Why are New Friends so Hard to Find?

[blueyes25]

It seems as though making friends is more difficult as we become older. I have 4 close girlfriends who I have had since I was young. One, I have known since 3rd grade! Anyway, everyone seems to be getting married, having babies, or completely immersing themselves in their relationships.

 

I would like to have more girlfriends who are still single and like to go out and can be a bit more spontaneous. (I am in Tempe, AZ - if anyone reading this is there as well, please PM me!)

 

Anyway, I do have a boyfriend and we separated for awhile and I learned alot about myself in the time we were apart. What I realized is that it is absolutely necessary to have a life outside of the relationship. I don't want to be a clinger - I would rather just be free to be me - and to expand my social circle so I can have people to call and hang out with - that don't include him all the time.

 

I realized that I am a bit envious of A and his larger social circle - although he does not have alot of deeper relationships, he has people he can call and find somerthing to do at just about any time. My circle is not that big and as I said - everyone is settling down. I find myself trying to cling in the relationship to overcompensate. What I have learned is that you CANNOT rely on one person to fill that spot. It is up to you to still maintain your independence and friends.

 

Anyway, that is what I would like to do - I just want to make new friends, and as silly as it sounds - I just don't really know how. I work at a manufacturing company and everyone is so much older and married and the majority are men - so that kind of negates networking at work. I am not in college anymore and I am just not sure where else to meet people.

 

I am independent by nature - I have done many thinsg alone: I've traveled alone, dined alone, I even catch movies alone from time to time. However, I would rather be with people and I get so restless on the weekends when I feel like I have nothing to do. I feel like a loser

 

Suggestions anyone? I am extroverted/introvert if that makes any sense - ha, ha I just really want to test my wings and get out there - and now that I have learned some things about myself - I want to make things better for myself.

 

I am just not sure where to go or what to do now...anyone want to grab a beer? Ha, ha

 

Advice would be appreciated

[SubtleGrace05]

Well, Im sure you thought of this but I could suggest joining a club, or sport, something that would attract women your age.

 

Hope this helps.

 

hugs,

 

Grace

[lunatic]

Take some classes in things that interest you. I am sure you will have no problems meeting people who you could one day call a friend.

[DiscipleOfChange]

well, speaking as somewhat of an introvert myself, I can say our search for friends can prove challenging. The truth is, you really just need to take the leap. Go clubbing perhaps. I wouldnt really know about life after college, but I can say (for better of for worse) alcohol has connected me to a lot of people. Truth is, you'll never meet anyone doing things alone. I keep wishing that were the case; that as an introvert, one could enjoy things by themselves and people would come up and introduce themselves and take part.

 

Go out for walks, go into coffee shops, look up community activities or things of common interest and go join them

 

~Mark

[shes2smart]

Oh, man, does that sound familiar.

 

First, what do you like to do? If you don't have an immediate answer to that question, then it's time to start experimenting with different things. Lemme give you an example from my own life, and you can get an idea how this works --- I love horses, but after one too many crashes riding, I had to find some other way to be around them while reducing my risk of injury. So, I started hanging out at the race track (by myself, as I'm somewhat of a loner) instead. After a while doing that, I got curious about what happened "behind the scenes" on race nights, so I made a few calls to see if I could get a tour. I talked to the track's marketing director who happened to be married to one of the trainers at the track. She used to show horses herself, so we had some common ground. Next thing I knew, I was cleaning out stalls for them on Saturday mornings and helping them with their horses on race nights. From there, I ended up being "free labor" to whoever needed help with their horses on race nights and I met a number of people that way. We'd usually go get something to eat after racing was done, and that made for a full night for me. Eventually, I wound up owning a few horses.

 

Now, I wouldn't call any of these folks lifelong friends. Outside of horse racing stuff, we had very little in common. I know a little about their personal lives, and they know a little about mine, I like, respect and care about them and I believe they feel the same about me. Since I moved out of town, I do miss them occasionally, but other than, say, Christmas cards, we don't keep in touch. They were primarily "activity buddies."

 

If those are the types of people you're looking to add to your life, you first need to find an activity. So, again....what do you like to do? Depending on what part of the country you're in a popular pasttime during the fall and winter months is bowling...you could join a bowling league, or darts, or billiards. It doesn't really matter what the activity is just so long as it's something you are truly interested in doing.

 

And, yes, it does become more difficult to make friends as you get older. People tend to become involved with their spouses/kids, and in a lot of ways, that's as it should be....family first and all. But you can still find "activity buddies" and you never know if you will strike up a deeper relationship (friendship or otherwise) out of that circle.

[freeindeed]

I can completely understand. A lot of my fights with my off again, on again boyfriend stems from my jealousy/annoyance that he can literally call up anyone and have something to do for that night (my low self-esteem caused me to wonder why he'd rather hang out with them instead of me). But I realized exactly what you said, I need a social circle outside of my boyfriend. No guy wants the pressure of being someone's entire world.

 

Unfortunately, I'm also pretty introverted and have a tough time getting close to people. I even have a roomate that I've lived with (we sleep in the same room!) for over a year, and we've only "hung out" a few times. There's a part of me that doesn't want to hang out with anyone besides my bf, so I often have to FORCE myself to do things with others, which always turn out to be fun anyway. But there are days when I refuse and I feel like I'd rather be alone, and that's when I'm pretty miserable and feel most lonely.

 

I totally sympathize with what you said about the weekend comes and you feel restless and like you want something to do but have no one to just call up and say you wanna hang. The feeling sucks, I know. But we're the only ones that can change it. No one else sees what's going on, because we're always hiding ourselves, and besides it's not their responsiblity to chase us around to see if we want to hang out.

 

If I was in AZ, I'd definitely hang with you! Too bad I'm like 8 hrs. away

 

Good luck!

[blueyes25]

Thank you to everyone for the posts!

 

The funny part about me is that I am pretty outgoing...I am not introverted, but then again - sometimes I am. When I am in social situation, I'll talk to anyone. I do not have a problem doing things on my own - it just seems as though my social circle is getting small now that people are getting married and having kids etc.

]

While I choose to hang out with my boyfriend, I do choose to hang out with others as well. I do want to be with other people b/c if things didn't work out - I want to have a life outside of him. I am envious that he has a larger social circle than I do, but we do not fight about it. This is more something I have discovered in myself and have realized that I am a necessity too! Life should not always be about someone else.

 

If anything, we have discussed it and see having separate things to do as a healthy way to take care of ourselves for each other. I am happy for him when he goes out with his friends - I am just restless and unhappy for me when I can find nothing to do.

 

Anyway, the point is that I want to meet new people - I see this as a challenge and I am up for it - I am just not sure how to meet them.

 

All the suggestions have been greatly appreciated!! Please keep them coming

 

And thanx freeindeed! Our situations are similar. I wish I was in LA

 

Blue