debate.

[SarCareBear]

not to belabor the point but PAV - do you know what it's like to be deeply attracted to or in love with someone of the same sex?

 

if not, i think you should just accept that you are uninformed and should probably stop posting on a glbt board.

[FoxLocke]

As others have said, the most important step is accepting your own sexuality, coming out to yourself as some put it. I've found that it also TREMENDOUSLY helpful to tell close friends. These people have been hugely supportive and honestly I probably would not have survived without them. Incidentally, these are all straight people, largely girls but also some guys.

 

Thank you for responding Pianoguy. Anyway, coming out to myself has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't really describe it, but when I did I breathed a sigh of relief. It literally felt like I dropped two tons of weight. It was becoming a burden trying to lie to myself or just keep my sexuality shut off. Now I feel like a complete and whole person...

 

Do you have liberal friends who you could discuss this with? Do you have a mentor or some such figure in your life to confide in? Enotalone is a good start but I think it's better to find real people to talk to.

 

I do agree with you. Enotalone is my first step to coming to terms with my sexuality, but unfortunately I don't have any gay friends(that I know of) or really liberal friends that I can open up to...I've done such a good job of psyching myself out that all I've ever surrounded myself with are people who may disagree with being gay.

I think I've been so insecure about people finding out about me being gay that I haven't really formed a close, close, friendship in awhile. I do have a best friend...but he is Christian also and I don't know whether or not he agrees with it.

However, I do have a gay cousin who lives with his partner in Vancouver, Canada. Recently, my uncle(his father)passed away. I went to his funeral and met the two of them there. I hadn't seen my cousin in over 15 years(because his father was anti-gay...but his mother still maintains a close bond with him). But I really bonded with the both of them during the entire day. He gave me his e-mail address that I haven't used yet...I'm sorta scared because I avoided using it(when I was still in denial), but I'm thinking of writing him...Should I do so? And how would I go about it?

 

Do you have any links to the gay community or gay friends of either gender to talk to? I love talking with lesbians because there is no sexual tension whatsoever but they are able to emapthize more completely than other people. You mention that you could have had a boyfriend at one point, so I suspect you may know about these things.

 

I actually could have had a boyfriend on three different occasions...lol, which sucks in hindsight...but I'm just glad that I've gotten to a place of peace. There will be other chances...

On that note, I live in a very large city and I recently got the contact information for a GLBT community center.

Coming online and unloading how I feel has been a tremendous help...but I want to open up my real life social circle as well.

The only problem I am having is that recently, after being laid off from work, I had to move back home with my mom. I'm finishing up my last year and a half of college and working part-time...So I've been very ambivalent about telling her anything about the way I feel until I graduate and leave home for good...

But of the people whom I believe will accept me I believe it is my mom.

 

Part of realizing you're gay means accepting that you will wish to date and form relationships with other guys (specifically, gay guys). This took me a long time to accept for whatever reason. You will need to figure out a method to socialize with other gay men, something that has completely eluded me, leading me to gnaw my own knuckles off in sexual frustration. You don't want to go there.

 

lol. I totally agree...and unfortunately, I don't know any gay men(that I know of).

But now, I think I am taking a step in the right direction. I am open to befriending gay men now, and hopefully able to have a relationship. I don't want to go around being promiscous or anything. I would just like to form a great monogamous relationship...or date around.

I did have one gay friend that worked with me a few years back...He was very FLAMBOYANT and I used to love talking to him. and I envied his lifestyle at the time(I didn't know why then)...He told me that when we first met, and I quote, "you screamed queen when I first saw you." Still in denial at that time it scared me...

 

Concerning your family- you will probably have to tell them eventually but do it when you feel the time is right. Realize that this is a major thing and they may not accept you at first, but THEY WILL. If they love you, which I suspect they do, they will come to terms with your orientation. In either case, they will still love you, and that's what counts. Be heartened, virtually every family of the gay people I know have come to terms with their child's "lifestyle" as they refer to it. Love does seem to conquer all, even religious differences.

 

Thank you. Just reading that part of your post made me heave a sigh of relief.

 

Right now I am just in an awkward phase of coming out...But I am thankful that I'm doing it.

 

I appreciate all of your advice.

[PavPPZ1]

hey,

 

It seems that you are sure of what it is you want with life. That is perhaps the greatest thing that might have happened out of all of this. Your inner light is what you need to follow, especially if it shines bright like a rainbow. You still have some hurdles to overcome, but you are on the right track and I am sure there are many guys out there for you.

 

And remember, do not be afraid of the light as it comes into sight. If you are feeling a breeze do not fall to your knees. Keep your eyes on the prize, and good things are bound to arise.

 

Good luck champ!

[FoxLocke]

Thanks alot Pav...

 

Even though we don't agree on everything, I truly respect your opinions.

 

The coming out process is sorta hard, but I am finally glad that I am. I feel so much better about who I am as a person.

 

Peace.