Didnt see this coming......

[toonsy]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted mainly because my sitch was pretty predictable and I was really dealing well with everything. But within the last week I had a blow that I am having difficulty with..

 

In a nutshell, we brokeup in July though still very much in love. He'd never been in love like this before and it created fears in him that he might get hurt - but he knew i was "the one". He was under a huge amount of stress from work and a course he is taking until November. We agreed to see others for a while, take a step back and just see what happens. I contacted someone first, he flipped and got very scared and clingy. The night before a previously planned trip (which he was afraid to go on with me by the way because he said it would be too hard to spend 5 days with me and then have to come home and 'let me go' to another man) he was out drinking and called me. We got in an argument. I said to friends that night "Mark my words!! He will meet someone tonight! It's predictable, he is upset with me, scared I have met someone, scared to go on this trip and then come home to "let me go", drinking.... I just know it will happen." Well, it did. And WAY TOO predictable!!! It ended up being his best friend's girlfriend's friend. (And 10 years younger than him).

 

Well, I have never been threatened by it. I see it for what it is. (rebound) We maintained email contact once a week, or once every 2 weeks at his request. He said it was important for us to communicate and try to build a friendship. We were not allowed to see each other though (her rules) because she was so insecure about me. I was honest with him, my other guy didnt make me happy since i was pacifying my emotions and I broke it off. I told my ex that I still felt for him and hoped over time we might try again if our paths crossed.

 

He flirted with me via email, even wanted to see me once. He told me he "thought of me" and I could tell he was really torn about things. But clearly he was 'not that into her'. He said i could call if I wanted but i never did. Just emailed occasionally.

 

One day he contacted me and asked me to come over and watch a movie. He said they "were on a break" and he wanted to see me. I went over and never asked what happened. We started talking more and seeing each other more - but not "back together". One night I talked to him about things. I told him I hoped we could just keep seeing each other, no pressure, and over time discuss what we wanted. He liked that idea and told me "just so you know, things are done with me and 'her'. It was a "break" in the beginning but we have sinced talked and I am done with it. I was pretty much helping her and supporting her....and she was ungrateful." He also said that recently he was around his family and he told them he broke things off with her. They said they always like ME.....and he told them that we recently started "dating" and "seeing" each other again. I thought that was pretty significant that he not only told them, but me.

 

We spent time together over 2 weeks. Each time he seemed to pull closer and closer. I had to leave town for business about 3 days after the last night we spent together. While gone (about another 2 days), I emailed him to say "hi". His response is what shocked me.......

 

He said he had been talking with 'her' lately and they were trying to work things out. She told him that she was totally uncomfortable about me and he said he couldnt blame her (even though we only emailed rarely). He said he was very sorry and didnt want to hurt me but said he felt he needed to give it an honest try so as not to have any regrets later. He said we could no longer be in contact though it pained him to do that. He said it was NOT due to a lack of feelings for me, in fact quite the contrary. He said he could not give me what i wanted or deserved at this time and was truly sorry. He said he wished me the best and that I am a wonderful woman and he doesnt want to hurt me.

 

I called him. We talked for a while. i was calm. He admitted that he's learned so much from me and continues to learn about what he needs to do in a relationship. He said the feelings he still has for me and "clouding" his thoughts and thereforeeee cannot be in contact with me while trying another relationship. It was too hard for him. I asked if he loved her and he said "no......I cant say that I do. I dont know what i feel and I need to figure that out. I owe it to her to give it an honest try. She has growing up to do and learning to do that I am not sure she will......" I told him that it must be 'fun' being a little family (the 4 of them) and he admitted yes. He said lately it felt "awkward" to hang out with his buddy and his g/f without 'her' around.

 

I asked if this was "goodbye" and he said he didnt know. He didnt really know what was going on and he needs time and space to figure things out. I asked him "....do you know in you heart that you and I will not have a chance again? Have you let go? If you have, please tell me." He said "....I cant say that, no. I dont deal in definates. You never know what can happen but it's not fair for me to ask you to 'wait and see'."

 

I asked if we could see each other once i got back in town, just to say 'goodbye' face to face. He said he couldnt handle that right now. He was so sorry but he just couldnt do it, it would be too hard.

 

I never cried. I was in shock. I kept my cool but told him again that I loved him and hoped one day we might have a chance again as well and I understood. He needs to take time and find what his heart needs and wants. I'll give him the time and the space though it hurts. He said he appreciated that and he hurted too.

 

I sent him an email that night telling him again that it was hard. That i never though even for just a short time would we be 'out' of each other's lives. (We have meant so much to each other that we have always said we would never do that. ) But I told him I hoped it wasnt forever and time will tell.

 

The next day I was at the airport to come home. The hurt was starting to well up in me. I texted him "I still want to c u, i am sorry but i do. you are eliminating me out of respect for her and i should be able to c u face to face." He replied "im sorry, I cant handle that right now"

 

I flew home. Hurt and sadness grew. I started to cry for the first time. It seemed so unfair. I called him (shouldnt have I know) but i knew I would get his VM because of the time of day. I was crying.....but let some things out. Told him I was hurt and angry, that I never thought we would be 'here' and eliminating each other from our lives because we always agreed we meant too much to each other, that though I have given time to him to sort things out I cannot be his 'standby' for when something better doesnt happen.......that this really hurts me and I should have the right to see him face to face........it was not fair he did that with me so far away.....".

 

Now I am dealing with such a feeling of shock and loss. I never knew if we'd get back together - i've been pretty honest with myself about that but I never saw this happening.

 

What do I think is really going on? I think he is still very much in love with me but is not ready to experience all those emotions again just yet. He is still very stressed out. (in the last 2 months while dating her he has been sick 3 times). I think actually him eliminating me for her sake will probably make things even worse between them. I think she used 'me' as the reason as to why they werent getting along but now that I am gone there will be nothing to blame things on anymore. I also think he'll grow resentful that he had to 'let me go' for her insecurities.

 

She's 10 years younger, he's been supporting her, and she is very insecure about me. Not a good foundation there. And frankly he didnt have too much to say as to why he was giving it another try other than he needs to "be sure" there is nothing there.

 

I think he needs to make a clean break with me in order to explore another relationship without me 'there' to see if he still returns to me. Is there anything else there between them? If he gives it his all and still wants me and thinks of me......then he will "know" for sure to return to me. But as it was he was being pulled 2 ways emotionally it seems even though I was not instigating any flirtation and totally respecting his relationship with her.

 

Long story, I know.

I am just dealing with a feeling of "loss" now. It hurts not having seen him in person to talk if for the last time. I dont know when or if I'll ever hear from him again. He DOES need to do this, I agree. i hurts though.

 

All my friends say ".....i'll bet they dont last another month. She is so insecure and young and he didnt have any good reasons as to why to go back to her frankly other than to just 'make sure'.....He clearly has not been able to let go of you and came back to you already......and admits his feelings for you still.....this will likely just prove it to him more that you are "the one" and that might be why he's doing it........"

 

They are all likely right. And still I do not know if we ever WOULD be back together. His fears of feeling 'so much' are things he needs to work through. It's not up to me. He's 36 only been in love twice. Once in a marrige (6 years ago) and me. He said he loved me more than he ever felt before and it's overwhelming and afraid he'd lose me one day. I suppose we've all been there.......it's something he needs to work through.

 

But.....this is a feeling of loss. I dont know if i'll hear from him again. It's a terrible feeling.

 

 

[toonsy]

By the way......would LOVE some comments, support, input......

 

Thanks.

[angelxo5]

Hey Toonsy!

 

Well I just want to say that I'm sorry you're hurting...I do know exactly how you feel. Based on your story though, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. I mean I'm no expert and I could be wrong, but I honestly think that he is trying to scare you. I mean if I were you, I would read over your whole post. The answers are so obvious. He really seems to be using this girl to get you nervous and speed up the time of you two taking space. He knew how much it scared him when you were the first one to contact someone else and he is trying to get you to feel that way.

 

Look at it all. I find it kind of ironic that before you two hang out he states that he and she are on a break. (Basically saying that in order to welcome anything that may happen or may be said by you that night when you're hanging out). So you guys do talk that night and what-not and you fed him some hope so THEN the story changes and suddenly between the time of you arriving there and the time of you leaving, he and that girl are now DONE WITH!! Toonsy, you have to laugh at this. He is so confused and if that poor girl only knew that she was being strung along to threaten you...

 

I think you are handling the situation very well by being cool, calm, and collective. Don't give him any reactions because that is what he WANTS! The more you give him a reaction, (not saying that you do) the longer he will keep that girl around to use her to attain those reactions. I think that you are right on by having no contact with him. He needs to realize what he wants and that he shouldn't play games to get what he wants. Just keep doing what you're doing and let him come to you because you've done and said all you could to let him know how you feel. He knows. He's the confused one so it's up to him to come to you now.

 

I hope I helped a little. Don't worry though because I can tell by what you wrote that he still has very deep feelings for you and no matter what you do, or who you try to date, it all comes down to how you feel and who you feel that way about. He feels that way about you so you have nothing to worry about. Good luck!!

[SuperDave71]

Toonsy,

 

 

 

If he loves you as much as you say he does/did why in the world would he even consider her in the first place. You are a safety net it sounds like to me. I don't mean to be harsh but if he did come back...would you be willing and ok with the fact he threw you away for another girl and if/when taht doesn't work out to come right back into your life, arms and bed again? What is wrong with that picture? I believe in second chances ..I really do, but I also believe in self-respect most of all. You are not a piece of trash or any part of a "Toy box" theory. He pulls you out when he NEEDS you and you let him. He puts you away when he doesn't.....he has her. You are allowing this man to use you....plain and simple. This is NOT love. Not even close in my book. Let this young girl have him....go out with friends and family. PUt your spine back in and stop playing his game. He KNOWS you will be there..he knows you will call...he knows you are waiting...TAKE THAT AWAY and BE YOU!!!!

 

 

 

I care about ya now stop this insanity before I whip out the duct tape.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[happythoughts]

Your story made me fell for you because in a way it is familiar. One thing you absolutely need to do is sit on your hands and not call him. I know it feels impossible, and that your sense of loss and wanting to reason with him is ovewhelming, but you must keep away. He will not forget about you, I promise, but if you keep calling him he is going to see YOU as being the insecure and needy one and it will just push him further and further into her arms.

 

How old are you by the way?

 

If I told you my story I could write a book, but my experience is that these rebound relationships rarely last, He is doing that syndrome of putting his head in the sand about his feelings for you and going to something that is easy. But I honestly don't think it will work, if that is of some comfort to you.

 

Accept that you are dealing not only with the 'break' in the relationship the first time round, but also the lost potential this time round of working it out. It is nothing you have done, believe thatl even though you probably feel like it is. Those feelings of who is to blame will lessen, as will the need to see him face to face. I know you want to see him but he is actually doing you a favour by staying away - he's right that it would be too hard.

 

And I promise that he won't forget you - it's been 18 months for me and my ex hasn't forgotten about me despite being with someone else and that going wrong as well. Hold your head up and be strong, and try not to think about him and her together.

 

You will get through this!

[happythoughts]

by the way superdave I have been on these boards almost as long as you have now!!! What happened with Janet?

[SuperDave71]

Hey Happythoughts,

 

Janet and I remain good friends.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[toonsy]

Super Dave:

 

We did not get back together when they "took a break". No one needs to blame HIM in this when I was a willing participant. I did not think we were getting back together in fact I stated to him that I didnt want to just "get back together" and it would be a mistake.

 

Safety net? Yeah, you're likely right. And when I called and left that VM (as you can see) I said that as well.

 

I appreciated everyone's responses and I think I have done all the right things this far and now the only thing I CAN do is NC.

 

I never expected that we would just get back together again one day. I knew it would take time even if the situation presented itself. If I ever hear from him again I still believe this. I would not just jump back in.

 

The "game" has changed yes. This was just a surprise and it's hard to get used to new surroundings. I wish I had the face to face though - and yes you're right it would have likley made it harder for us both. I think though that that is what is making this harder for me.

[toonsy]

OH yeah..and BTW - he didnt choose her over me. We broke up before he started dating her Dave. We were both starting to date others.

 

8)

[SuperDave71]

Where is he now...? I believe he is with her.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[toonsy]

Happythoughts - I am 34 BTW. He will be 37 next month (could be a MLC thing). This "rebound safe girl" just turned 26.

 

Thanks all for your thoughts and words.

Who knows what will happen over time. But this is about me now, yes.

Just not easy.

[jenny_mcs]

Toonsy-

 

I think you are doing the right thing by not contacting him. It sounds like your ex is taking the easy way out. He found someone who is into him, and although from what he said to you, she is not "right" for him, he would rather take the easy route of immersing himself in a new relationship, rather than deal with the pain from your break or with trying to work things out.

 

I would bet a LOT of money that this guy will start contacting you again in a few weeks or months. But don't sit around and wait for that! Try to move on in a slow steady way- concentrating on yourself and casually dating when you feel ready. Good luck!

[ElektraHere]

Toonsy

 

Why would you need the face to face with him? Wouldn't that just be hurting yourself more? Rejection hurts whether it's over the phone, via email, or face to face.

 

I kinda agree with SuperDave he isnt with you and he is with her. If he wasn't "into her" like you say he wouldn't be with her now. He would be on his own and if he can't be on his own do you really want to be with someone like that?

 

Move on, go out with friends, don't let his problems as you say affect your moving on. Date and be merry

[toonsy]

No, I see your confusion..... I have to make it clear, we have been broken up since July. We never "got back together" again at all nor did I expect it necessarily. So, this is not a "break up" or rejection issue or someone choosing someone over another. We both started dating others post break up....me first actually. He went back to her again, yes. But it was not about choosing her over me. The issue is because of her we cannot be in contact because she is insecure about me.

 

The lack of 'face to face' is a hardship for me if it were anyone. Be it a friend, a relative you wont see for a while......anyone that means a lot to you that you have to be separated from. Yes there are feelings there but above all we have always expressed that it's important that we are in each other's lives even if we never "get back together". Our experience and connection we shared was/is really quite special.

 

So not having that "face to face" goodbye (even if a temporary one) is just difficult.

 

I have been in a position like this once only flipped. I was friends with a guy (we never dated) and his girlfriend was insecure about me.....just because I was of the opposite sex. He and I were best friends! Eventually it caused so much tension between them that I voluntarily told him I would not be in contact with him anymore so that they can aleviate the tension between them. It was VERY hard for him and I to do. We were great friends!! I felt a loss with that too but at least we said goodbye face to face. And actually.....they didnt last. So we are still friends!

 

The hardest part is not about who is with who or if we get back together again (even though i do want that if it is meant to be one day). Its about losing someone important to you in your life. They may be together forever, who knows! And if he contacts me one day and she is secure with it I see us being good friends! It's the 'not knowing' if i will ever hear from him again that is hard.

[toonsy]

No one knows what the future brings. You live life, grow and learn all along the way. But one thing that people know about me is that I realize that very few times in life do you meet people that really touch your life. When you do, you treasure that and not take it for granted.

 

The comment about "not that into her" came from things he said about that relationship, and the things he said to ME while dating her. For me personally, If I was thinking of another man, flirting with another man, wanting to 'see' another man and fantasizing about another man while dating someone it would mean to ME that I wasnt that 'into' him. I suppose it's all that that made me say that.

 

But again, it's not WHO he's with -me or her . As i've stated i've never been insecure or jealous or obsessed with his relationship with her nor expecting he and I would get back together one day even if a hope lied within me. But I think a better point you make is that he is "not able to be on his own". The best thing he could be doing for himself would be to work on what he needs to, take care of about himself, deal with his stresses and work on things he needs to. He seems to be going through some "issues" (I didnt really get into detail about that in my post) and he will not deal with them if "burying his head in the sand" as someone said.

 

You can still care about someone and it not matter WHO they are with .