Broke n/c

[comets_21]

Hi,

 

Tonight is the first time I broke N/C in about 3 weeks. I have talked to my ex previously but kept conversations short and did give any information about me period. Things were getting so much better. I was not thinking about her as much, taking time to myself (lots of workouts which I suggest to everyone, I've gotten comments that have boosted my confidence already). During n/c I never attempted to talk to her. Lately she has been messaging me and even called once. Tonight I decided to message her on msn as I felt in control and even started to feel like I didn't need her. I asked how things were with the new guy she is seeing. She said alright.... I guess. The rest of the conversation did not make me feel good in anyway either. I again feel pretty hurt or whatever you call this terrible feeling we get. I made a big mistake by contacting her. I now plan to do NC for at least a month. Not even answering her on msn.

Any suggestions by experts on what I should now do? I think I already know the answer.

 

Please learn from my mistake tonight...

[heloladies21]

She left you for some other guy. No Contact all the way. Not just for a month, forever. Ignore any contact by her. Do your best to move on. If she moved on that quick, she never truly cared about you anyways.

[comets_21]

I know, I began to realize that during NC. Who would actually want to be with someone after they do something like that to you. But it's so much harder then just saying it. How am I suppost to handle innocent conversations? Just ignore her and show her that I'm pissed?

[Magamar]

Comets,

 

This is how I feel. I mean sometimes I think people (you and I) are just too nice. If someone sends us a text we feel ignorant or rude by not replying. Even if sometimes we don't want to we are afraid that the other person (whoever they may be) will think that we really couldn't give a damn about them and we don't like that. Even if part of us WANTS the other to feel that.

 

Unfortunately I have no advice on how to overcome this. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one going through this.

 

Hang in there.

[L8RISER]

You shouldn't have any contact until you feel absolutely nothing when you think of her. Not love, not anger, nothing. Ignore her, cut her off comlpete, get on with your life. Block her messages, block her phone number, make it imposssible for her to contact you. It's not enough for you not to contact her - stop her from contacting you.

 

Why ever would you ask how things were with the new guy? Do you really want to know? Don't go looking for info unless you're prepared for the worst.

[SuperDave71]

DO NOT BLOCK HER MESSAGES....

 

 

 

It is not necessary. You want her to feel YOU CAN HANDLE anything. The last thing you need her to think is that you can't handle the breakup. I woudl delete her name ( possibly) so your anxiety doesn't get the best of you when she pop's on. I would say keeping NC is the way to go. Her new man will show his true colors soon and you must realize that even though your not there...she may be thinking of you more than you know. Why? Because HE is NOT you.

 

 

 

Hold Strong,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Lovesick64]

Comets,

 

I normally don't ask questions I don't want to know the answers to. Don't beat yourself up because you fell off the NC wagon. Pick yourself and get back on. Do you really want to get back together with a girl after she has been with someone else? Do you think the relationship can be the same, or better than it was before the break up? I think you need to try to get over the relationship and forget about any reconciliation at this point. I know it hurts, but its only for a little while. Go NC on her forever.

[heloladies21]

No conversations. Ignore it all. It doesn't matter if she thinks you're pissed. You should be pissed. It doesn't matter what she thinks anyways.

[L8RISER]

SuperDave, I agree with you on a lot of things - you're a smart guy. But I got disagree with you on blocking messages.

 

I guess what it comes down to is do you want to let go, or get back together. I know this is the "Getting Back Together" forum, but I can't really tell which way comet wants to go. I know which way I would go, but that's up to him.

 

If you want to really let go of someone and you having a hard time of it, I think blocking messages makes sense. They don't know that they're being block - they just never get a response. Letting you ex into you life like that is allowing them to plant little time bombs in your heart. Even if they don't intend to hurt you, it's too much confusion when you trying to repair to heart.

[jdheinold]

i did the same thins Comets, i broke nc about 3 weeks in, just to talk business (cell phone bill and other bills that needed to be taken care of, as well as her things still being here) i felt good about how i reacted, and called her the next day...that was a mistake. i found out she was seeing someone new, and at first i was really bothered about it. i asked myself "how could she move on so quickly when i'm struggling with the loss?" when i stopped calling her again (a couple of days later) the thought of her with someone else slowly left my mind, and i realized that a). its really none of my business what she does now, and b). why should i care? its now her life, not ours.

 

i also saw her last night, and lit a fire under her rear about moving her things out of my place, explaining that if she doesn't, i will. i think she finally undestood how much it will help me heal, and she agreed to stop partying until she moved her things out. during out conversation, she also told me that despite what she said about us getting back together when she left me, she didn't feel like it would ever happen. i didn'[t like hearing that, but it also told that she was considering it. all i have to do is let her live, and basically not exist (from the time her stuff is out of here) until i can talk to her as a person, and not a romantic interest.

 

hope this helps

 

JD

[coooolsome]

jdheinold

 

Here is what I learned about girls that say that there is still a chance to get back together. They are basically telling you that,

 

"Hey, im going to go out and try out this new guy that you dont know about but that I like. If it doesnt work out, Ill be back"

 

Want to know how she was able to move on so quickly. Because she has probably started liking the guy while you two were still going out. She knew in her head that she wanted to date this other person while you two were still going out. Not to be harsh but that is the truth. Im there right now and I had no idea but Ive accepted it and decided that she can go and do this but I was a great boyfriend who was always there for her. I was great to her. I did everything for her. I am an outstanding person and it is her loss.

 

Move on and find someone who will love you for you.

[jdheinold]

coooolsome...yes, you are correct about what happened. at first i was torn apart, then i started to realize that i'm free to find someone that will live and love for me, and that if me and my ex are to get back together, she will let me know, there is nothing i can do to make her come back. i also found out that she is no longer seeing this other guy...can we say rebound? she's off doing her own thing, and so am i, and i feel better knowing that she was wrong. I'm sure she's going to try to save face and not ask me to come back, and it really doesn't bother me. if she doesn't love me, why would i want to be with her?

 

JD

[rnorth]

I think the biggest mistake people make in breaking NC is not the action, its having an expectation of something.... because it invariably does not turn out to be what you want.

 

She has tried to contact you to this point. You have now reciprocated. If your desire is to potentially have another chance with her, let her make the next move.

 

That's my advice.

[comets_21]

Hi.. Thanks everyone, I've been keeping up to date with my post.

The answer to Lovesick64's question.. No I do not want to get back together with her after what she did. I don't think many people would after deeply thinking about it.

 

I deleted her off my msn even before I read Superdave's post. She sent me a msg later to wish me good luck since she knew I was preparing for my LSATs this weekend, but I didn't reply. Truth is Superdave, I don't think I can handle the breakup. I don't want her back, and I am still hurting. I think I might need to spend my time in the healing forum instead. For example I seen a picture of the new guy she is dating and my heart felt like it dropped into the middle of my stomach. I need to heal, and after everyone's advice I believe that NC is a must.

 

Do you suggest I get as far away as possible from her? Meaning delete her from msn, never answer her messages, and put great effort into keeping her off my mind?

 

I really felt this quote by L8RISER was so true...

"Letting you ex into you life like that is allowing them to plant little time bombs in your heart. Even if they don't intend to hurt you, it's too much confusion when you trying to repair the heart."

[jdheinold]

NC is a great tool we use to heal. as far as your method, listen to superdave, leave the ex on there, but do not respond. getting as far as possible is a bit extreme imo, just get some space, no calls, no emails, no ims (from you mind you, you cannot control or be responsible what your ex does) as far as keeping it off your mind, do something with yourself, don't try to ignore what has happened, it won't work. instead, join a gym, go for a bike ride, lose yourself in a book, get out and meet new people. all of these things are natural ways to release yourself from stress, and the pain of a broken heart. one last piece of advice i can offer, is don't think with your emotions, but with your head. it took me a while to understand what that meant, and now that i see what it means, i can identify when i'm letting my emotions run away. don't ask yourself too many questions about what happened, it happened, and it cannot be changed. shoulda woulda coulda is a terrible way to think, it'll only lead to regrets, and you shouldn't have many about what happened, because it is out of your hands now.

 

as far as seeing a pic, how did you come accross it? if you found it...stop torturing yourself by attempting to relive things in your memory by looking at pics. if she sent it to you, well, don't open the emails any more. notify your mutual friends that you do not want to know when they're going to hang out with her, as it will only make you mad/frustrated. i know this from experience.

 

 

i hope that helped

 

JD

[SuperDave71]

I have to agree with jdheinold here on something....You found that picture because you were looking for it. I have a sneaking suspicion that you found it rather than your ex sending or showing it to you. Hmmmm?

 

 

 

The more you want to torture yourself, the longer you will NOT heal.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[comets_21]

Hi guys,

 

After I broke NC, I felt terrible... but then I got right back into it and I am feeling awhole lot better. I owe it to my knowledge from this forum and your help on this thread. But here is situation now. She tried contacting me but I kept the conversations very short, less then two minutes always letting her go. But yesterday, she sent me 3 messages on the computer, and I didn't reply to any of them. Her last message being...

 

"well.... its ok if you dont want to talk.... just wanted to say hi and tell you that i made strawberry salad today ...and it was good, but not as good as yours..

really hope everythign is going good for you dan..."

 

She has also been leaving away names that send the message that she lost someone or is feeling pretty hurt.. like someone broke up with her? Some quotes make it pretty obvious that it is directed at me.. I believe she is still with this rebound guy but I havent heard much. I am getting confused on what to do now? If you have any advice please respond. As of right now I am sticking with the no contact.. Although I do not want to give her the impression that I am still fuming over the situation.

[coooolsome]

Well, you can do strict NC or you can reply when she messages you. However if she messages you, keep it light and short. KEEP IT SHORT. As in, I gotta go, Im busy, anything so you dont have to have a long drawn out convo. If you can break NC without feeling hurt, then good. If you cant then dont do it. Its really up to you b/c you know your ex a lot better than we do.

 

But....you should let her do the contacting. If her new thing didnt work out, do you really want to be the fall back guy? Also, you need to think about what caused the breakup. There is a lot of things you need to do before you even consider getting back together otherwise you will end up at this forum again.