Trying to decide what to do..

[Jane28]

Hi Everyone.

I have been reading a lot on this board the last few weeks, and i really appreciate getting a lot of different perspectives and hearing different peoples experiences.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for the last ten months and we were making a lot of plans for the future, and three weeks ago I found out hes had an affair with a woman he works with. This went on for six weeks, she apparently persued him, he thought he could do it, have fun(physical) and i would never find out. We were living togther for the last part of this time, and i knew there was some thing going on, times he wouldnt answer his cell phone, and then(before he moved in) times he didnt come over when we had(loose) plans.

Immedaitly he said he wanted to be with me, he didnt realise how he could be so stupid, he loved me, and wanted to work things out. I was extreamly emotional for the next few weeks as you could expect, and i probely should have had some more space away from him. He has moved out, and back to his previous accomadation, and we did break up for about five days two weeks ago, he couldnt take the stress that we were going through.

I am much calmer now, and trying to a bit less avalible too him. He has said a lot of things indicating he wants to work things out and apolgised a lot, he wants to put the affair behind him, and he hates it if the subgect comes up(he feels guilty). I have told him i need to see how things go, and see his behaviour, not just hear his words.

I feel really jealous of the other woman, they work togther indirectly(in the same big company) and he is in no postion to change his job to get away from her. In fact he has said when i asked him, that yes he has talked to her, and she helps him with some things with work and he thought it best to keep on pleasant terms with her. I have said i feel very uncomfortable with this, he promised me absolutly he would never have any affair or anything outside our relationship. He still feels i dont trust him, which is true, I need more time, and for him to show me i can. Ultimatly i know he will do what ever he wants to, but want to give him this chance.

This is my first love, we were actually planning to marry(had broken off the engagment two weeks ago, then yesterday he asked me to consider getting engaged again) next year, and my heart and my confidence have taken a hammering, and been on a rollercoaster over the last month. i am doing more things just for me, and starting to plan my future a bit differently, having a plan B so to speak. But for now i still want to be with him.

 

Is there any thing that others have found helpfull in rebuilding trust and reducing jealous feelings?

 

thanks to all,

Jane

[RandomAdvisor]

I'd advise you to dump this guy immediately and go to no contact with him. He was completely selfish in having the affair, and inconsiderate of you and your feelings. You've only been together for 10 months? Do you honestly think you can spend any significant amount of time with this guy - years, or the rest of your life even - and this will never happen again?

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

I think that statement is somewhat over simplified, but in this case it is certainly true. This guy was pursued by someone else, and instead of making it clear he is already taken, happily in love, and not interested, he has an affair with her. He made a cost benefit analysis, and your feelings weren't in the equation. And he doesn't even have the decency to completely break things off with the other woman! If he were really interested in fixing your relationship and showing you it wont happen again, he would cut all unnecessary contact with her immediately. Without being asked. If they worked directly together and he couldn't then it would be understandable. But they don't work together directly. So if they're keeping things on pleasent terms, what could possibly be more pleasent than a little sex? You know, for old times sake? And if you don't find out about it, it doesn't hurt you, right? That's how this guy thinks.

 

He is exactly the kind of selfish and inconsiderate person who will rip your heart out again if you give him half the chance. Tell him you never want to speak to him again, and stick to it.

[quovadimus]

Yes I have found the following things are helping rebuild trust.

 

-he MUST break contact with this person; if not possible, he MUST be willing to tell you the extent of their contact any time you need to know

 

-he MUST be willing to WIN your trust, he's NOT ENTITLED TO IT.

 

-he MUST be willing to get over feeling guilty, b/c ultimately you will need to talk about this with him.

 

-he MUST be willing to give up his privacy and tell you where he has been any time you want to know, no matter how many times you ask.

 

-he MUST be willing to SHOW YOU (not just words) that he is willing to do what it takes to WIN YOUR TRUST.

 

-he MUST be willing to put aside his own discomfort to comfort and re-assure you.

 

These are the things that have helped, though there are no guarantees. My best to you.

[Jane28]

Thank you both for your comments, i really appreciate them, and hope i can use them in some way. The ones about trust i hope to use now, and if thats not working i will be soon be moving on.

[RandomAdvisor]

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

[Jane28]

Thanks Some Guy, you are saying a what a few of my friends are saying, and its excellent advice, just a little difficult to use right now. At first i thoght he could rip my heart out, and now i know nobody has that power over me, and there is a part I have reserved and kept safe.

I feel like i am putting more emotional space between us, and things are more in perspective, like i can go on and be strong, and meet some one who will treat me well if we are not togther. Its that shread of hope i guess, combined with really strong feelings that has me meeting him tonight after i have been out for dinner with girl friends(he works late/hospitality) to see how things go.

I will be telling him yes, he has to cut off all contact with the woman, i want to know about any thing she says to him, or any message she sends him voluntarily. I do have this womans number, and we have spoken before(in a calm manner) so i can always phone her, and i am sure she would be honest about what was happening. She didnt know any thing about me during the affair except that we apparently used to see each other(me& him), and she said she would never ever get involved with some one elses man. But i dont want to phone her.

 

Apart from that i have thought of a million things to say, but i guess i just have to see his actions and words for now, and take a hard look at things.

thanks,

jane

[yeawutever]

OK I DUNNO IS IT JUST ME BEING HARSH WITHT HE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR CHEATING OR THESE IDIOTS WANTING TO STAY WITH THE CHEATER WHO GOT CAUGHT AND THEN BEGS AND CRIES LIKE A DOG. GIRL DON'T CONSIDERED MARRYING HIM, IF HE WAS MY B/F AND DID THAT, I WOULDN'T GIVE A **** WEITHER HE'S SORRY AND APOLOGIZE OR NOT, WOULDN'T EVEN RCEIVE ANYHTING FROM HIM, NOTHING AND HAVE NO CONTACT WUTSO EVER. THATS RIGHT, IM NOT FORGIVING LIKE U, HE'S JUST LUCKY HE'S WITH A NAIVEE GIRL LIKE U. GIVEN THE CHANCE HE'LL CHEAT AGAIN AND THATS THE MAN U PLANNING TO MARRY, OH **** NOPE.

THE FIRST THING I WOULD TELL HIM IF I WERE U AND FOUND OUT WOULD BE "OH WELL I WAS GONNA MARRY U NOW IM NOT, DON'T EVEN WANNA TALK NOR SEE U, HOW ABOUT MARRYING THE OTHER GIRL" AND "BYE MISTER, UR OUT THE DOOR"