I'm dying inside every day, love wife, inlove with another

[LostInTX]

I'm 40 years old and have been married for 14 1/2 years. We have a teenage child. Here's the story, sorry if it's so long.

 

When I was 17 years old, I met a girl who I just fell head over heels in love with. Of course, it was puppy love and we both knew that. It was during a summer camp kind of thing and we both lived in separate states. We kept in contact for a while via letters and phone calls then we lost touch. I always knew she was special and I always held a place in my heart for her. We tried to get together a few times but could never quite pull it off. Either she was seeing someone or I was but both of us knew that we needed to get together, something kept pulling us.

 

Seven years later, we talked. She was married and had a child but she was unhappy and had filed for divorce. Her marriage was not a healthy one to say the least. When we got together, I could look into her eyes and see how much she cared for me. I saw that same look when we were teenagers. It was kind of wild to be honest. Amazing to be able to see the love in her eyes. Our relationship as teenagers was never sexual, we just fell for each other. When we got together, everything felt so right for both of us and we made love. It was the most incredible feeling of true love that I have ever felt. While making love, she came out and told me that she truly loved me. Afterwards, she got scared, didn't want to hurt me, didn't want to bring me into the middle of her troubled marriage. I told her I would wait, but she pushed me away. I was crushed as I knew she was THE one for me. There was no doubt about it, none.

 

We lost touch primarily because I didn't want to complicate her life. I wanted to give her room to get through her divorce and to make sure I wasn't coming into her life at a time where she was confused. She also pulled back a little bit which confused me. I do know that I loved her with my every being.

 

About 6 months later, I met another girl. I was still hurt and confused about the "love of my life". This new girl was completely opposite of my love. We started dating and hit it off pretty well. We moved quickly and a few months later, moved in together. She was a sweet girl, shy and reserved. The love of my life was a lot like me, free spirits enjoying life. I figured the new girl was what was supposed to be, maybe God was sending me a message. So, 15 months after moving into together, 17 months after we met, we married. She immediately became pregnant on our wedding night. Our child was born premature 6 1/2 months later. We settled into married life with our new child.

 

I never forgot about my "true love". I would think about her on occasion and wonder if she was able to reconcile with her husband. But, I was married and had a family so when ever she entered my mind, I tried to forget.

 

About 5 years into our marriage, I was restless and anxious. We both worked a lot and passed each other coming and going. I met a lady that reminded me a lot of my true love and we started an affair. I didn't know why then and I didn't even realize that this ladies spirit reminded me of my real love. My wife found out and we reconciled and I felt horrible for putting her through the whole thing. My wife is a wonderful person honestly.

 

As I said, my wife and I are different people. We do enjoy each others company but there is no passion. She is my friend and we do have a good relationship. However, I have always felt that something was missing. We were different and I felt like I had changed my personality and my spirit to fit hers. I'm not as outgoing as I used to be and it's just like we're too comfortable.

 

Back to my true love. I had tried to find her several times over the years via the internet but no luck. I would think about her often and dream about us being together. The stars just never aligned properly for us. I had a girlfriend...she didn't. She had a husband...I was single. It just went on like this for a long time but both of us always knew deep down that we were meant to be together. A couple of weeks ago, I found her right where I left her. Amazing...all the emotions started to rush to my heart again. So, I emailed her a friendly note just to say hello.

 

Long story short, she never remarried. I moved from where I lived to another state 1000 miles away. I was married with a family. It seems that fate always kept us apart but all of a suddent, fate dealt us a different situation. Turns out, she travels to my town every month and was scheduled to come here in a week. We talked via email and phone quite a bit and decided that we had to see each other again. Both of us agreed that we were meant to be together. She understood that I was married and did not want to do anything to interfere with the marriage. She said she would see me if that is what I really wanted. So, she came to town and we got together. It was great, just like we never were apart. We did kiss and both of us really wanted to make love but we didn't. We just held each other. I looked into her eyes and could see straight through to her heart, I knew she loved me.

 

We talked quite a bit and she explained that she always loved me and never remarried because she never felt the love for anyone like she did for me. She did not in any way attempt to convince me that I should leave my wife/family, she's just not that type of person. We spent as much time together as we could. I had feelings and emotions that I hadn't felt in so very long. I missed her desperately and always have. I've missed so much not being with her and I don't ever want to miss anything again.

 

Now, back to my wife. She's a great girl...very smart. She's quite reserved and doesn't make friends well. We're just totally opposite which I've known for years. She's content with our life, I'm not. I never have been, something has always been missing. Believe it or not, my true love knows me..truly knows me deep inside better than my own wife. It's just wild.

 

I know that I care about my wife but our relationship is more of a friendship anymore. We go months without making love and there is no fire. We've both tried to ignite a fire on occasion but just can't get it off. As I said, she's content, I'm not. I know what I really want and have always wanted. There has never been any doubt that I wanted the love of my life, I always have and always will.

 

Now, to our child. My child is everything to me and is do dependant on us as parents. He feels safe and secure which is great. The bad thing is that his father is in love with someone else. I can't devistate him but I'm not happy. I'm content, but not happy....truly happy. I feel like this may be my last chance to be with the only person that I have truly loved....the one that can truly touch my heart like no other. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with out my true love.

 

My relationship with my wife exists for our child. He will be grown soon and we will have nothing left in common. My heart tells me that I need to be with my true love but my head tells me that I'm being selfish. An post like this can not truly relate my feelings for my true love. The world to me has always revolved around her, she is my reason to be here on this earth.

 

My wife will not talk about our relationship. It's just something that is not discussed, she clams up. There is security here in my home but I continually desire to be with my One True Love.

 

Please help...has anyone else ever gone through anything like this? I'm dying inside every day.

[GettingOverIt]

Well, from reading your post, it sounds like you have already made up your mind, but maybe you want someone to affirm your decision for you...

 

Only you can make you happy - not your wife, not your child, not this other woman. If you see the rest of your life being miserable and making your wife's life miserable and your child's life miserable, then get out. There is no sense in putting everyone through that. Honestly, there may be some guy who is just waiting for your wife to become available for all you know...

 

The flip side - you made a committment and a promise. You need to break contact with this other person and concentrate your efforts on your wife and child. Have you sought counseling for yourself? How about marriage counseling with your wife? I know you said she doesnt like to talk about your relationship... What is her reaction to all this? Have you talked to her about what you are feeling? Even if she clams up, there has to be SOME kind of reaction....

 

The grass is not always greener on the other side. And, if the grass is greener, it usually means there is a septic tank under the surface......

[Tpysl]

i havent gone through anything like that but i think you are an extremely selfish person...if you knew you were so different from your wife from the beginning, why did you marry her? is it fair to her now that you are in love with someone else or have been in love with someone else? imagine that you had your true love as your wife but all that time she was in love with someone else? why did you marry your wife then to begin with? to feel secure? to feel ok? I think you are just selfish...and have no right to feel like dying on the inside over the other woman when it is your wife who should be the love of your life.

 

I agree with this.

[metallicachica247]

um i dont know much about marriage, being only 13 and all, but is it possible, that you arent in love with your wife? you really have to choose one woman. it isnt fair to go back and forth so much. especially with a daughter. it would crush them if they found out

[heloladies21]

Well you can't control your feelings and who you fall for so nothing can be done about that. You're in love with this other chick and not with your wife. Whether you divorce or continue to cheat on your wife is up to you.

 

But what I find interesting is how your wife is completely delusional about the relationship. It's like she doesn't even want to know there's a problem, she just wants to cover it up and pretend nothing's wrong. I'm not suggesting anything here, but it's as if she'd have to actually find you in bed with another chick to finally wake up. That's ridiculous.

[Willow_Moon]

I agree with GettingOverIT...

 

I don't know how old Tpysl is, but, xxxscorpioxxx, 21 is aweful young to make such a harsh judgement. People marry for all sorts of reasons, and wouldn't be nice if we always did exactly the right thing from the get go... but we don't always.

 

I suspect, LostInTX, that if you follow through with getting together with your true love - you will eventually learn that your true love is more of a myth than a reality. I say that because you have spent so little time with her, and certainly you haven't had to go through any stresses with her. You just don't really know anybody until you're in the foxhole with them... does that make sense?

 

I think that you would benefit from counseling... on your own and with your wife. Your thoughts are selfish, but being selfish isn't always a bad thing... in my opinion often people are so scared to do anything just for themselves - because they feel selfish, that they end up living a life that may please those around them, but simply gives them nothing to feed their own soul.

 

Break the scenario down in your own mind also... for instance - what is it that you feel this other woman will give you that you don't have already. Is this woman the only avenue you have for getting this? If you could get this and continue to be with your wife, would that be an option for you? Etc... In other words look beyond the generalized love of my life train of thought, and identify and define what that term means to you. Once it is all broken down, you may very well find that this woman is not what you want exactly... what you want is (just a for instance) to have the feelings that you get when love is fresh and new - a feeling you may experience with her, but not necessarily because of her.

[sepiaswirl]

You owe it to your marriage to give everything you have to making it work. If it doesn't work today, try again tomorrow. And keep trying until you are absolutely sure that there is no chance you will be happy. Don't just think about what you feel today...imagine things in the longview. Imagine what you might be giving up, and how you would make your wife feel. Following your heart is easy, but enduring the process of a divorce, especially when there is someone out there who is still devoted to you, will test even the most heartfelt convictions to their limits.

 

How much did you think of this woman when you were apart? Was she always in the back of your mind? Or were you so consumed with her you couldn't function? Seems to me that you are consumed based upon proximity. You said that circumstances always pulled you apart. Who knows....maybe they will do so again. And for the sake of your marriage, mabye you should let them.

 

I don't think you should give up on your marriage. But. If you have done all of the soul searching you could...if you have given it all you can, and you feel this in your heart as strongly and poignantly as you described, you owe it to everyone in the situation to be honest.

 

Don't give up too easily, b/c that would be selfish. Don't make the mistake of maintaining an affair. But even more important, no matter what you do, I don't think you should live a lie.

[Shadows Light]

Willow_Moon

You just don't really know anybody until you're in the foxhole with them... does that make sense?

I really like this quote. LOL. And its true. Until you've shared stressors with someone....everything looks rosey. And the "Fox-hole" analogy... is GREAT. Being in a fox-hole with my mate...I'd want someone who I knew will watch my back. Be a partner. Work with me. LOL.

 

And yes... if the GRASS IS GREENER on the other side of the fence.. YEP.. it usually means there is a SEPTIC TANK right under it.

 

TRUE LOVES... FIRST LOVES. I've had one of those. And it was at about the same age 17 or so. I spent tonz of time making a HERO out of him in my head. And dreaming. But in reality... was it really there. I saw him from time to time through out my life and we've always made that special mental connection. Same wavelength. It was NEVER a physical realationship..and maybe it should have been. Maybe I'd have felt differently about him. Maybe its a little wistfulness about the "one that got away."

 

Happiness comes from within. Its not somethin someone else can do for you. Your wife is not responsible for that.

 

I too had an unresponsive spouse that wanted to sweep it all under the rug. Everything was OK. No matter what was happening in our relationship.. it was supposed to be this way. Everyone lives this way. When and if I broke down in tears... he wouldn't see it. OR help me address it. So I know how you feel.

 

When one is having a problem in a relationship...both have a problem. Issues and problems need to be resolved. Compromises made.

 

I'd suggest you pick up a book by Dr. Phil McGraw... relationship rescue..and its companion workbook. I suggest you sign up and go into counseling.. for yourself to work through to what the "core" of your problems may be. And separately.. both you and your wife need to seek marital counseling. BOTH have to want to make it work and want to fix it for this to work. The further you drift appart the more difficult and painful it will be to fix it. The bigger your inequalities and issues will appear.

[Tylin]

This really makes me think. It haunts me, actually. I was brought up to think that marriage is an eternal commitment, a heroic promise to love and care for the other person no matter the circumstances until death parts you. I was taught that love is completely unconditional, it bears all things.

 

The conflict here is that we are all human. We all make mistakes and hurt each other (sometimes even willingly). And with most people I know, love is COMPLETELY conditional. If a spouse is abusive or cheats, the other usually (rightly) wants to leave.

 

So my thoughts on this: We're all imperfect. So how can we expect so much more from our marital commitments? Doesn't that just set us up for disaster later?

[Faith729]

I have/am going through the same thing. You are not alone. This feels pretty eerie to me. This whole time....I've pretty much been dying inside, agonizing because I really have nobody to talk to about this crazy situation. It's like an internal battle. I was actually looking up info. on divorce, and one of the links led me here where the first thing I saw was your post. There are no coincidences in life.

 

The story of Kim & Sweetie.........the short version

 

Nov. 1982

I knew from the moment he sat with me on the bus and asked me to the school dance that we were meant to be together. I could look into his eyes and know everything I needed to know , without a word having to be said.

 

We dated and talked about everything and nothing at all. Which surprised me because I've always been real good at keeping my feelings to my self. He was the same way. He made me feel like a princess, I could see his love for me in his smile, and the twinkle in his eyes.

 

He never pressured me for sex. We were the best of friends. I can't even describe the feeling of completeness that we shared with each other. We would talk about plans for our future....and then it happened....his senior year and my junior....his mother decides that she's moving to FLORIDA!!!!!!! Mind you we grew up in a small town outside of Syracuse, NEW YORK.

 

It seems like my whole world went black at that point. We spend months on the phone for hours and writing letters....he comes up for Christmas, his dad lived in Syracuse, I went over to visit, we finally make love, WHEN IT'S WITH YOUR HEART'S DESIRE,YOUR BESTFRIEND, YOUR SOUL-MATE, THEN IT'S THE MOST WONDERFULLY FULFILLING EXPERIENCE THAT 2 PEOPLE CAN SHARE. He has to go back...our song was Elton John's, " I Guess That's why They Call it the Blues ".

 

He wants me to spend a month in Fla over summer vacation....my Dad actually says yes....I'm blown away. The best month of my life. I start my senior year, over Christmas vacation he comes back up, only this time to stay...he stays with his aunt. I move out to be with him. We of course haven't planned anything....real life sets in. I have to move, 300 miles aways and stay w/ grandparents. We break up. This is my fault. Patience has never been a virtue of mine.

 

I hook up w/ abusive boyfriend, have a child who dies of SIDS after one month of life (6/21). Heard he joined a branch of the armed services, married & had a child. He's divorced, I'm hooked up in abusive relation ship #2. I have another child , his namesake, 1993, he's single. He remarries (6/21). I leave relationship #2 in 99'. I figure I'll never find or hear from him again.....it's been 15 years now. I marry finally Nov.2000.my husband who's b-day is the day before my true-loves. both last names start with LaFo......... Pretty eerie. I have another child in June of 01. There is no affection towards me from my husband during my pregnancy and after the birth of our child. I tell him we're having problems, we have this same conversation every few months. The relationship is dying. July 2003, I finally get a computer. July 29 ( Faith729), I get a e-mail, from my true love that damn near stops my heart. I cannot believe it.

 

We talk on the phone......for almost 3 hrs. Everythings still there. All of the feelings. After praying for almost 20yrs that we find each other again, all of those tears I cried that called his name while enduring the beatings and humiliation....because I knew I had to survive, so I could hear his sweet voice ( now w/ a southern accent....Alabama) again.

2nd phone conversation , those 3 little words just slip off of my tongue like it's the most natural thing in the world. We e-mail, IM, talk on the phone, send pictures to one another. I'm actually live again for the first time since we parted. Everyone around me can see a change in me. I'm absolutely glowing. He tells me our new song is, Daniel Bedingfield's...." If You're not the One". It melts me heart. Give it a listen if you can. This goes on for a year. He breaks it off ( May/04)....I can't cope, I e-mail his wife and tell her what a great guy he is and to just love him ...(she knew we were best friends) he in turn e-mails me saying he never wants to hear from me again. I hear from him 2 months later... he forgives me for the e-mail. July/04... We IM,e-mail, talk on the phone. He tells me his Dad's moving back to NYstate from Fla.......to where we grew up. He wants us to meet. I have butterflies and am on cloud 9. I arrange a visit

w/ my sister....while I was wating for the exact date of the move, he tells me he's getting divorced.....he still wants to see me. I was due to go up on a Friday...that Monday he calls to say it's over. I can't believe it. I'm devastated. Sept/04. Irealized he needs time to get over and through divorce #2. Some months later he blames me....if tha's what he need to do then fine.

 

He picked up a few e-mails in Feb/05, and then one Sept 14/05. I know we were meant for one another. He had also told me that he doesn't want to be responsible for breaking up a family, or marriage. I have 2 kids and work a job for not that much. I have switched jobs and I'm trying to pklan out my future....so that one day maybe....by God's good grace, we'll finally be together again.

 

Some days I want out of this marriage so badly....then I feel guilty and feel like I'm being self. My true love makes my heart sing & dance. Nothing can ever be the same again, not since that glorious day 7/29 when he came back into my life. I have a lot of soul-searching to. I know he's the only one for me. I will be 39 this Jan, and it's high time I started living my life on my terms, and hold onto the faith of our love. It's lasted this long...it will forever remain in my heart and burned into my soul.

 

I hope that I have been of some help to you....it's nice to know that I'm not the only one riding on this same roller-coaster. Even if things don't turn out the way I want them to. I have been blessed to have known & felt the power of true and ever-lasting love in my life...not once, but, twice with the same man. There's so much more to this story, but I have to get my son ready for pre-school. I'd love to hear from you. Your Happiness is up to you.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand

Love letters in the sand

I remember You ".******Bolan, Snake.....Skid Row******

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faith729

Kim

[novaseeker]

But ....

 

Here's the thing.

 

How do you know that your life with 'your true love' would actually work in real life? It may, and it may not. It's always tempting to think that it will work, especially when you find yourself in a relationship that is less than satisfactory for various reasons. But one thing is certain: if you are holding out another relationship outside your marriage as something that is great and loving and wonderful, it will probably kill your marriage, because your less-than-satisfactory marriage can never ever compete with the other realtionship that isn't subject to the same real life pressures and realities that your marriage is.

 

That's the issue with affairs: they generally happen when the marriage is less than satisfying for one or both parties, and then they really give the marriage the coup-de-grace, because someone falls in love with someone outside the marriage, and has a relationship with them that is going to compare very well with the marriage because it is newer (or refreshed, in the case of an old flame), and isn't subject to the same pressures as the marriage. And then people begin to think: "why shouldn't I? I mean I love this other person, and I'm not happy here. Don't I have the right to be happy?" And then from there unravels the marriage.

 

The issue is yes, you do have the right to be happy. But really you have to work on the marriage first. You've suffered from abusive relationships, and that's very unfortunate. But if your current husband is not abusive, but there are other problems, it would be the best option to work on those problems within the context of your marriage ... that would be better for you and for your child as well. I'm not saying it will work out ... it very well may not. But the reason why it doesnt end up working out shouldn't be that you are focused on another person outside the marriage ... because then you've kind of put the cart before the horse.

 

It may well be that you are desitined to be with your 'one true love'. But I would think you should work on your current relationship first, and if it really doesnt work out, then end it properly, rather than staying in it and undermining it at the same time by being focused on someone outside the marriage. I hope things work out well for you, either way.

[novaseeker]

This really makes me think. It haunts me, actually. I was brought up to think that marriage is an eternal commitment, a heroic promise to love and care for the other person no matter the circumstances until death parts you. I was taught that love is completely unconditional, it bears all things.

 

The conflict here is that we are all human. We all make mistakes and hurt each other (sometimes even willingly). And with most people I know, love is COMPLETELY conditional. If a spouse is abusive or cheats, the other usually (rightly) wants to leave.

 

So my thoughts on this: We're all imperfect. So how can we expect so much more from our marital commitments? Doesn't that just set us up for disaster later?

 

There are two different things here: the nature of love, and its permutations, and the idea that people need to take care of themselves.

 

I honestly do believe that love is unconditional, or else it isn't love. It's something close to love, but much more selfish than love because it's focused on self-impact.

 

But that doesnt mean that people ought to stay in relationships with people who abuse them. People need to take care of themselves, and get themselves out of bad situations like that, whether it requires a divorce or not. And yes people should try to resolve problems before resorting to divorce, if they can.

 

But to me that doesnt impact the 'love' issue. I will always love my ex-wife, but not in a boyfriend/husband type way, but in a friend/co-parent type way. I didnt get divorced because I didn't love her anymore, but because our relationship on the husband/wife level wasnt working. So we love each other now, but differently. I know my love for her was and is real, because it wasn't coniditioned on it being a sexual love or a romantic love or me being married to her or anything else. The things I always loved about her are still there, and now I can love her better that I am not married to her and caught up in the dysfunctionality that our marital love had. So, yes, I do believe that love is unconditional, although the form that love may take can change over the course of a lifetime.

 

I think that for people who say they no longer love their ex's at all, it's more a case that they never really did love them completely ... there was always a holding back, a self-protection, involved in their emotional investment, or there has been so much pain as a result of the breakup or bad acts that happened during the relationship, that this pain has obscured the remnants of love in their hearts from the failed relationship. But I honestly do not think that bad acts or anything like that can ever really make you un-love someone you really love: it can (and should) impact how you relate to them and how you express that love, however. Just my own personal experience on this.

[Anya]

Hia, I am 17 yrs old and i am one of those children whose mam and dad have just split up. My mam and dad had been married for 28 years and about 3 months ago my dad told me that he was moving 4 hours away to live with another woman!! just totally out of the blue! My dad was driving trucks around Europe with freight so that is where he met her and he told me that he only knew hew 4 2 months before deciding that he wanted to give up everything. My mam, me, my sister and his job (by the way which he suposidly "loved"). in the summer holidays from school i used to go out with him in the truck all over Europe but i didnt get to go ... he knew how excited i was about it!

 

I used to look at my dad as though he was my hero, he couldnt do anything wrong, but now that has changed. I cant believe how much has changed just in the past 3 months or so. I couldnt believe he would do that to me and my family. Especially my mam and after so long. Yes fair enough he wasnt happy but he could have ended it with her before he started seeing this other woman. Thats the thing that hurt me the most... The fact that it was her that split them up.

 

So yes LostinTX fair enough if your not happy with your wife then end it but give her the benefit of the doubt of finishing her and for her to know that it wasn’t another woman you were having an affair with – I saw how much it hurt my mam and how much pain it caused.

 

Also if you do this your child may end up hating your new woman like I hate my dads new woman.. It’s a hard thing for a child to go through.. Believe me… I know!!!!

[Shadows Light]

novaseeker

But to me that doesnt impact the 'love' issue. I will always love my ex-wife, but not in a boyfriend/husband type way, but in a friend/co-parent type way. I didnt get divorced because I didn't love her anymore, but because our relationship on the husband/wife level wasnt working. So we love each other now, but differently. I know my love for her was and is real, because it wasn't coniditioned on it being a sexual love or a romantic love or me being married to her or anything else. The things I always loved about her are still there, and now I can love her better that I am not married to her and caught up in the dysfunctionality that our marital love had.

 

WOW!!! I love this write up. Especially the last part... " The things I always loved about her are still there, and now I can love her better that I am NOT married and caught up in the DYSFUNCTIONALITY that our marital love had. WOW WOW WOW... (standing ovation)... I really like this. Does she feel the same way???? it sounds as if you were the one that walked out of the marriage. AND GOOD for you. That you've transended all the BS and all the hurt, poison arrows and everything else associated with DIVORCE and have been able to SALVAGE a FRIEND out at the end of this. This is probably the most IDEALIC situation one could hope for. You are far more evolved to have been able to get to this point..than many others are. Than my former spouse and I are. THANK-YOU for that write up. Its inspirational.

 

*Anya*

Thats the thing that hurt me the most... The fact that it was her that split them up.

Anya, I hear what you are saying. And I am so sorry for your hurt and the way you feel. Especially since you idol worshiped your dad...and he was your HERO. Look, he's still your father. And I am sure he loves you very much. He always will. The both of you have a relationship that is different and appart from the relationship that he had with your mother. HE LOVES YOU.

 

However, I am not saying what he did was correct. Nor the way he went about it was right. But what happened is between your mother and father. And I KNOW you love your mother. We all protect our moms. I was in your shoes many years ago.... and it seriously played on my conscience and my mind. From someone whose been caught up in a parents divorce...my advice to you. Is to stay out of it. And love them both. And allow them the lattitude to love you.

 

Your fathers NEW WOMAN. Don't waste so much energy hating. SHE didn't cause the break. SHE is not responsible. No one held a gun to your dads head and said..."YOU must do this or that..." they were his choices. His doing. You arn't privy to his relationship with her. Nor are you really privy to the private life of your parents. So do not pass judgement.

 

Its difficult being and adult child and caught up between two fires. The best you can do is.... listen to the both of them. But do not offer opinions or adivce. Keep neutral. Love them both.

 

Go up and down these forums..and you will see a lot of hurt going on. You are only 17. And still young to know the effects of all the stressors on a marriage. As they say.. before you judge.. walk a mile in their shoes. When there is a break in the relationship... there's plenty of blame to go around by everyone. I know you feel bad. I know you are hurt. But the faster you can learn to love again and be neutral.. the better for you. And in the long run. I'd hate to see you carry this incident into your future relationship...and put someones innocent feet to the flame..for something your dad did. You know what I mean??

[novaseeker]

novaseeker

But to me that doesnt impact the 'love' issue. I will always love my ex-wife, but not in a boyfriend/husband type way, but in a friend/co-parent type way. I didnt get divorced because I didn't love her anymore, but because our relationship on the husband/wife level wasnt working. So we love each other now, but differently. I know my love for her was and is real, because it wasn't coniditioned on it being a sexual love or a romantic love or me being married to her or anything else. The things I always loved about her are still there, and now I can love her better that I am not married to her and caught up in the dysfunctionality that our marital love had.

 

WOW!!! I love this write up. Especially the last part... " The things I always loved about her are still there, and now I can love her better that I am NOT married and caught up in the DYSFUNCTIONALITY that our marital love had. WOW WOW WOW... (standing ovation)... I really like this. Does she feel the same way???? it sounds as if you were the one that walked out of the marriage. AND GOOD for you. That you've transended all the BS and all the hurt, poison arrows and everything else associated with DIVORCE and have been able to SALVAGE a FRIEND out at the end of this. This is probably the most IDEALIC situation one could hope for. You are far more evolved to have been able to get to this point..than many others are. Than my former spouse and I are. THANK-YOU for that write up. Its inspirational.

 

Thank you. We walked away from each other, but we've stayed friends. She feels the same way, we talk mostly every day. We both know we could never have this kind of relationship if we were still married. I don't think it's much of a model, but it works alright for us.

[jenniferlh]

I know exactly what you are going through. I can only imagine the dorment you are feeling. Though I am not legally married, I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. I understand where everyone is coming from as far as the counseling goes. But, as we both understand, once your heart is with someone else, all the counseling in the world will not let you release yourself from those feelings. I can understand if you feel selfish, but I don't think you are. If you feel this strongly about this "true love" and stay with your wife, your life will continue on, but are you really living? You can not change your wife, she is who she is. You have to do what's right for you. God gave you one life to live. You may have married your wife, because at the time you thought this is what was right for you. I believe "your love" came back to for a reason. You have been given a second chance to truly be together. Don't let her go.

[crashingworlds]

I just joined to state my problem and read others. I too have a first love. After 35 years apart, we found each other and have a wonderful fiendship now. Let me state it correctly: We have very strong feelings for each other that just resurfaced and surprised us both. But we respect each other's lives and marriages and have kept our distance. The lesson here is that you cannot live two lives and expect either to be complete.

 

Do your homework. Your true love is the brass ring, the golden chalice. She is the epitmoe of everything you've ever dreamt. And I mean DREAMT! She is the image of what you want and a few passionate moments over the years seem to secure that.

 

BUT! That doesn't make a marriage or a relationship. You have a wife who is lost in the relationship with you. She doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't know where it is and doesn't want your version of the truth. This woman loves you, despite your problems. Your true love is a vision. Your wife and child are real life.

 

It's like that line from City Slickers when the gruff cowboy says he was in love once with a woman whom he only glanced at from afar. Billy Crystal said that wasn't enough. Jack Palance (the cowboy) said it was for him. What he meant is that the relationship would always be perfect. You have a perfet relationship with your tru love from afar. Sharing the bed and the bills and the bathroom change things.

 

Give your wife and child every courtesy and chance they deserve. The only way to truly stick to one course of action is to "as the express goes" murder the alternatives. No, don't murder anyone! It means eliminate the true love from your life. Write her a note and say this is what I have to do to be any good to my wife or to you. And then, set her free. No more contact.

[ratherbesailing]

I don't mean to be too hard but I think that if you jump from one relationship to another you are always going to have problems and hurt the people you love in the process. If your marriage is that unbearable why do you think you waited until this other love was available to realize the problems and talk about divorce, especially when you have a son? Cheaters love to rewrite the history of their marriages so that they aren't the villians.

 

If you wouldn't be willing to leave to be alone but need the excuse of leaving for a true love, I think you are going to end up hurting everyone around you including yourself. It doesn't sound like you are giving 100% to your family and marriage, you may be more responsible for the quality of your marriage than you think and your are liable to repeat those mistakes if you don't examine them now and you will most likely alienate your son at the same time. You will soon find out that a teenage son isn't going to understand. He's going to feel that you've left him and hurt his mother.

[thegirlfriend]

Dating and feelings and all that are things to get a relationship for life STARTED. There is a time to make choices and there is a time to stick it out. You cannot skip around for the rest of your life looking for the greener grass on the other side. You have a place in life. There are people who love you (your wife, who you PROMISED to love, your son, who definitely needs a stable home).

 

You may have a crush on the other woman, you may have very strong feelings for her, yes, no problems. The thing is that you also have some responsibilities. You have a place in life, and you cannot just leave this place just because you feel like it...

 

And true love... You mean true romance... True love is to form a family, to raise a child together, to build a life together, to stick it out together. Which is what you have done with your wife.

 

You had a "puppy love" with the other woman, but with your wife you have something much deeper, much greater: you have a marriage. Don't risk all that because of a seemingly better life with a supposedly true love. How do you know things will work out with the other woman? Do you really want to destroy the lives of so many people just to find out that it didn't work out with the other woman?

 

You say you love your wife. Be content with what you have.

[LEE2939]

After reading this story I feel like I am not the only one out there who is inlove with someone other than their spouse. I am in a similiar situation with my husband. I do love him but am not in love with him. I am trying to focus on the needs of my children and not of myself. I do have feelings for someonelse and I do feel like I am not living life to it's potential. If you have tried everything, like marriage counseling, or rekindling the romance and you know it is not going to work then you owe it to yourself and your wife to get out of the relationship. It is not fair to your wife because she does not get 100% of you because your mind is on someonelse. I don't think it is healthy for children to grow up in a home where there is no love. If they grow thinking that you have to stay in a relationship for all the wrong reasons then that is teaching them not to be true to yourself. As for my situation I am currently going to marriage counseling. It has helped a little. I do feel that if it doesn't get better eventually I will leave the situation.