help...going insane!

[yunyun_sin]

I'm going crazy here and was hoping to get some advice.

 

My boyfriend of a few months has gone away for a month - he'll be coming back next week.

 

The past couple of months I have been with him has been the happiest in my life - obviously he did play a big role in it, but I was content with life as a whole.I was the one full of insecurities and he was the one saying that it'll all be okay and he'd be back in no time.

 

Since he has been gone, I've said stupid things to him that I didn't even mean, and now he's doubting the relationship and his feelings towards me. The thing is, he got divorced relatively recently because his ex cheated on him, and he's got a very high barrier around his heart. He's told me that he's unsure of everything at the moment, not even sure if he wants to continue on with the relationship or is capable of loving me, and thinks that we both need to have a think. I know what I want - I want to be with him, and I want to be how we were just a couple of weeks ago. I mean, can you honestly decide on a relationship matter just by thinking about it rather than talking about it? He's also said 'it's about me, not you'. I was trying to give him some space and did not contact him for a couple of days but just had to last night and made the mistake of asking him if he's willing to give it a go. His answer was yet again, 'I don't know'.

 

I so do not want to loose him, and I have been so miserable for the past few weeks not knowing what's going on in his head.

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks...

[MaxPayne19]

Take some time to just go out and enjoy yourself. Get together with your friends and have some fun. The best thing to do right now is to not think about the situation and let it pull you down. When he is ready to have a serious talk he will come back to discuss it with you. If you really care for him just give him a little time to think things through, hes still is hurt by what his ex did to him. As long as you can show him that you really care about him without pressuring him into any decisions im sure things will go fine. Good luck to you.

[Shaun23]

Do not put any pressure on him. Give him time to clear his head,as he is obviously confused at the moment. Apologise to him for the things you said, and re-assure him that the reason you said the things you said is because you are scared to loose him. Tell him how happy he makes you,

any how hard it would be without him!

 

In a book "Men are from Mars(or Venus),can't exactly remember,they tell you that men retract to their caves when they have something on their mind.Let him stay in his cave,and let him come out on his own time. Do not rush him, but deffernity tell him your feelings!!

 

Keep us posted>>>>>

[yunyun_sin]

Thanks for the advice... thing is, how much time/space would be sufficient? I feel as though if I give him too much space he'll detach himself from the whole thing, but at the same time, I know the reason why it's turned out this way is because I pushed him too much, so I don't want to push anymore for the time being either... he is the kind of guy that needs a nudge from time to time, but it's just hard to figure out where the border line is...

[Shaun23]

How much time you ask??? As much as he needs!!

 

Thing is,he will make up his mind,and if he really has strong feelings for you,he will come back and explain to you why he felt this way.He needs the time in the cave to process all his thoughts.If he detatches himself as you said, then the feelings were not strong enough! I think you need to sit back, and give him the time.

 

Maybe,just to keep him knowing that you love him and still care for him,drop him a text message so now and then,saying "I am thinking of you" (or something to that effect,but nothing regarding your situation)!

 

Good luck!!!

[bum]

...

[Itsok]

This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. So, when he was here, everything was fine. Now he's gone and things fall apart? What? Most of the time distance and space like that makes a relationship stronger, not breaks it.

 

I don't understand really. I would go out with friends and do other things, don't dwell so much on this. You had a life before he came along right? Do those things, and spend more time worrying about yourself instead of him.

 

Don't contact him until he gets back. When he does, ask him if he's ready to discuss things. If not, give him another week or two. Then I'd contact him again, and you know what? If he still says, "I need more time," I wouldn't give it. I would ask him to make a decision because it's very selfish of him to make you sit in limbo while he decides if the relationship is worth continuing.

 

That isn't fair to you. Certainly it's ok to give someone space, but not forever while they leave you in limbo.

 

Remember, that's only my opinion. I don't believe in someone leaving you in limbo like that, taking a break, etc. In my mind, those things don't turn out so well mostly.

[yunyun_sin]

so... he came back this morning. Me and a few other friends were at the airport at 5:30 in the morning to greet him. I was imagining all kind of senarios for when we met, but in reality, I couldn't even look at him in the eye or even give him a hug - I'm sure I was smiling but I just frooze. *doh* There was a part of me so wanting to jump onto him but at the same time a part of me was telling me to keep cool. I just did not know what to do!

 

Anywayz, we came back to his flat, had a brief chat whilst he was unpacking and had a quick snooze before he headed off to work. Up until now, every morning without fail, once he gets all ready for work (I'm usually still in bed), he spends a minute or two caressing me before he shoots off. Today he just gave my hand a big squeeze. I said 'hug' as he was walking out the door and he gave me one. It might be completely psychological but it just wasn't the same.

 

I know I can't expect things to be exactly the same as it was before as much as I so wish it was, but how do I take it from here? How often do I see him, when do I bring things up? I just don't know where he stands at the moment. I have a feeling that he's not going to bring things up and will just see how it goes. Would I need to be the one to bring it up?

 

The confusion continues...

[TooNiceAGuy]

He's been gone a month. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes here. He came out of a divorce, he got cheated on. He's had some time. I see this as a few possibilities;

 

1 - You're his rebound, he's still thinking about his Ex and the possibility of forgiving and getting back with her.

2 - He's having a really hard time, just doesn't know what he wants.

3 - He's too afraid to commit again because he got hurt (cheating is a horrible pain, I've been there).

4 - He loves you, but doesn't know how to show it, and because of 1, 2, 3, he's having a harder time than normal.

 

I hate to say this, but regardless of the reason, it's not fair to you. You feel really bad because you put all your love into him, but you get none back. That's not a way to live.

 

You need to bring things up with him. He needs to make a choice. If he can't, do NC. He might come back, but move on in the meantime. Sometimes guys need a wakeup call to snap them out of their reality, you need to wake him up.

[yunyun_sin]

I know that possibility 1 is out of the question, but it can be anyone of 1,2 or 3.

 

Funny you mention the 'unfairness' thing because that was actually one of the things he mentioned when we had our 'big' talk a few weeks back - that at the moment he does not feel the same way I do for him so it is unfair of him to keep hold of me, and that I deserve better.

 

I've put a lot of thought into it since then, and the fact is, when we were together I was actually content with the way he had been treating me. He may not have said much, but his actions has shown his feelings towards me, and I was happy with that. It is very dificult to find someone who feels exactly the same way about you, and that balance changes all the time. We knew from the beginning that his walls were high and it would take quite a while to break it down, and I guess it's still in process. Bottom line is, I don't have much emotional baggage as he does so it was easier for me to fall for it and put my all into it. I'm happy to be doing so, and if we somehow manage to get back on track, I wouldn't want to ask anything more of him at this time and point - I just want it to be the way things were...

 

As people have said, I probably should talk about the issues - not so much about what happened but about what we both want and see if we can work it out together. I'll probably give him a couple days to get over the jetlag and settle back into life here first though...