Damn, I think we're getting divorced

[bigb1084]

We've been together 21 yrs. / married for 17, have a 7 yr. old son.

Hey, things haven't been great, but I thought we were "content". I just found out my husband was checking out dating sites last night. He says he was "just curious", he's sorry, things haven't been good with us for years, it wasn't like he was looking at porn, I shouldn't take this too seriously. My view: it's worse than porn, it's the first step to infidelity - "looking". I had no idea he actually had thoughts of "looking". I told him he crossed the line, and we need to either fix this or split up.

So, what do you think? Obviously our marriage is in serious trouble. I told him I would consider counseling, but honestly I don't think it's fixable. Not now that he has crossed that line. I've always trusted him and now that's shot.

How freaked out should I be?

[GettingOverIt]

I believe it actually is fixable, if you two truly want to work on it. It will take work, and he will have to be willing to turn everything over to you, if he wants to rebuild that trust - by everything, I mean passwords to his various email accounts, online sites, etc... You two have to be open and brutally honest with each other about why things have deteriorated over the past few years and you have to know that fixing things will not happen overnight....

 

There are lots of things you can do to rekindle the romance, but it all starts with being honest with yourselves and honest with each other - do you both truthfully want to work this out?

 

Counseling will provide ideas for communication and should provide a place where you can be open and honest with a neutral party there to help referee.....

 

But, from my personal experience, the very first thing you both have to be is honest with yourselves.... He can rebuild that trust if you let him, and if he wants to.

[RandomAdvisor]

I also think it's fixable. You two have been together for a very long time and it would be a shame for you to have to separate now. It sounds like you have some problems that you've failed to address, and whenever you let that happen it only makes matters worse. Like many problems faced by humans, we often choose to ignore them until we reach a full blown crisis, and finding your husband checking out dating websites is that crisis for you.

 

You say you'll consider counseling, I hope that means he's proposed it? That's a good sign. Give it a try. Be open to the possibility that it could work too.

[Beec]

Well, it seems to me that you got fat and happy with how things were and did nto work on how things should be. he was checking out the grass on the other side of the fence. This does not mean he was going over there, but he looked. In case you did not know it, men look, we always look, we might not ever do something about it, but we look.

 

You have work to do, now get to it. After 21 years, how passionate has your relationship been? Probably not very. In the end, this could be a good thing. But don't just think this is his thing to fix. Sure he needs to make you feel secure, but soem other thigns also probably need to be done.

[Day_Walker]

It seems to me that you are preparing yourself for the worst case scenario and I dont see anything wrong with that. I think you need to look objectively at your relationship and see what the actual problems are. Start with that and go from there.

[lunatic]

I have always felt that in a relationship (marriage or otherwise) there are two people involved. No party is 100% wrong in anything that goes on with the relationship. So I would say if you want to fix the issues then you have to learn to forgive him and be happy that he did not go any further than what he did. Now I am sure you have your own qualms about him so there needs to be some MAJOR communication that needs to be done NOW. Either by Counsler or in therapy there is a lack of communication that needs to be addressed.

 

I agree with Beec in reguards to the passion being low.

 

Good luck and I hope your able to come to a conclusion to this problem.

[quovadimus]

you decide how freaked out you should be. if you think it's not fixable, i can guarantee you, it isn't. if you think it might be, and he thinks it might be, you have a chance. it takes hard work, and gets worse before it gets better.