Anxiety, college, and father's verbal abuse.

[Jen2007]

Hi. I'm just starting my third year of university, in the city where I grew up. To save some money and at their urging, I decided to living with my parents. Although our relationship has improved a lot since my high school years, it's still pretty bad with my father. He's not physically abusive, although he was before I graduated high school. Most of the time now he's just verbally abusive, with almost no provocation.

 

I spend most of my time at school since I take a lot of classes per quarter (I'm double-majoring) or with friends. When I'm at home, I'm usually in my room. Frequently, when I stay out late, (past 1am), he'll call me on my cell phone and tell me to come home, even though it's really my decision to stay out if I want to. Usually, I'm just with friends and we're watching movies or having coffee.

 

Once, I was with a friend who lives literally 5 min. from my house, and we were just up late talking and he called me. I said I didn't want to come home, and that I was going to stay over at her place. He then told me that it wasn't okay, and I responded that it was in fact okay, because it was my decision to make. He then asked me how I could expected to get married, because no respectable woman would stay out as late as I do. I got upset and asked him what he meant by that, and he hung up on me. When I home the next morning and pulled into the driveway, I saw his car and didn't want to go inside the house. He must've heard my car because he came outside, and told me to get inside the house. I was pretty irritated at this point so I told him I'd come in when I was ready. He then tried to open the passenger door and I drove off. I got kind of a scary flashback of when he and I used to physically fight.

 

My dad isn't like this all the time, and especially not now that I'm 20, but I can tell that he's irritated that I'm growing up and he doesn't have as much control over me. He's also really condescending (verbally) to my mom, but she strikes back at him, and usually he backs down, or throws a tantrum and leaves the house. With me, it seems like he just finds a reason to bother me out of the blue, and continues saying provacatory statements until he gets a rise out of me. He'll frequently say I'm ignorant, stupid, and idiot, need to listen to him more, and that my academic plan (in terms of majors) is unrealistic and I won't be able to get a job, ever. He'll try to explain to me why my "life is a failure," or why I didn't get into Stanford (the university I really wanted to go to when I was in high school), but my sister did. He insulted me about my eating habits and weight until I became a vegetarian. He's moved onto bothering me about staying in my room too much, and watching movies or talking on the phone when I "should be doing school work". I asked him how he could possibly know what I do in my room, and he said he had ways of keeping track of what I was doing.

 

I've been really good about ignoring him for the past couple of months, since I started taking anti-depressants. I've told my mother, and although she didn't like the idea at first, she's okay with it now. I'm afraid she might tell my dad about the medication. He doesn't believe that doctors/medication do anything and would almost certainly try to get me off of the anti-depressants.

 

Lately, I've finally started to understand that my dad's behavior is abusive. I'm still afraid when he calls my cell phone, or when I come late, like I was when I was a teenager. I also feel angry, like I'm too old to be treated this way. I've tried to explain that much to him, to no avail. He's sexist and a lot of his comments imply that I'm not intelligent or practical enough to make decisions for myself because I'm female.

 

I don't have the money (at least not now) to move out, although I do plan on studying abroad next year. Am I just fooling myself into thinking that I can ignore my dad until then and just hope he will leave me alone?

[DN]

I doubt he will change so long as you are living in his house. He has a controlling personality and so long as he feels he has a right to tell you what to do he will do exactly that. He feels he has that right because you are still living in his house.

 

Are you sure that you cannot get a student loan or something like that, in order to move out? Share with friends, room-mates, dorm? Maybe get a job to help pay for that?

[Jen2007]

Thanks for the response. I should probably take out a bigger loan, so I can move out. I really didn't want to be in a lot debt after graduation, and I've heard so many horror stories...but I'm starting to think it's worth it. I can't deal with all of the stress and then, his harassment on top of all it. I'm beginning to think it's unhealthy.

[DN]

I think it is unhealthy - and it can't help your studying. Should it adversely affect your grades, and possibly jeopardise a good degree, that could potentially affect your income later on. A better degree may mean better job = more money = pay off loan quicker anyway.

[Dannysgirl]

Hi Jen,

 

I have been in exactly the same situation except that it was my mother who was being abusive towards me. I made the decision to move into halls of residence two christmases ago and have hardly spoken to her since. After I left it felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I became healthier and happier immediately, it was probably the best decision I ever made.

 

Living in that kind of environment probably will affect your grades because you are so unhappy so if you really want to do well and show your father and everybody else what you can do your best bet is to move out.

 

The first thing I did when I made the decision was to go to the student union and talk to a counsellor, I talked it through with her and she helped me get into the halls of residence. She arranged for 300 pounds to be put in my account from the harship fund (you don't have to pay this back) because I was completely destitute after my mother's blackmail (long story).

 

There are people at the student union that can and will help you, please go and see a counsellor and talk about these issues you are having with your father I'm sure they wil do their utmost to help you.

 

If you need to talk free to PM me.

 

Good luck to you, you DONT have to tolerate this!

[Caterina]

Sounds familiar. Basically, yeah, what they said. YOu are going to have to go through hell and back until you move out.

[Jinx]

This post is like deja vu for my father and his verbally abusing behavior. Especially this quote

how I could expected to get married, because no respectable woman would stay out as late as I do.

 

My father used to always say things like that. He was more prone to say something like that followed up by "You'll never get anywhere in college, you're just there to meet men." then it would be followed up by the fact no man would be interested in me for x amount of reasons all of which were based on his phobias and racism. Goody.

 

Eventually I realized if I wanted peace in any shape or form I needed to get out of the home. When I moved out, my father developed a "I don't particularly care" attitude about anything I did BUT as soon as I came home whether for Holidays, helping my Mother, or taking my sister out for the weekend he would revert to the same verbal abuse behavior worse than before like he had kept it in for so long due to my being gone it needed to get out.

 

So it got better but I still am bothered about coming home when he is around, my patience can be stretched but he has a tendency to go past my limit. Thing is, he doesn't bother my mother or sister because they live under his perfect woman idea of if the man said jump they'd ask How high and I don't do that.

 

With me, it seems like he just finds a reason to bother me out of the blue, and continues saying provacatory statements until he gets a rise out of me. He'll frequently say I'm ignorant, stupid, and idiot, need to listen to him more, and that my academic plan (in terms of majors) is unrealistic and I won't be able to get a job, ever. He'll try to explain to me why my "life is a failure," or why I didn't get into Stanford (the university I really wanted to go to when I was in high school), but my sister did. He insulted me about my eating habits and weight until I became a vegetarian. He's moved onto bothering me about staying in my room too much, and watching movies or talking on the phone when I "should be doing school work". I asked him how he could possibly know what I do in my room, and he said he had ways of keeping track of what I was doing.

Long quote but also makes me think of my previous situation bit for bit.

My father also attacked me because I didn't go to Stanford, Harvard, Yale so on and so forth harping that I'll never get anywhere, no one wants someone like me from a Public University. I just have "a heart to heart "and tell him what I think about it and that he still has my sister, whom he considers the success of the family. He says similar things just to get a rise out of me, but for most part I've learned how to take it peacefully. As for the self image, with people like that, you just need to learn to tell yourself you're perfect and that the only reason he replies like that is to hurt you but I suppose you've probably already got that down by now.

 

Anyhow to the point, for me, it was rough at first, University is not cheap but fortunately I earned some decent scholarships, worked, had a friend for a roommate, moved out on my own. Its still not easy and don't have the luxuries with all the costs, but its enough to get by. One of the best things I think I did was find a roommate to split costs with, it really killed some of the price burden. Best to do is see what you can do to get away locally for the time being. Once you're away, theres technically nothing he can do as you're no longer under his roof. He'll kick and scream for awhile but eventually give up, or at least mine did. I wasn't much to him other than an outlet for his - complaining and verbal attacks.

 

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[PartlySunny]

Jen,

 

I'd like to invite you to a forum at link removed. I have found the most wonderful support there.. we are a really tight group of mostly women who deal with this issue, and support each other in all ways and even manage to have fun at the same time. You will be welcomed warmly if you choose to come.

 

The site is very secure (many of these women have abusive and intrusive husbands who track their internet activities) so in order to to get on the board, there is a phone number on the site to call and register.

 

I would also recommend reading the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She is actually the one who coined the term, and is the one who started that website. If you come to the boards, my user name there is gemini511

 

I can understand what it's like to be in your situation..the feelings of futility and frustration. I had a controlling father myself. I ended up dropping out of college and getting married, in retrospect, to escape the noose of my parents. It was unbearable.

[volution]

I know how you feel - my father is verbally (emotionally) abusive...

Unfortunately, I'm never going to be able to get away from it, because of the despicable housing situation in this country (I don't want to live in a room the size of a toilet for a month's wages).

 

I suffer from depression and some complexes because of the way he had carried on since I was born. He used to scream at the littlest thing - for example, if the wind blew and a door slammed he screamed like mad at me or my mum; and he is pathetically stubborn - he won't accept anyone else's opinion or being told something.

And he does have a go at my mum when she even does something out of the kindness of her heart.

I've tried my best to get on with him, but I don't even really know him, and I feel I'll never know him, because they way he has acted and continues to act.

 

It's not so bad as it was, but years of being constantly put down, told 'you know nothing', 'we're going to chuck you out', kind of put a crimp on the rest of your life... When I was too young to stand up for myself he would slap me with his belt and also sometimes a snooker stick. And he used to get my mum to sympathise with him. But now she realises what a a-hole he was and still is sometimes.

I used to be such a gentle soul, and at my heart I still am, but his years of evil anger has infected my soul, and I struggle to get rid of it...

[BillyJean714]

You and I have the same problem. I love my mom to death, but a lot of the times, we can't communicate. It feels really crappy when you can't even open up and talk to your parent without going through a verbal bashing. My mother is like your father in a sense that she thinks that "Tough love is the BEST kind of love."

 

I'm sure that deep down inside, you love your father just as much as I love my mother. What we both have to realize is that our parents are not perfect. If you want to talk about anger management, well, my mother has the shortest fuse with me. Oppossite is true with me to her, I'm pretty patient with her. A lot of the times, while growing up, in lots of ways, I always felt like the mother and she was the tempermental daughter.

 

I'm assuming, it was because of how our parents were raised. Back then, it was okay for kids to get paddled on top of the physical/verbal abuse. Perhaps our parents both went through that, so they think "It's normal."

 

Next time your dad throws a tantrum, tell him: "Dad, I know you love me, and I love you too. But, you really need to control your anger, because everytime you say something mean to me, it's like a dagger to my heart. If you want to talk about failure, well, you have to look at how a child's roots are. If you're going to put me down and tell me that I won't surmount to anything, well there, you got it! But, please try to understand me, because we aren't getting any younger. Do you want us all to continue living in an angry home like this, until we all die in our grave and regret saying things that we wished we could've said but didn't? If you want a happy home, it all starts in how you approach your child. It all starts today- here, now. If you make the effort, so will I."

 

Our parents just have a hard time with showing their emotions. They think that by being tough/strict on us, that we will want to prove them wrong and be the best we can be. In some ways, at least we're raised NOT to act like spoiled brats, but in lots of ways, it's really tough on our emotions and can really eat away at our own self-image. No matter what though, they will always be our parents and will always be in our lives. We just have to let them know that we aren't kids anymore, and they should learn how to control their temper. Side note, sometimes, I joke and tell my mom, "Mom! You better be nice to me, because I'm picking your retirement home." lol. She knows I'm kidding.

 

I'm sure that you will find a healthy way to resolve this, as many young adults have with their parents. If they can do it, so can we. It just takes time. Btw, I don't believe in this "Divorce my Parent" crap (not unless if the relationship between parent/child involved molestation/rape). Hope this helps! And, if your father is a bit sexist, don't be surprised how many other fathers are like this too. It's not restrictive to a cultural thing- it's just an ignorant bias that you will be surprised to find among different individuals of modern day society. I think he needs a reality check in that department. But, that's just my opinion. Hang in there! And, study, study girl!! Don't let his bad mouth dictate your future. Once you're done and settled into a career, you can be like, "Booyah! I'm making the big bucks, so you can stop breathin down my back, FATHER!"

[Jen2007]

thanks for your replies, everyone. It really helps to know there are people out there having (or who've had) to deal with same issues I'm dealing with now. I talked with my sister earlier today, and she basically agreed with all of you- I've no choice but to move out, or the situation will just get worse.

[teacup]

my dad is nuts too. he used to cut the phone cords with scissors so we couldnt use internet. hide the playstation cords and vcr cords so i couldnt watch movies/dvds late at night. put a password on the computer. changed the doorknobs with locks on our bedroom doors. call like a million times if we were out late and embarrass us. there would be this heavy feeling of disapproval in the house. bang and slam cabinet doors, take and keep the car keys in his room, take and keep the phone in his room so we couldnt use it at night, forbid us from picking up the phone if we didnt know who was calling, yell if i leave a plate next to the computer, kick me out of his room even if i was using the computer there, threaten to put more passwords on the computer, threaten, yell, control.

 

he is usually nice to my mom but he is mean to me and i hate having him underfoot all the time. he gets into everyone's business.

 

i dont have money to move out or get my own place either. and then he makes threats like "we're going to be homeless", or if you dont like the rules in "MY house, then you can move out." like i have any place to go.......then he throws all my failures in my face, the things i've done wrong. which is no excuse and justification for the ridiculous stuff he pulls. i dont want to put up with this bull#$% anymore because im not a child, i just have a lot of anger, resentment, hurt and hatred towards him.

 

NONE of this made me any better as a person. in fact, im extremely rebellious and angry and more likely to do crazy things. the fact that my mom defends his actions and defends the crazy things he does, only pisses me off more. she knows it's wrong, but she finds justification for it to defend him.

 

 

[Jen2007]

Hey there, I'm broke too. But that what educational loans are for. I took one out, found myself some cool roomies, and I am outta this place Nov 21. I already feel a lot better. I haven't even made a big deal out of it to my parents...the satisfaction comes from just having taken on the responsibility of finding another place to stay, financing it, and proving that I can be self-sufficient. So like now, all that's left to do is get a job, wah. Still, judging from what you've written, I'd recommend the same steps to you. It's really not going to stop until you decide to leave. Best of luck. -jen

[xsunxstarsx]

My dad is the exact same way. My mom died recently and i was left with him. I am attending college now and he hates that he is losing control of me so he nags on me even more. Everytime we fight he yells that i if i am thinking of leaving that i should pack my stuff up now and leave now... but i should find a new car, phone, and stuff. I am in the same predicament that i would leave in heartbeat but i am chained to the house b/c i am scared to take out a loan and live in debt. I have been able to blow offsteem somehow and just take his blows by gritting my teeth and walking away. But just recently he retaliated by saying that i do not care that my mom is dead. My mom was my everything and i would do everything with her while he treated her like crap. What makes me so angry is is that what he says is what he believes and that he doesnt feel sorry for what he says. I believe that if he had the chance he would say it again. We are selling our home now and moving from florida to back to michigan. There my sister is getting a house and i will definitely move in with her. But for now i have to deal with him and take the blows...what keeps me going though is that someday i can cut him out of my life and live away from him and i can't wait til i can. just keep going girl...keep being strong!