Almost back together... but need advice

[gattsuga]

Hello all, brief background... i broke up with my ex a couple months back, and now i can't seem to live without her (yeah, i know i was the jerk... and am sooo lucky to have another chance). we've been talking a lot in the last few weeks, and things have been going really great. We hang out, go on dates, laugh, hug, kiss, etc. but she still doesn't completely trust me yet. I totally understand that, I did break her heart.

 

but what's got me confused and hurt, was when i was talking with her today, another guy comes up and starts talking to her... and she totally ignores me and focuses all her attention on him... like i wasn't even there. i waited for her to finish talking... but all of a sudden the guy asks her to go on a plane ride with him around the city at night. I guess he's training to be a pilot. without even hesistating, she accepts, and gets super excited to go. Just when I thought we were getting back together, she ignores me, and agrees to go on a date with me right beside her.

 

does this mean she lost interest in me?? after they finished talking, i talked with her a bit, i didn't mention anything about her accepting the date, but she acted as if nothing was wrong. Could i have misunderstood?? does she not see that as a date? a romantic flight around the city at night with just two people?

 

i just need a little guidance... after reading this forum for a bit, i'm going to try the NC thing for a few weeks... but am I overreacting? or do i have a right to be angry about all this?

 

thanks for your advice

[heloladies21]

Well before you do anything, you need to be clarified on the subject. Are you two together or separate? Is the relationship exclusive or open? Once you get your answer, decide if it's something you want to be a part of. If it's an open relationship, you're both free to talk to whoever you want including you.

[goddess23]

she obviously was hurt by you and wants to try giving you a taste of your own medicine. she feels that she has the right to do a little hurting to you. (i dont know what happened but it seems from your post you were a jerk if you yourself admitted it). so its just part of a little gamee shes interested she just wants to get back on a small scale. if it really bothers you, talk to her and say you want to be exclusive because that really hurt and shell feel special. dont be like i know why you're doing this....NO lol. jsut pretend you're completely oblivous and you've just realized how much she means to you lol.

[gattsuga]

we are separated right now, but she keeps telling me she wants to get back together, but doesn't know if it's a good idea since i've hurt her. I told her that I was responsible for everything that went wrong, and I want to make things right. The reason I broke up with her was because i was going through depression. but now that i've come out of that (thank God), I know that i want her to be a part of my life forever.

 

she isn't the type to do things to spite me or give me my own medicine.... she's a real kind hearted girl. i want to make things right between us, so i'm giving her the space she needs to think things through, but it's just killing me to think she ignored me while i was sitting beside her when she was asked out on a date....

[mooregirl7]

no offence buddyboy but she knows better then to trust you right now, you guys aren't together and while she will probably date you she gave you the heads up that you aren't going to be exclusive for a while, it is not that she doesn't love you, it is just that she needs the boost to her self esteem that only comes when a man(or a bunch of different men) pay attention to you. She probably does not look at the "date" as a date she is probably just wanting to have fun. you guys are not exclusive so let her. You don't have the right to get jeolous right now, so give her flowers and take her on a romanitic night on the town yourself, it's her time to have fun, not to be emotionally trapped my two cents they an't worth much but there it is

[acuraman]

It will take sometime for her to open up to you and trust you again. Until she starts to trust you again, your going to have to prove yourself to her.

 

Even thought the two of you aren't together, I thought that it was rude that she ignored you while she was talking to another guy. That is very unacceptable, regardless of the situation. She should have introduced you to her friend.

 

I personally think she did it on purpose to hurt you and to make you jealous. My ex was the same way, when we were broken up, we were trying to work things out and she would do those kinds of things to me, like talking to guys on the phone when I was around, or going out with guys. I didn't want to deal with it anymore, and so I let my emotions take over and now we don't speak at all.

[heloladies21]

Well you have your answer, you're both allowed to talk to whomever you want. And if it ever becomes too much for you to handle, you have the option to set an ultimatum, either get back together or cut ties altogether.

[acuraman]

I agree with heloladies21, however, DO NOT give anyone an ultimatum unless you are prepared to lose.

 

If you do decide to give her an ultimatum, be prepared to accept the consequences because there is not turning back. If you try to take it back, it will make you look weak and indecisive.

[gattsuga]

thanks guys for the advice. now with the NC thing, should I just start ignoring her if she talks to me? try to avoid her? or tell her that i'm doing this NC thing?

[acuraman]

If shes answering your phone calls and calling you back, I wouldn't give her NC. If shes being distant, then I would definetly do NC. That is my opinion.

 

However, you do what you think you is best for you. Just remember, everything you do has consequences. Good luck.

[heloladies21]

In this case if you start NC without letting her know what the problem is, she'll think you don't care. Let her know what you want so she can decide what she wants too.

[toonsy]

I have a question......

What about good old fashioned heart to heart honesty? It sounds like you have already asked her to 'get back together' and her answer was that you hurt her too much. There is your answer! What does it mean for the long run? Who knows...

 

What you need to do is regain her trust and rebuild a foundation like you would with anyone else that you would have hurt. What if it was a good friend? How would you go about repairing the relationship? Time and patience.

 

I dont think she was out to hurt you, I think she was acting on the knowledge she has and the honesty she has already given you. She said she does not want to be with you (at least for now) so she really didnt do anything wrong by accepting a date. Maybe it wasnt the best ettiquete to do it in front of you, but she WAS honest with you.

 

If you are not ready to give up, then be a friend to her. DO NOT pressure her. Only time can heal wounds (some maybe not) but that's all you can do. If you choose NC for your own healing then maybe that is best. You might need to separate yourself from her for a while so that your own emotions will not affect your friendship.

 

I say.....be honest. You told her how you feel and she told you as well. Take it as exactly that. Being 'friends' with an ex can be challenging espeically if you want them back. I know.....I am in a similar situation. But I was honest with him about my feelings and told him I will not pressure him. If and when he is ready, willing and able to be together again we will. In the meantime we are trying to rebuild a friendship. No expectations. No pressure. For me that means that I do not fool myself that all will work out in the end. I still keep strong everyday, emotions in check, and put myself first.

[nataliejulie]

Toonsy hit it on the head.

 

I was hurting my ex so bad to the point where he tells me he's scared of me.

 

I didn't do NC, however, I remained friends with him for two months after, we would still talk, still talk about us, but only bring it up when he did... It was hard, we never saw each other and just kept a phone only relationship. I didn't pressure him, I didn't push him, I stayed calm, confident, and myself.

I basically have to rebuild his trust in me, his comfort level with me, try to fix the damage by showing him that I do really love and care for him.

 

Well, we eventually went on a date together, didn't talk about getting back together... but wants to see me again. So I guess this is working out? I have to not push and keep showing him that I'm patient and I'm willing to work on things. I'm following his speed... and not be selfish making my own.

[Juha]

NatalieJulie

 

I am sure what you did was very hard...My girl broke up with me, then started to see someone else and kept in touch with me we talked a little about what went on in the relationship but she did not want to much...

 

She acted cold to me sometimes and then warm sometimes finally I could not take it anymore after two months and went NC which I am in now for 18 days...

 

It is killing me but I finally figured if she wants to date someone else then she does not need me around trying to earn her trust back...If she had acted differently towards me at all then I would not have NC now...

 

SHe thinks I hate her and am angry at her and probably does not care about her anymore...That is the opposite of how I feel though...

 

Keep doing what you are doing and earn their trust back but also know what you did wrong so you can learn from it and have a good relationship...

 

Good luck