Falling out of love????

[moondog627]

I'm also goin thru the exact same situation. My gf of 2 yrs broke up with me 2 months ago. She's 22 and was in a 3 year relationship right before me (I'm 27). So she's been in 2 major relationships since she was 17. She fell out of love with me, felt trapped, all that good stuff. She was THE love of my life and it's been probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with thus far. BUT, I'm becoming so much of a better person from all of this. I'm much stronger emotionally and physically (lost 25 lbs. in 8 weeks!!!). I hate her decision but it's something everyone has to do (be alone that is, at some point in their life). All too often people go into relationships being only 50% of themselves to make 100% as a couple. Things wind up so much better when each person goes in 100%.

 

I do kinda wish my ex had communicated her changing needs to me as I think I might have been able to meet her halfway, but again that's a maturity thing. Oh well, her loss.

[HushHush01]

Damn straight moondog. Good for you because I have done the same. Janim whatever you do just be honest with yourself. I have been knocked off very recently too, and the reson told to me was exactly what you are thinking.

 

If he cares about you he will understand. He will too realize that why would he want to somone thats not in it 100% at least for now. I am only a few years older than you and was able to take it and am still standing. While it does hurt sometimes I have realized this is life and never do anything half-assed.

 

It comes down do instinct, if deep down you are not sure then you will never be sure and in a few years if you stay with him they will resurface. Break it off easily now and then do what you are planning to do and in time you will realize if it was right. If it wasn't realize you are only 20.

[Janim7]

Thanks for your comments but I am not looking for a "true love" or other relationships... I am looking to find out "who I am" and to do this I feel I have to be on my own.

 

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and there have been many situations wher I have had to miss out on things... its just a shame I havent realised this until now!

 

Why do you have to be on your own to find out who you are?

 

Is it because he doesn't let you do things? Is he too controlling?

 

Controlling would be a harsh word to use but I definitely cant do some things because we are together and it would be too much hassle... he would be asking me what i was doing all the time... I dont feel thats what a relationship should be like... not all the time!!!

[Janim7]

Thanks for all your replies, they have been good helps 8)

 

I have tried to tell my boyfriend how I am feeling but he just cant understand how I can love him and care for him but not be "in love" with him... he cant stay calm... i start feeling guilty then just give up... because i dont want him to hurt anymore... its so hard...

 

any more advice???

[Janim7]

He now says "we are not splitting up" as if he is the one who decides... I know he is hurting and dont want to make it worse... but how do I get it through to him?

 

He says I was fine before i went away... but in my own mind i wasnt, he just didnt know about it...

[L8RISER]

There isn't really an easy way to break up if you still care about the other person. You just have to be straight to the point. Tell him why; tell him that it's not him, it's you (sounds like BS to the dumpee at first, but sometimes it really is true, and eventually they will see that); and then give them some time and space to allow it all to sink in.

 

Don't hang around discussing things in depth or arguing. You'll have an overwhelming desire to sit it out and try to explain every little thing to them, hoping they will suddenly understand and agree with you. But really the last thing someone who was dumped wants to hear is minuet detail about why you don't want to be with them. Just make your point and get out. If they have questions later, answer them later.

 

You can't give the other person any reason to think they have the slightest chance. It'll be devastating to them, and it may kill you to see them is such anguish, but you have to remain strong and be very clear about what you want. Giving them any "way-out"s or "maybe-if"s will just extend the pain and draw things out. Initially, the other person will say or do anything to get you back. They'll go through denial, and deal making. It will pass, but only if you ignore it. If you respond to that sort of thing, you will encourage it. Also, be prepared for them to suddenly become angry with you. At first they will be overly nice and compromising, but when that doesn't work, they'll become very pissed off. It will happen regardless of whether you did anything wrong or not, so don't take it personally. It's all part of the grief process. Even through they may act like they hate you, really deep down it's because they are still in love with you. Again, ignore it.

 

I take it you probably haven't been through this sort of thing yet. Be prepared to feel things that you thought you never would. You will miss them more than you can even imagine. You'll feel like you were the one dumped. You'll feel like you've made the biggest mistake of you life, and that you'll never find someone like the person you just rejected. It really is shocking how wrong you will feel about doing something that you know is so right in your head. Whatever you do, do not act on these feelings. As much as the dumped person, your mind will be clouded by very confusing emotions. Don't make anymore decisions until you are think with your head again, and not with your heart. And when all is said and done - No Contact. It gets said to dumpees all the time, but as the dumper you too should be practicing that. If they call you, don't respond. Maybe one day you would like to still be friends. Give it time, a lot of time. And wait for them to make that decision - it's their choice.

 

You're going to feel very lonely, and probably will think about getting back together. Just remember why you decided to break up and ask yourself if anything has change - besides being lonely now. And be prepared to take a long time to recover. I took several months to get over a 15 month relationship. I was the dumper, and it wasn't even a good relationship. Also, some days will be better than others. You might have a great week, and feel like the end is in sight only to drop into depression the next week. It'll be up and down, but eventually the ups will out number the downs.

 

Remember, staying with someone who you don't want to be with will hurt them more than leaving them. You've got to be happy to make them happy.

[Janim7]

Thank you L8Riser. We live together which is the hardest part and I really have nowhere to go if I want to carry on in my job (for now!) so getting away is the hard part. I think he may go to his mums which will hopefully help.

 

We havent exactly split up yet (officially) but I am already feeling like you say, wanting to make up so its easier on both of us, no hurting, but I just have to think back to the times when I have wanted to be apart and wanted space... hopefully I can stay strong and do it... I just feel so nasty!!!

 

Thanks again for what you wrote, I will make sure I keep looking back at it to stay on track.

 

Cheers

[steve-0]

Hi Janim7. Yea L8riser pretty much hit it on the nail with his post. The 4th and 5th paragraph is EXACTLY what I am going thru. I recently dumped my ex g/f of 1 year (it was one of those intense relationships where we spent every single day/night with each other) because I fell out of love with her and didnt feel the same way about her as I used to. I was questioning my feelings for her for about a month and then I went on vacation for a month and realized that i didnt miss her like I should have been and I was def not in love with her. So when I got back I broke up with her. This was not the best way to do it as she says I should have told her sooner if I had any doubts and I dwell on it but we all make mistakes and she seems to have forgiven me for it.

 

Let me tell you, breaking up with someone is one of the hardest things you will ever do. It just kills me to push someone away that cares about so much. Its ten times as bad as if you were to breakup with someone that you still cared for. I cared for my ex so much but wasnt in love. This was my first real girlfriend and my first real breakup. I am 24 and she is 21. It has been 1 month now and I am still feeling the pain, and I was the dumper! While we were dating I planned to breakup for a little bit and finally did it, but I had NO idea that I would feel this way. Its true that you will miss them more than you can imagine. You will also be second guessing the breakup for a long time, but deep down inside you will know you did the righ thting. Its gonna take a long time to heal. Its been one month and I am still healing. Just this morning I had a dream about one of the good times we had singing beatles songs together and I woke up all depressed haha. These things come out of nowhere. I have no other girl on the horizon so my loneliness sometimes gets the best of me.

 

However, as suggested by almost everyone. I am NOT practicing No Contact. It was my idea to stay friends and I just cant fathom the idea of having NC with a someone you shared so much with for so long. Its also hard for me to do the NC thing because she lives right accross the street from me and we are bound to run into each other every now and then anyway. This may be why the healing process is taking so long.

 

Like all people say, breaking up is all part of life and relationships. Deep down inside I still know I did the right thing because I wasnt in love with her and did not see a future with her at all. It would just be selfish to string her along because I was "comfortable". So yea, the decision to call it quits was hard not to mention the process. You will feel one emotion stronger than any other emotion you have ever felt...and thats GUILT. However, in the end its all about YOU!

[L8RISER]

My ex and I also lived together. I had to wait a month and a half before we were really separated. It was really hard. It felt like I was living with a complete stranger who happened to look like someone I knew from a long time ago. I suffered a lot of anxiety, went through all the usual obsessive-compulsive behaviours. I made him stay at a friends house for part of the time, living together was too much to bare. Inconvenient for him, but I was the one who got dumped. In my mind, if you make the decision to break up, then you take responsibility for making it. Giving me space was his responsibility. He might have been pissed off at first when I "kicked" him out, but months from now, a couple weeks on a couch won't seem all that significant. A break up has to be fast and clean.

 

In my first relationship, when I did the dumping, I found myself desperate for find some meaning in everything that happened. I thought, how could all that time and energy spent over 15 months amount to nothing? What was it all for? I had a hard time accepting that after everything we had been through, the relationship would only add to some memories and life experience. I thought there had to be something more.

 

I tried to keep my ex in my life as a friend. I mean we were friends when we were together, so shouldn't that continue. Maybe it was that deep friendship that would give meaning to all that time and energy spent on the relationship. He was desperate to keep me and so would have agreed to any plan that kept us together in some fashion. I also felt guilty and thought, if I was still his friend then I could still be there to support him, to make him feel happy, and lessen the pain he was feeling as a result of the break up I initiated. In the end, I really screwed with his head (he ended up on medication - not just because of me, but I certainly push him over the edge.) I was there, but never how he wanted me to be. I came in and out of his life. When I was away I would miss him, and when I was with him I felt like I was stepping backwards, and sliding into the past - not what I wanted.

 

The guilt I felt became self-perpetuating. I stayed friends partly out of guilt, but the closer I got to him the more guilt I felt, which in turn caused me to try and be even closer. He looked so miserable. But all the guilt and loneliness in the world wouldn't bring me back to him. Things got very messy. Eventually he had enough and forced NC between us. It's really hard to stay friends - especially for the dumped person. When you see your ex, you remember why you left them. But when they see you, they remember why they wanted to be with you again. Causes lots of conflict. If I still cared about him, NC is what I should have done.

 

Are you / is she ready to be friends?: Imagine being out for coffee together and one of you telling the other about this new person they just met. About how happy this person makes them, and how they are everything they were looking for in a partner. If you can both feel nothing but happiness for the other then you're ready to be friends. I know for me it'll take probably 6-8 months before I can stand hearing those things from my ex, and be happy for them.

 

The weird thing is after several months of NC in my first break up, being friends really didn't seem to be so important anymore. I think friendship are really dependent on time and place. Most friendships come and go just like relationships.

[Bigbilly]

Well, this has been interesting for me. My girlfriend of two years, (she is 18 and I am 23), recently broke up with me after moving into the dorms. Same story, she said she fell out of love with me, blah blah blah. We had a great relationship, but I guess the old adage "women don't know what they want" is true, especially at her age.

 

I know for a fact she immediately dove into the campus dating scene, telling me, literally, that "true love is out there, I am off to find it." She's had a number of "crushes" in the past few months, and a few failed encounters with guys. I guess she can't handle "emotional closeness" right now. Perhaps she is still getting over me?

 

I've accepted it, and my final email to her was "I love you, and I want you to be happy. You've got a lot of growing up to do, and I hope you find what it is you are looking for". Or something to that effect. I think she's honestly got a view of love and relationships that only an eighteen-year-old who's never had her heart broken can have. She's going to figure out soon that love isn't unending thrills and butterflies, but something deeper than that. She was too young to understand it, and I have to accept it.

 

I don't intend on waiting, I have a date tonight with another girl. I just wonder if I will ever hear from her again. We aren't "friends". She still has me on her MSN list, but I have her blocked. I really don't want these emotions being stirred up again, and I don't think anything good would come out of us chatting like we could just ignore everything we had together.

 

I can see now that these sort of long-term relationships at a young age are pretty bad for some girls. Some girls need to have that experience, they need to begin to understand what relationships really are, and that usually means they need to have their hearts broken once or twice, and need a couple good reality gut-checks. I miss my ex, because I felt we could have been very happy together, if only she were old enough to appreciate what we had together.

[Janim7]

I dont believe that all relationships that are started young are failures... because I have seen evidence they are not!

 

But what I am beginning to realise is that this relationship is not for me... its just a shame I didnt realise that before we started renting this place and I chose to live far away from any family and friends!

 

Update on what happened....

 

I told my boyfriend it was over and that I wasnt in love with him anymore and I want to be happy... but dont yet know what it is that will make me happy, just have to go out there and explore. He was devastated!!! Cutting a long story short he begged with me to give it one more chance... and I decided "why not?!" But made it clear to him if I wasnt happy again I would break up with him for good and wouldnt let him beg me back! But within a few days of all this he is starting to get back to normal, moaning about things I am doing all the time... and I really am not happy... I just dont know how to approach the subject again... if I'm honest I'm a bit worried what his reaction towards me might be....

 

Anyway... thats where it stands at the moment.

 

Bet you all think I'm awful dont you? I am going to have to move away to get through this I think...

 

Thanks for all your comments

[Fivek]

Excellent post, it's right on the dot on what I'm feeling today.

[Fivek]

Please make sure to come back and update us on your situation in a few months, after you have moved on and dated others.

[moondog627]

Most young people CAN'T appreciate someone special when they find them. I've only seen it happen once. I stated before that my ex of two years needed to be single. And she does. It sucks but she does have to be used, abused, cheated on, lied to. No guy will EVER treat her the way I did. My revenge is knowing she will realize this one day. And she will never have me back again. She'll probably wind up with some crackhead just like her mother. Hell, back in college I fell madly in love with a girl (my first love). SAME SITUATION. I treated her like gold, she eventually wanted to go out, be single, see what else is out there. Fast forward 4 years, no contact in between, she emails me out of the blue a few months ago apologizing to me for everything and telling me no guy has ever compared to me and she regrets everything. We're becoming friends again, which is cool, but I think she's starting to want more. And she ain't gettin it. Benefits maybe, but not a relationship. It's now been 3 months since I've been broken up. It was real hard at first but now I'm glad it happened. I don't want to be with someone that's too stupid to not realize a good thing when they have it.

[Bigbilly]

I understand you perfectly, Moondog. I am not so motivated by revenge, though. Honestly, I say I still love her, and I do. I do want her to be happy. She's a smart girl, just very young and she needs to figure out what it is she wants.

 

It's been about five days since I talked to her last on MSN. I've got her blocked now, and I have no idea if she realizes it or not. Last time we spoke, she said it was really good to hear from me again, and I guess that's a good thing, but at the same time I know that "being friends" just isn't possible. I would just wind up wanting her back, and I don't want to put myself through that.

 

I made the mistake of checking her livejournal a few days before we spoke for the last time. Sounds like she is having some issues with emotional closeness, and that she is starting to understand just how frustrating the dating scene can really be, especially in college. Perhaps she is still getting over me, or perhaps, as she put in her own words to me, she is "commitment-phobic". Sounds like ripe BS to me, but who knows. Her parents had a somewhat rocky relationship, and it may have affected her more than she realizes. When I accused her of sabotaging our relationship, she shot me the "commitment-phobic" remark and said "I think that considering my age, it's justified." *groan*

 

She really is a kid.

[Janim7]

Thought I would do an update on my situation and see if anyone has any more advice...

 

This weekend my boyfriend, we hadnt broken up but things were rocky and he knew I wasnt happy, was trying to be really nice to keep me happy etcetc... anyway, he found a text message on my phone from the man I met in Turkey... (although this part of the situation is quite irrelevant now!)

 

Big arguments, he was hurting big time, smashed my phone up and any sim cards I had used!

 

Anyway, skipping quite a bit here... I told him we cant be together and I finished it. He was upset and angry and everything else you would expect, and he left the house with my laptop (to stop me using it!)

 

I stayed at a friends house. He stayed at his dads.

 

Anyway... last night I was at my friends house and he text saying he needed me to come back and was threatening to harm himself if i didnt. But i didnt give in to the emotional blackmail, as much as I care about him and it would break me in pieces if he did do anything so stupid, it would be his decision and not my fault!

 

He was texting again this morning saying he needs me and cant be without me. I said I would come to the house and talk to him so I did that after work... but I cant tell him anything that will make him better. He wants me to say I will give it another chance, but I know deep down that it cant work. Its very tempting as he is promising to change and let me do the things I want to do... he has even suggested to take a "break" so i could go and find out who i am and what i want to do...

 

How it has been left is that I have told him that it wouldnt be fair to him or me to get back together. I said sorry, and the last message I got from him is "SO AM I"...

 

Do you think I am being wrong to ignore him when he is threatening to harm himself?

 

He is at his mums now down the road and I am in the flat, his choice, not mine... but who knows what will happen tomorrow.

 

That was probably all a load of waffle but as you can imagine I'm a bit messed up right now. Yes, I know he is more, but I am upset and do care about him, so it is hard to be doing it to him!

 

Thank you all for all your advice you have given, I have been able to read back on it and it reminds me that people do get through things worse than this... I just hope he does!

[Janim7]

One major thing he doesnt seem to be able to accept is that he doesnt believe I have given him a chance to prove we can be happy... because, I admit, we never really spoke about it enough before... but he has it in his head that people dont "just fall out of love" and there has got to be a reason for it... but I cant give him any other reason than my feelings have changed. I guess he will see what I meant in the future?!?

[Fivek]

One major thing he doesnt seem to be able to accept is that he doesnt believe I have given him a chance to prove we can be happy... because, I admit, we never really spoke about it enough before... but he has it in his head that people dont "just fall out of love" and there has got to be a reason for it... but I cant give him any other reason than my feelings have changed. I guess he will see what I meant in the future?!?

 

You didn't think you'd be able to still be friends with him, did you?

 

Don't expect anything friendship-wise out of him. It would be best to leave him alone. Please try not to string him along.

 

EDIT : Try to be as courteous as possible with him. After all, his feelings for you haven't changed. It's best to let him go and let him find happiness with someone who wants to be with him.

 

EDIT EDIT: Don't forget, its not him that's changed, it's you.

[renaissancewoman101]

Fivek, I agree with you, it is not good to string the guy along. It causes more pain for all around and when it does end, there is a lot of hurt feelings. In my case, I lost my feelings for my ex in Feb., but I didnt know what to do since I never had that happen to me. We continued our relationship but I began to pull away and curtail the time I spent with him. I also began to close up and not confide in him anymore. This went on until the summer when he had enough and he broke up with me in Sept. I had also gotten mean with him by picking on him about his mannerisms, way of dress, etc. stuff that I used to be ok with. Now, he is very hurt and afraid of me and has moved on to another girl I think. And I am left with a bunch of hurt feelings and anger for I now realize what I have lost.

 

Sudden loss of feelings for a guy is a hard thing to understand. I have a hard time dealing with that since that was the first time it happened to me. I can tell you one thing, it is a very weird feeling to have, to sudden have feelings for someone, and it all suddenly go away.

[Fivek]

Sudden loss of feelings for a guy is a hard thing to understand. I have a hard time dealing with that since that was the first time it happened to me. I can tell you one thing, it is a very weird feeling to have, to sudden have feelings for someone, and it all suddenly go away.

 

It just seems to me like loss of feeling (e.g. that "honeymoon") is just when both people get comfortable with each other. Men definetly feel most loved when they can be 100% comfortable with their SO. The key to finding happiness is finding a woman who realizes being able to be yourself around your SO is a gift, not a curse.

 

One major thing he doesnt seem to be able to accept is that he doesnt believe I have given him a chance to prove we can be happy

 

NEVER FORGET, you represented 50% of this relationship as well. It is your fault as well for falling "into the comfort zone."

[renaissancewoman101]

So then, how long is usually the honeymoon stage? I lost my feelings for my ex after a year and three months of dating him. And, it came all of a sudden just that weekend. He was the same as before. He showed me his true colors and actions, and mannerisms, likes and dislikes right in the beginning of the relationship because, as he said, he didnt want to get attached to someone and have that person dump him because of the way he was. If he showed the person right up front, how he was, that way the person would know what she was getting into.

[redandblack]

I think one of the root causes for this whole femal "quarter life crisis" is the failure to see the distinction between 'honeymoon' and 'true love'--outside and in.

 

I was the boy in this story, minus the angry rages and extended denial. It has caused me to search deep within myself.

 

When Cortes heard of the seven cities of gold, he searched all of his new world for it. He died, never finding what he was looking for. This story serves as a simple allegory for what many young girls are told about love. One can search the entire world and not find what they are looking for. In fact, they may be chasing after exquisite materialistic desires.

 

The only love is found in truth.

The only truth is found in one's self.

A person can travel the planet searching for love,

But that person is searching in all of the wrong places.

 

There is such thing as bad boyfriends and yes, some needs may not be met. I just wish people would think about what they have and how things can be fixed before they initiate a cut-and-burn policy with eachother's feelings.

[Juha]

AMen RedandBlack

 

The flight syndrome is like an epidemic now...People jsut leave and do not care about how the other person feels or why or what happened to them just move on...It did not work oh well...

 

Especially younger women they have no clue what the hell love or being in a real relationship is....They always think there is something better out there and bounce around with their next love of their life...

 

Meanwhile the person who they will regret losing or wonder about years from now will be long gone and they will be stuck with the losers they have chosen over that time...They never look and see what they have just what they dont have...

 

By then they are stuck with the scraps.......

[Trax]

Wow, this is a really good thread.

 

My situation is very similar to all of yours. My ex broke up with me because she didn't love me anymore, loved me as friend, had moved on, changed, was happier without me, etc...The whole litany of excuses. She was my first true love and first real girlfriend. She had been in relationships previously, so I assumed that she'd have more of an idea what she wanted. She's 23 and I'm 24 b-days about 6 months apart.

 

There were times where we were unsure, but after she came back from a 10 day vacation she proclaimed to me that she was absolutely sure she wanted to be with me and I felt the same. Everything between us seemed fine and we were working on our differences. Then, one day out of the blue she tells me she can't be with me anymore. She didn't make a clean break and wasn't completely honest with me. She said maybe we'd get back maybe not. I'd had enough of waiting around and confronted her when she finally told me that it was really over. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago I see her making out w/ some dude at a bar. I don't know if she had been in contact w/ this guy while we were together or not (she claims no, but who knows). She always would use the same lines over and over again when I asked her for more answers. She had just "moved on" in her life.

 

The thing that bugs me the most was that approximately 3 weeks prior to that at my friend's wedding, according to him she said that I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had and the first one she had truly loved. Its very scary and disturbing to me in a way that she could so easily and quickly fall out of love with me for what seemed like the course of a weekend. She claims it had been over a longer period of time, but she never acted differently or became distant. She certainly did not come to me to talk about whatever feelings she was having. She did mention to me that I did nothing wrong and that things were good between us, but not "great".

 

After reading through this thread, it seems that maybe she too feels like there is something better out there. She's already jumped into the dating game, and I'm just left with the hurt and sorrow of what went wrong, when apparently nothing did. The thing is I know she isn't going to find it, not with some rebound anyway and when she realizes what a special relationship we had it will already have been too late.

 

Its so baffling to read these stories and how similar they are on how these women between 20-25 all of a sudden regardless of past experience are thinking the grass is greener elsewhere when they were treated so well and loved in their relationships.

[Fivek]

Just wondering, have any males on this forum (or know any guy) who has "lost their feelings?" A man who says he's lost his feelings for a woman usually never had them in the first place, it seems.

 

What I'm trying to do is perhaps shed light for all us male dumpees on the differences between the male and female mindset. We tend to establish a relationship, establish boundaries and perimeters, and exist happily within them. Women on the other hand, at a young age it seems like over time they want to explore and see what else is out there.

 

It is truly sad to see that the loss of innocence is required before a woman will ever come down to earth again. No wonder they say no relationship is ever like your first.