the pain knowing they are with someone else

[J a m e s]

my ex told me she had been meeting someone else.

 

we have been split up for 6 weeks and we were together for 6 years. it is eating me inside imaging her with someone else to the point of distraction and that is all think about.

 

it makes me feel sick, and my stomach turns and i generally feel lousy, but cant seem to shake it off my mind. i cant see how to get through it

[RayKay]

Why did she tell you that?

[2cute2bstressed]

thats my biggest thing knowing my ex is with someone else and it wont leave my mind if u find out how to deal with it please share the secret

[J a m e s]

Why did she tell you that?

 

i dont know, we went out last night, was the first time we had met in 6 weeks and when i left she text telling me she had.

 

i text back saying i wanted no contact from no on at all.

[RayKay]

Why did she tell you that?

 

i dont know, we went out last night, was the first time we had met in 6 weeks and when i left she text telling me she had.

 

i text back saying i wanted no contact from no on at all.

 

I think then she was horribly selfish and cruel for that. There was NO reason for her to do so other than to either absolve her own guilt, or to rub it in. There was NO need for you to necessarily know at this time.

 

On the plus side, it might give you the motivation to move on if she can be like that, or if she can "move on" so quickly. You did right thing by saying no contact, now stick to it.

[DarknHandsome]

do yourself a favor and get girl that isnt so cold hearted

[heloladies21]

For you, No Contact is the way to go 100%. Even if she tries to call you, don't pick up. Don't return her calls. Your emotions will cool in a while. Talk to other girls. It works wonders.

[coooolsome]

How do you deal with knowing your ex is seeing someone else? Move on. Seriously, when you start thinking about her, tell yourself to stop. Start thinking about something else. I am now catching myself thinking about her and if she will come back to me and I now stop myself. I say its over and she is not coming back. Keep doing it. It will take a while but you will eventually stop.

[Vert]

I echo the sentiment of the others -- move on and put her out of your mind. Seeing someone that you have a deep history with and finding out what they're doing is incredibly detrimental to your own health -- physical and mental. You need to calmy tell her that you won't be speaking to her anymore and to please leave you alone. If you can stomach just completely ignoring her then that's an option too so you don't have to see her and tell her. Either way you'll be ignoring her from now on, right?

[OriginalMixedUpKid]

In a similar situation myself, maintain nc and move on. I feel anyone who you had spent so much time with and could you treat you so cruelly doesn't warrant worrying about.........however, having been where you are now I know how much it hurts, it's totally disrespectful, but you shouldn't feel less as a person. nc it all the way, it gets easier!

 

Hang In There!

[busterkeaton]

OK, this sounds like a really dumb idea but it actually does work (or at least it did for me) If you find your thoughts wandering over to where you don't want them to be (for example thoughts of your ex with someone else) snap the elastic band you have previously put on your wrist to give a little sting.

I've seen that suggested somewhere else as a way of assisting in ridding yourself of "bad" or non-productive thoughts. When I read about it, I thought it was really dumb but out of pure desparation to do _something_ I tried it - and it worked for me.

 

ps: I think your ex is really cruel - she must have some issues - or maybe she is just thoughtless. Try not to tell her know you are upset about this - it will just give her ammunition. Someone else mentioned N/C - I think that might be a really good idea right about now.

[lulu04]

i second that emotion ---

stick with no contact, all the way. it is hard, especially if/ when she starts calling you. but you MUST do this for your own health. I am in a similar situation -- fiancee of 6 years walked out on me with no warning. i don't know if he's sleeping with others (but believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, oh 8 million times...) but his actions alone have been so cruel, so thoughtless, that i have forced myself to stop calling. it gets easier. recently, he started calling me now and i have ignored those calls as well. not sure how i'll proceed, but i have to ignore my heart and listen to my head on this one: why do i want to talk to them anyway? so they can hurt me more?? no. no thanks. in your situation, with her being so blatantly evil, you must give yourself some time to fully accept that the person you love is capable of this (surreal and difficult, i know), and once that starts to sink in you will start to lose the desire to talk to her. trust me. i swear this will eventually be something you can move on from, just cut yourself a LARGE amt of slack and try to breathe and get through each day. try to force yourself to believe that there is someone out there who won't treat you like this, and look forward to that. and gradually you will think of them with the other person less and less until finally you just don't care anymore what they are doing because why care about someone who did something so awful to you? you know you deserve better. somewhere in you, you know.

[firstheartbreak]

Dude mine did that to me to and believe me it killed for the first month or so. Then I talked to a few friends who said that she was mostly doing that to feel wanted again and it was to get her mind off me. The shame is she is just prolonging her own healing by being with some random. Any idiot can go out and get laid but a true feeling, cool, intelligent person realizes that this is not the way to heal and takes the pain to be a better person and learn. Plus whomever the guy is - well he is just a Rebound - I certainly wouldn't want to be him anyway. You sound cool - you'll punch through this. Find a better person than her and treat her good.

[J a m e s]

thanks for all the replies.

 

i just feel like im dieing inside, soo much so i cannot pin point what to concentrate on first. all i can see is the ex enjoying life and myself hating it.

i wish i could just pick myself up and get along, but im just finding myself thinking about what i had 24 hours a day, even after 7 weeks of being split up. regretting that i didnt do this, didnt do that and someone else is doing those things and im getting forgot about more and more everyday where im thinking about them more and more.

 

i feel so helpless, and that im know good at chatting to people. i just seem to lockup and not say anything.

[sinnerboy]

first dont talk to her, thats a start and remember there is sombody better for you out there. i know how it sounds but believe me ,i was i your shoes and the girl im with right now makes my life so much better then my ex did.

[TIGRONETTE]

Have just come out of a similar situation (worse if anything) and while maintaining NC is a good piece of advice, "don't think about it" is pretty ridiculous at this stage (though good advice for later). I see why people said this to me now, but when I was in a similar state to the one you're in now, that kind of thing made me really angry. Take it from one who knows, sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop thinking about it. Here are a few leads (tried and tested) to make life less awful.

 

1. Don't be so hard on yourself. You probably don't even realise you're doing it (I know I didn't). It's perfectly allright, no matter what anyone says, to be a wreck for a few months (obviously, if this goes on for more than a year you're in trouble). Take it easy. Take note of whatever you may have accomplished for each specific day. Remember, whatever happened, it wasn't because you are inferior in some way (even if this is something I still have trouble believing now). Life is not about 'winners' and 'loosers'.

2. Imagine you're walking on a tightrope - just put one foot in front of the other. Soon you'll realise that stuff that was unbearable passes by without too much hassle. After a few weeks you'll even realise that there are times at work, or with friends when you're not thinking about IT - hey, that's the first step towards recovery.

3. Someone gave me this piece of advice. I don't know if it'll make sense to you, but it's about the only thing that got through to my brain when I was at my very worst :

Sometimes when you can't change things it feels like you're up against a wall and there's no way of climbing over it. There isn't even any way of getting a foothold to start climbing. The only way out is to imagine other things around the wall. You could paint the wall all different colours, or plant a garden at the foot of the wall, or walk along the wall to see if it ends somewhere. Now this may sound like hippy b**ls***t but it's worth thinking about.

 

Hope that helps

Good luck

 

T

[J a m e s]

hi

 

thanks for your posts, they really do help. god knows where i would be if i didnt discover this forum!

 

im taking things slowly and generally thinking about everything, possibly too much. i do know i need to stop blaming myself for everything, as i am blaming that i wasnt confident enough and this is why we have ended.

 

it does feel alot of the time im trapped in a box and nothing is going right, and the only thing that will make me better will be for to hear those words "i want you back James" i know this isnt going to happen, and i need to stop thinking that the NC will bring her back. it is for me to re-discover myself, make myself better and get healed. it has taken my 7 weeks just to see that, and even now i still feel like i havent made any progress but i know i am.

 

every morning i wake up in a very low state and during the day i try to pull myself through and manage it.

 

the hard part of trying to get along, is to stop thinking what she is thinking and concentrate on my thoughts and get my head clear...lets see where i am at next week.

 

i was talking to my mate earlier and i was saying i had hit rock bottom with my emotions, and that now i have been there, im leaving and coming back to my life.

[TIGRONETTE]

That's the spirit !

oh, and another thing, you will have relapses - we all do

you get through them by remembering that you pulled through last time (believe me this works as well)

[J a m e s]

i think i hit the relapse (isnt that a strange word to type) every morning, and pull myself through.

 

this is the first time, in 7 weeks i have felt more positive and spoken more in my typing etc.

 

thanks!

[rascal]

for me, mornings are always the worst...

[J a m e s]

hi

 

its the morning, and another morning of why didnt i do this etc laying in bed.

 

every morning i think, and every morning things become clearer and i see how my ex's behaviour changed just before we split i noticed it alittle on the day we split as i was crying because i felt she had changed, but she reassured me she did love etc....im wishing i pushed her further now and thinking perhaps i could of fixed us before we split.

 

im thinking of writing a letter, but this is a big no no, as i'll be breaking NC so think i will post it here to let my feelings out.

[liambilson]

James,

 

So sorry to hear what you have been going through.

 

My situation is identical - I actually think she started seeing the new guy before she left me.

 

It's almost 9 weeks ago and I know exactly how you are feeling , with wave after wave of depression washing over you.

 

I know you feel helpless and frustrated and very jealous.

 

I have tried to salvage something but she is not interested. Obcessed with the new, fresh, argument-free relationship. She, like your girl, is a fool . I wrote an e-mail finally instead of phoning, after being told it was all my fault. Although I feel good for getting it off my chest it doesn't look like she is going to contact me again.

 

It's like trying to communicate with a brick wall. Everybody says she's mad but she is determined to abandon me completely it seems. All you can do is try and heal yourself. I wish I could tell you how because I can't do it either. Just keep logging on ere for advice and support - that is the only thing that has stopped me from sinking, believe me. My thoughts are with you buddy - one day you will smile again , let's hope it's sooner rather than later.

[TIGRONETTE]

Afternoon (Ipresume you're in the UK),

 

Just another thing that works wonders (well did for me this morning anyway)

 

Find some kind of sport or artistic activity you were into at school or something. Take evening classes, or better still classes during the day at the week end. I swear it's a brilliant way of getting rid of all that pent up anger - much more constructive than boring your firends to death, weeping down the phone to your mum or getting sh#tfaced at the next opportunity.

 

This morning I was really hung up over a(n unintentionally) nasty email I'd received from the ex and went to my art class feeling really down. Well I managed to get it all out on paper (I was pressing down so hard I almost made holes in the board), but surprisingly, what I drew was rather better that usual, and that put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. Plus these activities are a good way of socialising with people you don't owe anyhting to, and towards whom you don't feel remotely romantically inclined (as it does some good to take time out from all that as well).

[andy_anu]

Hi... I am pretty much going through the same thing...

Just been dumped after a 3yr long relationship yesturday...

I have never felt so low in my life before. I sometimes feel angry, sometimes sad...

I have been replaced by the perfect guy.. harvard grad, handsome, tall, charming, drives a fancy car, got lots of money to spend on her...

 

But I love her...

 

I know at times I did not understand her properly... I was selfish... But I love her... I really do... At times I did get mad on her... but I did cause I was worried bout her... I know I have said things which I never meant out of anger... I regret it... And I have asked for her forgiveness...

But why should she come back to me now that she has got the perfect guy with her...

 

Sorry for such a untidy post... but i am just not myself right now... I am in a lot of pain....

[J a m e s]

hi

 

its sad to hear your news that you are going through the same thing as myself, as i would never wish for anyone to have this feeling i have. it is self torture that their is no cure, only time and and strong mind.

 

liambilson and andy_anu i hope you can pull through this along with me, perhaps we can be each others strength. i have my main weakness in the morning when i wake up, around 6am everyday with thoughts running through my head, i must sleep and think about it all night

 

times like now are hard to as this is when im alone and thinking about her, but i must try to occupy my mind and get on.

 

i think the hardest thing im still trying to come to terms with is that, she isnt coming back, this isnt a silly argument where she will ring and say sorry, or i will ring and it will be all ok. even now i get a text hoping it is from the ex asking to get back together. but would this fix situation? maybe for a few weeks but things would just slide and probably end up with myself being hurt even more. she has done enough damage to me already, why would i be stupid enough to ask for some more??

 

i need to be strong!