Arguments and Debates No Longer Entertaining.....

[sayer7]

Hey y'all...

 

Need some advice on how to reduce competitiveness and deliberate arguments in a relationship.

 

I've been with my bf for about 9 months now and for the last 6 months we've argued over petty things from sun up to sun down. I am 24 and he is 30 and it is an interracial relationship (I am Asian and he is Caucasian). In anycase, whenever I try to stop an argument he tells me "I'll stop arguing when I damn well want to stop arguing... not when you tell me to stop arguing." So then I just stop saying anything and remain silent (except if I'm crying over whatever we were arguing about) and after awhile his whole demeanor changes and he comes back remorseful saying "I'm just a dumb__ and a piece of ___.You should just dump me... but if you dump me I'll kill myself." Our arguments often end with me threatening to leave the house or dump him if we didn't stop arguing... but then he threatens he will kill himself if I do dump him so I don't. After this stage though, the argument is usually over. He says he'll kill himself so often and never does we consider it something of a joke so we don't take it seriously and it's usually this morbid humor that ends arguments.

 

I've tried to show him for the last 6 months that the arguments that he fully admits to deliberately instigating, are damaging to our relationship (at least mine with him- he claims the arguments keep us "challenged and on our toes" ) ...but I'm starting to think he loves his arguments and being competitive more than he loves me. The last few months we've been arguing instead of communicating. Our debates and arguments have left us with no self-esteem, a lack of respect and a lack of trust between us and within ourselves.

 

During our last big argument, we were on vacation and he instigated a petty argument in the car that got me so angry that I lashed out and smacked him hard, open-palmed accross his chest. The smack left a football sized red mark on him for the day and my hand stinging for 30 minutes. I've never hit anyone out of anger in my entire life, I don't even believe in spanking a child... so it scares me to know that I got so livid I lost that much control. I don't trust myself anymore because of this. It left us both stunned and shocked that I got so angry to the point of violence. I cried the whole rest of the day I felt so guilty, ugly, and scared of myself. He tried to console me the whole day saying he had instigated the argument and that it was his fault. But there's no excuse for hitting someone like that. I told him I understood if he dumped me because of it. He refused to break-up with me so I told him I was breaking up with him because he deserved much better, and he said he'd kill himself like he usually does. I asked him 10 minutes after I hit him if he would go to counseling with me and he adamantly refused saying I was the one that needed counseling, not him... that he'd tried once and it didn't work for him and that he'd never go again-- he wants to work on our problems his own way. He is an only child- he likes to do things his way, when he wants to do it- and he doesn't like other people telling him what to do or how to do it.

 

Since our last vacation and me smacking him (5 days ago), we have not argued about anything petty and I can tell he is trying hard to change his argumentative ways. I don't know if he's still shocked or scared from me hitting him but I'm sure it's one of the two. I'm still too shocked and scared to really talk about it much with my counselor without crying. I know soon he'll be back to arguing over everything all the time. So how can I lift his self-esteem without lowering mine? How can I reduce the competition between us? How can I reduce our arguments and show him it's more pleasant to have a peaceful relationship most of the time instead of having a challenging, competitive, roller-coaster relationship all of the time?

 

Any advice is welcome....

[Sabrina_Decova]

Hi there

 

Its either that your personalites are not in alignment with each other or it is his nature to prove he's smarter, sharper, whatever. You seem to have the patience to keep up with the relationship and show keen interest on making it work but remember this, a person's nature cannot be changed. And if his arguments are psychological, he needs a shrink - not you! As far as I know, and from how you word your message, it seems it could be his nature to compete and argue in which case, he's not your type. You seem like a mature and harmonious person who would much prefer a boyfriend who treats you like an equal.

 

I trust you might be confused reading my message but what Im saying is you make him an ultimatum - you stay and he sees a shrink or you're out in 2 months.

 

Decisions like these are often hard to make but it takes character and guts to fend for yourself and your happiness. So you can either make it better for him or for YOURSELF. I suggest YOURSELF coz its a whole lot easier route.

 

Take care

[faeriechyld]

Ok, the threats to kill himself are nothing more than quilt trips and mind games to keep you with him. And YOU are NOT the one that needs help. This guy sounds a lot like my ex. I was the bigger person, I went to counseling, but you know what? It did NOTHING to help our relationship, you know what it did do? Break me from the emotional hold he had over me. I cared about him so much, that when he threatened to kill himself, I felt I needed to stay with him.

This is not healthy. If he is refusing to seek help, maybe you should consider moving on. Will he kill himself? I don't know, if he's like my ex, I doubt it. To me it sounds as tho he is mainly just using that as a way to keep you. Hence why I call it a guilt trip. What he is doing is extremely manipulating and damaging to your mental and emotional health. Another mind game he is playing is, you hit him, so you feel incredibly bad about it and cry and apologize, so he tries to console you by blaming himself. Then, when you turn and say "well let's go to counseling together" he does a complete 180 and tells you that YOU'RE the one who needs help since you hit him. You may have been the one who lashed out physically, but he is the one who is continuing to give you emotional and mental abuse. Playing on your emotions by telling you he is going to kill himself is not a healthy relationship.

As far as self esteem is concerned, this relationship is going to kill yours. And it's not easy to get back. Self esteem is something someone has to build on their own. yes, having support of loved ones helped, but self esteem has a lot to do with being happy with yourself. And he obviously isn't happy with himself. He feels he needs you to "make" him happy, and that is not possible, as happiness comes from within, not without.

I think the reason he is picking the fights is because he is so insecure in his relationship with you. He starts the fights so when you threaten to leave, he can manipulate you through threats of his own like the suicide ones.

My advice, break up with him and then turn to counseling for yourself to help break this emotional hold he has. I realize I told you at the beginning you are not the one who needs help and this is true, the counseling is more to help you regain a sense of yourself. This is one of those relationships that you hear about all the time where the woman is afraid to leave and/or keeps going back. I know, because I was in a relationship similar to this and am still fighting all urges to go back. I must thank you for sharing you story, I think I may save it or print it out and post it on my wall, so I can be reminded daily that this is not what I want or what I deserve. And it isn't what you deserve either. Whatever decision you make, I wish you luck.

Take care.

[sayer7]

It might be in his nature to argue... at least that how he was brought up I think. When I first met his parents he and his father argued over a piece of pasta the entire time we had dinner. My bf's mother leaned over to me and whispered, "The only reason they argue so much is because they're exactly alike" and from what my bf's told me, his dad is the king of debaters. Apparently it's just how they communicate. It's not the cussing out kind of arguments, it's more "It's not Red, it's Rouge!" and "He said She said" arguments.

 

Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it.

[hotchkiss003]

debating is stupid. It's fun once in a while like if you have a whole bunch of people in on it and it's just some issue that everyone forgets about afterwards and gets back to their lives and doesn't think about debating all the time, but when it's just two people debating all the time or just one constantly egging the other on to debate even when the other one doesn't find it entertaining any more, serious issues is all I have to say for the person who still wants to debate.