What in the world is going on with him? Please help.

[Yowser_76]

Hey everyone. I had originally posted this in another thread but have decided to move it here. I'd really love some opinions and I need all the support I can get. I apologise in advance for it being so long but please stick with me.

 

I started seeing my ex nearly five years ago. He had just come out of a three year relationship and told me from the start that he didn't want another relationship straight away. I was fine with that but over time it just developed into one anyway. Before long we were inseperable, spending every possible minute together and after five months he told me he was deeply in love with me. I felt the same way. Everything was perfect...everybody thought so. Our friends told me they'd never seen him so happy. We talked about our future together and it seemed like we'd always be together.

 

Then after we'd been together for 18 months, he backed away. He broke up with me, only to tell me the next morning that he wanted me back. But before long it happened again. He said that he'd gone straight from one serious relationship to another and that he needed time to be himself and find out who he was. ( I should mention he was only 19 when we got together...I was 23). He admitted he was scared he was making a huge mistake letting me go but that he needed to do it anyway.

 

I won't lie...I fell apart. I did everything wrong. I messaged and phoned him continually. I begged and pleaded for him to work things out but of course, nothing worked. To make things worse we kept seeing each other, kept sleeping together...in a lot of ways it was like we were still together. It only came to an end over a year later when I actually started to move on. He realised I was interested in someone else and came running. He said he'd never stopped loving me and that he wanted me back. So we got back together and within two months we were living together.

 

This time things were different though. The relationship seemed to revolve around him and because I was so scared of losing him again I let him get away with a lot. I think we'd lost the friendship we had before. We stopped going out and having fun together, we stopped communicating. There were so many issues between us and we just rushed back into things instead of taking time to resolve them. We still loved each other so much but there were definitely issues between us. Finally in December we broke up again. He said he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. He admitted that it was really hard because he knew how good I was and that I was the only person who had always been there for him. But we did need space so I moved out and got my own place.

 

We stayed in touch over Xmas and New Year. But in January I decided I needed a break. We'd had a couple of fights and I was hurt so I walked away. After a week he started to message me, telling me he missed me and wanted to see me. Finally after over a month I gave in. I missed him so much. I knew that if nothing else I wanted to be his friend and he agreed. But before long we were back in the same situation as before...sleeping together, spending nights at each others houses. I tried not to put any pressure on him. I never spoke about a relationship, just friendship. I believed we needed to get to know each other again..be friends again. If we could do that maybe one day the timing would be right and things would work out with us...if not then at least we'd be good friends.

 

In April my best friend and I were offered six months work in Shanghai. I went to talk to my ex about it. He said he didn't want me to go but that it would be a good experience for me. And his exact words were "I'm not worth sticking around for at the moment, but maybe I'll be worth coming back to". The trip ended up falling through but what he had said made me feel like things were at least ok with us. He still seemed to really care. And then in May in a moment of drunkeness he said he still loved me. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But I was happy to think things might work out.

 

But then everything changed. I'll admit straight out a lot of it was my doing. I suffered a serious bout of depression...like nothing I've ever experienced. It didn't really have anything to do with my relationship or my ex, I just felt lost in my life. I considered killing myself. Sometimes I was fine others I could barely get out of bed. When I was good my ex still wanted to spend time with me and we kept sleeping together, but when I was down he couldn't deal with it. I'd sms him A LOT needing help and support and he'd run screaming in the other direction. Finally in June we had a HUGE, UGLY fight. I can't deny I acted badly but HE got nasty. He told me over the phone that I wasn't worth the effort to him, that he'd never been happy with me and that the only good thing he'd gotten out of our relationship was sex. It hurt like hell. After a couple of days I got angry and confronted him. He apologised a lot but apart from that he just closed up. I ended up leaving him sitting there. After a week or so he started messaging me again. I'm weak when it comes to him so I gave in and started spending time with him again. I thought things were good but then he started acting differently. He kept cancelling plans and seemed distant. Finally in mid July I got fed up. We had spent a great night together, and agreed to go to the movies a couple of days later. But when I called him he said he'd forgotten and was too busy. We ended up fighting and he told me he was embarrassed to be seen with me because he didn't know what his friends would think about us hanging out together. It was pretty ugly and we didn't see each other for a couple of weeks.

 

During that time I found out my depression was caused by medication I'd been taking for a health problem and finally got it all sorted out. I felt terrible about the way I'd been acting so I called him to explain and apologise. At first he wouldn't listen he just started yelling at me again. But once I told him that I was calling to say I wanted a break for a couple of months to get myself back on my feet he changed his tune. He agreed it was what we needed and he hoped we could start over after it. Then he dropped the bombshell...he said he was 'kind of' seeing someone else. I didn't really react...I didn't know what to say. It was only three weeks since he'd been spending nights with me. Funnily enough it didn't get me that down...I still wanted to try and be friends and hope for the best. That weekend he sms'd me saying that he missed me a lot and hoped I was well. I thought things were cool so a couple of days later I sms'd him because I saw his uncle on TV...it was completely harmless. But he was downright rude to me. I was shocked and asked him what was going on. He replied that he was in bed with this girl and the last person in the world he wanted to talk to was me. It hurt so much. The following day I was so upset I kept messaging him, trying to get him to explain. In the end he rang and absolutely went off at me. He told me that he was sick of my crap, that he didn't give a f*** about me at all, that we would never be together and that I drove him to treat me badly. He even blamed me for making him fight with his new girlfriend. I was speechless and just took it and once he'd calmed down a bit he said he was sorry...that he just needed a break and that we would be good friends again in a couple of months. By this stage I was so upset and confused I just agreed and got off the phone.

 

I didn't talk to him for a few days then he started messaging me again. On the Sat night I went out for my b'day and in my drunken state I agreed to see him. He ended up spending the night and not leaving til late the next day. When he left he seemed weird so after a couple of hours I sms'd him just asking if we were ok. He replied that we were good and said sorry for how he'd acted, he was just really hungover and tired.

 

The following weekend I left for my holiday. The night before I sent him a message letting him know I was going and that I hoped things would be better when I got back. He said he agreed but the way it was worded was quite abrupt and again I asked him if we were ok. He said we were good but that I needed to leave it alone for a few weeks. My whole holidays I was upset...I felt like he hated me and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I sms'd him once to ask if he hated me and he said 'not at all...just leave it alone for a few weeks.' Nearly a fortnight later I had to text and ask about some mail of mine. He didn't answer so after few hours I sent the same message again. He replied but again he seemed abrupt so I asked him why he wasn't talking to me. This is the reply I got - 'I told you I would talk to you when I got back from my holiday. If you can't deal with that then go away. I don't care'. I have a bad tendency to push when I'm hurt so I called him and asked why he was being so nasty. He just started going off at me saying he'd told me to leave him alone. I told him I hadn't contacted him for nearly two weeks and he said whoopee. I told him I felt like he hated me and he yelled 'at the moment I do'. He said he'd been really looking forward to seeing me but that now that I'd called he didn't want to see me at all. I tried to talk to him but he hung up on me. I rang back and was greeted by a woman's voice. She told me that she was his girlfriend now, and to f*** off and leave him alone. I told her to mind her own business and she hung up on me too. By this stage I was so upset and angry so I called back again. He answered and I told him that what had just happened was bull**** and he had no right to treat me that way. He said that every time I contacted him he got into heaps of trouble with her. I told him it wasn't my problem...that I was only trying to be his friend and make things better and I hung up. He sent me a sms a few minutes later apologising and saying that he needed time and space to figure out how he felt. I asked him how he could be so cruel to me. He said he couldn't talk because his girlfriend was too angry but that he'd always planned to call me when he got back from his holiday and he still would. I just kept asking him how he could be so nasty. The last message I got said that he would talk to me when he got back.

 

He's been back two weeks now and I haven't heard a thing from him. I sent him a letter telling him that I thought the way he'd treated me was completely unfair. I admitted I'd made A LOT of mistakes but said honestly that I'd never truly done anything wrong by him. I'd never been cruel or hurt him, I'd never used him, I'd still always been there for him. I told him that letting his new girlfriend speak to me that way was really low as she knew nothing about the kind of person I was, or the things I'd done for him. And finally I told him that if he hated me that much and wanted me out of his life forever it was his loss. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it but I needed him to know it wasn't ok to treat me that way and that he'd truly hurt me. My friends and family all agreed that he needed to read it.

 

I'm doing my best to get by but honestly somedays I feel like dying. Each day is a struggle. It hurts so much. I have no intention of contacting him again. I know I can't keep trying to make things right or keep being here for him but that doesn't make it any easier. In the space of a few months he's gone from loving being around me to hating my guts. I can't understand it. Why would he want to hurt me so much? Even he's said that I'm the only one who's always been there for him and that I'm the best, most caring person he knows. So how can he not care about losing me from his life forever? I keep thinking about things...wondering if it was my fault...if I drove him away. I don't understand anything...I just feel lost.

 

My family and friends have been amazing. They keep telling me that I didn't do anything to deserve this and to stop blaming myself. And that after the way he's been treating me he doesn't deserve to be in my life, (I know they're right). And they say that obviously he's pretty messed up but that one day I WILL hear from him...it's just gonna take a while. In fact they think that by the time he sorts his s*** out it'll probably be too late. I'm doing my best to move on but it's so hard. He never even said goodbye.

 

What do you guys think? Is he really screwed up or has he changed that much? Is it a lost cause? I know I shouldn't even care but I do. I don't understand anything. The only thing keeping me going is the thought that what goes around comes around. That someday everything he's done will catch up with him and he'll realise what he's lost. I want to believe I'll hear from him again. Maybe I'm crazy but I don't know what to think. My head is spinning.

_________________

[nataliejulie]

I'm very sorry about your situation.

 

To be very honest...

A few things caught my attention.

1. You two keep going into the pattern of being in a "relationship" without the actual committment.

2. You walk on glass for him.

3. He changes his mind with the blow of wind.

4. He slept with you while with a new girlfriend.

5. He was angry with you over the phone. I'm guessing once the girlfriend was "away" he had time to text and apologize.

6. He jumps to one serious relationship to the next!

 

This is very unhealthy. You are letting this guy walk all over you. Not only that, he has his cake and can eat it too. He knows he can get that comfort, the sex, the love, or whatever he can't get out of his new girlfriend.. out of you, without having the committment. He knows he can get it and walk away whenever he wants... He feels guilty about this and to try and suppress the guilt, he blames you for ridiculous things and makes you look like the bad guy.

He says you are the most caring person he knows. EXACTLY. He's using this wonderful person in you to better himself.

 

My advice? Don't talk to him. I know it's easier said than done and no dumper wants to hear "he's bad, move on bla bla bla".

You have to stand up for yourself. Get some security. Stop walking on glass. Get the self esteem up! I'm serious! Work on yourself.

 

In any case... if you want to salvage this relationship or even a friendship, don't talk to him. The more he see's you are independent and you have a good pair of balls on you, the more better off you will be in the long run. Let him spend time with his new girlfriend. Hell, he's already cheated on her so that relationship is off to an awesome start!

 

I did this with someone before. Someone I dated for 3 years, I was young, he was much older than me. We lived together on and off. We were on and off for two years. I even made jokes like, "Oh, He's calling me again.. I bet he just broke it off with the new girl he's seeing" And don't even let me tell you how many times I've said that. I went back to him every time. Relationship with no committment then he'd drop me for someone else. The fourth time he did this, he just got out of a year relationship with someone and I was with my ex. I wasn't having it. Of course, we are best of friends right now and talk about our current problems and relationships.

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[kellbell]

Wow, what an ordeal. Beware, my post may be brutually honest. Altough I don't agree with how he was playing the "revolving door" on you in the beginning, you have to take responsibility too. He asked you repeatedly to leave him alone and you didn't respect his wishes. You didn't give him the space he asked for. The fact you did this, he's losing respect for you. Every text, message, email, phone call causes a little piece of respect he has for you to go away. Plus, girl, you have to respect yourself! If you don't respect yourself, no one is going to either.

My advice to you, is to leave him alone for awhile. I know it's hard. I went through something very similar as you and I hated myself so much for it afterwards. I don't want the same for you. There are so many things I would have done different. Start focusing on youself and do some self reflection. One day at a time. Start doing things for YOU! You have negelcted yourself in every way tango-ing with this guy. That's why you are so miserable, you lost yourself completely in this whole situation and now you have nothing to fall back on, that's not healthy at all. Go to the spa and treat yourself. Start working out, take a class in something. Start putting yourself first. I truly hope you find peace within yourself and that you feel better real soon. Take care and all the best.

[Yowser_76]

Thank you NatalieJulie...I was starting to think no-one could get through my long winded post

 

A couple of things you said really hit home -

 

1. I DO walk on glass for him. I've always tried so hard to take care of him and make him happy. He used to love that about me...now he doesn't seem to appreciate anything I've done (and believe me I've done A LOT for him). I know I've been his doormat for WAY too long and that it was a mistake. But hey, it's hard to say no to someone you love so much.

 

2. He WAS angry with me over the phone. It was only EVER over the phone...he'd never do it in person. In the last letter I sent him I told him if he wanted to be nasty and hurt me then to at least have the guts to come and do it to my face. And you're right he yelled at me in front of his new girlfriend...the text came later, I'm guessing she didn't know about it.

 

I'm doing what you said...I'm not going to talk to him. I know he needs to learn that it's not ok to treat me that way and I really need time to find my feet again. My self esteem has hit the floor and even now I'm finding it hard not to blame myself for what's happened. I'm doing the best I can to be positive and look after myself but it still hurts to think of him hating me so much.

 

My friends and family have told me that I won't hear from him for a while because he's sulking...I finally stood up to him and he doesn't like it one bit. But they all all think that at some stage he's going to contact me...that he's going to realise what he's lost. I don't know...I'm certainly not getting my hopes up.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Yowser_76]

Kellbell, I DO hate myself.

[kellbell]

That's the right attitude, it's his loss. That's great you have friends and family by your side, they will be a tremendous help to you. I would be lost without my family and friends. I'm sorry you went through a heck of an ordeal. Things will get better, I promise. One day at a time.

[Yowser_76]

I just can't stop thinking that so much of this is my fault and that I deserve everything I got. I should have been stronger.

[kellbell]

Hey girl,

 

Don't hate yourself, I guess the better way to put it, I HATED my actions. At times, I wished I was able to turn back time and do stuff different. But we learn, sometimes, the real hard way, and it sucks! Anyway, it wasn't my intention to be mean, I guess your situation hits a personal note for me and I guess I don't people to make the same mistakes as me because it hurts a lot. Like I said before, try to take it one day at a time and treat yourself to a spa or a pedicure. Lots of hugs to you.

[kellbell]

I do agree with your siggy..."love makes you do the wacky" True that!

[Yowser_76]

Thank you.

 

But I do blame myself. I knew that what I was doing was wrong...I was just so hurt and confused. I wanted him to talk to me, I wanted to understand. And now I think I've ruined everything forever. He hates me so much.

 

I really am doing the best I can to look after myself. I know I'll get there eventually but it's hard.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

[kellbell]

Yoswer, I PM'ed you.

[Yowser_76]

Thanks. And I hope everyone can excuse my mini meltdown. I fall apart a whole lot easier these days

[nataliejulie]

Sweetheart, it will be okay. Maybe some things to help the self esteem out will be and go out for a make over! New hair! Work out! New clothes! (shopping is my therapy! haha!!)

 

Keep thinking about how you don't want to be a doormat anymore..

Keep thinking that RIGHT NOW he is NOT the man you fell in love with..

Keep thinking that you will only PURSUE a man you fell in love with..

And right now, he should be PURSUING YOU!

 

He may love you, he may care in his own soft of warped way... But he's only thinking for him right now. Do the same, think of yourself.

 

I don't care what break up situations we are in... but it all comes back to the same thing...... Once you show independance, self esteem, confidence in yourself... it REALLY shows and brings some results!

[Yowser_76]

Nataliejulie, thank you for your kind words.

 

I'm trying really hard to focus on myself...I know I need to figure out what I want and try to get some of my old confidence back. I want to get back to the person I was before all this happened...I actually liked her. Somewhere along the way I lost myself.

 

On top of trying to process everything the thing that's hardest for me to deal with is the thought that I've lost him from my life forever. I really don't know if I'll ever hear from him again, although my friends think I will. I don't know yet how I feel about him or what I want in terms of a relationship but I did think he'd always be in my life. I'm trying to be positive and I'm not going to break NC, but I am worried. I miss him so much.

 

I know only time will tell what happens from here and for now I'm just taking each day as it comes. Somedays are good and I feel fine...others, like today, are SO bad and I cry at the drop of a hat. But I have faith that in time the good days will outweigh the bad.

 

As for shopping? Don't even get me started! My poor old credit cards are looking SAD, SAD, SAD

[Yowser_76]

I've hit the floor again today. I feel so sad.

 

I had bad dreams about my ex last night. He was yelling at me, telling me how much he hates me...he even threw things at me. It brought back all the terrible things he said and it's really shaken me up. I woke up with a awful hollow feeling inside me and it won't go away. I just want to cry.

 

It's been nearly three weeks and still no word. People keep telling me that in time he'll work things out in his head and I'll hear from him, but I don't know. I'm starting to give up. He used to say he wanted me in his life forever...that I was the best person he knew. Now it seems he's just happy to be rid of me. I want to be positive but I have NO IDEA what he even thinks or feels about me. I hate this