Boyfriend to close to his ex? Or is it just for their child?

[Smarie]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and we love each other very much. We have no problems at all, except for when his ex-girlfriend comes around. He and his ex have a 3 and a half year old son and they are still *friends* because of it. I totally trust him and dont think that he would cheat on me but there are so many things that feel like the 2 of them are doing to just try to make me mad.

 

When we first got together, I knew that he did have a child and thought that I would be able to deal with it ok. I have never been in a relationship before with anyone that has any children and I have no children myself so this was going to be something new for me. Despite my lack of knowledge in the situation, I stuck it out.

 

We dated for a couple months before I met his son, then a couple more after that before I met his ex. When we first got together I was not a big fan of kids, but after being with his son he was the most adorable thing. He was right around 2 then. As time went on, he would receive phone calls from her all the time, which he would go in the bathroom to finish his phone call, and she was constantly around trying to *pry* in our business it seemed. After that I realized he takes pretty much all of his phone calls in the bathroom no matter who it is, and her love for trying to get into our relationship still burned from inside her.

 

And her background....she met a guy when she was still with my boyfriend and is now married to him and they have a son also. She offered a couple times for us to join her for dinner, with her now husband, and the 4 of us could go out sometime. When I was at work she even called my boyfriend *baby* on accident and made sure to tell him not to tell me. Why does she think that I would want to go out with my boyfriends ex? And whenever she comes over to pick up/drop off their son, she is always here for long periods of time *catching up* on what happens in my boyfriends family and asks my boyfriend to look stuff up for her on the computer and what not.

 

Last week, my boyfriend had to stop over to her house to drop something off and he said he was only gonna run in and run out, so I came with him. After he left me sitting in the car for a half an hour, he finally came out and got in the car and expected me to not be mad. Was this his fault or her fault? She is a talker...did she just keep talking to him because she knew I was in the car? Or did he dilly-dally to hang out with his ex for a minute? I dont want to believe that, because as I said, I trust him 100% What is compelling her to do this? Does she really want to know or is she just doing it to make me mad? I dont get it.

 

Their son is now almost 4 and I have no say it what he does. Which I can understand because I am not his parent. But its ok that I feed him and take him to the bathroom and watch him when my boyfriend wants to go out somewhere. But anything pertaining to what he does I cant say anything about because I *am not his mother*. i.e. he is almost 4 as I said earlier and still drinks a bottle. He plays video games that a have the over 18 warning on them because you shoot people and what not. I have a problem with this but my boyfriend insists on telling me that I dont have anything to say because I am not his mother and I have no children to base my feelings on. And when I get upset because his son back talks to me, I am supposed to let it go in one ear and out the other. But when I say something to my boyfriend about it, I am elaborating to make my story seem better...or whatever.

 

Besides the deal that I have with his son/ex, we have a pretty healthy relationship. We have money problems now and then, sometime a little more often then not, but we make it through ok. It just really bugs me that he is still friends with his ex-girlfriend to this extent. He keeps telling me that they are only friends for their son and made that agreement when they split up. But it seems to be more than that to me sometimes. And trying to talk to him about it is out of the question because we always end up in a huge fight and he screams that I always want to fight about the same thing and this is the way it is going to be.

 

Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way. I mean, I am happy that they still get along because they do have a child. My parents separated when I was very little and never got along so I know what that side of the road is like too. So its not that I want them to fight all the time, just that I want her to back off and stop trying to always make me mad about something. And for him to realize how much this hurts me. He is supposed to love me and be in a relationship with me, and instead of worrying about my feelings getting hurt, he is always at her beckoned call.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? I do not know where to go from here? Please somebody help me...tell me I am still sane at least. Thanks!!!!

[melrich]

Yes you are sane. And your feelings are understandable. The dynamics of your relationship are diificult....being a "step parent" is often a thankless and difficult role.

 

First I do think that you are overreacting concerning the ex. In fact it seems that one of the things that you do have going for you in all this is that your b/f and the ex get along...even more that she is willing to try and establish a relationship with you. Believe me, things are 10 times worse when the ex is hostile.

 

You have to accept that parenting takes a lot of work an co-operation. It is very natural for the parenst to want to discuss their child, especially as you b/f has limited access.

 

Second, about your role with the child. I do think you have a right to have some say, particularly as you are providing a level of care. You should talk to your b/f about this. About the fact that you want to be able to express your views without the "your not his mother card" being played on you. Its a delicate conversation and ultimately you have to accept that parenting decisions are the parents but you need to have a forum to have your say and have it respected.

 

I certainly understand your issues, it is a difficult role but the fact that you are seeking advice on it is great. there are many sites on the internet devoted to step parenting, maybe you could do some additional research there.

[kellbell]

Let me begin with feelings are never wrong, they just ARE. You have decided to carry on in a relationship with a man who has a child with another woman. They are tied together forever, so that's part of the deal with your relationship with this man. And from you wrote, she has not really done nothing wrong. She has met another man and married him, so it is clear to me that she has moved on with her life and so has your man by moving on with you. This woman is setting an example for her son and trying to make the best of the situation that she can. Your man is right, you are not his mother, not even his stepmother, so you really don't have a say in his upbringing. It's frustrating but there is nothing you can do or say. You have put yourself in this situation knowing full well that this man has a son and is still in full contact with the mother. These are the cards you were handed and whether or not you want to play them, that's up to you. I do have to say that you are pretty lucky that this woman plays nice with you because you are definitely an exception. I would be thankful for that and she's a big enough person to accept you looking after HER son and letting you be her life as well as her son's. You wrote you trust your man, well, in these kind of situations, they test love to the extreme. Keep that trust you have in mind and your love for him, evertything will fall into place. Wishing you all the best and take care.

[Smarie]

I thank you both for replying to me as I really had no place else to turn. I will try to look more into a step-parent program somewhere. Even a forum for that matter. I really have more of a problem dealing with the ex though. She drives me crazy and I really cant figure out why. I am just not one to get along with most females, no offense to anyone out there, so I think thats a big part of it. I just look at every thing so far fetched from a *What if* stand point. I cant figure it out. Drives me crazy that I feel this way and I know I have to stop it but I cant. I thought about going to couples counseling or something but that is so expensive. And I think it might be more of a problem in the long run because then I will end up with....you told her this.....and....you told him that....whichever the scenario may be. Hopefully I can get over this somehow. I think its just the age gap, because I am only 21, my boyfriend 28 and his ex is about 30-31.... so I havent reached that level yet I guess. Still a little of my immaturity coming out Well, thanks again!!!

[DN]

Anybody who recognises that they may be acting a little immaturely is well on the way to maturity. You are also good at analysing your feelings and seem very self-aware. Good for you. Keep doing that and you will be fine.

[Smarie]

Thank you very much!! My boyfriend being a little older than me, I tend to act alot more grown up than my age. But the situations that I have to deal with I do not know how to deal with in a more mature way then I already know, which I am sorry to say I find immature. Im learning though, every morning a new day for me to figure out what I have done wrong. Every night gives me a chance to fix it.

[Iceman26]

I dont think there is anything wrong with you feeling the way you do. With all due respect, I think you are putting up with too much by dating a guy with a kid, not to mention a guy who is that close to his ex.