Not sure which route to take.....

[ChrisA]

Ok, well, this is a long one, so, please try and read over it and give me your best advice. First off, i've messed up pretty badly with my Ex...god i hate how that sounds...Anyways. 10 month relationship, lots of trust issues, mainly caused by me, fought a fair bit, again, mainly because of me, she left, all because of me.

 

Ok, so, the skinny on it all. Basically, it would seem that i've got control issues. I can't disagree, i must loosen up while we're together. She's never given me the faintest reason to believe she would cheat, and so, i shouldn't think otherwise. I, on the other hand, have been caught talking to, flirting with, and being outright wrong wiht girls on the internet. Although i never physically cheated on her, she perceives this as me cheating. On 3 occasions she's caught me. The last one was the final straw. I came home one day and she was gone. I had invited a girl over, but stood up, the night before (to be fair, there never was an intent to do anything).

 

I spoke to her the night the poop hit the fan, but, it was a lost cause. I had semi flirted wiht this girl and so my ship was sunk, despite realizing what i was doing and standing up this girl, i was screwed. So, about 11 days went by before we talked. I spoke to a mutual friend who thought she was waiting for me to call, and so, i made contact. We went out for wings one night, the movies the next, both ending wiht me breaking down and doing the whole begging deal. She told me that she's unsure on what to do, she loves me but doesnt trust me.

 

Shes taking this weekend to get away and think about things. There are a ton of positives, but a few negatives. Everyone who knows us says i have a chance, that, if i play my cards right, i should be able to get her back, but, In my gut, i still feel like its up in the air. Most people say that if it was over, and if she truly didnt want me back, there would be no wings, movies, or weekends to think about it.

 

At this point, i'm not sure what will happen. I realize that she's now been boxed into a corner and has to make a decision, but, what do you all think? Any chance in hell she'll take me back?

[Miahni]

Hi Chris,

 

Just curious, how are you going to prove to her that you won't be doing those kinds of things to her again?

 

Miahni

[Echo]

I will tell you from experience it SUCKS being with someone who does NOT

trust you. I don;t blame your ex for leaving you....you need to grow up.

Accusing someone of doing something they are not is seriously WRONG...especially when it is YOU who is guilty of it.

 

You need to give this girl LOTS and lots of space..WITHOUT badgering her. That is one of your best bets. You have to earn HER trust back and it is NOT going to happen overnight. You are going to have to learn to be patient, and to be understanding of her point of view. It's basically like someone who has cheated or had an affair...the cheater is the one who HAS to make the concessions, and do what is necessary to right any wrongs. I hate being harsh..but you even admit you are at fault. So if you DO want her back then back off and give her space. Tell her you are willing to work things out ..at HER pace..otherwise you are NOT respecting her wishes.

Good luck to you.

[Does_Darkness_Turn2_Light]

Chris, all I can say is I agree with Echo in that you have to give her, her space.

But you made a good point, if she really didn't want any part of you, she wouldn't of had wings, the moves.. etc.

By the sounds of it, I think your chances of you two getting back together, are pretty good. So if and when it does happen, you gotta relax. She isn't cheating on you! And you. Yah gotta stop talking to other girls. Obviously if you want her back this badly, then you obviously really do love her. Forget other girls. That's what porn is for my friend. If your caught watching that, you can say its natural. Caz it is. But just lightin up a bit and you'll be fine.

[ChrisA]

Wow, ok guys, thanks for the advice. My biggest concern at this point is that i might have already put too much pressure on her. She was to take this weekend and think about things, think primarily about us. I'm very worried that she'll come back and tell me that she's realized that i've done too much damage to her trust and that she wont be coming back.

 

In respect to me proving that i wont do these types of things again, i think my first step is introducing her to all the girls i talk to online. I mean, if she knows who they are, perhaps she'll feel a bit better about me talking to honest friends. In respect to any other girls, i've already deleted them. I also plan on reassuring her that she's who i want to be wiht each step of our relationship. Lastly, i'm going to show her my commitment to the relationship by working on my flaws like i never have before.

 

I messed up, i went out on a limb to tell her how i felt, but she's unsure, she told me that she doesnt want to lead me on so there was very little physical contact, but, there was the odd kiss, and she did grab my hand during the movie and snuggled up to me...but....she's unsure which has me thrown off. Like, i've heard nothing since thursday evening, she even came on MSN last night for about 1 min, but didnt even say boo....like, i dunno, am i just over worried?

[messed up]

Hi Chris........I think the folks above are right on, with the advice. I am in a boat very similar to yours right now. It feels like it is sinking most of the time but there are those encounters with her, that give me hope. My friends also say that she wouldn't give me the time of day, if she wasn't interested in a reconciliation. It is hard to follow the advice given above, but when I read it concerning someone else, it makes all the sense in the world. There are people and sites that will preach to make them jealous and to not let them know that you are still going to be there but I disagree. I think if she is truly a special person, she will not be a game player and she will appreciate that you are willing to be patient for her. Now, if I could just convince myself of that also. Hang in there. It is not too late to back off, I thought the same thing. I have backed off and she is slowly coming back around. I send her one text message a day that says I love you and I have been getting them back, along with I miss you. And she has already met someone who is problem free, but he ain't me. So, just gotta' have some patience and faith.

[ChrisA]

Might have been a mistake, but, given she's away on this weekend trying to make sense of it all, i wanted to email her and at least know that she's got all the information in front of her. It might have been a mistake, but, one thing i did state is that i didn't want a "Yes or No" answer at the end of the weekend...kinda take a bit of the pressure off. I did, however, try and reassure her of my commitment to her and to a relationship.

 

I plan on being patient, i plan on giving her space. I just hope it works out. Missing her is the worst feeling.

[messed up]

That sounds like a plan. That is exactly what I am trying to do now. I let her know, please don't feel that you have to make a decision and to take her time. She said that she would. We'll both get through this, big guy. I can remind you and you can remind me to back off. Keep posting. You sound like a good guy, who's owned up, so hopefully she'll see that also.

[ChrisA]

Well, she got the email and read it, but, that was about 3 or 4 hours ago. Still no response...Not too sure how to perceive it. Either its good news that she's thinking it over, or, because she doesn't know what to say she hasn't said anything. Or, its really bad and she wants to do it in person....what do you guys think?

[messed up]

Its a really hard question. It could be any one of the above. You just have to hope for the best. I know thats crappy advice but its anyone's guess as to what she is thinking right now. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[ChrisA]

Ok, we've come forward a few weeks. I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot of them were for one reason or another, regardless, i'm still here...

 

For a few weeks, i tried to convince her to trust me, tried getting her to open up and give me a chance, then, when i had tried everything i could...i gave up. That's right. I gave up.

 

Yesterday after finding out that I may have a new job in a new city, i changed my MSN name to something which reflected this possible move. Low and behold, i heard from her. We talked for awhile, all the time, i stayed strong and didn't try and talk about the relationship. She, however, made a few comments about her family asking when i would come out, and when i said "I'm sure you squashed that, that i wouldn't be going out", she responded with "that's your choice". She just really changed the way she was talking to me...telling me that i didn't know how she felt, that she wasn't over me, etc. Basically, for the first time, giving me some form of hope..

 

I wonder if you guys may have some input here..She still doesn't feel she can trust me, she also said that she doesn't want too...I kind of dropped hints that i was seeing people in a none-serious form, and this seemed to really bother her.

 

Can you guys make any sense of this?

I emailed her today to ask about a possible coffee...she came online, didn't say hi, and no response to my email....

[ChrisA]

Anyone have anything...?

[coooolsome]

Dont play games. Dont drop hints that you are seeing people in a non-serious manner. If you really cared about her, you wouldnt try tactics to make her jealous. She already said she isnt over you. She doesnt trust you. That is a huge issue. You need to talk to her about it. You have to realize that trust isnt something that is built overnight. You are going to have to work really really hard to get her to trust you again.

 

You cant regain her trust by telling her she is possible going to lose you to some other girl. Lay off the other women. Show her you love her and you would do anything for her. Now if you cannot then maybe you should move on to another woman. If you truly love her, then you shouldnt be dating/hooking up with other women.

 

Plus you cannot convince her to trust you. She never truly will. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you understand why she doesnt trust you. Tell her you are sorry. Tell her that you realize how you hurt her. Tell her you will prove to her that she can trust you. Tell her you know that it cannot be done in a short period of time. Tell her you want to take is slow. Tell her you will also give her space to figure things out.

 

Then do it. Try to regain her trust. NO other women unless you dont want her back. Its going to be hard but if you love her you will try no matter how hard its going to be.

[ChrisA]

I would be very content with not seeing other women. In fact, I was doing just that for the first month and a half, but, it just feels like no matter what I do, she doesn't see it, or just doesn't care.

 

I've told her repeatedly that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to regain her trust, but, it seems to fall on deef ears. I'm just at the end of my rope, i mean, you love someone, you try and try and you keep getting rejected, how can you keep up the good fight?

 

I'm just really confused is all. I mean, does she want me to keep fighting for her, or does she really want me to move on and giveup?

[coooolsome]

Chris

 

Maybe an idea: Since she seems to be confused, tell her this. That you love her, you want to be with her, but you can tell she is unsure. Tell her that you would love to regain her trust but that you will take a step back and give her space. You will not contact her until she is ready to contact you. Tell her this is something you can trust me to do. If she wants to talk to you she can call. In the mean time you will work on your issues. Tell her you will not go see any other women. This I think is a good first step but you have to make sure you hold to it. It will be hard but if you break any trust you might have had will be gone.

 

Tell her this is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do but you have to do it to try and regain her trust. Just remember she wont fully trust you. This is just the first step. Its going to be really hard. Oh and you have to also ask yourself how long you will wait for her. Dont give her a time frame but keep one in your mind.

[ChrisA]

I think that's great advice. But, I think i have a big problem. She seems to have blocked me on msn, and didn't pickup when i called her. I did call back an hour or so later and left a message to the effect of;

 

"Hi ***, just me Chris, I think that you might have misunderstood me the other night and I'd really like to talk to you. I'm working till yadda yadda, then i'll be home at yadda. Hopefully I'll hear from you. Miss you."

 

I think i might have pushed the wrong buttons by letting her know that I was seeing people. In fact, i know i screwed it up. My problem is I really need to talk to her in person in order to get my point accross and now I think i might have just lost that opportunity....

[coooolsome]

Chris

 

Ok, you called and left a message. Now leave it at that. If she wants to call you she will. DO NOT make the mistake of trying to call her again. If in like 2 weeks she doesnt call, then call. Let everything blow over. She will call you when she is ready.

[ChrisA]

I wish i had received that msg sooner....

 

Well, I made the possible mistake of sending her an email. I think, based on everything, I did what I had to do. In it, i basically told her that I loved her, missed her, made mistakes but was willing to do whatever it took to regain her trust and get her back.

 

I did tell her that she had to make a choice though, that If I had a chance, then great, we needed to talk and she needed to hear some things. But, if I didn't have a chance, then for me, I needed for us to cut all ties and go our separate ways. In the email i stated that if I received no response I would assume her choice was made and that I didn't have a chance. I also let her know that i haven't been sleeping with other people, and that I've truly fought the good fight for the last two months. I, however, stressed that this couldn't go on anymore.

 

I did get a msn message from her a few hours later. It didn't say much, just let me know about a phone call she had received for me (shared #), that she had received my email, and when she realized i wasn't on, she said that "I guess I'll talk to you later".

 

To me, this kinda leans towards her wanting to talk, which is good. I just hope its not to say goodbye, or that my email fell on deaf ears.. Your thoughts?

[ChrisA]

Ok, time for an update.

 

After she received my email, we talked a day or two later. Very short and sweet. She said that she wanted to stay single, that it wasn't another guy or anything, and that if i couldn't deal with it, then we would have to stop talking. But, she did say that SHE wanted to keep talking. Anyways, i said i couldn't and goodbye.

 

Now, roughly 2 weeks have passed and tonight when she popped on MSN i decided to say hi. We chit chatted for a few mins and i asked her if she wanted to do something this week. She agreed and we decided to get together on Tuesday evening.

 

At this point i'm a bit confused and trying not to be optimistic but having a hard time not. Part of me believes that she wouldn't agree to getting together knowing how i feel for fear of leading me on. On the other hand, she might just be going into it thinking its just friends....any advice on how i should perceive this or what my next step should be?

[ChrisA]

Anyone?? I really need some advice here...

 

A small update. She sent me a msg on MSN today asking if i had come up with anything for us to do on Tuesday. We've chatted a bit this afternoon. Seems awful friendly..

[ChrisA]

Hey Everyone. Rather than getting advice here, it almost seems like this is turning into a journal or a progress report....really, some help is needed. I saw the ex lastnight, we decided to just get a few movies and relax here at the apartment and have a bite to eat (I finished work a bit late). We chilled, didn't really talk too much, def didn't bring up anything heavy. We ended up laying on the couch together, I was holding her and she fell asleep. Around 2:30am, she wokeup and I asked her if she wanted to go and laydown in my room. She agreed and so we went and lay down together. Again, i had my arm around her and she seemed pretty at ease with it all, even cuddling up herself. It was very nice and I do believe she felt the same.

 

We talked till about 5am, kept it pretty light, nothing about 'us' persay. Definity nothing about us getting back together, yet, here she was sleeping in my bed. There was no kisssing, no sex, nothing of that nature, just us cuddling. Long story short, we both agreed that we had a good time and plan on seeing eachother again on Monday.

 

Does this sound as though i'm in friend mode, or reconcille mode? Is it possible that she's testing the waters or do you guys figure she's just being friendly? She drives btw and could have left at any point.

[Hawk]

Sounds like friend mode to me - she felt comfortable with you and that's it - not to be hard but there was no suggestion of anything more than that.

[ChrisA]

You might in fact be right about her feeling comfortable with me. However, in the early stages of our breakup she was very sure of not trying to lead me on or give me any false hope.

 

For the first meetup in about 2 months, couldn't this be considered a fairly decent sign? I realize there wasn't anything very intimate that took place, but I feel that its a positive step forward.

 

Any other thoughts or suggestions? We're getting together again on Monday. Should i keep quiet until then?