how can it end this way?

[stones]

right now, i feel really really lousy. it's a little past midnight. i've been crying for the past 3 hours and i'm quite certain i'l be crying till i have sore eyes tomorrow morning but i so don't know what to do about my situation.

 

it started last year after i graduated from university and had to move back in with my parents. i could not find a job and well, i didn't have the most excellent relationship with my family. largely, it was because i don't think they're very happy about who i've become. we're muslims and my parents are rather conservative. don't get the wrong idea. i'm not badly wasted. i don't smoke, i don't drink and i graduated with top honours. i just have a very broad and liberal perspective of the world. by the time i moved back in with my family, i've travelled most of asia and australia. i've seen many places and met many people. my horizons were expanded beyond small towns and villiages.

 

i was perceived as outspoken and rebellious and i just plain asked too many questions. being at home drove me crazy. i was frustrated, miserable and depressed.

 

what did i do? i moved out. i took a job up north- a good 8 hour drive from home. after i left home, my relationship with my family was okay again. it could even be considered good. mom and dad argued less and that was important to me. the job was slow paced and did not pay too well, but it got me out of the house.

 

the salary did not matter. i had hardly any expenses anyway. i left everything and everyone i've ever cared about thousands of miles away. my friends called me the first few weeks, but hearing about their exciting lives made me even more miserable. i was on a tiny island with no friends and no one to talk to. eventually, i drifted away from them too.

 

i spent my evenings staring at the beach. all my colleagues were old and the locals were... different. i was very alone.

 

that was when he came along. he came to me, sat down, and listened. he was 2 years older than me and also came from a small town thousands of miles away. he works at the same place i do. we became fast friends, speat every waking moment together working, or walking at the beach, or having meals, or just hanging out. eventually, we became a steady couple.

 

months later, he asked me if i would marry him, and i said yes. what's my problem? he's chinese and does not want to convert for me... with makes out marriage an impossibility. the religion does not permit it, the laws of our country doesnot allow it, and my famly would never stand for it.

 

i would never ever force him to convert if his heart is not in it. what's the use of pretending to be faithful to God if he does not believe in the religion?

 

we both realised the complexity of our situation but we were deeply in love. we were the bestest of friends. we understood each other so well and everything clicked. but like it or not, we had to separate.

 

he resigned from the company and moved away. i took a company transfer and moved back to an area about an hour's drive from my folks. i rent an apartment and go home twice a month for dinner. my heart bleeds to lose my love.

 

i found out at the beginning of the year that he lived quite near where i now work..!!! in fact, out apartments were just 15 minutes away. as hard as i fought it, our hearts found our way back to each other again. i don't know why, loving him fills me up with such a heightened sense of happiness. caring for him made me feel complete. being with him made me feel safe.

 

we want to be together so much, but we know we can't. we still do, though. he'd quite certain that he does not want to convert. so we tried to break up again.

 

i cried every day and night. i was either sleeping or crying. i was wrecked and my colleagues said i looked awful. i almost went insane when i found out what he did. he went and started cutting himself. he did not eat and fell sick often. i went back, took care of him and this made me happier also. i was caring for the man i loved.

 

now, why am i crying? tomorrow is our 1 year anniversary from the time we first became a couple. i was with him just hours ago and the topic ofour relationship came up again. we usually try to avoid this issue, but it came up ok. how long are we going to go on like this? it seems so hard to let go of each other. we love each other tremendously- how can we break up because of that? we never cheated, we never lied, we were there for each other and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. this seems impossible. but holding on in such a relationship and loving each other more everyday makes it even harder to let go. we both cried and the issue just drowned again. we are still together but it's only a matter of time before we bring it up again.

 

i cry because i don't know where this relationship is heading. i need some sort of certainty. we are both very insecure- not about our feelings, we love each other- but for the future of our relationship. is this really a losing battle? what do i do?

 

[cookies]

wow...i am at a loss of words and it touched me so much to read ur post. When we love someone this deep, and its religious beliefs that keeps us apart, till the young guy wants to cut himself...this is not right.

 

Regardless of what religion we have followed throughout our lives, because of our parents,...we all have ONE GOD. A God of love, that does not separate his children because of religions. People separate themselves of religion. Love is not something that we force OUt of our lives like this. If 2 ppl love one another, there has got to be a way to become one. I dont have much insight on intermixing religions asides the two of u come together on ur knees in prayer, asking God for HIS blessing and guidance. If he brings u two together, no one can separate u...not even ur parents or their religions.

 

I grew up as a Baptist, but now I am nondemoninational...because I enjoy attending services where i am being FED, and grow. To each his own, and i do not judge the next person for their religious or non religious beliefs...

good luck,...and if u pray, and if u two are truly in love...you will find a way, just as fate has brought u 2 closer again...just dont give up...

 

cookies

[crookster_man]

I have to agree with cookie, this situation seems to be created through a lack of compromise between both parties. It's evident that you both love and care for each other. Why are you allowing your religious doctrine to stand in the way of that? If you know anything about religions they were created to give guidance and order into peoples lives. The reason marriage between different religions is usually frowned upon is due to the fact that it would "disrupt" societies guidance. However in this day and age, such necessities are outdated.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm a very spiritual person, I was born and raised a Roman Catholic and still have ties to my religion, but I realise now that many of the fundamental dogma and doctrine is erroneous or simply outdated. I know that God would never what me to sacrifice my happiness and personal growth (which is the purpose of our lives in this level of existence according to most religions) to follow rules that were created thousands of years ago in a world completely different from ours.

 

I know that your family may frown upon your choice to be with this man. But if you looked into your religious texts, I'm sure you could find some scripture that would allow such a union (if you so please to take this route) people have used loopholes in scripture for so much evil, why not for good? Either way, your heart and your soul are trying to tell you something. Try listening to them instead of words written on paper. God, will understand (remember God created you and this situation. He's not testing you; he's giving you a gift).

[segagirl]

Allah gives us freedom and urges us to:

...Marry the women of your choice..Qur'an [4 : 3] yet it is also noted that: A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. No one likes to challenge his or her belief system. My question would be that do you follow the rest of Allah's teachings in regards to marriage and meeting a mate. Some times we have to look closely, Allah wanted you to marry, and wanted you to find someone with similar education and background. However, it is also noted that you could not be alone with a potential partner until you were married either.

I think that your bond and love is precious, I think that you may not have acceptance from your family, but I think you have a right to live happy, and to share life with whom you choose. It is stated that Marriage in Islam is a long life experience. Muslims do not get married to "experiment", or because it's "fun and play". Neither do they marry for a limited period. They marry to settle down, have children, and create solid family relationships. I think that you indeed will have this with your current mate, it may not be quite everything that is taught, but like I said, do you really live your entire life by the exact written word?

[stones]

thank you for the responses. i consider myself a liberal but spiritual muslim. although people may call me swayed, i have my own justifications for my own beliefs. i believe religion is up to the individual's interpretation because in the end we have to answer only to God for our own actions. i speak to God every night and i cry and i ask Him to guide me. i find religion a tremendous source of strength and comfort.

 

but my bf does not believe in a god. he's a freethinker and he says he does good because it is the right thing to do and not because some religion says so. he feels religion weakens the individual and is too frequently abused. he believes in effort and hard work, and does not believe in fate or miracles.

 

this is why we view that raising a family of two religions complicating. if both our views on religion differs, we'd have very confused kids.

[segagirl]

Ok well this is a very different topic! I think that if you as a believer can accept him, and respect what he believes, they why could you not share that with your children......unless it is he that is unwilling to raise your children with Muslim beliefs?

[stones]

that's where it gets complicated. we respect each other for our beliefs and such. we don't see each other as peopleof different races. but we know it is because of our religions and upbringings that shape us to be the way we are.

 

in that sense, religion does not come in when we are together. just like the roots of a tree, it is an essential element but no one sees a tree by its roots. a tree is instead seen for its fruit and leaves and branches etc but we remember that it all stems from that all important root.

 

but as we go into the technicalities of being together, it is a question of whether laws of religion or state would allow us. then, would be how to raise our kids. both our religions contradict. there are restrictions and things that would be confusing and he has expressed that he does not want our kids growing muslims.

 

we both hold our reservations over our religions. but we do not talk about it because it leads to a stalemate all the time. we talk about every other aspect of life and our communication is good in that sense.

 

we only have one barrier to being together. this is it. what to do?

[crookster_man]

You might be surprised but this dilemma is much more common then you might think. Many people live in intermixed relationships. There is an abundance of information, education and help available to people like yourselves who wish to raise families in a multicultural family. Honestly this is no reason not to be together. I strongly urge you to consult someone on this issue, whether it is a counsellor or your local bookstore. There are a multitude of avenues to deal with this. Trust me, out there is a solution.

 

My personal solution to this problem is to raise the children with exposure to both religions; this would of course require some interesting compromise. But I'm sure if you both love each other and are willing to share your lives then you should be able to make some compromises. This is where a relationship counsellor would come in handy, helping you both make reasonable compromises without giving up your values or beliefs. Trust me anything is possible....

 

If however he, or you are unwilling to budge on this matter. Then you must realise that this relationship CANNOT work. Simply put if you fail to compromise you fail the relationship. It doesn't matter whether you are deciding who does the dishes and laundry or how the kids are raised. Inability to communicate and compromise = disaster. Keep this in mind.

 

I hope my words and the words of my fellow advice givers have answered some of your prayers, or at least opened your eyes. Please let us know how you are doing in the future.

[romantic sweetheart]

Hello. I just read your post, and I want to tell you I was very moved by your words and devotion to your boyfriend. I truly hope something can be worked out. I have experienced a similar situation. Like you, ,I met someone who helped me through a hard time, comforted me, and filled me with love and peace inside. And like you and your boyfriend, he and I were of very differing beliefs..I am a Catholic, he does not believe in God. The turmoil over this difference was at the forefront of our relationship. I deeply want to share my faith in God with another soul. i want someone to believe that there is a God, that we do have souls, that there is a purpose to this life.

 

My relationship dissolved for other reasons, but this was one of the biggest. I still think of him, I still feel a yearning to hold him and see him. But I must say that the feelings you have for your boyfriend are above and beyond anything I had with my last boyfriend....I truly hope you can find a way to be together because it sounds like you two are surely soulmates.

 

I wish I knew what to say to make this better. I think it all rests insideeyour heart about what should be done. I am a romantic, and I believe that the heart knows what is best. I ask if your hesitations are more your own, or more out of fear of offending your family? I will tell you to trust your heart, and if you choose to marry your boyfriend, your family will see the great love and respect you have for one another. No human heart can be opposed to such great love.