I cheated on my wife

[ryan4622]

I know I know. I found out too that I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on my wife with a "fling". I look back now and I can't believe what I did. I feel SO bad. I know I lefta big scare.

I broke the realationship off with the "fling" and she phoned my wife and told her EVERYTHING. I also know I deserve it. I have a wonderful wife. I love her more than ANYTHING in the world but she's shouting divorce now. I can't blame her. I don't want to lose her and don't know what to do now. How do I get her to trust me again. Where do I begin, what do I say.

Please help me. I can't see my future with anybody else. She is my life. I will never do anything again to mess up our lives but, how do I prove it to her. What can I do???

[RandomAdvisor]

Why did you have this "fling" in the first place? Were you unsatisfied with your marriage, and if so, why?

 

I would definitly recommend marriage counseling for both of you.

[ryan4622]

Well, we had a baby 19 months ago. After that, we didn't spend anymore quality time together and we had less sex. (as expected) She only had time for our lovely daughter, not for us anymore altough she made an effort. I could see that. I don't want to use our baby as an excuse but, it may be part of the reason. The other part: Stupidity

[kellbell]

I am with someguy on this one, maybe some marrige consuling may help. Trust is a very easy thing to break and very hard to repair. She may never recover from this.

[kyky]

Wow so your the other side to my story

I just wrote about how I can't stop thinking about the woman HE cheated on me with

He says as you say that HE made a huge mistake one the he'll never make again

I just don't know I have been givin alot of opinions on the subject once a cheater always a cheater I personally hope to god that isn't true because I want to marry this guy someday

I hope seriously that this fling is over and other other woman isn't still trying to get you back cause that'll make your life hell

I gotta let you know my b/f cheated on me close to a year ago and I still can't forget and based on reading here that's not at all uncommon

You need to understand for a long time she's not going to trust you and she'll doubt you it's not that she means too, she just will and you'll fight about it for awhile

Make her feel like she's your one and only

I have a question when you had your fling why did you do it, really?

[ryan4622]

I am with someguy on this one, maybe some marrige consuling may help. Trust is a very easy thing to break and very hard to repair. She may never recover from this.

 

I know. But I dont want to lose her. What should I do?

[ryan4622]

I have a question when you had your fling why did you do it, really?

Like I said, I dont want to make any excuses but, our relationship went "down" after we had our baby. Felt like second best and STPIDITY.

I don't know why. Started as aone-night-stand then, we had a brief (1 month) affair.

I realized what I was doing and ended it.

If we could only turn back time.....

[shes2smart]

Counseling --- individually AND together -- may help you mend your relationship. It will require both of you to make the effort, and if she doesn't want to...well....

 

Much you don't want to hear this, you do need to acknowledge the fact that for some people cheating...no matter what the circumstances or what remorse the cheater feels...is a deal breaker. If she's one of those people, then there's really nothing you can do to change her mind. If that's the case, then you will need some individual counseling to figure out how to get on with your life.

[kyky]

Sounds like our stories are very similar but opposite

I am the cheated on and you were the cheater

Sorry I never read the earlier post about why you did what you did

What has she said to you about it so far?

How long has she known about the affair ?

Do you think you can really change because most of the people that I have heard from here think the opposite especially if it lasted for around 1 month

[miracle29]

This is very sad, but I hope all men who are planning on cheating on their wives read this post so they can learn a little bit about how women who are scorned will react. The other woman was jealous and hurt and told your wife this to destroy your marriage. So men take heed, this is the post you need to read.

 

I am sorry that you made a bad call in judgment and let your other head do some thinking for you. I know you feel bad now, because you got caught and your wife is rightfully upset and wants a divorce. This has caused her serious pain, and with a baby thats not even 4yrs old, she feels very betrayed. I personally hope she can cool her heels a bit and the two of you can go to marraige counceling. But if she takes you back will you learn, or will this send a signal that you can do whatyou want and she wont do anything and there wont be hell to pay? You need to make sure that if she takes you back, that you will NEVER betray her like this again.

 

 

But if she does go through with the divorce then it will teach you a lesson, to not do this to anyone again. Its a horrible lesson to learn, but one not easily forgotten.

[kellbell]

I know. But I dont want to lose her. What should I do? Well, you may not have a choice in this. You admit you made a big mistake but we have to learn from our mistakes, and this lesson may result you in loing her. Let me ask you this, are you sorry for what you have done or sorry you got caught? I don't know, I can't help feeling for your wife, I mean she went through a lot carrying the baby, having the baby and juggling being a mommy and a wife and while you are out having a fling with another woman?? I hate to sound harsh but damn. Have you helped her out with anything, like taking turns feeding, changing, etc with your baby? Like I mentioned before, see how she feels about consuling and take it from there.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you need to talk about the ENTIRE issue with your wife, this means the problems in your marriage, the affair and other things that need to get out in the open. This is not just a talk but you also need to listen. Once you get an idea of what she wants then you will know if you even have a shot.

[ryan4622]

I am sorry about the "fling"

She did say that she'll give us 2 years. (first divorce the 2 years) Then if she can depend on me again, we'll get married again. I would hate to do that. But, if it's the only way, then I'll have to.

I did help out with everything. i love my daughter and tried to spend as much time with her as possible.

She found out 39 days ago but, I wasn't in the country (i am an interpeter for Taiwan's Minister's who cant speak English and as much as I wanted, couldn't go back to Taiwan, I couldn't - we cureently live in Taiwan) and only really had time to speak to her today after I got back.

How do I get her to go to marriage counseling with me asap?

I really love her. I was wrong. Again, if we cold only turn back time....

[kellbell]

By talking to her and listening to her. She may not want to go to consuling. It's going to depend on what she wants to do. You can't force someone into something, this may be the consequences for your actions.

[miracle29]

Sadly you can't turn back time, so just whisk that fantasy away. You can't take it back, you can't pretend like it didn't happen and she wont forget so easily, so live in the now and not so much in the past.

 

I know she loves you and she is hurt. Not all women forgive. (I WOULDN'T) some of them will leave and would rather be alone, due to the scar. She did however offer you something and this lets me know that she does not want to just toss her whole family to the side, she is thinking out of emotion (don'tyou dare say that to her) but she is scorned and hell hath no fury, like.....a woman scorned.

 

You need to pull out all the stops and as the last poster said, "tell it all" tell her why you felt the need to stray but steer clear of blaming her. Take all blame and then beg for marriage counseling! This may be your only options.

[ryan4622]

I will. I have to do anything/everything I can.

I know I have to take all the blame 'cos she isn't to blame.

I still have no idea how to approach her when i see her in the morning.

[lillady898]

I really love her. I was wrong. Again, if we cold only turn back time....

 

... so you could turn back time just enough to keep the fact that you cheated away from her? Were you honestly planning on telling her the truth prior to her finding out from your "fling?" I'm wondering this in the nicest way possible.

 

It'd be a deal breaker for me if I was cheated on regardless of his begging and pleading, or regardless of any excuses he could feed me. At one point in time I was actually the person who forgave a cheater... bad idea...

[Beec]

First, I believe you are sorry, becaue you confessed your infidelity without telling her. Frankly, I think you were stupid and selfish for confessing. You felt guilt which should have bored into your soul for a long time before you confessed, if you ever confessed. I know man will disagree with not confessing, but you should not have.

 

You also should not have cheated and that's a much bigger NO-NO.

 

I can be very forgiving, but the one thing I know that I still seek to avenge is a betrayal be an ex, which occurred in 1989. If the opportunity arose, I still would seek to inflict pain. Betrayal is hard to overcome. So, you know you have a tough road.

 

Our concern here and now is how do you get your wife back, how do you earn her love, which is what you really need to do. You need to address how she feels, and right now she feels betrayed. But the last thing she wants is to be reminded of that betrayal, so the first thing you do, is once you know you are sorry and have apologized is top, stop mentioning it ever again. She may bring it up, but you should not.

 

Next, agree with her. At first agree with her on everything. No fighting about anything. If she wants you to do something, tell her you will. Whatever she wants, agree to it. No fights allowed.

 

Move out. Think about it. Move out or at least stop sleeping with her. She wants a little distance to sulk a bit in her hurt, give it to her.

 

If she wants two years, what are the terms. Think about those, because if you are just back to dating her, then you are out there. Get out there. I'd seriously consider remaining celibate, but I would also consider getting out there.

 

Next, you need to think about how you earn her trust back, how you make her feel you can be trusted. And that is about showing her things, not talking about them, showing them.

[ryan4622]

Yip, all you say is true.

I haven't confesed or denied anything yet. SHe told me about it an I just keot quit. Gave her time to talk.

Thanks for your advice!

[jna35]

Well..... I'll try to give you a little hope here. My husband cheated on me and after A LOT of work, tears and ultimately forgiveness,we worked it out and have been married now for almost 17 years. This happened about 13 years ago with his co-worker while I was pregnant.

 

I would say give her some space, let her "vent", accept responsibility for your actions, tell her you will do ANYTHING it takes for her to feel safe again, and get yourselves into counseling asap. If she won't go with you, go yourself. Trust is so easily broken, but can take a long time to rebuild. It is not impossible though. You will have to respect her feelings and whatever she decides to do. Personally, I loved my husband too much not to forgive him and move forward. It was hard, but well worth it. Today, I trust my husband and the affair is but a distant memory and has made me a stronger person and us stronger as a couple.

 

I wish you the best and hope things work out for you.

[ryan4622]

Thank you for your words. I'll do what you suggested. At;east there is hope.

[jna35]

You're welcome. Keep us posted and keep the faith!

[Stari]

There was a reason why you were vulnerable to cheating.

 

You had a need that was not met within your marriage. You probably were not even aware of the strength of this need. The unmet need was bottled up until it burst when opportunity appeared. The other woman was the crack in the dam.

 

If nothing would change in the relationship, your need would still not be met. In that case, you would once again become vulnerable to cheating.

[lillady898]

There was a reason why you were vulnerable to cheating.

 

However, just because someone is vulnerable to cheating does not mean they are justified in what they had done. He is in the wrong 100%. He should have communicated that his needs were not being met.

[Stari]

He is in the wrong 100%.

Both Ryan and his wife need to do things differently to create a relationship where neither spouse need to go outside the relationship to fill their needs.

 

He should have communicated that his needs were not being met.

If Ryan would have realised, before the cheating took place, how strong his need was, he would of course have told his wife AND been on his guard against situations that might tempt him.