Friend with benefits a good idea or bad?

[sweetheart230]

Hi. I'm twenty years old and in college. I was involved with a man last year who was over a decade older than me. He made it clear he just wanted sex. I let him do it- i was lonley and curious and a virgin. We only did it a few times. This year, I told him no because I wanted something healthier and he was awful to me. He was verbally abusive and played mind games with me. He insists he will treat me better- that the sex last time was meaningful and we have a connection. He has said he will take me out, but he has cancelled on me three times. I hcan't seen him yet since this school year started.

 

He has offered to make me dinner at his house, but he wants sex, too. He always tells me how he is thinking about my breasts or how he wants to be inside me. I am having trouble with my roommate this year and I just want to hang out with him and have a good time. I just want to get experience with guys. I have very little. I am beautiful, but extremely shy and sometimes insecure. and I never think I'll get a decent guy. I know I am very attractive, but no men seem interested in me. I think if I spend more time with him, I will get experience with men and maybe when the right one comes along I wont blow it.

 

I want sex. I really want sex. But I want to have fun and be treated well. Maybe it isn't sex, maybe i just want to feel close to someone. Maybe I want intimacy. I don't know. But maybe I can just have fun with him. It feels real, sometimes. At night he asks me to come over a lot,a nd I know he just wants sex. I have turned him down at least sixteen times in the month i've been back to school. He is persistent. I just want fun- and those warm happy feelings you get when sex feels right. I just think that I can just have fun with him if I keep it light and not serious.

 

I just think if he got to know me, he would WANT to treat me well. I know my self worth- I think once he spends time with me and we have fun he will want to treat me better. Maybe I am being too demanding and he feels pressured to take me out. One we hang out maybe it will get better. I am a good person. I am funny and sweet and generous. I don't understand why he is so mean to me sometimes. I just want to have fun. He says I overthink things, and that I am negative and immature and ays I'm annoying when I kept asking what time he would come over (he kept saying he didn't know).

 

I just want to have a good time. If I can relax and not let things bother me, I think I can. He won't be so mean to me once I show him how good I am, I think. Then we can enjoy each other. He says that he likes me and that we have a connection. But I can't help thinking that I might be making a mistake.

 

Any advice is appreciated. I am really stupid when it comes to men, and I don't understand a lot of things. I would be grateful for any imput. Thank You!

[Beec]

Wait a second, this guy treats you like crap basically and you want to be in a friends with benefits arrangement?

 

Look being FWBs, requires you to be friends and have some respect for each other. He shows you little respect and then tries to bribe you with promises of taking you out. You can do better.

[RandomAdvisor]

Friends with benefits? How can you have the benefits when the person you're sleeping with can't even be considered a friend? Stay far, far, FAR AWAY FROM THIS MAN. This guy is a grade A jerk if I ever heard of one. He's completely using you for sex. You're nothing but an object to him. Tell him you don't want to see him again, and go to strict NC. There are nice guys out there, and you deserve much, much better than this.

[sweetheart230]

it just feels so good to feel close to someone. i know it isn't real, but it feels like it sometimes. I just don't think any of the good guys want me. I think I am bad with guys and need experience with them. When I was younger I was ugly, and I used to think that was why men didn't want me. But in the last couple years I've grown to be very attractive and they still only want me for one night stands. I guess being pretty isn't enough like I used to think it was. No one seems to give me a chance to show them who I am inside.

 

I want sex. I want practice in dealing with men. (My dad died and I didn't have any man in my life for ten years, so I'm lacking in that area). And I'm too shy to pursue another guy, and other guys often don't seem interested.

[RandomAdvisor]

You want practice with men? Try getting some practice with a real man who knows how to treat a woman. If you keep "practicing" with a loser like this, 20 years from now you'll still end up dating idiots like him, wondering where you went wrong.

 

If you're shy about meeting new people, and just want to be upfront that you want to date, go to a dating website if you want to find a guy in your area. There are a gazillion of them now. You'll definitly be able to find someone you can date, and odds are very good he wont be a complete jerk like this current guy you are seeing.

 

Also, I think you should seek some personal counseling. You seem to be having some self esteem issues. You should never put up with the way this guy is treating you, and there's no rationalizing it.

[mazdagirl]

hun, you didn't need to come to this site to hear these answers because you already know these answers yourself. i think perhaps you were hoping to hear something different than what you know in your heart to be true? your gut instinct is a gift from god, please don't ignore it. it's yelling at you, pleading with you to RUN from this older man who is messing with your beautiful mind. your heart doesn't want to listen, but i'm telling you to pay very close attention to your instincts. don't listen to the part of yourself that says "but this" or "but that". there's a voice inside of you that's insisting you find help not from a man but from a therapist. that voice is saying YOU are the only person who can make you happy and that YOU are more important than any guy. i know it would be nice to change this man's mind, to make him love you. it would feel good. however, it wouldn't feel as good as when you learn to love and respect yourself. that feeling is what you really want, it's what that voice inside of you is begging for. and to love yourself means to stop all contact with this man and seek refuge with family/friends/therapist. you can do it ... you will do it ... it's just a matter of when you truly want to feel fulfilled ...

 

please keep us posted. i'll pray for you.

[teacup]

the reason good men dont want you is because you dont have any respect for yourself.

 

this older man you are describing is disgusting, he is disrespectful and using you and you are justifying it and waving it away.

 

men will push to get away with as much as they can from a beautiful woman. if they can push you into a one-night stand they will. dont let them. just say no.

 

the kind of experience you will have with this man is cheap and worth nothing. it will only bring you pain and sorrow in the end.

[RayKay]

In this same excerpt where you say you have self-worth, you are saying exactly the contrary. If you had self worth you would not hang around with someone "hoping" they will see your value. You would not hang around giving sex to someone whom treats you like crap and is mean, because you think he will change.

 

Self worth does not work like that. Why WOULD you even want to be around someone who thinks you are negative, immature, demanding and so forth. If you have self-worth, you would realize that YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHOM IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU FOR WHOM YOU ARE!

 

When you don't have respect for yourself, others will not have respect for you either - you are treated as you allow yourself to be treated. You only get used for one night stands because you allow it, because you don't think you deserve more. You may be pretty, but you still don't feel you have anything deeper to offer, and so you excuse others for using you this way. The way to get someone to know you INSIDE is to give them time too, to build something more than sex, to meet people on your own terms....join an online dating site or two, join some local clubs - a running group, a art class, a film group, whatever interests you. And learn to empower YOURSELF and love yourself first.

[shyanne]

are you having fun? doesn't sound like it. don't ever allow a man to use you like that. all he wants is sex and you know that . thats fine if thats what you want but at your young age i can't see why you would want just that. you should be dating different guys until you find one that you really like and know he truly likes you. dating doesn't mean sleeping with them. no man will respect you if your sleeping with lots of others nor will you be able to respect yourself.

 

so forget the old man, don't call him and don't answer his calls. one day when your not really looking, you will meet someone who really likes you and wants to be with you for you, not just for sex. mr right will come along... there is someone for everyone. so wait for someone who really cares even if that means alone.... at least that way you can feel good about youself and like who you are cause of it. much better then becoming some old mans toy until that day comes.

 

life is not a battlefield and love is not a game or a war. life is not a game of hunt the missing piece. life is a beach where we can learn to bask in the sun and enjoy each other.

[BillyJean714]

Do you have any close friends or personal mentors to talk to? You sound like a sweet young girl who needs a bit of one on one advice from someone who personally knows you and truly wants to watch out for you. You also sound naiive in a sense that you want to turn a f-buddy into a partner. By definition, the only time the FWB deal works is when both partners detach their emotions from each other.

I just think if he got to know me, he would WANT to treat me well. I know my self worth- I think once he spends time with me and we have fun he will want to treat me better.

But, it sounds like you want this guy to end up loving you for who you are. There is no way to force love. And most definitely, sex cannot buy love. Same goes with respect. Even if you don't want him to end up loving you, but want him to respect you, there's no way to force him to do that either. The only way that you can respect yourself is if you left him behind. Like the other posters said, work on your self-esteem. Keep on being the sweet person that you are, and you'll find that people want to help and give you advice. But, keep in mind, next time you meet someone new, know where the relationship is going. If you don't want to put your emotions into that person, don't. Don't mix f-buddies with love. And, re-read Mazdagirl's advice. I also wish you the best of luck, take care.