Cheap boyfriend

[SandyD]

My boyfriend is doing his masters at a university, and he is still largely supported by his parents. Because of this, he obviously doesn´t have tons of money to throw around. We always go dutch when we go out. But this has started to bother me. I´m not asking for him to pay for everything, and I´m not some old fashioned girl, but sometimes I wish he were more generous.

 

He only picked up the tab for a meal once, and it was so unusual that I felt weird about it. He doesn´t have a car, so I´m always driving to pick him up, yet he never offers me gas money. I´ve bought drinks for our own consumption, and he encouraged his roommates to help themselves. He was away for a whole month last month, and brought me back a... lighter! Yes, a lighter. A pink plastic lighter. The other day we went out with friends and he had no cash on him, so I paid for his beers. Afterwards we went to grab a pizza and he offered to pay since I had gotten his beers. I didn´t eat much, I dropped him off, his roommates finished eating the pizza and I felt ripped off.

 

This is really starting to bother me. I´m not sure how to deal with this.

[FCTex]

Talk to him about it. Be understanding of his situation, but tell him that it bothers you..

 

Sounds like he's gotten into a rut, thinking your going to just continue to do like you have in the past.

 

Really, I think, if you love him, you won't love him for how deep his pockets are, and I think you do. Because you wouldnt have gone this far with him, and this situation..

 

 

Just tell him your tired of footing the bill for all the outtings, and his friends mooching off of you through him.

 

Sure, he might be offended of it, but he needs to realize what he's doing..

 

I can't really offer much more. I'm very old fashioned, and I've never gone dutch on any date, even with a girlfriend of 1.5 years. We paid for the whole thing, and would alternate sometimes.. Randomly, but I usually was always prepared to pay for it all, everytime. If I couldnt, I said so, and I suggested other plans, to which she'd be fine with offering to pay the way for anything we did.

[SandyD]

Thanks for the reply. I know I should talk to him, I just don´t want to hurt his feelings. I don´t foot all the bills, but he does make me feel like he doesn´t value my money much (or my own self for that matter) when he seems more generous towards friends than towards me. The car thing is what upsets me more. He lives far from me, and he´ll come to my house by foot on occasion, or by bus, but mostly it´s me driving all the way there, taking him out, bringing him back... and I´m not rich either!

[needafriend]

Does he take care of you emotionally? Does he make you feel good about yourself? I bet there are plenty of girls out there that would trade the physical possesions for emotional re-assurance!

 

Im not having a go at you here - my bf isn't big on the whole gift giving thing either! But sometimes he will bring me over my favourite ice cream just cos he know i love it - that is worth more to me than a fancy dinner anyday!!!!

[SandyD]

Oh yes... he is great otherwise. He is a sweetheart and makes me feel very loved. I´m definetely not with him for his money... hehehe.

Still, somehow this whole money thing is not sitting well with me. I feel weird about it.

 

Edit: I don´t want fancy dinners either. But is it wrong to want the guy to foot a bill once in a blue moon, even if it´s just a shared ice cream? I would for him!

[annie24]

I dunno.... he sounds like a free-loader. I've dated many broke grad students myself, and they always tried to pay most of the way. Or, at least, find free concerts, rent a movie, borrow a friend's car... etc. Like you said, he shouldn't have offered the drinks you bought to your friends.

 

I'm also a grad student, and I've also dated men who made 5-6x more than me, and I'm always a little surprised when they let me pay for my own drinks. One guy actually *jumped* back from the tab when it came! My drinks only came to $11! geeezzz....

 

Are you sure he's a great boyfriend otherwise....? He's treating you like a sugar momma...

[needafriend]

Absolutely not!!!! He should foot the bill every now and then.

I'm very old-fashioned in that way and think that my bf should foot the bill when we go eat - but not all the time. I always make sure I take him out for dinner at least once every few weeks, to his favourite places.

 

I do this (and get him little gifts for no reason or his fave cookies ect) to show how much I appreciate him making sure I have a nice meal every now and then and taking me to chick movies that he hates!!! I always feel special whenever he puts effort in - no matter how small the gesture.

 

I try to make it 50/50.

 

In conclusion.... your bf should do the same.

 

He has obviously gotten used to it and is taking it for granted...

 

Tell him to get a job.

[SandyD]

Are you sure he's a great boyfriend otherwise....? He's treating you like a sugar momma...

 

Ouch.

 

Well, he does rent movies, cooks dinners (usually for a bunch of people, and then he splits the bill for ingredients), keep an eye out for free things like concerts and such. But when we go to the movies, I´ll pay full price and he´ll get his student discount. He once asked me out to the theater, to a play he really wanted to see, and got the student discount and actually let me pay full price for mine... which really hurt my feelings.

 

This is bad right?

 

Oh, and he doesn´t seem embarrassed by this.

[annie24]

so... hrmm.... Yeah, I think he's cheap. Here's the thing - your guy, and the last few grad students I've dated, all made the same amount of money. And yet, the grad students I dated would pay for drinks, or take me to dinner (reasonable restaurants), or take me to the cheap theater in town ($1.75 for tickets! sweet!) None of these activities cost a lot and they were all thoughtful. And, they insisted on paying even though I, being in a different field of grad school, made more money than them. (Grad students in the sciences tend to make more than ones in the humanities.)

 

I think that he sort of is taking you for granted. The next time he suggests a play or a nice dinner, tell him that you're concerned about YOUR finances and want to save some money.

[SandyD]

Thanks Annie24. I will do that. It´ll get my message accross and I won´t feel taken for granted anymore. And then maybe he´ll shape up and start paying more... or maybe we´ll never leave the couch again!! ha ha ha We´ll see what happens.

 

He´s out of town for a few weeks again due to his studies. I wonder what he´ll bring me as a gift this time around... I hope it´s not another lighter.

 

I have the feeling that he doesn´t do this out of malice. He´s just really thickheaded.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Why would guy take girl for granted?

 

Sometimes it is feel like only you making the effort, paying for all the things.

 

Is it possible that he does not care for you enough to pay for the cinema?

[SandyD]

Is it possible that he does not care for you enough to pay for the cinema?

 

Well, he says he loves me... but maybe he doesn´t because he always goes dutch... is that what you are saying? Could it be he doesn´t care?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Are you friends before both of you date? If so, is he like that when both of you are friends?

[Stari]

SandyD,

 

You are asking how to deal with your bf.

 

You are annoyed because your bf does not act the way you expect him to. The two of you are two different individuals with different ways of showing that you care for the other. Ask him what are his caring actions. Tell him what are yours. The goal is to become aware what actions your partner appreciates and then do more of them instead of only doing to your partner what you would appreciate. Try to understand more of how your partner thinks. Why his expectations are the way they are more difficult to convey since they are the result of his entire lifetime experiences.

 

Raise the issues in a non threatening way and listen non defensively in return to your partner when he reveals to you your annoying characters.

 

I would not give your partner hints. Better to talk about the issue. Do not use sentences beginning with "You", instead use "I feel".

 

Keeping quiet will only build resentment which will ultimately kill your relationship, a relationship that otherwise seems unusually refreshful.

[Day_Walker]

If this issue actually bothers you as much as it seems, then you need to discuss it with him.

[Shadows Light]

Raise the issues in a non threatening way and listen non defensively in return to your partner when he reveals to you your annoying characters.

 

I would not give your partner hints. Better to talk about the issue. Do not use sentences beginning with "You", instead use "I feel".

 

Keeping quiet will only build resentment which will ultimately kill your relationship, a relationship that otherwise seems unusually refreshful.

 

AGREE... with STARI... keeping quiet will only build resentment and kill the relationship.

 

Try to be a bit more assertive with his friends to.. if they are eating and drinking on your TAB.. pass the hat and tell them to put some cha-ching in the kitty. Nothing comes for free...and THIS BANK is definitley closed.

 

You should be concerned about your finances. And you shouldn't be supporting other peoples lives. Sorry.. sharing is one thing... but a FREE-LOADER is a FREE-LOADER is a FREE-LOADER.

 

I'm all about sharing.. and equality and all that jazz. And I understand about people being down on thier luck etc etc. However... they'd better learn to get up..and get with it. Cause the train is about to leave the station.

 

If you feel you are being taken advantage of ... then you are. Its easy to TAKE when someone gives so freely. And it becomes a habit with some people. You kinda started this thing...so you are in the postion of yanking the chain and stopping it.

 

To keep the relationship intact. Try in a non-confrontational way..using "I" statements as STARI suggested talking about your feelings...and DO NOT feel guilty about it. AND Do Not get caught up when they tell you.."you shouldn't feel that way."... You do feel that way...and they are your feelings.

 

The "play tickets".. that one made me cringe... he got his on discount and u paid full price. YIKES. You should have split the cost. Full price+halfprice = Cost.... divide the cost. You both save. Hope he's not a finance major or an accountant... sounds like he's found accounting loophole there... I dont' know why ENRON comes to mind..and creative accounting practices... LOL.

 

Think it through and work the conversation in your head. And then just sit down and talk to him about what is on your mind. Tell him your finances are tight too... and he needs to be more considerate. Because the BANK can't support his habits also. Its not just paying for things...its also the wear and tear of your car. Etc. Etc. No one should be put upon in a relationship. Its simply not fair. If he wants to be with you.. he'll find a way. Sooo you don't go to restaurants and u stay home and make pasta... sometimes, being creative is allot more fun than canned entertainment anyway.