Please help me. I don't know what to do..I really need help

[sweetheart230]

I posted the other day. I need help. I don't know what to do. Basically I was being used sexually by a man ten years older than me. He hurt me, abused me emotionally, called me names. I was stupid. I just kept putting up with it. I finally put my foot down when I got back to college and told him no. He told me he'd changed. He told me he'd take me out. Then he cancelled twice. Finally, I said I couldn't put up with him anymore and he begged for one last chance. I gave it to him.

 

He told me he was going to make me dinner. He asked what I was wearing, he told me what time he would pick me up, he even told me what he was going to fix me and that we would get a movie. He joked around about shower sex, something he knew I wanted to try (we only had sex three times, so it still hurt and I wanted to try new things once it stopped hurting).

 

Then he never showed. No call, no email. I called, he never picked up. I know he was online. No explanation. It was too late to get dinner at the cafeteria, so I didn't even have dinner last night.

 

I was so excited. We talked about it all day. He has hurt me in the past, so badly. I tried to end it, but he kept promising me. He said he wanted one chance to prove himself. God, he made me want it so bad. He made me want sex so much. He made it sound so wonderful, so fun. He said he wanted to teach me how good it could be. I just wanted to enjoy myself, have a good time. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine myself having anything with anyone. I can't imagine anyone treating me good. I can't imagine anyone showing me love and respect. I just can't let go. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I keep crying. I can't go on. I can't think of anything except how much I want those promises he made. I want to feel close to someone. I want to just relax and have fun. He his so horrible, but I still want him. I don't know how to let go. I go to counseling, which is helping a little, but I just want to die now.

 

How could he do this to me? How could he be so deliberately cruel? I want it so badly. I want to experience good sex, intimacy, tenderness more than anything. But I don't think I can get it. I think men were better to me when I wasn't so pretty. I feel so alone. So used. I keep thinking if he just knew me, how amazing I really am, how much fun, how sweet, how funny, how warm and loving I am, if he saw how much more beautiful I became over the summer, he wouldn't do this. He would treat me well if he just knew me.

 

How could he drag this on for a year and a half just to hurt me over and over again? How could he make me want sex so badly and promise to make it wonderful for me just to withhold it? He has done such horrible things to me in the past, but he swore it was different. I am stupid for giving him another chance, but what do I do now that the damage is already done? I am so angry and so hurt. I can't concentrate on anything else.

 

Maybe the right one isn't out there. Maybe this is all thats out there for me. I want it so badly. This is all I know. I've never been involved long term with any other man. I don't know what it is like to be treated well. I don't think I ever will. I have so much going for me- I'm attractive, fun, sweet, talkative- but it doesn't seem to be enough.

 

I just want to move on so that I can experience these things with the right person. I just want it to be right. I want sex to be wonderful, not cheap. But I'm having a hard time with this. I can't imagine it being wonderful iwth someone else for some reason. I can't imagine someone loving me. I don't know where to start.

 

I'm sorry...I know this was long. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so hurt. The first time he and I had sex, it hurt so badly. I was naked, shaking violently under the covers curled up in the corner of the bed. And he asked if he could get a blow job since he had to stop cause it hurt me so much. I just want to forget all of this. I want to heal..I want to be able to open up to someone wonderful. I don't know how. Please help if you can. I just don't have anyone to talk to.

[Dannysgirl]

What on earth are you doing dear?

 

How can you expect to experience good sex with somebody who treats you like dog dirt? To experience good sex you have to be with somebody who respects you and cares about you and your needs. The man has demonstrated time and time again that he does NOT care about you or your needs, all you are to him is somebody to have sex with when he is out of other options. The reason he calls you and promises you this and that is because he wants to keep you hanging on and its working isn't it?

From your description of him it also sounds like he enjoys having this power over you so stop letting him have his own way.

 

Waiting around for some guy who couldn't care less about you (believe me when I tell you he doesn't care, men who care DO NOT treat you like this) and treats you like an object when he DOES feel like giving you attention is just silly. You are young and you should be going and and having the time of your life at university, please don't wait around for this sleazeball any longer. Erase his number and begin NC, he has torured you enough. Its time to be strong and tell him to get lost.

 

You will find love and happiness with somebody else, don't for one moment think you won't but while you are wating for this guy to realise your worth how is anybody else going to see it? Stop selling yourself short, go out and start meeting new people.

 

You can do it!

[lunatic]

Sounds like it is a good time to kick this playa to the curb. He seems to be only out for himself. It is a shame you were used but, as with anything in life it is a learning experience. I bet you will not be so easily used and or decieved. Remember the old saying "Fool me once shame on you; Fool me twice shame on me"

 

You need to go out and enjoy yourself and one day you will meet that man that will treat you like a woman should be treated. There are men out there that are wanting to meet someone like you and it will happen if you give it time. Go out with your friends and get out there to learn who you are.

 

Come here and post as often as possible to get out the pain and anger. Stop all contact with him right away (no contact).

[RayKay]

As I said yesterday, this guy is horrible for you.

 

You will NOT find what you are looking for or need from this guy.

 

There ARE wonderful men out there, but the thing is if you are so desperate for love, you are going to end up in these situations over and over. Learn to love yourself, learn that love does not come through sex, or from someone whom hurts you.

 

People will treat you as you allow them to treat you, and will only treat you as you think you deserve...if you feel you are not deserving, there are people who will take advantage of that and reinforce it over and over. If you do not respect yourself, you will attract people who won't do it either.

 

You are very young, you have a life ahead of you, make the most of it, and don't settle for less that you deserve, don't settle for unhealthy relationships. Pursue your dreams, your happiness, learn to love and respect yourself, learn your own self worth. And the rest will follow.

[Beec]

I am sorry to say this, but you got played.

 

You listened to someone who has treated you like crap and leid to you, and you believed him. You need to think you deserve better than this, or you won't get better.

[CATLOVER]

Oh honey....

 

I know I know.....being an idealist at heart I WAS PERPLEXED to find that some people are just looking for someone they can lie to and play......predators looking for someone to suck the blood from......I found myself with one last year and Im 33...so dont feel bad.....you just had a open heart and the wrong guy....plus being your first he really has dug the hooks in....I know you cant imagine being with others but Im telling you I thought that after my first love and I broke up....I thought Id never be able to love another man.....but guess what I have had two long term relationships and one drop kick unfortunately in the last ten or so yrs

so guess what girl...START NO CONTACT with MR Sicko and just take a day at a time.....there will be hard times but u can do it with the help of the support on this board and counselling. YOU have alot ahead of you including real love.

[sweetheart230]

I just don't understand how he could do this. How he could be so cruel to me. I havn't done anything to hurt him- I wouldnt' do that to anyone even if I hated them.

[RayKay]

I just don't understand how he could do this. How he could be so cruel to me. I havn't done anything to hurt him- I wouldnt' do that to anyone even if I hated them.

 

Honey, he does it cause he can. Because for him it fulfills his ego, it makes him feel power. Maybe he is not so confident in his own life, maybe other women won't put up with this crap, so he finds someone whom will. Because he can control you and hurt you, he does.

 

But mainly, he does it because you ALLOW him to do it by staying and accepting that behaviour from him.

[lillady898]

I keep thinking if he just knew me, how amazing I really am, how much fun, how sweet, how funny, how warm and loving I am, if he saw how much more beautiful I became over the summer, he wouldn't do this. He would treat me well if he just knew me.

 

It's really sad, but "men" like this don't care. He could know you're a very sweet and caring person, but that wouldn't stop him. He's too busy loving the control he has.

 

Break away from this. At one point or another, most people have felt that there is noone in the world for them. But there is, and you'll find it. You don't have to put up with this guy in the process of finding that person, though. There is a lot better out there, just waiting for a fun and sweet person like you.

[sweetheart230]

But why does he use ME when he is out of options? Why doesn't me see me as more? What do I do wrong? What is better about other women that he thinks I'm so worthless? What is so wrong with me?

 

If he treats other women differently and is just using me for back up then it must be me. He must think they are better than me. It must be my fault. He used to have girlfriends, I think. So he must be capable of being good to a woman. Would he have treated me better if I hadn't been so stupid and pathetic? Would he have not tried to hurt me?

[RayKay]

But why does he use ME when he is out of options? Why doesn't me see me as more? What do I do wrong? What is better about other women that he thinks I'm so worthless? What is so wrong with me?

 

If he treats other women differently and is just using me for back up then it must be me. He must think they are better than me. It must be my fault. He used to have girlfriends, I think. So he must be capable of being good to a woman. Would he have treated me better if I hadn't been so stupid and pathetic? Would he have not tried to hurt me?

 

You are having a very hard time realizing what everyone is telling you - it's NOT YOU, it's HIM...but you are allowing him to treat you this way. He uses YOU this way because you ALLOW him to do it, you ACCEPT it. YOU are telling yourself that it must be SOMETHING wrong with you, that YOU feel you are worthless. As much as you say you are "pretty and have a lot to offer" I sense you truly do not believe it yourself, or you would not even be asking these questions now.

 

How do you know he is capable of being good to other women? Maybe there is a VERY good reason he is NOT with them now. Not all relationships are perfect in anyway. There is no evidence he treats ANY women better.

 

Just because you are not someone's ideal, or fit with someone, does not mean there is something WRONG with you - not everyone can fit with everyone, now everyone SHOULD fit with everyone. And not everyone can be ready or give what should be given.

[Beec]

In addition to what RayKay said, he is trying to make you feel worthless. And he is using this to keep you where he wants you.

 

If you want and looked at why we fall for who we do, you'd find out that we go for people who make us feel special, remain independent while they do that and then make us feel special in intervals. This make sus feel good, lets those feelings wane, then bring sthem back, so emotionally, we go up and down a bit. It happens in all relationships, but in healthy ones, the ups and downs are pretty small. But we all have emotional highs and lows.

 

If I bring my gf flowers, then she feels great and like I think she is special. That is an emotional high for her.

 

If he makes you feel worthless, he is dragging you down. He is not just letting the feelings wane. Then if he makes you feel good, the high feels higher. It can be addictive. THis is how abusers keep people in abusive relationships.

[lunatic]

Listen sweetie your NOT at fault that you were sucked into this with him. He is a preditor and he will do everything in his power to make you feel small and belittle you as often as possible. Reason he does this to you is for control purposes. If you think your not attractive and stupid then your more than likely going to be happy that HE PUTS UP WITH YOU and YOUR BAGGAGE.

 

 

What we are saying is that your a young woman who was used by a conartist. He wants to keep you there in place as long as he can because it is a power trip to him and a game. My ex put me down all the time saying how misurable I was and how no one would ever be with me. Over the four and a half year relationship with her she had me believing that she was right. I was at a point that I was happy that she would even have sex with me because she broke my spirit.

 

Dont let this monster do that to you and ruin any future happiness you may experince with a man who will treat you right. First things first, you have to stop the cycle of abuse and kick this preditor to the curb. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER. Right now you may feel like no one will ever want to be with you but, your way off base on that. There are so many good men out there that would love you for YOU. You need to do some soul searching to find out who you are and where you want to go in life. You need to LOVE YOURSELF!

 

Please kick this monster to the curb and start your life anew knowing that you beat a monster at his own game by figuring out what he was doing to you. It really kills me I cannot find someone and there are monsters out there that pull this crap.

[sweetheart230]

He told me at the very beginning, the first time we met that he didn't want casual sex cause it was different from the relationship he jsut ended "with all the intimacy and everything". So we didn't hook up that night. Later, it didn't seem to be an issue. But if he could share intimacy with is other girlfriend then what does he think is so wrong with me? Why won't he take the time with me, especially since it hurts so much for me and I can't do it quickly and easily?

 

Maybe he is capable and willing but he doesn't think I'm good enough.

[walkingwithaghost]

Listen, IT'S NOT YOU IT'S HIM. IF YOU WERE LINDSAY LOHAN, JLO, BRITNEY SPEARS CIRCA 1998 he would treat you exactly the same way. If you were brilliant and amazing to talk to HE WOULD TREAT YOU THE SAME WAY. If you were MOTHER THERESA HE WOULD TREAT YOU THE SAME WAY. HE HATES HIMSELF WHICH IS WHY HE TREATS YOU SO HATEFULLY (BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM) AND HE HATES YOU FOR LOVING HIM. HE HATES HIMSELF, IT'S NOT YOU. THERE IS NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING AT ALL YOU CAN DO TO MAKE HIM TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT. HE'S AN ANIMAL. OLDER GUYS DO THIS TO YOUNGER GIRLS ALL THE TIME! YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT HIM. I know it hurts really bad right now, but time heals all wounds. My heart is breaking for you. Do whatever you have to do to get your mind off him. In a few months I promise you will be disgusted that you ever felt this way about him. Please try if not for yourself then for us. Laura

[amurphy]

Hello,

I read your story.

I've dated men that treated me the same way. I used to think what is wrong with me. Why me. The way they treated me made me feel worthless and unlovable. Like something is wrong with me.

However, a few years later, I am wondering WHY did I ever put up with it?

I was letting these guys determine my self worth. If they didn't treat me right then I thought something must be wrong with me. That is simply not true. You just haven't found the right guy yet who sees the value in you.

A good guy who treats you with respect, gives you flowers, makes plans with you. A FRIEND and a lover. I think the key word here is friend. If there is no underlying friendship, there is no relationship. This guy may be all words and nothing else. This guy isn't looking for the same things you are looking for. He is simply just out to please himself and that is it. It may be hard to believe. But it is true. All he wants to do is please himself. He is selfish and dishonest. A dark, cold, unfeeling loser. The only reason he keeps treating you the way he does is because you stick around to take it. Being used is a two way street. You can't be used unless you let someone use you. You are sweet, loving, caring, beautiful, smart, funny,... You must understand that the problem is him , not you. He doesn't care because he isn't looking to care. He is just looking to use. If he doesn't see the good qualities in you, then he is just not right for you. Every minute you waste with him is a minute you could be out finding mr right - someone who treats you with respect and love and cherishes you. You are worth this type of treatment and you will find the right guy. He is out there looking and needing you as much as you need him. But you won't find each other as long as you are wasting your love on this loser who doesn't deserve it! Make a list of all the wonderful qualities you have to offer someone and then a list of what the perfect relationship is like for you and how you want to be treated. Then, take your time - develop a friendship with a guy that treats you with respect. If they start treating you bad - RUN , RUN, and RUN away faster because it doesn't get better. Deep down you may not believe you are worthy of good treatment if they start treating you bad. This is how an abuser wants you to feel - this is how they control you. They may even know all your good qualities but they don't want you to know that. Because if you did they are afraid you would see what losers they are and you would realise you could do better than them. So, they are insecure and want to bring you down to keep you where you are. Think about it. If you truelly felt you deserved better and were not worthless and believed you could find better tomorrow, would you even waste your time on this message board?? No - you would probably be angry at the loser and feel sorry for him because he has treat poeple badly to make himself feel good and you would be out looking for mr right - because you know you can find better and deserve better!

I know from experience. Don't waste another minute thinking about him in any way. If you do, you will regret it. You will realise that you were wasting your time and that there are loving men you could have been happy with, but instead, you were wasting your time on him. You must believe you are worth it and look for mr right. You must develop yourself and believe in your self. You are worth it! You deserve to be treated better! Now go live your life and be free of this moron. Find yourself and take your time in love - don't fall fast. Look for warning signs. Every guy is on best behaviour to impress you at first, then the true nature shows later. Take your time in love is key. Look for respect. Monitor how you feel. Inquire about his past relationships and family life. A good relationship makes you feel happy and high and builds you up. Anytime you cry more than you smile or feel bad about yourself - it's time to forget about him. Date around. But most importantly - you must believe you are worth it - and you are. He may even know you are but won't tell you this because deep down he thinks you are too good for him. And guess what - you are too good for him - he knows this and he knows you could do better. And he won't ever change so don't try. He is a loser wandering around in his own insecurities and there is nothing you can do to change this. You can't comprehend this because you aren't like that - you wouldn't use someone. But, there are people out there who just use. Women use men too - sometimes just for money or whatever. Sometimes people just use and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't change their perspective and make them see how wonderful you are because that is not what they are looking for. They are looking to use you and nothing else. They aren't interested in you and your good qualities. All they want is to use.

So, just don't waste your time or in a few years, you will also be mad at your self for wasting your time on someone who couldn't care less about you simply because he doesn't want the same things you want, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Forget about him and find someone who respects you. He is out there and you will find him.